H and I recently began visitation with his 6yo child from an affair. We were long distance before.

We started by having her over just every-other-Saturday. Today Child asked her mother and I (I did drop off) if she could come over Sunday (tomorrow) afternoon, and next Saturday. The mom was okay with it. I told H when I got home, and he is resistant to having more time with her, because he is deploying for 7mo next year and we're moving again in 3 years (military). He doesn't want to get "overly" involved, then hurt her when leaving.

Well, how much is overly involved? Why did we get involved at all?? She's going to miss us when we move anyway (and probably us, her), maybe yearly visitation, but this is our only time living near by. What is the balance point between under and over involvement??

Never expected to get to the point where I'M advocating more time with HIS kid... Not tons, mind you, just closer to what the kid wants.

Hi Jenny.

How does your H feel about you thinking there should be more visits? Is he stongly opposed, or just undecided?

Geesh.. having gotten over the huge origial hurdle (both H and YOU) of initial contact.. I'd say yes, what was it all for,then??? You obviously are accepting and OW is being fine. Why NOT get closer to her? Seems to me it will hurt her MORE if she does not get this next 3 months or so to spend time w/H and you.

I think that the next few months will be a GREAT time for her father to get to know her and vis versa. At least when he leaves she will understand why- he is in the "army"! She may be proud of that,even. If she gets more comfortale w/him- it would be very nice for her to receive a letter or package from him (sent by you for him, even) or what have you. It would not be impersonal if she gets to know you all. Getting to know him then he absolutely disappears again without a call or letter or visit would be sad I think. She will still be having contact and knowig her dad is thinking of her! Even when you move in 3 years-same thing.

Do you think,Jenny, that your H is hiding some other feelings (or lack thereof) and is using the deployment/moving as a crutch?

I think you should gently dig a little deeper for the child's sake of you do care for her. I think it is GREAT that you are advocating for this child. It is typical, regardless of what life situation, that our husbands are the ones avoiding things or not handling them right. They need us to advocate many good thigs in life- we are many times their backbone,their strength, their voice of reason!

Let me say again, I think it is wonderful that you have opened your heart and accepted his daughter.

Just curious, how did the timeframe of 6 years come to be? Why now, etc. Just as a reference for my own situation, I am curious what it was like for you the first visit, how you felt, and was the 6 years a time you used to heal, etc? I do not know what will happen w/H's OC in the future-she is a baby now and we plan on NC for an indefinite amount of time. We estimated and will possibly try when she is about 5 years old, due mostly to our calculation of how old our kids will be then and the hope that our marriage will be very strong and completely able to withstand it by then. (our kids would be 19, 16 and 15 in 5 years). Right now they are at extremely sensitive ages and we know them well enough to know the insecurity, fear and hurt they would suffer. H and the kids are finally healed and happy again after a long time of them showing much disapproval and ill feelings for him doing SOMETHING VERY BAD to mom.

giovanna,
I appreciate your reply.

After a rocky discussion and difficult evening, H decided to have OC over again today like she asked, and we all had a good time.

H is having a very hard time emotionally here, coping with work problems AND the emotional triggers re: his A, OC, and the 3 pregnancy losses we experienced last time we lived here. There are reminders everywhere we turn. He was NOT prepared for visitation to go well and honestly expected it to fall apart for various reasons.

We were stationed near xow, then overseas for 6y, sent back to same base by military this year (not our choice!).

The 6y was definately a time to heal!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Especially the 2 years of total no-contact we had after xow decided she could not cope with *me* being her contact when H deployed <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> (curious to see how she deals w/next year's deployment, b/c I don't want her to have his address!).

I'm out of time tonight but willing to answer your questions. There's no dang handbook for OC contact, let me tell you!!

Today at son's ballgame, a mom asked my dau and OC (born same mo <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ) if they were twins! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> They shrieked and giggled and yelled "No!" and my dau said "we're half-sisters" while OC said "we're step-sisters" and the poor woman looked so confused. I did not enlighten her, either. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />