My H and I have been married for 16 yrs. He was in the navy. He was stationed in Ill. my mother had a stroke and was diagnosed with parkensons desease. (2000)
So me and our 4 children moved to Ar. to take care of my mother.
My H would drive the 800 miles evry 3 or 4 months for a long weekend. My mother passed away in April of 2001. We decided we would keep things the way they were since it was 2 yrs till his retirement and we dint want to seel our house and find a new one.
In March of 2002 my H was home for 10 days. We were supposed to get a big income tax refund back. we didnt. I called to find out why and the IRS informed me they kept it for back child support.
I contfronted my H and he told me about my Stepsson. He and OW worked togehter in 1990. in 1991 my oldest daughter was diagnosed with leaukemia. She was going thru chemotherapy fighting for her life. My h didnt have anyone (he says) to talk to about it. Him and OW were just friends. It became emotional. about 6 months later it became physical. In april 1995 their son was born. 1 month after his birth my daughter lost her battle and passed away. My daughter was now 18 and the mother of a 10 month old daughter that I am now raising.
My H was involved with his son until we moved away in 1998 so their affair ended physically but not emotionally. they kept in contact by phone and email.
my mother got ill and me and the kids moved down here. In Oct. 2000 my mother had another stroke and was hospitalized so my H came down here to take care of our kids so I could take care of my mother. (he had made plans to go to South dakota to see OW and their son. he told them he couldnt because my mom was ill) she thought he was lying so she filed for CS so I would find out. It took almost 2 yrs but I did find out.
My H and I are together we are doing great. I love my stepson dearly. He has came and spent time with us. (my H is now retired.)
I became friends with the OW jami. All of my children 5.10,10,11 and 23 now him and love him. They know everything.
The problem I am having now is that I found out yesterday that my 6 yr old son may have lymphoma. So I am trigerring big time. I am thinking if he does have leaukemia is my H going to have another A to deal with it. I cant go thru this again. I am reliving my daughters treatment and death all over again.
I am sorry this is so long but wanted to explain it so you can understand where I am at right now. I havent told my H about the thoughts going thru my head. I am praying that my son is o.k. I have lost one child and basically lost part of myself when she died and again when I found out that when my daughter was fighting for her life he was having a baby with someone else. All those times I was at the hospital with her and thought he was working he was making a baby. all of this is just running thru my head again.
Thanks for listening.
Lori

Hello Lori,

Welcome, sorry you are here, but hope you can find some answers within yourself.

You need to let go of the past...and I know this is a hard task.You have done nothing wrong. You need to realize that. We can not control the actions of others...ie. Husbands, OW, etc.

Do your best to stay positive, and that includes thinking positive, acting positively, and being positive. Worrying is not going to change what has happened. You are going thru alot of pain, and it sounds like you are reliving it again, but you have to stay strong for your children, as well as for yourself. Perhaps, you can get some kind of counseling, or just someone you can truly confide in. You have dealt with alot, and it seems like you have tried to do the Godly thing by making the best out of an ugly situation...that is your strength. Know that you can rise above whatever comes your way. Pray each and everyday...God will make a way..he will come thru for you, you just have to believe it. Take care, and I hope my 2 cents helped in some way or another.

Wow you brought me back some memories !

My mom was diagnosed lung cancer and had heart problems stroke you name it.
All the while my husband was out screwing around the night my mom died I couldnt find my husband to take care of the kids so i could go to the hospital to be with my family. I got a call from the psycho OW laughing at me about how he is with her not me when I need him.
Real nice ..... I too am afraid that when the push comes to shove my husband will fall again. I wanted another child told him what will happen when I am in the hospital will he stray I said same thing about when my father dies.

.... I have to wonder, if he used the fact that your not around to go off and find a female friend, I would ask him straight out WHATS TO STOP HIM from doing the adultery thing again. He suffered no consequences from the first adultery with Ow and resulting OC. Heck he has his cake and is eating it too. But of course I dont know your whole story so I am sure theer are things you can or need to still say about your situation.
I am just a direct asking person If i want to know I ask my H or anyone for that matter.
Hope I helped a little I ramble when its late.

((((LORI))))

I just don't have the words for you right now, its so late. I just wanted to say for now how sorry I am - so sorry - my heart just did a flip flop for you. You have suffered every married woman's nightmare, and every mother's nightmare.. and it continues. I a at a loss.

I just pray please Lord put your arms around Lori, her son, and her family.

Your poor little heart IS sooo big and so strong to be beating still... You can overcome anything now- believe that- and you will get through this.

It is imperative that you leave the past behind- and turn to your H now- hold each other tight and do not work against one another- turn to God with your H and you will get through this TOGETHER through Him.

Lori,

No advice I just wanted to say you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. I'm sorry you are triggering at a time like this.

