Whenever I look at TV and see a glimpse of a situation where an A occurred, it always seems the BS leaves the M because of the betrayal. Which leads me to my never ending question....am I stupid for trying to repair my M and trying to forigve something as vile as an A? Are we stupid? I really love my H and believe that this was a mistake by him....but I can't understand why it took it so long to realize the mistake? He has profusely articulated his love for me and I have NEVER felt that he didn't love me (pre & post A). But am I stupid for wanting to believe in him? My family and friends do not know about the A or the OC. I often dread the day for telling them and wonder how they will react? My family loves my M and think that my H is a great partner for me. I hate to have to break their image of us and I am burdened by how I will look to them...i.e. stupid or weak. I dread the behind the back comments of "she crazy....I would never forgive that".

I know that I shouldn't care what people think and that if they truly care for me they will support me in whatever decision I make...but I also know you can't stop people from having their opinions. I consider myself a strong woman. Sometimes in this situation I wonder if that is really true or if I am allowing myself to be walked on. But maybe that's in my weaker moments. I pray that God leads me in the direction that I should go. He blessed me with a Son and I have always wanted to raise my C in a two parent home. So I guess I have solid reasons for wanting my M to survive (love, respect, family). I just have those moments when I wonder "Am I being stupid, am I thinking clearly"? Was wondering if anyone else ever feels that way???

Sorry for my rambilings.

I can say this much I forgave an affair a while ago and it took years to get over.

I am one of those people that said I could care less of what other "think"
I only cared about what I wanted and what was best for my children. I wanted to be married forever to MY husband and I wanted to raise my children in a family environment with a mother and father..... the reason I married in the first place.
Think of all those women who dont really have the choice to have an intact family....(spouse dies, leaves, ect)

I did what I thought best at the time.

I am now dealing with another immature decision on my husband's part which resulted in a child.....OC plus Psycho OW ... well thats my breaking point. I filed for seperation.

Do I regret my decision in the past NOT really. I loved all the times I shared with my family as a whole. I will always love him .... just cant forgive him right now and dont want to be by him with all this crazyness, HE was selfish thus putting our family in danger from stalker. I have to think of my children now.

I say YOU do What YOU want! WHAT will make you happy, and so if its a mistake YOU will learn from it. There will be no what if..... for you to regret for not giving it the old college try.

What if it took this ONE thing to change your husband for the better and then you missed out on it? ECT

You can pick up the pieces later and start over, if it wasnt the right choice.

Just my opinion and my experience.

I totally understand where you are coming from. Everyday I wonder how stupid I must look to everyone else. I always said I would never put up with A, I would leave, now I have revised my thinking and say to others, never say never and never make a decision on or about someone else until you are faced with the same situation. My neighbor who is a Christian woman, was with me from minute one, literally. The moment I found out about a I went to her and stayed with her most of time over next few days. She told me I always said I would leave but being faced head on with this I think I would stay also. My husband made a mistake, the bible says all sins are equal, there is no degrees of sin, so if you have ever sinned, which we all have. You have commited an equal sin in God's eyes. Some people may not agree with that statment, but I do and it's what helps me get through some days. Church has helped me a lot. A few Sunday's ago it was about anger, You cannot change things in the past so why be angry over them, but you can do something about the future, so start here, and remember your mate is on your side, not your enemy. One thing that helped me , my mom does know about A, we talk often about it, it helps to know she is there. I am an only child from a short marriage that ended with..you guessed it an A. My father had an A, when I found out about H's A. I called my mom and siad why did you leave? I need to know. She said I left because he didn't want us, he wanted her. She said you have a loving H, who made a mistake, and he's trying to work it out. She reminded me of how hard it was to be a step child and toild me I needed to think of my kids, and at least try to wrok things out. It is now 3 yrs later, I must say our relationship is a lot stronger than it ever was. There are some difficult days yes, but for the most part, we are hanging on. As my couselor says, people have too many problems of their own to focus on yours, momentarily they may say hum..who messed up here, but then they are off on something else. So, in answer ot your question, yes a lot of days I feel stupid, and I want to give up, but I hang in there and tomorrow is another day. I have even made it to the point where I may wake up and go a couple of hours before it crosses my mind. God has helped me through so much, I must give Him all the credit, without Him, I would have given up, probably on D day. My new motto is I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, I say that often. Keep sminling with your head held high, God's just building you character, for you crown in heaven will be beautiful!!! I can spell, I'm just ready for bed, so I'm not going to look through it for errors!!
Yelo

Yes I feel stupid and feel as though all are judging me. I have not told my parents as they have been married 40 years. They have loved and accepted my H for 15 years. We are a bi-racial couple and neither of our families ever made us feel any different .

All i know is read 1 Corinthians 7:10, 11 this should help you know your doing the right thing.

God is the only one who knows what we can and can't handle. "leave it to him" Somehow you , I and others in our situation will become stronger and better for it.

Right now I'm unsure and this is all I have to hold onto. My faith.

