It's confirmed papers came yesterday. So, now a bit more has come out by WH concerning what OW has said. Of course she told him she will not allow evil BS (me) to be in contact with the OC. Tried to explain to "fogged" WH that that's the normal. Why would OW want me to have contact with OC, then her fantasy of my WH leaving his family and living happily every after with a white picket fence and her first "[censored]" child is gone up in smoke. Realty then has to set in. I still don't think he gets it though.

Seems to think that just isn't her intention. Now, at 36 yrs old, been married and dumped, known as town slut (remember we're in a very, very small Pacific NW community), first child is a product of same situation as OC, living in a dump of a trailer that ex-stepfather bought, "works" in the "bar" industry, drives a vehicle that someone else bought for her and has never done a thing for herself - I just can't imagine why WH would think she has ulterior motives. HMMMMMMMMM........

So, WH says I am too "controlling". Can't imagine any of you ever hearing that one - eh. My guess, it's more than common in these situations. Excuses for WH.

Bottom line is he says he's a "coward" and doesn't want to deliver supplies to her when I'm with him because he doesn't want any controversy and of course he can't "trust" me to just stay in the car - another good excuse. Do they every stop making them. To be honest, I'm very close to going to Plan B. It's seems it's always twisted back to my fault. I should just "trust" him and get on it with it. Never mind that every time I "trust" him, he does something else to take that trust away again. Seems to think I should just grin and bare it because he's NOT living this way for the rest of his life.

Sorry, but needed to vent. He just went down (to town) to get a skill saw for the project we're working on. So, here I sit on pins and needles wondering if this is another day of him off of the deep end. There's alcohol abuse in this situation, which in turn resulted in the OC in the first place.

And so it goes.

Sorry to hear that it truly is your H's child. We always hold out that the trampy OW was messing around with everyone and it no way can be our H's child....go figure...God works in mysterious ways. I can only advise that you continue to pray and ask for God's mercy & grace.

Try to stay positive and hold your head high!!

I am very mad for you. I feel your pain, but If your husband wants a working relationship with you then I think he better start laying down the law with the *******.

Its his way or no way, He brings his other half(you) with him wherever he goes and while doing whatever. If she doesnt like it, then he can just pay some one to deliver supplies. Throw a teenager a few bucks and have them "deliver stuff"

Hell wasnt it that way with you and hubby while he commited adultery....his way or no way.

NOW if all she wants is a father for her ******* then she should have no prob.

<small>[ October 03, 2004, 09:14 PM: Message edited by: Justuss ]</small>

Wow cordella, I'm glad I'm not your xow as if I someone ever called my child ******* it would probally be the last cus word they ever used. Don't call innocent children names. That is just as bad as anything else. Call the ow the **** and **** and drop the name calling on the child please. I'm sure some of these people have adopted children which you would be calling there adopted children ******** as well. MY child is not *********and if you think she is than xmm is a**********as well as he was adopted. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

<small>[ October 03, 2004, 09:15 PM: Message edited by: Justuss ]</small>

Hi,

I feel your anger as well. My H has not yet taken the paternity test yet. I keep asking when and he says soon.

He says he's 99% sure though. She was suppose to be a virgin. At 29. Imagine that.... And she just so happens to pick my H of an opposite race to be her first. I didn't by it, neither does my H but he has seen the oc and says he looks like our first born. He never wanted the child and begged for an abortion exspecially since the child was to be born with major birth defects.

This did not stop the OW from having him. She just wanted a baby. Any How I do agree with the others. The child should never be called a name. I also have two adopted children and they are totally mine . They have never been nor will ever be the word you described. The child and you are the victims in all this.

Just my opinion
Lori

Ok ntmo. Settle down. Cordelia is new here and relatively new to the knowledge there is an OC in her life. Names nice? No, however her hurt is still raw. She can't bypass this pain or push it aside. She needs to work THOUGH the pain will do so with GENTLE advice and suggestions.

Just wanted to clarify the "[censored]" thing. "[censored]" child is a common term used for a very long, long time for children born out of wedlock. I think I used the term first in my post and used a poor choice in words. For that I apologize. Caught up in the emotions of it all. I certainly didn't intend to say anything negative about the OC born out of these circumstances. The OC's are the innocent.

