My husand did not ever write OW a NC letter and has not mentioned it, nor have I for 13 months ago.

I have NO idea where H is -lately- emotionally/mentally regarding OC issues, and have not asked. If he wants to talk, I will listen and join in wholeheartedly. We needed a break. the coutt is settling issues and we are not having C now, no way. So.. if he IS feeling something that he is not expressing- I canot force him and dont really have the interest to right now, anyway. I am on ow/oc/A vacation for a long time.

HOWEVER..

I have my *OWN* peronal feelings and convictions to deal with and sort thru! If H is still not taking any initiative to write her a letter to convery our feelings about oc now and in the future then I need to. For ME so I can have closure to this chapter in our life. Final CS hearing is in a couple weeks, and this all must come to some sore of closure.

Do you think at this point I should write OW a letter about our intentions/feelings so I can move on and also- she DOES deserve this much-- to know what oc's father's intentions are so she canmove on also how she needs to. With no contact and no unanswered questions of H's intentions.

I also will feel guilty and feel I should have "made her understand why H is not some heartless monster". Lord knows my H has such a hard time facing and dealing w/hard complicated issues.. he likes to leave that to ME to save him from his troubles...

What do you think- should I?

I'll post the letter I am writing in my next post when its done- so you can give me your opinion...

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said that husband leaves things up to you to do, but in the case is this really something your doing for her sake or yours? I'm not being sarcastic I'm just asking. I am pretty sure after 13 months she has gotten the idea of what husband's intentions are. As well, no matter what you say to her I don't think she is going to change what she feels i e a monster, a hero , a marytor, etc. Do you know what I mean? Time will or will not take care of that. I'm pretty sure you don't care what she thinks of you so you don't really care about what she thinks of you writing the letter. Again, not being mean. I do think however that if you write the letter that she is going to think just that.........YOU wrote the letter. It's coming from you and not him. Xmm's bw wrote me a letter demanding what I will and will not do and I turned it over to my attorney and XMM has know got contempt charges brought up against him. I'm not saying your going to do what she did, but you just need to be careful now that your in the middle of court and all. She wrote (in my eyes) on behalf of xmm.......and I followed her demands and it back fired and now she has NOW put her husband in a position of being brought up with fines and not looking good with the Judge. She has been banned from sending me any letters of any kind by her attorney now. I say her attorney as she is handling our Cs case, not xmm. But hey the results were with the law so I don't care about that. She has also done a few other things with a paper trail that will make it hard for xmm to ever have visation rights anytime in the future. This information was put in a safty deposit box as per my attorny's instuctions. So I guess what I'm trying to say is if it's to make you feel better write it then put it away for a while and then see how you feel........I would love to write xmm and her, but I won't. Closure would be great, but sometimes it just can't happen.

Marysway-

I will post the letter when I write it, and you'll be able to fully understand the type of letter I would like to write. Oh I did that ANGRY UP LATE letter STEWING thing and threw it away a year ago, LOL!

See, this letter IS from me- its not going to be a NC letter, I didn't really mean the letter that H was going to write. I will not and never did bother getting crazy with or call her, ever. H made a NC telephone call w/me there and I was on the other phone. I promised I would not say a word but YEAH RIGHT... that didn't last - LOL! As soon as I busted in on the convo she said "I'm gona kick your a**" ! I then knew what I was dealing with <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> She is immature and silly to me and I wrote her off. I firmly *****ed out her and H both together for their stupidity bring a child into this, etc. etc.. but I did not do the "you sl*t".. bla bla bla thing!She called with some crap about a month later pretending to be "another" girl who said it was urgent she speak w/him-- but I knew it was her- I lauged at her and said "NICE TRY (ow name)"and hung up. This is the last contact between OW and I in 13 months.

Sooooo........thing is that I need to speak of my children and the reason why her daugher isn't just being "forgotten" about- especially by me. I swear I have more guilt/conflicting thoughts/daily thoughts about the baby girl than H does. Believe me, he has not a care in the world. I stress for both of us in our relationship.He's the "it'll be alright, babe" type of guy...

I need to tell her that my children need to wait - and I need to tell her that even tho she said in that one time conversation that "I'm not letting you anywhere near my baby so you can hurt it" - that I have no hate for her child- that she is innocent and that I am sorry that she was brought into this as I was, without a voice. My heart will not feel right if I kmow someone believes that I wish their baby harm and hate it or that *I* am forcing this upon H somehow.