Unsure

{{{{{{{{{Lori}}}}}}}}}}}

Wow, I'm so sorry! I sure hope your son and your family does not have to go through this. It's bad enough without triggers too! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Is your H is very supportive of you (re: triggers)? I'm sorry for the death of your daughter.

I can relate some to your story. My H is also military; A was also during child-loss (4 pregnancies); and we recently began visitation with OC after 6y. I'd be interested to hear more about your visitation, children, handling friends and relatives re: "sudden" step-momhood, etc.

The great part is you are a strong and vibrant survivor! I'll bet your husband and children draw great strength from you and your positive attitude.

I hope your son has full health asap!!
J

(((Lori)))) Hey! I'm glad you came here. I'm so sorry about your son. I'm not much in living in the past, but it nevers leaves your mind. Its alot to go though all over again. But you and your H have worked on your M and getting over everything. I have to think people learn from their mistakes and they make them better people. We are here for you and are praying for your son and M. I think you will be a great addition to our group with your advice and situation, and inspiration!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

Hi,

I just want to say I am so sorry for what you are going through. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I am so sorry for all you have gone through, I think you should talk to your husband about whats going on. What a terrible man he would be if he would cheat on you again while your going through this. It's important that you guys are communicating. and he's helping you get through this. you have to be their for your son, but also make sure you don't shut your husband out. You guys need each other. I'm praying for you.

I didtalk to my H this morning. He promised he wouldnt put me thru that again. he says our communication skills are alot better now. And He knows he messed up and doesnt want to hurt me like that again. He has been praying that it is just some kind of infection. THat is what I have been praying for as well.
As far as the sudden stepmom thing. I think I really shocked alot of people. I was not ashamed. I was just shocked about Tylor. I accepted him right off the bat. When Jami(OW)and I finally talked (she was afraid of me dont know why) she was very nice and answered all my questions. She apologized to me and said that she never meant to hurt me and that she had been going thru hell over it with the guilt.
About 3 weeks after I found out. my H came home for a 4 day weekend. We loaded up the van and drove 800 miles so I could meet Jami and Tylor.
We picked him up and kept him at the hotel with us for the weekend. I left for a couple of hours each day and spent that time getting to know Jami. My H kept all 5 kids with him. It was a nice weekend and my kids just welcomed Tylor with open arms.
2 months later the 2 of them came to our house. Jami stayed for a couple of days and then went and stayed with my MIL. My MIL has known for several years and was sending child support so I wouldnt find out). Tylor stayed with me and the kids for a month. My H came down for another 4 days to spend with Tylor.
He is an awesome child.
We talk to him on the phone often. I send him a care package every couple of months. I know he is confused and thinks I am the reason his parents are not together. I can understand that. I dont push him I just love him. He called me about a month ago just to tell me he loved me. Made my day.
We didnt get to see him this past summer as my H lost his job and we didnt have the money to go get him. My H is working again now and we are almost caught up so we should be able to go get him for a month next summer I hope so.
When Tylor and Jami were here they met my sister and brother and all my extended family. They all welcomed him with open arms.
My H's father (his parents are divorced) doesnt want anything to do with Tylor. THey have been the only ones to act like that.
We Jami, my H and I all work at it together and it really isnt that hard. I cant change the past. I have accepted it and moved on. Jami is my friend and some people dont understand that but that is their problem not mine.

THanks for all your responses.
My sons glands are still really swollen. They havent gotten any bigger, so maybe that is a good sign.

Tylorsstepmom,

I can not even imagine that senerio that you live daily. You are a strong and loving woman to do what you have done. I could not do it personally, but think that you by reaching out and finding that OW is not a A-hole really makes a big difference.

The point that they know they made a mistake and have LEARNED from it and focusing on what's important for the CHILDREN ALL OF THEM is what is making your family work.

Jami sounds like she does not mean you or your family any harm. Learning that what they did is wrong is what is the key to a successful marriage I think. If you learn something from it and know that you should not do it then you are not doomed to repeat it. I hope I did not just lose you, but I am so happy that you are doing okay - don't look for the worst to happen. It sounds like you and your H are now devoted 100% to your family.

I am sorry about the scare you are experiencing with your son and your loss with your Daughter. GOD knows what you can handle and is not going to put more on you than you can bare. Keep your head up and know that someone has your best interest at heart!! I pray that all goes well with your son and that he gets better -SOON!!!


JT <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi Lori,
I didn't want to highjack Sunny's thread. I'm very touched by your story (described more on her thread)... it just defies description. You've lost so much, even more than I. I imagine I feel now how some people feel hearing my story: (almost) speechless! I'm sorry for all your losses.

Thank you for saying the Affair hurt even more than your daughter's death. I've been raked over the coals at times for saying similar things. I think a death can reach resolution and closure moreso; where an affair and child, so much betrayal involved, everyone still living and contact ongoing... it's just hard.

