I just met oc for first time, last week. She is 3 1/2, beautiful little girl, my heart just fell in love with her. I have three girls of my own, one who is 4, they would be so great together. Problem is how do you establish c, we met a a fast food area with playground for an hour. I'm sure ow is not going to let her be alone with us, and I'm sure it would be frightening for a 3 yr old to be alone with complete strangers. I would love to see her again, but could do without ow breathing down my neck, who doesn't wnat me around anyway, b/c I might hurt her child!! Or as she put it create animosity in her child's life. So what do I do? The court orders say visitation is whatever H and ow decide, as long as oc is picked up and dropped off at ow house, they have joint custody,but no set rules. Any suggestions?

You need to get set rules. Even though it says joint, it also says what ow and mm work out. Your his wife and he should start bringing this child around. Little at a time and if ow does not like it, have the order rewritten. I think it's great you want to be a part of the child's life. I hope it can work out for you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The court orders say visitation is whatever H and ow decide, as long as oc is picked up and dropped off at ow house, they have joint custody,but no set rules. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your H needs to set up a visitation schedule with Ow. And make don't fall for any of the "no W can't be around" or " only when I say at where I say and no visits at your house"

If Ow doesn't agree to a decent visitation schedule bring her to court to enforce your H parenting time. She will get a rude awakening awful fast then

Each state has legal guidelines for custody. What does your state say re: joint? H definately has a say, here!! If xow won't abide by the state guidelines (point them out to her?!), your H can take her to court and get them enforced by police if necessary.

And xow canNOT SAY you cannot be around oc. You and H are married couple; you should be able to do any dropoff/pickups on H's behalf just as xow's H could if she were married.

Who oc is around during HIS time is HIS business, likewise for xow during HER time, unless it can be proven that oc is being harmed.

In the name of "all getting along for child" you could reassure xow that you have oc's interests at heart and would never hurt her... but that's up to you.

Good luck!
J, recent visitation after 6y absence

BIG RED FLAG!

Your first step is to go straight back to court (some states offer free mediation to avoid court)& get a DETAILED coourt order for visitation.

H & I started off w/ a 'visitation to whatever parents agree upon" type of thing & that is exactly where we went wrong & problems started.

You need to get off on the right foot & details is the only way.

It will protect hers as well as your H rights. Otherwise each party has a different idea of what 'reasonable visitation' looks like & then neither party can agree so your H will be @ the mercy of OW wants & not anything that might work for him or your family.

Take a deep breathe, your gonna need it for this roller coaster.

Get all the visitation set up with the courts. You can never trust the ow with this. Get it set up now. She can have as many concerns as she wants. If he is paying CS and has legal rights to that child she can't say/do squat.

This is where logic fails ow. See, she gets pregnant and feels like she won a victory by "getting all she can" in cs. What she doesn't realize, is that the father has just as much right to see and be with that child as she does. So if your husband wants 50/50 with the oc he can fight for it and she can't do a thing.

Once oc is born, dna testes and cs set up. The ow really is nothing. The MM and his wife can decide upon contact or not, partial custody or not, etc. And there is not a dang thing ow can do about it.

So my advice would be to get visatation set up legally. No need to talk to ow about a thing. Go to the courts/laywer and get it done.

Y, I agree everything needs to be set up though the courts. Put down every little thing and cover you butt in all areas.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Sunny D

Apparently this was a very non chalant judge. He says to my H, you and ow are not married, correct? H says correct, well if you marryow, you want have to pay cs, hopefully he was joking. Anyway I did see court orders, h pays cs, it is withheld form his check through state of T, visitation is at each party's discretion, as long as the child is dropped off and picked up at ow place of residence, and she was ordered to change oc's name from her name to our last name. Which tell me if this makes sense, oc's original name was first, middle, our last name, and then ow last name, this is the legal name, she gave this child at birth, on the certificate, then 1o mths later she approaches h and says this is oc, I want cs, and we have to pay 6,ooo in back cs, for first ten months of oc's life we didn't know existed, that's bs to me!! Anyway the judge oreded the child's name be changed, ow name dropped and just leave our last name. Thanks for all of your help and advice, I really appreciate it, I can't see H doing anything, though. He is a conflict avoider at all cost, and that is a big part of our problems... I would be willing to bet my life, if it came down to him going to court to set specific visitation rules, he would avoid c. He says he is also trying to do what is best for oc, and fighting is not best for her. When he speaks to ow he is very soft and kind, I'm over her going ...Hey dig her eyes out, He's aspect is what good would that do.. I say where was Mr nice guy when you were participating in a to begin with..URGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Yelo

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by yelodazee:
<strong>I would love to see her again, but could do without ow breathing down my neck, who doesn't wnat me around anyway, b/c I might hurt her child!! Or as she put it create animosity in her child's life. So what do I do? The court orders say visitation is whatever H and ow decide, as long as oc is picked up and dropped off at ow house, they have joint custody,but no set rules. Any suggestions? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh how I know this feeling oh to well. How does your husband feel about those visits? That was the breaking point for us. After visits we just felt drained by OWs remarks and interference. It was so hard for me to keep quiet. I did just for the babys sake. We were tense and definetly not comfortable being ourselves after her huge outburst. After a few visits my husband knew the only way to do this was through the courts.

Definetely need to talk to your husband and have him understand that this is necessary or your visits will never be pleasant. It is not fair to you, the baby and your kids that witness this behaviour.

Best of luck!!

Be firm on this. Your husband is abusing and using you. Do not take flak for his mistake. I would get the attorney and start looking into divorce and separation. Either he is in your marriage or he isn't. If he can't put ow in her proper place, then what kind of marriage is it?

You need to let him know just what you expect and why. You do not need to be a nag about this either. Tell him that you consider any contact with ow, without you present, a betrayal. That you want things set up legally so ow can't jerk you around, etc. Then speak to a laywer. They can draw up a visitation schedule and specifically state that YOU are able to pickup, drop off, whatever. Do not let this go on any longer. He is being lazy. Don't let this control you anymore.

If he can't do what is right, then you do what is right for you.

I would also want it clearly stipulated in the papers that she is not to contact your home, your place of work (both of you) for any reason. That if there is an emergency, she needs to contact (friend, family member, laywer), and they will contact you if it is in fact an emergency.

Read the POJA. BOTH have to be 100% comfortable or not at all.

Are you in counseling? Sounds like your husband needs it.

As for this issue. Go and speak to an attorney yourself. Get the ball rolling. Don't let this control you for one more day.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by LynnG:

I would also want it clearly stipulated in the papers that she is not to contact your home, your place of work (both of you) for any reason. That if there is an emergency, she needs to contact (friend, family member, laywer), and they will contact you if it is in fact an emergency.

Boy, I wish, how is the above possible? Ow works with H. They work fo rsame company but on different floors. She has been good about not calling our house, it's h's cell phone that she calls. I have constantly asked him to put a stop to it, and he always replies "how?" Then he says when you figure out a way to stop her tell me?" Well I don't know. Usually we never speak of A or oc or ow, if we do I bring it up. It usually escalates into huge fight. It has been 2 years since I found out, we had first c two weeks ago, no real discussion on where it will go from here, when I bring it up, I get can't you just live for today and not plan the rest of you rlife off one hour of c? Well that's hard. Gotta go, H is coming more later.
Yelo

<small>[ October 05, 2004, 07:51 PM: Message edited by: yelodazee ]</small>