I am a very diplotic person when I need to be. I also have the burden to do what God says and forgive my enemies. I don't realty think about her much and do not have any rage towards her especially since H used her in a way that I don't feel is cool - she was a lifetime neighbor of his and was friends with his little sister. She always had a crush on him and I don't blame her for wanting him- he is really fine and also a smooth talker so I can only imagine how smitten she was). Do I like her- hecks NO.

I will simply be trying to stick with explaining the above-mentioned types of things and not getting off track w/cheating crap- just oc as much as possible.

Gio,

While I can understand your need for closure, I would suggest you proceed with caution. I can't remember, do you and your H have a lawyer involved in this? Does the OC's Mom? If so, I'd run any letter you might send past your lawyer first, just to make sure there are no possible legal ramifications. I know you don't intend it to be an "NC letter", but if it suggests certain things re: NC, and she saves it, it could be used against you and and H later if at some point contact is something you wish to pursue. Also, and NTMO mentioned, a letter from you could also be seen by xOW as "harrassment" and end up getting you into trouble, which of course is bad.

Just think about getting some legal advice first, to protect yourself. Or as many people might suggest, write the letter to get things off your chest, but just don't send it. Sometimes that can be equally theraputic.
Good Luck! ;-)

No lawyers on either side.

I can't possibly see a harassment charge slapped on me for contacting her one time through a civil letter. That is hardly considered harassment <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

If that were the case *I* could charge harassment for the cell records I have- her calling my pesonal cell phone. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> And terroristic threats for her threatening to kick my [censored] <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> . It amazes me the amount of "right" OW has, but seems the BW has
none in OW's opinion! Like "yeah,so what, I
willingly agreed to became a part of HER life- but HOW DARE she have a voice, EVER!!" UGH. Yes, OW did willingly involve herself in another woman's "life" by willingly becomming involved and working carefully w/H to lie and hide herself from his W and family.

I have worked in the legal field for 13 years and I know what not to say to incriminate myself via written communications and this would be no such thing. If I send it and it somehow incriminates me regading oc later somehow, it would only show positively in my favor.

Like I said- I guess when I post the letter, y'all can have a better input in the "feel" of it or how you may have taken it as OW,etc.
Would you really want to have no clue of "what are they thinking" or get one? I pesonally would love to know what OW was thinking (expressed in a civil manner).. but thats just me. I bet she is interested and would rather hear something than nothing. My H refuses to- and it bugs me because I think since he chose to bring her on board and now there is OC, he should have the guts to tell her his decision and why.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> If that were the case *I* could charge harassment for the cell records I have- her calling my pesonal cell phone. And terroristic threats for her threatening to kick my [censored] . </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yikes!

Well, I'm glad you have the legal knowledge you do, that will certainly make things easier. If you feel so strongly, you should definately write your letter. Just curious, but are you interested in/prepared to receive a reply from her? Just incase you do?? It sounded like you wouldn't mind.

The healing process is certainly different for each individual, and everyone has to find the way that's best for them.
Myself personally, I can't say I'd either want to write or receive such a letter, but my reasons are different from yours.

Go for it. And as you've said, I'm sure there will be more clarity on the tone of the letter if you post what you write.

Thanks for your input M&TB.

I *would not* mind a response-would welcome it actually. So long as it was "civil" as mine.

However- as I'm sure you know- and I do too- that her response is not guaranteed to be "civil" LOL! I may not like it- may pi** me off royally!

The thing is, that I TRY SO HARD to let things go - but I am so obsessive about having things handled,resolved,then left behind! My entire life I have been extremely healthy and pretty much free of emotional baggage!! I was always a free spirit and was just quickly "ok" after stuff. Till now- and thats cause it is something that will be uncertain for a long time. But this much- I think I need and may help. See,I am not or never have been one to be able to hide my thoughts or feelings-- I WISH AT TIMES I COULD- ITS HARD! LOL! I guess you can say that I'm someone who always "keeps it real"- whether accepted. At the office I am this way with everyone and its something that people comment often that they like about me - I am very fair and open-minded with everyone. I deliver my opinions/feelings/beliefs with great, effective force yet so fair/forgiving of others decisions/beliefs/situations at the same time. I think that will show thru my letter.

I think when she reads it, she will feel somehow "better" or more "informed". It may be that finally at least getting SOME kind of time of day from our side WILL help somewhat--I mean- even just for PURE CURIOSITY'S sake!

Do you think so M&TB, Mary - or anyone else?

