THANK YOU TO THE ONES THAT DID RESPOND TO ME, I REALLY APPRECIATE GREATLY. THERES QUESTIONS THAT I WANT ANSWERS TO AND MY H DOESNT SEEM TO WANT TO ANSWER THEM, HES BLAMING MY MISTAKES SO HE CAN JUSTIFY HIS MISTAKE. I DID MAKE MISTAKES..I LIED ABOUT MONEY AND OUR CHILDREN. I DID GO OUT WITH FRIENDS,AND HE KEEPS ACCUSING ME OF CHEATING AND I COULDNT DO THAT TO HIM,NO MATTER IF OUR MARRIAGE WAS ON THE ROCKS. THIS IS THE WORST PAIN EVER AND HE DOESNT SEEM TO UNDERSTAND MY PAIN. ALL HE SEEMS TO BE CONCERNED IS HIS PAIN.WHY CANT HE UNDERSTAND WHAT HE DID? CAN ANYONE ANSWER THAT?
IM NOT TOTALLY SURE IF IM READY TO ACCEPT THE OC INTO MY LIFE RIGHT NOW. I KNOW THAT A CHOICE THAT I HAVE TO MAKE. HOW CAN I MAKE HIM UNDERSTAND THAT WE NEED TO BE A TEAM, THAT WE NEED TO DO THIS TOGETHER AS ONE.

Hi Misele,

I feel so sad for you reading your post. Your husband seems jealous. I did cheat on my husband while he was in jail. So my husband had a revenge affair on me and produced OC born September 15th. He went to see the OC on September 15th. He always blames me for his actions and tells me to deal with the consequences. So I understand your pain. I have tried to get him interested in Marriage Builders but he has no interest whatsoever. I hope your man can be changed. I really do. I do not want to see you hurt like I have. My husband did not understand my pain either. He would leave the house when I would cry. He was never supportive of understanding of the pain he caused. In order to survive I learned I had to withdraw from him and try and make myself happy. Sometimes when you withdraw then they will chase after you. I do not mean to paint you a gloom picture, I am just saying I understand what you are going through. Your husband is in a fog and feeling guilty. For him to see your pain makes him feel more guilty for hurting you. I will support you anyway I can.

THANK YOU GENIA.....THERE ARE SO MANY THOUGHTS GOING THRU MY HEAD...I SOMETIMES THINK ABOUT GOING AND FINDING A STRANGER AND "DO THE DEW" AND GET PREGNANT JUST MAKE HIM SEE HOW MUCH IT HURTS. MY OLDEST DAUGHTER WHO IS 14 DOESNT UNDERSTAND WHY IM UPSET MY 11 YR OLD SON DOESNT CONSIDER THE OC TO BE HIS SISTER AND MY 7 YR OLD DAUGHTER JUST THINKS SHES A PLAY TOY....HOW DO I EXPLAIN THE THEM THAT WHAT THERE DAD DID WAS WRONG. I DONT WANT MY DAUGHTERS TO PUT UP WITH THIS SITUATION. AND I DONT NEED MY SON TO BEING A CHEATER AND THINK ITS OK TO DO THIS. I WANT TO MAKE MY H HURT AS MUCH I AS DO.

Hi Mishele,

First it is very hard for children as young as yours to understand or deal with issues such as betrayal. They just want to be in a normal family. Unfortunately if your husband does not wake up and see what he has done and team up with you it will never be normal again. Please do not try and explain anything else to your children. Please go get those children some counseling. I am so sorry your children are going through this. You need counseling too. Please do not have a revenge affair, it will only make things worse as I am evidence of. You will then both be angry with each other. You are not ready emotionally for another relationship. You need to heal. Please read about Plan A and at least give it a shot. If he hurts you too much, go do your own thing. Hang out with your friends. There is nothing wrong with that if he does not want to try to make this work yet. You cannot do it alone.

genia thank again for trying to put some sense into my head..but i cant seem to find the plan a and b....thank you for your help i really need it...and thanks for trying help me and understand me. i dont have anyone who is on my side about this whole situation.