Lori

Just wanted you to know, the ones that are devoted to there spouses are always the ones that feel stupid, because we're the ones in the dark. Do you understand what I mean, that's part of what makes us so angry, that someone that says they love us, someone we love could do such a thing behind our backs and keep pn pretending everything is normal. Now that everyting is out in the open, they wait to see what we'll do, flee or forgive, that's what make this so hard. On one hand if they leave, they broke the marriage up, but if they tell us what they did and don't leave we broke the marriage up. It to me boils down to nobody is happy. I'm really trying to forgive and I gave up understanding why. I feel that by not leaving in it self is a way of forgiving, al long as your not constanly throwing it up to the WS.

What do you guys think?

My first D-day was way back in July of 92! I forgave, but we never dealt with the problems that caused the A in the first place! That lead to many other A's by H, and 2 by me, which resulted in the OC. Well, now we are 4+ yrs in recovery, having dealt with the issues that caused the break down of our M, and continue to deal with things as they come up, instead of each doing our own thing.

Each couple has to handle things according to what they can handle. I firmly believe that vows of marriage, even though we have both broken them, are and should be sacred, not to be broken. If you can repair the damage after an A(or even multiple A's) then you should do so, but if there is NO way for the M to survive, then there IS cause for D, but you should REALLY examine the issues and if they can be corrected TOGETHER or not! This, from what I DO know of the MB principles, is the foundation for those principles, working TOGETHER to repair the damage from the A, and from our own experience, they work, and they work because we BOTH wanted to save our M, and repair the damage we had done. If only ONE of the M partners is willing to work, that's what Plan A/B are for. Used correctly, if the M is repairable, things work out. If the M is NOT repairable, NOTHING is going to save it.

So, I don't think that you should have ANYTHING to be ashamed about, just because you've chosen to repair your M, regardless as to what happened! If your family looks down on you for staying with your H, they need to look in the mirror and worry about themselves first. It is YOUR choice, and they should stand by you, no matter how they feel about your H. It is YOUR life, right?

Well, that's my $0.02 on your question. I've never felt stupid for my choice to stay in my M and repair the damage, just wish we had know of these principles much sooner. If used correctly, they are awesome!

Tigger

I think, stupid is not a right word. We could never be stupid in following our hearts. I think we all go though things for a reason. You maybe going though something just for your H to learn. I know God would not let me face anything I could not handle, he is by my side always. But the question is not to ask "why we go though things" but "what do I need to learn from this" I know mine was forgiveness and never taking what I have for granted and to alway rely on God to lead me, not others. As far as being ashamed, no, I've done nothing to be ashamed of. To be proud, YES! because I am a very stong, beautiful and proud of my family, all members of it. Those who dont support you, even if it is your family, forget them and their issues on forgiving. Thats what most have to learn. Forgivness is fine as long as your talking it, but showing it, well thats different.
Sunny D

I know EXACTLY what you mean. You feel stupid because you ahve been SOOO deceived. I used to think that sometimes. But how can you really know when someone i slying ot you?

Yes, sometimes we know someone well enough but you just never expect them to be lying to you & especially about something like that-so you believe them. Everyday is a CHOICE to trust & beleive or not. SO what?

It doesn't mean you are stupid to try & keep your family together. It doesn't mean you are stupid for forgiving & choosing to eventually trust again. It means that you are thinking of MORE than jsut yourself.

I think EVERY remorseful WS will tell you who the real stupid one was----THEM! My H is physically astonished @ how stupid hewas & just can't believe how stupid he could ever have been.

I see nothing wrong w/ taking a risk of reconciling w/ your spouse. You have good reasons.

I think--so what if I look stupid-I jsut might----so what--am I gonna live my whole life afraid of looking stupid? Nope.......

H & I are celebrating our 12 year anniversary next week by renewing our vows. The whoel party might look stupid but top those who know us & our story-------you'd never seen anything so romantic! I am getting so much support.

And our friends & family sure don't think we are stupid! They think we are such a great souple to have gone through something so devastating & here we are--still together & more in love than ever! I KNOW noone htinks I'm stupid now.

And when it all first came out------EVERYONE told me that they all though they would leave if their spouses did that but now seeing someone they know-----they all had to admit they didn't think they would leave if their spouse was remorseful. SO........

I new motto is---go balls out-----so what? You might get hurt----sure---& you might get hit by a bus on yoru way to work----take a risk----the worst thing that happens is....you learn somethign different. I'm not talkign about taking a risk to do something WRONG--but take a risk to do something that may be right & keeping your marriage together--can NEVER be wrong I think.

And I'm refering to a remorseful spouse here, which you are saying yours is.....Go for it. The only stupid one is the WS who was stupid enough to be so selfish & not think ahead. YOU are not the stupid one & shouldn't feel that way.