Do you think I should take the risk to error on the side of just following a big gut instinct that I need to do this. I dont want to call her or talk to her in person thats for sure!

<small>[ September 26, 2004, 10:12 AM: Message edited by: giovanna123 ]</small>

Gio, at this point in my life I really can't give you an honest answer. To much has happened in such a short amount of time and WE do have attorny's involved. Maybe 6 or 8 months ago I would have wanted to hear something truthful out of xmm's mouth.....but to hear from his wife I just don't know...but you've got to understand (although never friends) I knew her from before and did not get along with her then. Write the letter though and lets see it. I'll give an honest answer.

Anyone else? Okay, I'll take the bait.

I'm wondering what you really expect to happen if you write this letter? Do you think OW will maybe think you are a great person who cares because you 'wrote a letter' saying so? And if you're a good person for writing the letter, then what? What is really going to come of a letter? Do you think she'll care about you, your children and your husband? Do you think she'll say to herself, "Oh, they DO care, they just can't be involved RIGHT NOW because of their children". I doubt it.

Your H has ditched her and the child- I'm sure she could care less about the two of you at this point. The way she looks at it- it's YOUR loss. Babies are wonderful, so sweet and innocent- Just a smile from a baby makes hearts melt. It's your H's loss. I can guarantee you that OW could care less about you missing out.

By going NC, you make her life easier. She has the beautiful child to herself. She doesn't care about a man who walked away from her child- why one earth do you think she'd care about that man's wife? If she really cared about his wife, she wouldn't have slept with the man in the first place. You are nothing to her, your feelings mean nothing to her. You are simply the person who is married to her child's father. Her child's father has no backbone, no heart, no concience. She doesn't like him and she doesn't care about his family. She's just as happy to be out of your H's life as he is to be out of hers & the child's.

No matter how long, pretty and spectacular your letter is, she won't care. She will probably laugh at it. I know I would.

If you want to write a letter for your self, then do so. I wouldn't send it though, she's honestly not going to care one ounce about your feelings in the situation. This is your husband's child, not yours. You are nothing to the OW.


Sorry to be cut and dry but you asked for opinions.

I can guarantee you she won't care about a letter from you. Heck, she'd probably just send it back to you, unopened. If by chance she does read it, it would give her a good laugh for sure.

My counselor actually suggested writing a letter but not sending it, maybe you should write it and think on it for a while then maybe send it, say in a month or so, if you still feel the need. Whatever you do, don't call her. I made that mistake and I got way too much info, and lots of lies. It really hurt a lot. D day for me was 03/02, there has never been any c. The child is now 3 1/2 and to my objection I found myself seeing her and her mother for the first time 2 days ago. It actually went a lot better than I expected. After seeing her I feel a lot better, she looks nothing like H and for the ow....I don't know whether to feel good about myself after seeing her or feel embarassed because H had A with that. Anyway off the subject. Do you ever feel so guilty because their is a child in the world without a father, those are the feeling I can't get past. I look at H with my kids and how happy they are and deep down I feel like we are living a lie

I only wish my H would want no contact. It would make my and my kids life much easier. My H however wants to do the right thing.

I also don't want the baby to be without a father, however OW may eventually marry then he will have one.

In the mean time I'm looking at this like being a step parent. I will learn to love and care for this child as my own, when contact does happen with us. I have not yet seen him. Not because I don't want too but because H says it's too fresh and he himself is only contacted through phone for health updates.

People do things for selfish reasons. Ow women knew of our marriage yet slept with my H anyway. She wanted a child and got one. The child did not ask to be born. She even knew of the health complications becuase of an amnio yet she still chose to bring him into this mess.

Write the letter, file it. Then let it go. Don't feel guilty for the child . God knows you care and that's all that counts! Don't open a can of worms that you wished you hadn't

My opinion
Lori

I would not send her anything. I think no contact should remain that. I also held these feelings and desires to let her know that I thought about her child that I hope they are able to move forward and I desired them to leave my family alone. I had to really examine why I wanted to contact. And for me it was to have some control over a situation I have no control over. I could never convince her of my feelings just because I passionately expressed them to her, she would always have her side. In your sig line you write peacefully no contact why not just leave it. For me no contact is just that cs support by wage garnishment and she gets a generic government check. I must say we must have the best bm as she never contacts us as well that is peaceful no contact.

