At what point do OW realize their fantasy is not going to happen? At what point do they realize that they need to humble themselves, own up to their mistake and do what's right for the baby THEY chose to bring into the world under anything but great circumstances.

My WH's OC was born 09/08/04 and low and behold what has she said - well surprise of all surprises. "I don't want your evil BS to have anything to do with OC". Get a grip. I haven't done a damned thing to her. She needs to imagine herself in my position and really ask herself how she would feel.

and let me say one more thing. I have been the OW. I was 20 years old, made a terrible choice, got pregnant, was HUMILIATED and HUMBLED, felt horrible from the beginning about hurting the OW who was trying her best to deal with WH. I accepted responsibility, took care of the pregnancy and associated costs myself and did what was right put the baby up for adoption. WH had no intention of ever being with me. He was "fogged". Even at 20 I knew right then and there what the "real" deal was.

So, needtomoveon give us your perspective from speaking with other OW about how our BS lives are supposed to play out and what we can do to help make our lives move forward for the betterment of all.

--------------------
BS/46
WH/41
Married 21 yrs
Kids - S28,SD22,SS21
OC Born - 09/08/04

Well, I know this wasnt addressed to me specifically, but I'll interject.

i I would initially be afraid that her anger and hatred for me would spill over into her relationship with my child , everytime she looks at my daughter she will see me... and this is a woman who has stated she wants to have me killed. ( Mind you that was what I was told by MM, so therefore its probably bulls%&t)

Now if enough time passes and BW as healed enough and we have made peace with each other, then and only then would I feel okay about her being alone with my child.

i mean lets try a different point of view. hypothetically speaking, Suppose your H divorced you and married the OW, and for some reason this OW HATES YOUR GUTS WITH a passion.... would you feel warm and fuzzy about your child visiting her and the possibility of her being ALONE with YOUR child? And how well do you really know her? You DONT... she is a stranger, you would be leaving your child with a stranger that hates you.


have you tried talking to your OW to assure he you have no ill feelings towards her child? maybe talking to her one on one would alleviate those fears. i mean if I am not mistaken you are strangers to each other correct?



i would give it some time, she just gave birth and you know how your emotions are right after birth... babyblues, hormones etc... give her some time to take it all in... i think with a lot of patience you can talk to her,even if if doesnt go so well at least you made the effort and then you and your husband have to decide what you want to do as far as contact...

Dont worry she'll get the picture... when she is alone at 3am night after night changing diapers in the dark... she'll get over the daddy fantasy...

<small>[ October 03, 2004, 01:14 PM: Message edited by: nycmedic ]</small>

inanutshell:
Well first of all, we all have to make decisions based on what we can live with . If you were able to give your child away to a loving couple who can't have kids that is great. I have always said that giving a child up for adoption you can not raise is the greatest gift you can give. You see I have twins girls who it took 4.5 years to concieve and over 250 thousand dollars later. I have had 8 miscarriages before (in my early 20's) and trying to have my twins. I can honestly tell you that if this would have happened to me before I had gone through all the invitro's and fertitlty problems my decisions would have been different. May I also add I'm not in my twenties, or my thirties either. Abortion WAS not an option. I did consider putting her up for adoption and even went and talked to a counseler about it. After wighting all my options I made the decision to keep her. I knew I was going to raise her alone. Honestly it could be worse. I look at it this way. xmm was doing what was BEST for him. He cared not one little bit about my feelings or concerns or fears. Why should I do something that I WOULD NOT be able to LIVE with for someone who cared so little about how I felt about my options? I have kids too. I have a life too. Maybe as a bw you don't feel I have a right to any emotions or feelings, but everyone has them. At the time I was making life changes including getting rid of xmm. He said from the beginnning he would not be in her life, but would pay support. I accepted that. I thought a lot about his kids and his wife. Why is it that the bw can't understand that it's okay for mm whom was involved with the pregnancy can make decisions regarding what they are going to do, but the ow is consider selfish and wrong for doing what she feels is right and what she can live with? I was in total denial for probally 3 months of my pregnancy. I was first of all just SHOCKED!!!! Then I kept waiting to for what always happens to me (except once). Trust me I had many obsticles through out my pregnancy including a car accident. I was 40 years old when I became pregnant also. I was very high risk due to my age and also she had a two vessel cord versus a three. It was not a one night stand, nor did he not know that I was not on birth control. I've known this man for years and he saw everything I went through for my twins. He knew my history. He also knew I was exclusive with him.......until I got pregnant he demanded DNA testing through amino.......had to have it anyways, so I agreed.....he did a no show twice. I have a daughter that I love just as much as my twins. That is THERE sister. My twins have asked questions and I've answered them for there age withough lying to them for what they can understand. I made a HUGE mistake being with a mm. The results are this and I do feel bad, but not at the expense of giving away my daughter or aborting her. He's not in her life. OKAY.....that is his choice. I've said this many times. For me it's great. For her I feel bad. But........it's not the end of the world, or unworkable. I think you asked in a different thread.......what do you tell that child why she does not have a dad in her life? Well it's something I've thought about a lot and have already really had to start answering questions with my other kids. When the time is right I'll tell her the truth, the whole truth. What I did and how wrong it was, but that I choose to keep her regardless. She is not a mistake. Why would any parent tell there child that they were a mistake? I don't expect you to understand any of what I said, I'm fully expecting to get bashed. You asked and I'm trying my hardest to answer this honestly and respectfully. This is already lenghty enough and I if I left out any question that you asked then just ask again I will answer.

