At the advice of another poster, it was suggested that I repost this here. So here it goes...........
I've been a member of this site for a few weeks now and have finally gotten the nerve (and the time to post my story). I've looked over the other forum titles and I hope that this is the best place for my post.
I'm going to try to be as candid as possible. This is my first time telling the entire story how it actually happened so bare with me for awhile. I hope it all posts. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
My husband and I have been married for over a year now although we have been together about 5. We had a pretty good relationship. We rarely ever argued and spent much of our time laughing. In fact most people thought we got along extremely well and often commented that they wanted a relationship like ours.
This started to take a nosedive earlier this year. He has an ex gf and fathered a child with her. Their relationship was extremely short. In fact he had another girl friend and then me in his life B4 their child was even born. The baby was her last ditch effort to try to salvage it. Needless to say it did not work as it was already over before he found out she was pregnant.
Anyway, this was our only argument. The only thing that we really did not see eye to eye on. I felt that their relationship should only be about the child. There is no reason for her to call and chat. No reason to ask for favors that a significant other would do (i.e., fix her car). She always gave me trouble. She told him that I was the reason that they were not together. No YOU are the reason why you are not together. She even had it put in the court order that I was not to be anywhere near their child (just to show you how childish she can be). She always tried to keep up drama between us even getting his mother in on the act. Calling her telling her that I was harassing her but it was truly the other way around.
Fast forward til earlier this year. She informed him that she wanted to talk with him. Ok, that's fine. He and I had planned to go and get their child from daycare and maybe get some lunch. She totally threw a wrench in those plans but that was ok. So I asked him where does that leave me and where do I fit in to everything. "Well you can't go." "What do you mean I can't go?" "Well you can't, she didn't ask to talk to you." "Well she hates me, do you think that she will EVER ask to speak to me? What are you going to do if she says not to bring me to child's first day of school this year or recognition assemblies etc." "That will be different." "If it only has to do with the child why am I excluded? Am I not the step mom? If she died today wouldn't raising child become MY responsibility" "Well you make her uncomfortable and I'm afraid that she won't say all she wants to say if you are there." (WTF!!!) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> "Why should you care if she's uncomfortable? Am I not your wife? Did we not vow to be equal halves of the same unit?" "Yeah but this is about my child." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> ***repeat previous statement.***silence from him*** "Okay it's fine. Just call her and ask her to tell you over the phone or send an email. This way she has her talk and I'm not present." "No. She's never asked to speak with me in person before, it must be serious." "Well, short of telling you that your child has 3 mos to live it can't be that serious. She wouldn't tell you she was moving b/c she's done that 3 times already and we didn't hear about it til afterwards. In either case tell me again why it doesn't concern me and why you care more about her feelings than you do mine?"
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
More words from there and it escalated. I could not believe that he was allowing her drive a wedge thru our unit. Sure my opposition helped her along but the fact that she can dictate whether or not I'm in my husband’s presence or not was totally unacceptable to me.
So I did something (that I've since read on here was a no-no) and told him that if he was unwilling to compromise (i.e., phone call or email which was the same way they had communicated mostly before) and if he was set on going without me then our marriage was over and I wanted a divorce. He kinda sat there for a moment. I told him that I didn't hear any dialing and he stalled for a moment and called. I was fuming at this point and really didn't care. I was tired of taking the back seat b/c he felt like he owed her something b/c they have a child together. I (as well as several others) told him his loyalty should be only with his child. They are not a packaged deal...at least to the child's father.
Our main problem is that he doesn't know how to separated the two or make boundaries. He thinks that as long as he gets to see his child that everything else is worth it. She has "leverage" he used to say. It breaks my heart that he doesn't think that I'm worth it. That my feelings aren't even worth being considered. I love him dearly but I was so tired.
Since then I changed my mind and wanted to work on it. We talked and he agreed not to keep the appointment with the lawyer and we would work on it. He went anyway. Then he has this lawyer telling him that I won't be happy til I read his child's mother obituary. WTF? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I told my husband that was so far off base that it wasn't even funny and that it's his job to ensure that this marriage ends. If it was said by a marriage counselor...someone who gets paid whether or not we stay together, you can put a little stock in the advice. However this is a person who won't see a red cent if we stay married, he has a conflict of interest. My husband thinks this man is his best friend now. I said we'll see how friendly he becomes when you run out of money. In anger I told him that if he couldn't work on the marriage I would sure as hell make him work for the divorce.
I digress. He went to see this wolf in sheep’s clothing then went back later and told him to hold off the paper work b/c we were going to try at least 6 mos. He gave up after only one. He went out of town to see his friend one weekend and I spoke to him Sunday morning before I went to church. I kidded with him saying that he needed to go out of town more often and I had a fun time by myself. He said good b/c he was going to see his sisters and was going to stay an extra day. I said okay but I hoped he would come home the following day a early enough so that we could have time for maybe dinner and a movie. He immediately caught an attitude and told me not to plan his weekend. I told him that I wasn't I was just asking for maybe 3 hrs out of his 4 day weekend and I didn't see why it was such a chore for him to spend time with me. I started crying and hung up.
God this is long, I'm beginning to think that I should post a part 2, lol.
Anyway it was awful after that. He said that I showed him that weekend that we couldn't work on it. I told him he didn't even give it a good chance. He started talking about moving out. In a kind gesture on my part, I took my final paycheck (he convinced me it was okay to quit my job to concentrate on school) and threw him a B-day party. He had always mentioned that he had never had one in all of his years. It had been in the works for months but he claimed that I was just doing it to get back on his good side. He didn't even bother to show. I was heartbroken. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
I'm going to try and make this a little shorter. Our lease expired. The landlord said that I could buy the house but sold it to someone else. He found an apartment and I was left homeless, jobless, car-less and 4 mos pregnant. This from a man who promised me forever.
That isn't even the worst part. Loyalty to me is above everything else. If I confide in you I expect you to take it to your grave for you are one of a select chosen few. I also don't like my life as subject for daily gossip so I am very private. So then he goes to tell his ex that he made a mistake in marrying me. That he wants to have more children just not with me and he wasn't even sure if it was his. He let her say that I got pregnant on purpose to try to keep him. He also let her talk about me all the time and never defends me if something she says in untrue.
How do I know this? Because he tells me. He knows that I did not get pregnant on purpose b/c I was on birth control (not pills either). He knows that this child is his but he said, and I quote "She (ex) got a real kick out of that." He knows that whatever he didn't tell me that she would call and tell me the rest...to rub it in my face. I felt the sting of that the worst. I don't like anyone knowing my business let alone the woman who has made my life hell. He has picked such a childish way to behave.
Now she calls him all the time. She confides in him about her BF. This from a man who only a few months ago would let her calls go to voicemail if her # showed on caller id. It's all happy, happyland as far as they are concerned and I'm the odd man out. His wife. The person he claimed to cherish above all others.
There's more but I'll fill in that as questions are posed. You are a saint if you made it this far. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> My question...Is this even worth saving? I see blatant disregard and disrespect on his part but I still love him. Not sure why. I've never failed on this level before. His mother said that he has a lot of maturing to do but why should I suffer for that? I'm at a loss and don't know what to do. I shouldn't even be pondering this b/c it's apparent that he doesn't want to work on it.