No contact means no contact. IMO. If you are your H have chosen NC then it should be just that. Writing a letter to a woman who could care less about you or your family, to me is useless! If its been 13 mths and there has been nc on your H side w/ the ow, then you sould let it go. She is only going to get defensive and angry, like you are some how rubbing it in her face that your M and family is first and when you are comfortable with seeing this child one day then you will call? I think it would start the drama all over in your life. Its quiet, your doing well in your M, then let it go. I think she gets the message w/ no contact being done and doesn't need to be told that. Just like the fact that you choose not to see the OC now, why would you change your mind later? I think it would be harder on the Oc to have people to pop into their lives after years and then when C doesn't work then you are gone again. I dont care about what my ow thinks or feels, doesn't matter in my M. But I do feel for these children, ALL of them. God puts them all on the same stool, they are all the same in his eyes. Just like w/ Sara, let it go. God told him to send the ow & oc away, for good, not to tell her when Sara's heart heals we will contact you to see the child. Nope, God took care of them and no other c was done. If NC is what your family has choosen then let it be NC. I understand if C is being made and some of the "adults" in this situation are totally childish (Ref to KT SIT) then where C and NC was made. Dont write it, and if you just have to, write it and save it for the day the OC knocks on your door when he/she is old enough to seek the why's and what if's. Thats just my 2 cents take it for what it is worth! I'm glad your M is doing great and I am praying that your family heals and goes on.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

Giovanna,

With 13 months NC she knows how you feel. Don't give her the benefit of a letter. It will make her feel important and an OW with no remorse is nothing but trash. What importance is placed on trash? None.

CheerfulLittleOne,

Did your married lover diss and dismiss you? Is that why you are so bitter? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Cody you are RIGHT on track with your post.....
"Cheerful Little One"... Nice of you to take the time to come "here" to register so you could write me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

First and foremost- Your post just starts out WAY off-- I NEVER SAID I gave a rat's bootaaay about what SHE wants! I want to make ME FEEL GOOD- NOT HER! I want to have a letter to KEEP AND REFER TO IF NEEDED. I want her to know that I do not HATE OR WISH HARM on her child-- FOR MY SAKE- FOR THE RECORD. If that is somehow "selfish" then I guess I'm a BAD BS for sorting thru things - FINALLY - after I have been quiet for 13 months. My H got his say- she got hers- AND IN UGLY WAYS- This letter will NOT be some tell off or self-riteous crap- if it helps me- then she'll have to deal with it.

"Your H has ditched her and the child"

Of course he ditched her. MM or not, most men do ditch women who give IT up without regard for marital status, lack of commitment, etc. Fun is over, OW chooses to keep the baby- her choice- her life- her body. Well, MM CAN make a choice also, that is detrimental to all those he loves... except he has no choice, but to pay the mother of the child for 18 years. Now can he get the pat on the back that mothers do when they "ABANDON" their children for free???? Hey- SOME OW even are lucky w/rich men who give LUMP SETTLEMENTS OF $100,000.00!! woo hooo how sweeeeet!!!

"Her child's father has no backbone, no heart, no concience"

I LOVE THIS ONE- HEAR IT ALL THE TIME FROM OW !!!
ONLY WHEN THE TERRIBLE, HEARTLESS MAN WITH NO CONSCIENCE DUMPS HER. OW had NO PROBLEM with this man when he was being cold, hearless and having no conscience- RIGHT ALONG WITH HER.

The NC for 13 months was the whole pregnancy- and time till DNA came back. And also, she is curious what his ultimate intentions are, etc.- cause she has asked his sister why he does not want to see his daughter. But this letter is now about what he wants- its regarding her allegations of me- and me stating that this was HIS decision.

I may still do this for me, as I said- not for her or care how she'll feel about it. Also, like Sunny said- I will keep a copy for any future reference if ever needed. I am not sure if I will yet but if the urge persists I post it for opinions.

<small>[ September 27, 2004, 03:28 PM: Message edited by: giovanna123 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I LOVE THIS ONE- HEAR IT ALL THE TIME FROM OW !!!
ONLY WHEN THE TERRIBLE, HEARTLESS MAN WITH NO CONSCIENCE DUMPS HER. OW had NO PROBLEM with this man when he was being cold, hearless and having no conscience- RIGHT ALONG WITH HER.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are so right about that point. When the WS dumps OW he is a no good [censored] who should burn in hell. The OW makes herself out to be the victim and decides he must pay for not staying with her. Boo hoo cry me a river. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

GOD BLESS RESTRAINING ORDERS!!