Lynn, have you been allowing him to see OC without you being there too? How is that working? I'm struggling with that as I say there is no way he should be going to see OC without me at least being in the vehicle. If I'm not in presence at least the OW can use her "poor me" stragegy and then WH feels guilty about not spending time and helping out more. Of course, I again am that evil, wicked BS and she's not going to allow me to be around other child. WH is a coward and won't stand up to OW at this point. She's not going to have a choice though, she needs to come to realize that soon. We're still new to this thought as OC was born just 09/08.

I would not give supply one until you have a court order in my state that is considered a GIFT and will have to be repaid. As for ow if reading the words of BW is so painful why don't you stay away.

Dont go for the evil BW bull crap. UNLESS you have said or done something that makes her think this way. My attorney from DAY ONE has said DO NOT talk to her, do not do anything that will come back and be used against you. The BEST advise I have ever gotten! She can use what ever you say and what ever you do in a neg way. Even here if she reads and prints it. So I would say to all of the "newbie" becareful. I know you are upset and I know this crap of a life that you are going though will make you crazy and say things that you really dont mean. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Its all still new and fresh and the hurt is not going away over night. But your H seeing the ow and OC is not good at all. Dont start it! Do everything legal. And stay calm. Contact cant be lets see who controlds more, it has to be a legal, you and your H on same team and consider the children involved. Thats not to say you should put the OC first, you, nor him should. Your children are here because you love and commited yourselves to each other. The OC is to be a part of your life because it is what ya'll have chosen as a family to do. Have you looked at the POJA this is very important to get done NOW. I hope things get better and pray that your anger and hurt heals soon.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

I would have answered earlier but my son had emergency surgery.

FYI - the word that offended the OW up there is NOT a CURSE word or cuse word as she put it.
(reality is)
The legal term for the OC is an Adulterine [censored] LOOK it up if you would like.

I am not considering it bad word when I say it.
I call my niece(25) that and she calls her own daughter that. Her choice she made when she didnt marry the father- her boyfriend.

LOL OUR family doesnt let words phase or control us in the least, We have always been like that.
WE dont find it offensive at ALL. We embrace the reality of life so no one can offend us, we call it what it is, and its no big deal.

The way we figure - if you didnt want to have a child out of wedlock then its your choice not to, if you do oh well, its your life.

As for the adopted children they have both parents legally now dont they.

Sunny D

I did write her a letter in the very beginning - the first two weeks' I found out back in March. I have had NC, said nothing, did nothing since then. I didn't even have to own up to the letter, as I sent it without signed, but I have a hard time lying. I didn't call her names, threaten etc., I did say a few things that were to the point. Hindsight being 20/20 I wouldn't have done it. That being said, I'm quite confident if she took the letter to task, that any official would consider what circumstances it was written and what has/hasn't happened since.

We've successfully parented three children - two of which were my step-children that we had custody of. All three will tell you they were treated equally.

I'm really having a hard time convincing my WH that he should talk with her either until visitation, support etc are set. He too can screw himself up and may have already if she wanted to take it to task. I say get the ducks in a row that the OC isn't going to know you weren't around for the first couple months of his life. There's plenty of time to bond.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Cordelia:
<strong> I would have answered earlier but my son had emergency surgery.

FYI - the word that offended the OW up there is NOT a CURSE word or cuse word as she put it.
(reality is)
The legal term for the OC is an Adulterine [censored] LOOK it up if you would like.

I am not considering it bad word when I say it.
I call my niece(25) that and she calls her own daughter that. Her choice she made when she didnt marry the father- her boyfriend.

LOL OUR family doesnt let words phase or control us in the least, We have always been like that.
WE dont find it offensive at ALL. We embrace the reality of life so no one can offend us, we call it what it is, and its no big deal.

The way we figure - if you didnt want to have a child out of wedlock then its your choice not to, if you do oh well, its your life.

As for the adopted children they have both parents legally now dont they. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I had my child Legally too! In fact so did xmm. hmmmmmmm interesting words you said there. Maybe it's okay for your family to talk like that, but it was very wrong for you to call a child that. FYI......even before this ever happened in my life, I had a HUGE problem with someone calling any child born outside of a marriage that name. IT'S JUST WRONG. Xmm was adopted and born from an affair. Even when I was really mad at him I never called him that. I guess you have to live it before you can understand it.

She said you could look it up...