I'm fascinated by your close contact with the xow. Are you the main contact now, to minimize H talk w/xow? Do you and H have boundaries/rules about contact? How's it working out? When you say you hope to all be together for the holidays, you mean step-son with you? Surely you don't mean xow too?!

Has step-son voiced how much time he wishes (or not) to spend w/your family or with his dad? Or are his wishes considered? Has xow (re)married? Does she have any other kids?

My xow was a close "friend"; the A lasted about 15mo. We moved long-distance for 6y, then this year the military sent us back and we've begun visitation. It is hard to see xow. Part of me really wants to discuss more with her, not the past so much as what we're doing now, but I've let H handle what little they've talked about it. We're afraid she and I talking seriously could turn ugly and ruin what progess we've made. But there is much unresolved there. And lots of people who know us still don't know about OC, who we only see a couple times/month right now.

Did you, like, include OC in your family newsleter or Christmas picture or something?? How did others (esp, those not so close) find out? A few people family/friends know about OC, but most don't.
I don't know what to do about these issues. It's not like we'll find this in an etiquette book, hm?! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Best wishes,
J

<small>[ October 10, 2004, 12:01 AM: Message edited by: Jenny ]</small>

bumped up for tsm

Jenny,
Tylor and his mom live 800 miles from us. So we dont see him very often. we just cant afford it.
His mom's sister lives about 50 miles from us so she may go to her house for Christmas and Tylor come here.
Tylor calls and talks to my H and the kids every week or so and If he dont call, my H calls him.
H and OW dont talk very much. They did talk last night.
We dont to the family Christmas/ picture or newsletter. Just dont have the money.
When I found out about my H's A. I told my family.
When Tylor and his mom came down here to visit.
They met most of my family. My family just accepted him as if he was one of mine and that was fine.
My daughters death was very hard to deal with.
It still hurts at times. But my daughters death was an end to her pain and suffering on this earth. I know that I will see her again some day. I know that her death was not her choice. She did not betray me.
My H's affair was a betrayel to the core of my soul. It was choices he made.
I dont think I will ever really trust him completly.
Oh my H was in the navy for 20 yrs. I miss that life style. going from military into the civilian world was deffintly a culture shock. lol

Back to Tylor.
I think he is very comfortable having a relationship with my H and my children. He isnt very comfortable with me. I dont push him.
He probably thinks I am the reason his parents are not together and I can understand that.
I hope as he gets older he will accept me.

Jami (OW) and I will e mail back and forth. that is our main form of comunication. We do talk on the phone occasionally but not very often.

Thank you for your kind words.

" Jami stayed for a couple of days and then went and stayed with my MIL. My MIL has known for several years and was sending child support so I wouldnt find out). "

Your strength is simply Grace-based.... no human should have to process this excessive pain and hurt in one lifetime.... so sorry... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I was particularly distressed about the above part of your story... Your MIL was the keeper of the lie??? Really??? What a disgusting thing for her to do.

How have you reconciled her participation of the betrayal of your marriage?

What gesture has your MIL made to heal your relationship with her?

pep

Pep,

I really dont have a relationship with my MIL now.
When I found out about the A. she was in the middle of gowing thru a liver transplant proccess. So I dint let myself get angry with her. We didnt know if she was going to make it or not. Last Oct after she had finally had the transplant and was doing better, I couldnt keep it in in longer I was very angry with her.
She had divorced my H's father for this very reason. I just couldnt believe it.
SHe had sent Jami several thousands of dollars of the years so i wouldnt find out. My H's check is direct deposit so there is no way he could have snuch money to her. My MIL used to be loaded before the transplant so it was no proglem for her to send Jami money. After all it was for her grandson.
She even had them live with her for 3 months. I rember calling her once during that time, and Jami answered the phone. I asked my MIL who it was and she just sayed a friend of hers was visiting.
I had cried on her shoulders several times before I found out about the A. I could tell something was wrong with my H. (he was stationed 800 miles away from me) Cuz everytime we talked he was distracted and very distant. I told her I thought he was having an affair. (the A was over by this time but she had sued him and they were in the middle of court procedings that he was hiding from me). She just told me that he would never do that it was probably work related.
She lied to me over and over when the whole time she knew. I truested her, I thought of her as a second mother. I will never trust her again. Now I tolerate her. She says she didnt tell me because it wasnt her place and she was afraid that if I knew I would take her grandbabies and run. What a crock of bull that was.

Sorry for the vent. This still hurts alot more than I thought.

Hello Tylorstepmom,

Boy I tell ya, MIL's are something else....but what can u say...that is HIS mother not yours. We as wifes always try to embrace them, but there is always some kind of conflict ( well some people's situation may differ, but for the most part...I know I speak the truth). Well, giving her the benefit of the doubt, I guess she was stuck between a rock & a hard place...but a good MIL would of put the pressure on her son to come clean with his BW, unless for some reason, she just didn't like u.

