Given that H isn't living at home and claims he wants a D--had 8-9 months to do that but hasn't and he still brings stuff to our house like it is ours do I acknowledge our 9th wedding anniversary or not?

Last year when we were apart I didn't acknowledge it but then again in my mind I was done and it was over and was a lost cause--I had signed final D papers that he started and he never would so they expired around last x-mas.

So what does everyone think? Do I ignore Ooct. 7th this Thursday or do I acknowledge it to him?

Albany, to ME, personally, I'd take that as Albany is still in some kind of Fog- the same Fog that makes H think its ok to bring new things over, etc. like you mentioned.

Will he remember it is that day, for sure? The best thing you can do is forget it entirely- don't even mention it. What for? What kind of message would this card have, anyway...

"uhhh... ummm... have no clue if we are still together, really, or just kinda- or if you love me.. umm.. errr.. what is going on...are we still married... but.. umm errr... "happy" anniversary" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

He doesn't deserve the overpriced 4.00 card that will NOT say how you feel anyway.

Buy yourself something for 4.00.

well that is good to hear because that was my intial thought. So I will go with it--last year I didn't mention it at all and he actually said soemthing about it but then again last year at this time I think he was meandering back and I didn't really see it at first because in my mind it was over--I had signed the D papers that he started.

now I have heard off and on since he moved back out Feb. 1 that he is done and wants a D but seems to me if you wanted a D so bad then you would have gotten one in the last 8 months--IMO anyway you would already be D if that is truly what he wanted he would have done by now and he would ahve signed them a year ago instead of coming home late last fall.

Gio~he even knew OW was pregnant last year when he came back home--but thought she was getting an abortion and when it was obvious that she wasn't going to and had been talking out her [censored] about that and wasn't going to put it up for adoption well he freaked and that is when I lost him again.

Albany, refresh me on something- is he or is he not seeing the OC/OW?

I apologize but I don't remember?

I just wish so much that you (and many days for me too) that I just went on with my life.. and had been 1 year past this mess instead of still in it in many regards. I was beginning to feel healthy, independent and sure of myself again. I was gaining a social life.. etc. etc.. It IS so hard to swallow the "oops another year down the tubes" pill, isn't it?

Today I am feeling a lot like you are- having a "why didn't I just move on w/my life and would be fine now" kind of day.

Forget him, and forget the card, I agree get your self something!

Hey albany,

my anniversary is this month also - Oct. 21 will be 4 years with this man. I say don't acknowledge it. I am not going to for what if they wanted or cared about it being our anniversary they would be at home with their families. Don't add fuel to your fire. If you send it he'll know for sure that he has you just where he wants you - HANGING ON!!

I agree with G123 why send it - what does it mean? He has not been listening to anythign you've said this year. What difference is the card or your anniversary going to make. The onl;y reason he probably mentioned it last year was because you didn't and he was in fear of losing you; but he doesn't have to worry about taht right now - DOES HE?

Don't do it for what you are not living as husband and wife any way so it is a moot point. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Just live your life for you let him earn his way back if it meant to be.
I am not going to sit and wait on my H I am moving on. He had his chance and he's still living over their with them and begging to come, but has done nothing but talk. So now he can talk to my back because I am walking away. I have more respect for myself than to continue to let him use and abuse me and this family.

So Why put yourself through more pain and disappointment; if he cares so much let him reach out to you - See what happens.

JT <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

NC with OW and OC.

has gone out on a date in end of July and goes socially with a group that has members of both sexes and has gone out with group with this girl from date--but she doesn't seem interested in anything more than friends I believe--she really isn't the issue either--the issue is he is sure he doesn't love me--heard that last year.

Then when he came back and moved back in anf told me about OW and OC he told me he loved me so much and we would get through OC thing together and he would never leave me and our son.

Well he left again. And you know what--he can't answer why he left again or what changed after he cried that out to me one night right before christmas--no explaination of why he doens't love me or why we are done.