*******************************************

Adulterine [censored]

Adulterine [censored], though not used in many places, is a term used to describe a child born to a married woman when the woman's husband is not the father of the child. This may occur if a woman becomes pregnant by someone other than her husband during the marriage; if a woman enters the marriage already pregnant (by someone other than her husband); or if a woman, without her husband's consent, becomes pregnant through artificial insemination by donor.

In the past, many divorcing husbands attempted to evade paying child support in these situations, claiming that the children were adulterine [censored] and therefore not "theirs." Many states, however, have laws which irrebuttably presume (that is, the presumption cannot be disproved) that a child born during a marriage is the child of the husband, regardless of who the biological father is.

Here's the link:
http://www.nolo.com/lawcenter/ency/...atID/50577D19-965B-4301-B98AE541654F9EAB

<small>[ October 05, 2004, 09:26 AM: Message edited by: findingmywayback ]</small>

NTMO You have a hard time with anyone calling a child a name????? Well who doesn't? I don't think any of us would condone anyone walking up to any child and saying "you [censored]" But this is just a message board and she is just venting.

My daughter, in her wonderful teen age, know it all rage, flung a statement at my husband one night, "..at least I don't have to pay for some [censored] child...." It shut him up quick. I was horrified, but guess what. Wrong as it was for her to say, she has a right to her opinion. So yes, the word "[censored]" is awful. But know what? The whole situation is awful for everyone, all around.

So let this women vent.. She is hurt. She is angry and if she wants to vent about her situation, this is the place to do so. It is for marriages dealing with an oc. She doesn't have to be politically correct here. She can let it all out. If she wants to spout, she is welcome to do so.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by needtomoveon:
<strong> Wow cordella, I'm glad I'm not your xow as if I someone ever called my child ******* it would probally be the last cus word they ever used. Don't call innocent children names. That is just as bad as anything else. Call the ow the **** and **** and drop the name calling on the child please. I'm sure some of these people have adopted children which you would be calling there adopted children ******** as well. MY child is not *********and if you think she is than xmm is a**********as well as he was adopted. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If the xmm in your situation was adopted (thus giving him a father and mother) why would you call him that?


"I had my child Legally too! "
What does that mean?

Since we're posting our opinions....

If MY child were ever to talk to her father that way... she would find my hand across her face. But I guess for you that's ok.....because she did use the correct "term".
ent

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Cordelia:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by needtomoveon:
<strong> Wow cordella, I'm glad I'm not your xow as if I someone ever called my child ******* it would probally be the last cus word they ever used. Don't call innocent children names. That is just as bad as anything else. Call the ow the **** and **** and drop the name calling on the child please. I'm sure some of these people have adopted children which you would be calling there adopted children ******** as well. MY child is not *********and if you think she is than xmm is a**********as well as he was adopted. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If the xmm in your situation was adopted (thus giving him a father and mother) why would you call him that?


"I had my child Legally too! "
What does that mean? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Re read your post and you will see what you said.

I will admit it. When I found out about Dad's OC I would call OC his little [censored]. People say things out of anger and I would never dream of saying that now. Maybe people who refer to the OC as [censored] or whatever don't see him/her as a real person, just a reminder of pain and turmoil. JMHO

Cody

Cody:

We have three adult children (21, 22 and 29). How do you think it is best to tell them and if you don't mind what were your feelings toward dad, OW, and OC immediately? The 29 year old knows, but hasn't really had to "face" it yet - what I mean by that is seeing father one on one. The 21 year old doesn't know at all and I suspect the 22 year old knows. They all live out of state, but of course come home periodically.
Thanks

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by inanutshell:
<strong> Cody:

We have three adult children (21, 22 and 29). How do you think it is best to tell them and if you don't mind what were your feelings toward dad, OW, and OC immediately? The 29 year old knows, but hasn't really had to "face" it yet - what I mean by that is seeing father one on one. The 21 year old doesn't know at all and I suspect the 22 year old knows. They all live out of state, but of course come home periodically.
Thanks </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There is no good way to tell them. I hated dad and OW, OC was nothing to me. Dad felt most of my wrath and I made his life miserable when I would come home on breaks. I made sure OW found out dad had disinherited OC and I called her every name in the book when she was pregnant. I also let my friends think that 3 different men had been DNA tested even though Dad was the only one. If people thought she was a slut before.....

I was angry for a very long time but am now over it.

<small>[ October 06, 2004, 02:30 PM: Message edited by: CodyG ]</small>