******
*******
Sorry if I am not making much sense here-I am kinda in a rush but wanted to respond anyway.
********
********

ANd t4jdt (hope I got that right)---I totally agree w/ waht you are sayign about getting to the root of the problems. H & I never did that so then when C began-------ugh! ALl that 'junk' was right there @ the surface just waiting to spill out! (& especially since there was some MAJOR info H never told me until a week before we met OC <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> ) But if we had gotten some good counseling-then it could have been avoided.

YOu gotta deal w/ the "stuff"----even if another A never happens-if it's not dealt w/ then you can't be fully restored & close like your relationship should be.

ok gotta run-hope this post makes sense.

I STILL believe in LOVE & say---go for it!

Hi,

link

I hope this link works. The reason I would try to work on the relationship I was in, is maybe you could get in a worse relationship. Since as you see 50% of all spouses will deal with infidelity in their lifetime. Don't get caught up in what others think. I have found that when I let what others think become important it caused me to make even worse mistakes. You do what feels right in your heart.

I agree you can only follow what your heart is telling you. Only you know what is best for you and your family. I felt the same way when I found out but I had to what is best for me.

I believe that I am not stupid....but on my low days I can't help but feel stupid. I trust that God will see me through this and make me stronger in the end. I don't obsess over my relationship (i.e. make him important than everything in my life) so I don't feel that I made an unhealthy choice in trying to salvage our M. Plus, I still am happy with him (whenever I am not thinking of A) so it leads me to believe that happy days are still in my future with him. I like my H as a friend and spouse. I just want to get back to where we were and to strengthen our M. I thank God everyday for keeping me sane. I would have never thought I could deal with something like this....but God shows me that with him I can do anything including forgiveness. I love God and I thank Him for being in my life (during my ups & downs)!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I have gone through the stages of feeling stupid, blaming myself, hating myself, and woundering what I did to cause the A from happening in the first place. I stayed in my marriage hoping that my love for my H and his love for me would be able to heal our strained R, Then the OC came and my world was devastated again and again. I would like to say that my H stopped after the first A and got his act together, he palyed the role and deceived me yet again. I went through a huge loss when my mother died and didn't see what was going on around me well needless to say another A and OC later and my pain continues, But I don't fell stupid. I believe that my heart was made to LUV and I love him inspite of himself. Even through the pain. Do what you need to make you feel well.

About a month ago, my husband went into work on his day off. He overheard a fellow employee asking another one why I took him back after what he had done. The other one answered "because of her new found religion" in kind a snotty way.

Without that "new found religion" (Jesus), forgiveness wouldn't have been possible, and I probably would be in prison for murdering them both.

I feel sad for the person who made this comment about me. She's having an affair herself and doesn't think that anything's wrong.

I don't necessarily feel stupid for forgiving my husband, but I feel stupid for not seeing the signs that he and the OW were leaving all over. I feel stupid for believing some of the crazy stories that she told us. I also feel stupid for thinking that my marriage was safe from the threat of adultery.

I know better now and will be on guard from now on.

I have to admit that in the beginning I felt stupid alot of times, and was always questioning myself and wondering if I looked weak as a women and a wife. But through it all I came to realize, what weak women could endure this kind of pain...WE ARE AS STRONG AS IT GETS....to be able to deal with these situations. We all sin, and in Gods eyes, no one sin is smaller or greater than the other....we have to learn forgiveness. Yes it could be easy to just walk away, but what are we really running from ???
( yeah, I am sure we could come up with alot of stuff..lol) This is something that has become a part of us, so forgiveness is very necessary for our survival and sanity. I really think about my children, and how much they love my H. Really, every situation is different, but just remember that we as Bw's have done nothing wrong, and have nothing to be ashamed of...and most importantly, in God's eyes we are doing the right thing....otherwise God will direct us to do something else. Stay strong, and stay praying...God will not put on u more than u can bare.

I have had many moments of feeling stupid because I trusted...because I worked on reconciliation..even when a special needs OC was involved. I read something today, however, that helped bring me some peace of mind. It's from a book called "The Way Of Failure: Winning Through Losing" by Mariana Caplan.

"Last year I was at a seminar listening to a devastating account of a middle-aged man who was at his wit's end after enduring years of his wife's struggle between her love for him and her love for another man. The guy was shattered, and there was nothing he could do about it. From any standard of success in ordinary love, and certainly from the perspective of his own aching heart, the man was losing. He was losing the woman he loved, he was losing his pride, he was losing his self-worth, he was losing an investment of precious years, and in some way he was dying within. Yet, to look at this man, his heart cracked wide open and bleeding profusely, no one could deny the love that was there. Nobody would ever wish such a loss even on an enemy, but his so-called failure had broken down the protective walls of his heart that had previously been so tightly structured as to be impenetrable, and had shattered them in a way that nothing short of such heartbreak could have. What was left beneath the believed loss of love was the very love he was seeking. In his heartbreak and amidst his failure and loss, he was actually experiencing a real Love that was anything but ordinary."

<small>[ October 06, 2004, 09:05 PM: Message edited by: heartfailure ]</small>