Husband had a baby by another woman born September 15th. He recently told me we needed to separate to Get ourselves together. That we were not working, arguing too much. I do not see it that way but he left me for two nights two weeks ago. We are still together however. Saturday he deceived me. He had asked me to print a map to go to his cousins house. However instead he went to see his baby's Mama and spent the night. I found out the truth by calling his cousin. I really beleived him that he was at his cousin's house. I talked to him last night. We had a calm talk. I asked about what happened at his baby's Mama's house. He said he walked in her place. She lives with other people, that he hugged her and then played with the baby. He said he did not touch her again till he left when he hugged her goodby. He said he then slept in the car and drove home in the morning. I asked him if I could have her number so I could call her woman to woman and see if I could work it out with her to be involved in the baby's life. He said he would call her and ask her if he could give me her number. I then asked him how he felt about me. If his love for me was monogamous. He said no. He did say he was being faithful to me. I asked could we try and see if we can stay together for two more months and see if your love for me gets better. I said we can do everything except make love because I do not feel right makeing love to you till you are in love with me. He said he would try but could make no promises. I could see though as I talked to him about how it felt to be a betrayed spouse that it touched him. It seems that my anger as a betrayed spouse caused him to lose love for me. I explained that it was because I loved him so much and it was one of the hardest things I ever had to go through. I asked if I could hold him. He said no. I said why. He said because I am watching a movie. I tried to sleep. Could not. I love him so much it is hard to let go. I just want him to love me back. I also Betrayed him over a year ago. His affair was a revenge affair. I am not sure that he has forgiven me. I am feeling physical affects from this now. Diarrea and anxiety. I am on zoloft now but it does not seem like I can go on because I love him so much. I don't want to lose him. I feel if I let him go now he will only remember my anger, but it is hard to feel happy and show him a good me when I know he does not love me enough. Part of me wants to withdraw. I am also afraid if I lose him that I will greive him to the point that I will not love him anymore. Somebody please help me. I am afraid I am getting sick physically from this.

Genia:

I've been reading your posts for a long time and I certainly can relate to some of what has happened. Your WH doesn't love himself so how can he show love for anyone else. There are no easy answers, but I do know that arguing and trying to make a point with him to make him see how the OW really is doesn't work. I know it's incredibly hard and believe me I don't have it down even close to perfect.

What you must do is take care of yourself first and detach. When I say detach I don't mean pull away from him completely, but show him you're living your life and start doing things for yourself and your children. Be kind to him, but not overly. Don't talk about the situation, let him own it. I know what helps me is physical exercise, prayer and putting positive thoughts in my head.

Hope this helps. I really feel your pain. Boy would it be nice to be living "normal" again.

Hi Inanutshell,

I am leaning towards Plan B because I know I cannot trust him in OW's home especially since he lied to me again. I told him he should not have done that even to a friend. I had told him about being truthful so there is no excuse. He was upset because I called looking for him. I told him that I really beleived he was at his cousins house. I am starting to feel stupid for being so in love with him. I am starting to think if he cannot work it out so I can see the baby then I need to do Plan B. I am also scared he might not fall back in love with me. I am sorry you can relate to some of it.

Hello Genia,

You need to wake up sweetheart....u got to love yourself. Your H is playing games and taking your kindness for weakness. Stop playing these games with him. You don't have to be nasty...kill him with kindness, and also start doing your own thing. Get your life together. Do things with your kids. Your H is doing whatever he feels like doing. The bottom line is that you can not control his actions...he is not hearing you, or listening to you right now. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. Stop making him feel that your next breathe depends on what he thinks, says, or does. You are giving him too much power and control over you. DO U for a change!!!!! You can do it. Who does he think he is to be treating you that way...u deserve better than this. Forget about all that love stuff...love doesn't hurt...so it has nothing to do with this. Take care of U!!!! Good Luck, and keep your head up so you can see where u are going Genia!

Hello again Genia,

And forget about seeing the OC right now. It seems that you are not going to have any say so in the matter because your H is being a true ---, so I would do my best to move on. He is doing things behind your back, so you can not talk to him sensibly or trust what he says right now. Seeing the baby is probably going to make you feel worse....so stop stressing over it. Leave that situation alone...do your best to block it out of your mind. I know it is hard, but you need to do this for your own sanity.

Hi Gofigure,

Thank for your insight. Most people are telling me to focus on myself right now. Exactly what my husband said when he said we should split up for a while. But I think probably if I do that we might be through for good.

Genia,

Not to sound like a broken record, but I agree with everyone else on this one. You can't change how your husband feels. I hate that for you, especially since he has hurt you so much, but that is just how it looks right now. I know you are scared that if you focus just on yourself and your kids that he will not come back, but the way I see it things could turn out one of two ways:

1. You focus on yourself and build your own self-esteem back up. You become a happier person which is good for yourself and your kids. If he doesn't come back, you still feel good about yourself and realize that it is his loss.

2. You focus on yourself and build your own self-esteem back up. You become a happier person, and your husband is shocked that you can live without him. He may just end up finding your new self-confidence attractive and coming back anyway, but then you can be in a position to set the terms.


Right now sweetie, you are letting him have all the control and make all the decisions. Take back control of your own life. It will be painful, but have so many long-term good effects on you and the kids!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Just my 2 cents.

