Genia....
********edited*******


You remind me of my mom. She always has been attracted to the "wrong" kind of men. (including my dad). But she is sooo afraid of being alone, it completely clouds her thinking for herself.

As long as she has a man around....she is worth something. Without it....nothing. Even though she has 10 beautiful grandchildren...4 daughters who are all relatively sane (lol). Right now, she is with a man who abuses her emotionally. Personally, I never could stand him. I could see right through him. But he cheats on her...can't keep a job more than a year....screams...throws tantrums....and YET SHE STAYS!!! Why?! She says that is the way he shows his love. WTF?!

She can't change until she recognizes this in HERSELF. No one can do or say anything unless she WANTS to change.

Be brave! If you can't stick to your guns for one whole day....try to do it for four hours. Then the next day .... shoot for five. It does get easier. Talk to your counselor....leave that room emotionally drained. That is what they are there for. Let her help you.

Mucho love sent your way....

ent

<small>[ September 29, 2004, 11:20 AM: Message edited by: Justuss ]</small>

Hi Ent,

I appreciate your comments. I understand Kimmy is under a lot of stress. I agree I was wrong and I wish she had e-mailed me personally with her complaint. However I also agree I was wrong to talk about my problems on her thread in Questions II. I was trying to relate. But it is like I forced myself on her when she was not ready so I was wrong. I love Kimmy and I will give her space since that is what she needs. I wish I had the wit she has. To tell the truth I envy people like Kimmy. My counselor told me I need counseling on a regular basis to get myself straight. I agree I am just like your Mom. My counselor told me until I become whole as a person I will attract the wrong men. My man told me last night that it was a man's world. He said women are here to serve men. He really beleives this I think. I told him women are rising up and will not keep taking that crap. Of course I also know women are getting killed for rising up against men. I heard this from an abuse counselor from a womens shelter. I do not beleive my husband is the type to kill however. He told me he don't have it in him to kill nobody. He don't like guns. I asked him what happened to him? I said I notice that you are trying to take more control over me ever since you got out of prison. I just want to get him out of my house now but told my counselor that it would be easier if I were angry. I also saw that Kimmy compared my addiction to my husband who is abusive to the exotic dancer's addiction to alcohol. Both are destructive.

<small>[ September 29, 2004, 08:42 AM: Message edited by: Genia ]</small>

Hi Genia,

I don't really post much on MB, I just read mostly but I read your's and NiosGirl's stories and my heart breaks for BOTH of you. Both of you are going through so much and it's not fair. ****edit***** Genia honey, you should never wish to be like ANYBODY or envy anybody. This is certainly not a dig at NG, but even with all her wit and sense of humor, she is still going through her own personal hell. She is still hurting. You have to look at what's good about YOU and emphasize on that. I truly believe that you have a heart of gold and just from reading your posts, I believe you are WAAAAAAY too good for your husband. I know you love him so I won't tell you to leave him or kick him out or anything like that. Even though I think you SHOULD (smile), my opinion is not what counts, in the end it's YOUR feelings and yours alone that really count. I too believe that your relationship with your husband is an addiction. And it won't change until you get TIRED of it enough to change it. It's like a family member addicted to crack. No matter how much you try to help them by finding them jobs, letting them live with you, putting them in rehab...that crackhead is going to mess up the job, steal from you to buy more crack, relapse from rehab and keep lying, stealing, sneaking and smoking until they get TIRED. TIRED of the situation. TIRED of getting high. TIRED of going to jail. TIRED of alienating themselves from their family and friends that care about them. So I believe that no matter what these ladies and gents tell you or how often they tell you that you should NOT try to stay in your marriage, that you will CONTINUE to put up with your husband's mental abuse until you get TIRED of it. And I mean REALLY tired. I hope you continue counseling and get the help you need to realize your self worth and get TIRED of that husband and realize that you can do SO MUCH BETTER. You really can. Because once you change your self image and realize you ARE worthy of a man that will love you, respect you, and treat you like his queen instead of his maidservant, it will show on the outside and you will attract a whole different class of men. Men who've never been arrested, let alone been to prison! Men who VALUE hard work, keeping a job, and providing FOR his family, instead of sitting on their [censored] and letting their woman take care of them while they do nothing. Continue your counseling. Take care and hugs to you.

KC

<small>[ September 29, 2004, 11:26 AM: Message edited by: Justuss ]</small>

Hi Casey,

I am tired but the addiction is strong. I do want him out but it is hard for me for some reason. I do not want to be the bad guy. But I guess I will be the bad guy with him no matter what. After all I have done for him, he will never appreciate it. It is so hard for me to face the hard truth that he has used me for these three and a half years. Last time we almost broke up, he did not want to leave me anything he bought even though I have given him so much. I feel hopeless right now because I am engrained with all the comments made to me over the years by men. It is compounded by the fact that I am middle aged now. My husband has recently been letting me know that I am old. I am going to continue counseling and hope it helps me. I have called the doctor to ask for medication for anxiety. I think two things helps me deal with being alone at night. Watching TV or reading a good book. For some reason my counselor feels my husband may be a serial cheater but I have no proof of that. So I thought it best to put that from my mind as it would only cause me more stress.