My MIL had to learn the hard way. OW had my H's whole family turned against me...she would take whatever my H told her from A days, and turn it around to something nasty and wicked. It was a mess. Finally, they got struck by the vicious venom of the OW, (My prayers were answered...God showed them all the light) and now they don't want anything to do with her. OW was always sucking up to them. I blame my H for all of the mess....who the hell told him to go introducing her to his family...he says she literally introduced herself, and invaded their lives ( buying stuff, driving my MIL here & there ... in one of our heated exchanges I told her they are just using your stupid azz)...Ok, whatever, doesn't matter how, she infultrated everything. His family even went as far to start turning against my H based on him finally taking a stand and realizing what was happening...I was being blamed for alot of things being said...but I was not even talking to anyone, not even my H at the time (at that time he only got minimal convo from me about bills, the kids,etc) ...so my H knew that half of the drama was fabricated by OW. Anyway, to make a long story short, his family had to go thru it to realize that u should never go against the grain. They are too thru with OW after the fact...but it does not erase the pain and hurt I felt during those times, and yes I have forgiven them, but I always keep my guards up around them because I feel that I can't trust them...no matter what they say. Just be careful. I wouldn't tell MIL anything u wouldn't want others to know.

I really dont have a relationship with my MIL now.

What about holidays, birthdays, etc.... How have you and your H decided to manage these sorts of situations, when your MIL might expect to be invited?


She even had them live with her for 3 months. I rember calling her once during that time, and Jami answered the phone. I asked my MIL who it was and she just sayed a friend of hers was visiting.

This is disgusting.


I had cried on her shoulders several times before I found out about the A. I could tell something was wrong with my H. (he was stationed 800 miles away from me) Cuz everytime we talked he was distracted and very distant. I told her I thought he was having an affair. (the A was over by this time but she had sued him and they were in the middle of court procedings that he was hiding from me). She just told me that he would never do that it was probably work related.

This is actually a pretty big reason why this affair was such a long one... it was condoned and protected by MIL.


She says she didnt tell me because it wasnt her place and she was afraid that if I knew I would take her grandbabies and run. What a crock of bull that was.

Here is the problem, as I see it. You know all the details, and I do not.

This is possibly the underlying philosophy that your husband's family functions under...

---> It is okay to lie and deceive those you love if it gets you things you want

If this is the family value that your H was raised learning.... you need to protect yourself.

There is no reason to trust any of these people with the important decisions involving your wellbeing. There is no reason to assume they will tell you the truth. And, unfortunately, this probably includes your H, Jami, and your MIL.

Listen to what they say... but do not assume it is the truth.

None of these people have given you any reason for you to fully trust them at their word. Always insist on proof.

Pep

Thanks Pepperband,
My MIL used to spend Christmas with us almost every year. Has spent Thanksgiving with us.
Last year she didnt. Nothing has been said about this year.
Now I only deal with my inlaws when I have to.

I used to call my MIL every week to check on her, to see how she is doing. (she had a liver transplant 6-03.) about 4 months ago she told me she didnt want me to call and check on her that she is not my mother. She only wants my H to call her. So I respect that. I dont call her. I remind my H to call and check on her but he only does it maybe once a month. But that is her choice.
I dont trust any of them. Never again. We live 2 hours away from H's mother and her sister and their children and families. Not once have me and our children been invited to any type of family gatherings. But when the OW and her and my H's son stayed with my MIL for 3 months they went to the zoo and a bunch of other family activities.
I dont know why they treat me the way they do. I have never been mean or nasty to them.
Sometimes I just want to run away from it all.

OH my. This is one of the most heart wrenching things I have ever read. My heart bleeds for you at the loss of your precious daughter. Please, how is your son doing? You are in my prayers.


As for the inlaws. I would not ever consider that woman family again. She was worried about you taking the grandkids away from her? I would be afraid of her having anything to do with them. Lets see, she supports lying, is willing to cover and decieve, she treats you with disrespect and has the gall to say she was worried about the grandkids?? Honey she is unfit to even have those kids around. Liver transplant or not, she should have supreme respect for you and all you have suffered. HER granddaughter died and her son is off having an affair and she helps him? This woman should not be allowed anywhere near your children. They have suffered enough. Bless their hearts.

I would be very carefull about this ow. Her ability to insinuate herself into the inlaws has her thinking SHE is family. I smell a rat here. You are such a nice kind loving person to accept so much. As is your family. I'm afraid that you are out of your league with people like her and your inlaws. I don't like the happy family that is playing out here, based on what has happened in the past. I hope your good graces and kind self are not being set up for the fool. Your husband is a lucky man to have such a sweet loving and devoted woman as his wife.

Please let us know how your son is doing.