Hey Genia,

Genia, if it was meant to be, it will be...you can not stop it or controll it. Please stop giving your H so much props..."H said we should separate... "... He wants space to be able to do what he wants to do without you saying anything to him, or nagging him...that is what that is Genia. Stop falling for his "Okey Doke" .... He is not respecting you right now...and you are letting him get away with it. I can remember my first real boyfriend, and how I cried so much because I knew I had to get away from him...he was bad news...I thought it was going to be the end of the world...so I prayed...and like a force from within, I was able to seperate myself from the relationship, and move on with my life...and I look back now and say, I can not believe the predicament I was in, I can not believe I was so in love with such a jerk, no love lost...at all. I moved on, and you can too. If it is meant for you and H to be together, then u will be. Don't sweat it right now, just take care of u.

Wow,

Gofigure you have so much wisdom. I remember when I first got with husband my self esteem was so low. He was in love with me but I was not in love with him. Over time I fell in love with him. Now it is the reverse. So I guess I can just fall in love with somebody else one day if we have to split up. Everything seems so much better the way you put it. It is just hard for me to beleive it is ending.

Mariposa,

You have also given me a very wise answer. I think it sounds to me like Plan B is most likely in order.

G, where is your plan B letter? DOnt you have it done already? Give it to his non respecting butt! You need to gather the strength to do this, It is in you and God will help you if you let him. There is no how, no way you should live like you are living! Find yourself a good attorney and plan B his butt all the way to court. He wants his free time, give it too him. There is too much water under the bridge and with time it may be better, but you need to do the Plan Genia and make your life what God intended it to be! (Hugs))
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

Hi Sunny,

I hear you loud and clear. I am hurting emotionally as well as physcally now so I know I cannot live like this. He cannot stay under my roof because it hurts to see him acting so happy and not knowing if he is cheating again. Especially since he said he did not have monogamous feeling for me. BTW he asked what that meant. Then he contradicted himself by saying he was faithful to me. My counselor seemed to think he is a serial cheater. I have no proof but he is not giveing me much hope. I cannot keep going on like this. I will have to Plan B him and not look back.

genia,

you have said all of this before, in fact time after time. You need togive him the plan b letter and move on with your life. what tould be different, you don't have a H now. At least not one that you can be proud of. He will keep doing just what he wants to because he knows you won't go anywhere. All you are doing is whining ansd crying to him meanwhile taking good care of him.

When are oyu going to think about you! EVER? When there is nothing of you left, maybe? Come on girl you ahve been in denial too long - You know he is still with OW and you for the same reason. The two of you allow him to be with no real responsibilities to either of you. Wake up or better yet get going. Life is too short to have regrets. you need to start living. You are obsessed with this man!! There I finally said it. You talk about this mess every second of your day, and he is not changing only getting worse now.

You need to make you happy - noone else can do that for you!!

JT

genia,

you have said all of this before, in fact time after time. You need to give him the plan b letter and move on with your life. what tould be different, you don't have a H now. At least not one that you can be proud of. He will keep doing just what he wants to because he knows you won't go anywhere. All you are doing is whining ansd crying to him meanwhile taking good care of him.

When are you going to think about you! EVER? When there is nothing of you left, maybe? Come on girl you ahve been in denial too long - You know he is still with OW and you for the same reason. The two of you allow him to be with no real responsibilities to either of you. Wake up or better yet get going. Life is too short to have regrets. you need to start living. You are obsessed with this man!! There I finally said it. You talk about this mess every second of your day, and he is not changing only getting worse now.

You need to make you happy - noone else can do that for you!!

JT

Hi JT2,

You are correct. I am obsessed and I admit it. I know what I got to do. I am going to tell him he is right tonight but that he cannot stay and take advantage of my love till his ship comes in. He may get angry but he has not even called OW to try and work things out for me to visit the baby. Before he said I could visit the baby with him. Now OW has brainwashed him and he is not a man. He is a coward. There I need to see him for what he is. He is a scared little boy who runs from all his problems and gets manipulated by OW. I am sure OW put it in his head that this was his and her baby and that I have nothing to do with their baby. Ouch that hurt. I just need to get out of this mess and let him mistreat her. Urrgh!!!

d

<small>[ November 28, 2004, 05:53 AM: Message edited by: baba2 ]</small>

Genia,

You are right you do need to get out of that mess, but I don't think it is just the OW. Sweetie I don't think your H wants you to be involved on any level with him/OW/OC at all. She may not even know that oyu are asking to see OC. I am not defending her by any means, but your H is what your problem is. He is who you need to worry about. She has done nothing to you or at least nto by herself. Since you can not get to her you need to take care of your H and your household.

He unfortunately is not listening to you and does not plan to. So the only thing left for you to do is leave him with his problems and go on about your own business.

You have lost yourself in this mess of a marriage. Now you need to get it back!!


JT

Hi JT,

I know that OW is not innocent because I have talked to her on the phone when she used to call. I do think you are right that husband is not innocent either. He plays his part. I have even seen him not want me to have much to do with his older kids whom his sister keeps. He seems to want to keep everything in compartments. He seems to isolate me to myself. There is even conflict between him, me, and my kids by my second husband as well as my daughter by my first husband. OK so I can't pick men. I know. The first husband I dated for two years and was a virgin when married. He changed into a monster as soon as I married him. During courtship he was this meek guy who always said whatever you want. So I guess I need to find some tactics to judge men's character traits before I jump.

Hi Genia:

Does he have a substance abuse problem, ie drugs and/or alcohol?

Hi inanutshell,

You hit the nail on the head. He is an addict. He has been clean for two years. I did not know he was an addict at first. He hid it from me for a while. Yes I think he is still running away from his problems, this time to OW. But I think it is soon to catch up with him. Probably when I ask him to leave.

I guess my next question is - Are you sure he's still clean? As you are probably aware, the "addiction" behavior doesn't just go away. They are MASTER manipulators and will turn the tide on you each and every time and CONTROL your every move, all the while saying you're the one who's controlling. YOU AREN'T.