Hi,

I have been reading mostly, but did want to say that you are a good person. I think at times you may come across a little needy at times. I unserstand what you are saying and truly believe that you do have others best interests at heart I just think it comes across differently sometimes.

You do not have a personality problem I think you have been dragged through the mud so long that it has effected your self esteem and self worth. You are a good person - you just need to believe in yourself more and make a decision to change somethings in your life permanently. Don't get me worng I don't meant to leave your H unless you want to I just mean you need to gain control over you and your decision making.

We are all in need here or else we wouldn't be here, but sometimes Genia - people need you to listen to them only - not making any comments/assumptions or relating it to your (not just yours per se) personal situation. Just relax, and be sweet.


JT

<small>[ September 29, 2004, 12:05 PM: Message edited by: JT2 ]</small>

Hi JT,

I understand and I was seeing things one sided. I think it helps me to see what others are going through and how it relates to my situation, however that is not for everybody. I know everybody can read others threads and draw from it. I see very clearly what I did wrong now and I will learn from it. You are right, sometimes I just need to listen. I need to get myself together. I do not see any help for husband now. I am enabling him by allowing him to stay and I can no longer do that. I just want him to leave now. I cannot put my kids through no more stress.

Genia,

I was not saying that you were wrong all I was trying to do is give you an opinion on how others may view a certain situation. Do not take everything to heart so much. There is nothing wrong with you - you just need some self confidence in everything about yourself. Only you can do that for yourself. Stop being so dwon and hard on yourself.

I agree I would probably not put my kids through the torment of bad behavior on your H part either, but that is my opinion not telling you what to do.

Take care of you and the kids you all are the most important at this point. Your H can take care of himself he is a big boy!

JT

Genia,
I've read most of your post and I believe I've replyed to a few, any how, You did not do this to yourself. Try to remember back to a time when you have been truly in control....independent maybe even before your child/children were born.

Try to remember how great it felt to not depend on anyone but yourself. It's hard to do , but it can happen if you try.

I believe you CAN get through this. Keep going to counseling, talking and listening. Read, Read and post often.

My prayers are with you to be strong!
Lori

Just a question, but why were the posts edited? I know I'm pretty new here, but are we not allowed to post when we think something was unfair or uncalled for?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> are we not allowed to post when we think something was unfair or uncalled for? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, someTHING or a situation,,however "naming" and criticising the other poster only causes more hurt feelings. Sometimes posts are edited or deleted because of member's complaints (Moderator Alerts) and sometimes at the moderator's discretion.

If you have any problems with a post, please click on the moderator "alert" and I will try to edit or delete as needed. If you have any further questions, feel free to email me at the address below.

I appreciate everybody's concern. I went to the Doctor and he put me on Zoloft. A low dosage for anxiety. I talked to husband last night and we mutually agree that we need to separate for a time. He needs to become a man and support himself. I need to learn to be a whole person in myself. Only thing is he needs to get a job first so he can support himself. I feel sad about this but I know we are only hurting each other. So I guess in the meantime, I will work on myself and becoming less dependent on my husband.
Lori:
Yes there was a couple times I lived without a man. The first was after my first divorce, but I was dependent on alcohol, drugs, and sex. The second time was after my second divorce and I was depressed all the time. I hope I can do better this time.
JT:
I am OK. I just see some things about myself I do not like and actually I thank you for seeing these things and I will work to making myself a better me. I do not think I am too old to change.

<small>[ September 30, 2004, 08:38 AM: Message edited by: Genia ]</small>

Gina, my doctor put me on the same thing and WOW what a difference it made. I fought him big time on it, but finally gave in. He said it could take a month to kick in, but I noticed a difference in two days. I have a very stressful job that I love but it is very stressful, and then all the drama of the legal battles.......and the guilt of not being home as much with the baby as I was home with my twins till they were two. I take things much better now.......I know you'll be fine. I hope that the seperation will be a postive move for you however it turns out. Take the medication and keep praying. Your going to be okay. I wish you the best.

Hi,

I am sure it will make a difference. However I am in love with my husband and I am already feeling sad as he talks about leaving. I do not see how he can make it on his own. He is going to school. If he gets a part-time job he will have child support for three kids coming out and when OW sues him he will have child support for four children. How will he make it. He says he is not going to be with any woman. But who am I fooling, I am sure he is lying. I feel hurt and sad because I love him so much. He says he loves me but that he has to move out. That this is something we must go through. I told him I wanted him to learn to respect women. He did get upset about that which is a bad sign. I don't think he really gets it.

I think your right Genia, but who knows....maybe he will get it once he is out. Give the zoloft the chance to help you cope with it all. It won't take it away and it won't cure anything, but with counseling and the want to feel better you can do this. Just stay strong!!!

Thanks. I really hope he learns something. At least with the harsh reality of trying to make it on his own he should appreciate me. Or maybe he will get a really mean woman who will hate him for not contributing any money to their relationship and he will see what he lost. I am not sure when he is leaving, since he still has no job but the sad thing is he already told my kids he was leaving. I hate what he is putting my kids through. Nothing should have been said to them till he left.