Well, Hey- You asked for opinions, I gave one.

She's not going to care about a letter from you- so don't mail it. If you need to write it for therapeutic reasons, then go for it. (Just don't send it to her)

You asked, I answered.

Cheerfullady- you did not give me your opinion of my situation- you biasedly judge me for the hate and hurt you feel toward someone else- right?

Some of the BSs here have spouses who left their marriage and kids to be with OW's OC and HER kids. But you dont WANT to see how obviosly vile this is. You don't feel sorry for us- we are such irrational meanies LOL. You want to come here and judge US?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

For what? urrrr.. for taking a hit like we all have-- then another one- like living out every woman's worst "nightmare"... then..still be standing, fighting, trying to love our MAN, OUR BABIES? For fighting to the danged bitter end for SILLY OLD that? Yet you all, as OW FOUGHT LIKE HEEEECK for him too, and "innocently" knocking the W.. sliding in without us having any way to protect ourselves - our kids- UNFAIR!

But WE and our EVIL, HORRID CHILD ABUSING HUSBANDS are to blame- we are evil and doomed for standing by our H's who ARE our soul mate (the real one).

Take your hate for the guy who dumped you, somewhere else! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

At the least, you said some really kind sh*t about *my* H directly. Not nice- don't remember asking you to personally talk some real nasty crap upon your first day of registering.

And Hey... forgot to add.. Thanks for stopping, though, May the Lord be with you, we will all pray for you. Or SunnyD or Babygirl will, cause they are sooo sweet at heart! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Come by again, anytime, when you are in a nicer mood. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ September 27, 2004, 08:17 PM: Message edited by: giovanna123 ]</small>

You're really looking too deeply into my reply.

Let's start over.


You asked for opinions about a letter you would be writing to an OW, mother of your H's child.

I am simply stating that YOU are NOTHING to an OW. If you WERE of any importance, we all wouldn't be here today having this discussion now would we? She does not care about you, so do not send her a letter. She will only find it humerous that you're still dwelling on the situation (or at least that is how it would APPEAR to her).

Look at it this way, would YOU want to recieve a letter from OW about her feelings towards YOUR kids?

Didn't think so.


If you don't want an honest opinion, then don't ask for one. Next time say something like, "All opinions (That I Agree With) are welcomed."

That's a good question-would I want to receive a letter from OW about MY kids?

I would but if it were nice & lovey dovey I wouldn't believe a word of it & I'd be really angry. Oh but that's becuase I already KNOW what she thinks of MY kids by the fact that she tried to steal their daddy by having sex w/ him KNOWING he was married. DUH! Oh & then I could add on the times when she actually verbalized her concern towards me & my kids by saying in front of them that H didn't think he was thier dad! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I HAD to laugh @ the hilarity (& predictability)of that one then cry over her baseness to say it in front of my kids. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> She was obviously speaking from her own insecurity there. Besides a few things about H & herself that she tried to 'embellish', she couldn't ever say anything about me except for a few things she literally (& obviously) made up because H was @ least sane enough to NOT tell her anything about me. So the closest she could come to attacking me was to attack my kids.

See, since we actually were having C, I got to have many conversations w/ OW. Most civil, occasionally friendly & some down right catty.

But NEVER, NOT ONCE, did we ever discuss or did she ask how MY kids were doing in all of this. It was ALWAYS about OC, OC's health, OC mental health, OC emotional health, poor OC, always concern about how OC was 'handling things' & if OC had problems it was ALL our fault (mine & H). Oh and sometimes it was about OW other daughter too, even though she is of no relation to us.

So I would have reason to be suspicious of any contact from OW & w/ valid reason. And no, I never did anything to OC or ever made any disparaging remarks towards OW, in OC presence or anything like that. I only cared for OC like any adult in their right mind would!
*********
*********
gio123, you are in it so only you know. obviously if OW has been asking then-----she wants to know what's up. Personally I would write it and NOT ever send it. I'd date it, seal it & put it in my CMB (cover my butt) file.

If it makes you feel better------regardless of OW feelings or reactions---& you say it will not be an attacking type of letter--then go for it.

I think though, that OW will take it as an invitation to respond. That would not be welcome right? You could just open the door for her to step right in-inviting contact & conflict.

I know you have to deal w/ all of this stuff or it eventually comes out anyway & in ugly ways but I am not sure that this would really be the way-yet.

I say deal w/ the issues between you & H first----then-deal w/ OW if you think you still need to.


sincerely,
kt