Sorry I think I was still on another thread with my eariler post...so I'll try and answer your questions.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by inanutshell:
<strong> At what point do OW realize their fantasy is not going to happen? At what point do they realize that they need to humble themselves, own up to their mistake and do what's right for the baby THEY chose to bring into the world under anything but great circumstances.

Only speaking for me......the fantacy was over before I got pregnant. I knew he was lying to me and never going to leave. Humble myself??? Wow!!! Probally when he told me he was praying nightly that his child would die.

My WH's OC was born 09/08/04 and low and behold what has she said - well surprise of all surprises. "I don't want your evil BS to have anything to do with OC". Get a grip. I haven't done a damned thing to her. She needs to imagine herself in my position and really ask herself how she would feel.

Did she say that to you? Or your husband? Why does she feel your evil? Does she have reason to? Honestly, unless she can prove it she has no choice. Your married to her husband. Your his family. Really hard to prove too that your evil. Right now she can't put herself in your shoes. It's probaly fresh for her too. With time she may or may not.

and let me say one more thing. I have been the OW. I was 20 years old, made a terrible choice, got pregnant, was HUMILIATED and HUMBLED, felt horrible from the beginning about hurting the OW who was trying her best to deal with WH. I accepted responsibility, took care of the pregnancy and associated costs myself and did what was right put the baby up for adoption. WH had no intention of ever being with me. He was "fogged". Even at 20 I knew right then and there what the "real" deal was.

That was something you were able to do as I stated in my other post to you. It was a very selfless act you did. I'm not 20. I'm 40 and have gone through to much to be able to do that. With our without xmm. BTW....I was very humbled by this whole thing. Humliated to a point. I feel as if I have taken full responsibilty for my actions. I confronted the poeple I needed to and have done what I've needed to bring peace with myself. I did it by telling the truth too.
So, needtomoveon give us your perspective from speaking with other OW about how our BS lives are supposed to play out and what we can do to help make our lives move forward for the betterment of all.

That's a tough one. It's really hard for me to answer that one. I'm just being honest. Beleive it or not it's hard for everyone to cope with this. Everyone has there own way of doing it too. I know time helps. Your very fresh right now. Your betterment of all, maynot be the betterment of ow. Do you know what I mean? I
--------------------
BS/46
WH/41
Married 21 yrs
Kids - S28,SD22,SS21
OC Born - 09/08/04 </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I hope I did this bold thing right for you to read it.
edit to read.......sorry It all went bold. Have no idea how to do this.....Hope you can read it.

<small>[ October 03, 2004, 02:29 PM: Message edited by: needtomoveon ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I would initially be afraid that her anger and hatred for me would spill over into her relationship with my child </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Very understandable.

This week when Cps was doing a background check and talking with my therapist about our home, Cps brought up this very concern, how will I be with Oc due to the fact that he was born from an affair. My therapist assured Cps that I would do nothing to harm the child,

It's not the child fault for the situation he was born in, why would I take it out on him?