Plan A link

I know what you mean people will not understand. They will just tell you to leave your husband but you have to do what you feel in your heart. If you do not do everything in your power to save your marriage you will regret it later.

<small>[ October 01, 2004, 10:08 AM: Message edited by: Genia ]</small>

Hi Mishele,

One more thing I forgot, since your husband feels threatened by you going out, Offer for him to go out with you and if he refuses you are off the hook.

ive tried to have to go out with me. his excuse is that im tired. we used to do all kinds of things together,but that came to a stop we he started "working all the time". its like we both went our separate ways. he just expected me to sit home alone while he was away, but we i decided i had enough of sitting home and wanted to go and enjoy myself that was a problem. i did tell my h that i didnt love him anymore and i thought i did. what was i suppose to do. i didnt have a h. how was i suppose to feel, sorry for myself. i just couldnt do that anymore. i thought i was strong enough to get thru this but im just not sure if im emotionally stable for another heartache...

Hi Mishele,

No you were not to sit home. If he is too tired to go with you, tough. Evidently he was not to tired to create OC. Sorry that was mean but the truth. I feel so bad for you. Keep going out and have fun. Maybe one day he will come with you. Be nice to your husband but don't bend over backwards for him. It is not your fault if he wants to wallow in his own self pity. He did this to himself. The guilt, and the blaming you for his own mistakes. He needs to own up to his mistakes so you two can work together to solving your problems.

M, first of all you are not to blame for his A or the OW or OC. We are adults and we make our own dicisions to make mistakes or make things right. You need to read everything here and pray about it. H blaming you for HIS affair is crazy. He is not doing right. You BOTH may had a hand in letting your M slip away from you. You do your thing, I'll do mine. Which ends up the same, NO GOOD. It leads for A to happen on both sides. But some are better at fighting off lust than others. Dont let him blame you what so ever. And YES your childrens lives will be forever changed. My D was a daddy's girl, she is 11, but hasn't gotten back to being close to her dad since we told her about the OC. Thats his doing, NOT mine. Part of his punishment from God is how I see it. Sin does not go unpunished EVER! Its a promise! My D knows the 10 commandments and she knows Adultry means, they teach that is SS. I don't have to explain that to her. Let your children talk about, try and get H to be in on those conversations, because YES he is the reason for their doubts about family now. But be open and honest and give the answers short simple and to the point. Dont tell them are are too young or just an adult thing, its not, its a family thing now. You need to read post from JT2 and LUV, he is acting alot like their H have. Dont feel guilty for not wanting OC in your life, you did not bring him there and be honest w/ H. I will tell you he will get angry and one day he will be "ok I get it" and the next no way we are here for you and it helps just to vent and talk here before talking to H! Get your anger out w/ us who do understand what you are feeling and going though.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

hello sunnyd!
thank you so much for letting me vent to all of you..i didnt know where else to turn. I JUST WANT ALL OF THIS TO GO AWAY. I WILL PROBABLY BE VENTING ON HERE ALOT SO PLEASE BARE WITH ME..THANKS AGAIN TO YOU....

Hello Mishele,

I would not tell my H I don't want to have anything to do with the OC....vent on this board in regards to OC, but not to your H,...that just gives him an excuse to try and handle things on his own with OW....the reason he doesn't consult u anymore about the concerns of the OC is because you don't want to have anything to do with OC...excuses, excuses. He will surely use your own words against you later...don't give him any to use. (and yes it is ashame we have to monitor how we handle these situations, but they are such a mess, u just have to be careful).

Your H wants u to sit home, while he does whatever he wants....HA! YOu go out and enjoy yourself ( u don't have to stay out all night..lol) but just have fun...do it for you & your sanity...he just wants to make u feel guilty, and for what???? I would ignore him, and let him feel it...let him wonder. They always want us to sit back and roll around in the mess they created...how u feel is important...don't ever forget that. Don't look for revenge or have an A, two wrongs don't make a right....just take care of u, and make u stronger...hopefully your H will come to realize the extinct of what he has caused.