Thanks JT--I have recently realized that is probably the exact reason he came back last winter--he realized I was moving on and was done.

This whole year though he has had me where he has wanted me--not moving on.
How are you?

I say no card, no acknowledgement etc. Show him you are LIVING.

Just me, but where are the papers? I would give my own set to him! Tell him to sign it or work on M get off or crap. But I wouldn't buy a card to a man that told me he didn't love me. Buy yourself something! He wants to come over and play dad and hubby and then go out w/ the buddies, included are women, and most A start out w/ talking about being unhappy and drinking. So I think your in for another heart ache. Sorry. I hate to say that but A you are a great woman and when he though he couldn't have you back, he was all over it. And now when you want to work on things he's like not now? No thats cause he is used to doing his thing. Albany time for plan ME!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

Sunny, I'm glad you said it first and not me... I hate it that I have way too many "feelors"..

Albany, this group you mention, the date, etc... and him not divorcing but surely not coming home-- well it looks clear to me what he's doing. He is checking his other options. He looks to be either already dating someone and you don't want to see it or believe it.. or he sure is trying to and doesn't want to make anything final with you yet in case he gets lonely again.

Makes me sick. Used to do that when I was younger- but seems we should grow out of that when it starts to ruin lives and children are involved.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

He is not working on anything with you. He's just "there" and you need to get out of "there" and join a "group" yourself.

Don't ya just wish we lived near one another- we need a serious girls night- and I'd love to be just the one to show you how much fun it is WITHOUT those bratty spoiled men!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> LOL!!

G123,

I think you just said it all in a nut shell. Albany, you need to let it go! Honey he is only hurting you and I am at the point that I beleive he'll never recommit to you. I did not want to say it out loud, but I am living it to so I believe that you can take it.

Don't keep fooling yourself Albany, he is where he wants to be and is doing exactly what he wants to do. If all else fails he knows that he has you to fall back on. do you really enjoy being second best? that's where he has put you and your son - SECOND!

I love you and am paying for you, but do you think that GOD wants this for you? Please be mindful that the devil will invade all, but GOD does not want us to except less than what we deserve. Believe yes, but believe that he has better for you, have faith and go forward with your life - Then GOD will take on the rest of the load.

Love ya,


JT

Albany,

I have to agree w/ Sunny, Gio & JT, y acknowledge a day that your H continually says he is preparing to make sure this is the last one, even though he isn't moving on it.

Life is short sweetie, he is TALKING about moving on, maybe u need to START moving on, whether it be filing for D or Plan B but take some action. If he came around once he may again & if not u won't die u will go on & live life to the fullest.

Trust God, if it is meant to be it will, HE already knows the outcome, our job is to trust & listen to HIM, but in the meantime, get about the business of living w/o him & not waiting on him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

albany~

My first inclination is to do whatever action matches your words as of late, so that you can demonstrate consistency if nothing else. However, he could use a good dose of indifference, and taste of "done".

IF you do nothing to acknowledge the day, and IF he inquires about it...you should decide in advance if you'll let him know you remembered, but decided not to acknowledge, or if you'll tell him you simply forgot, and then be firm--not wishy-washy, in whatever you say. My concern lies in that I don't want him to view the whole thing as a game and manipulation on your part, as if you're trying to gain something, (or however his mind works).

Regards,
~ad

Thanks everyone--I'm not giving up hope--I just have to move forward for me and I have been taking babysteps--I have put off painting my red in the great room since early spring because I didn't know what was happening with us--well the heck with us and if we have to sell the house I painted it red!

It makes so mad to know that I may to do the D filing when it isn't even what I wanted.

Aut~I have realized of late I really have nothing to lose--heck I'm in a worse place then I was last year at this time--last year I was okay with being done--so I haven't anything to lose by PlanB and that is what I might need to do--it won't be a perfect PB but I can do the same PB I did last fall that I didn't even realize I was doing at the time and I actually made up re-evaluate.

Thanks again. I guess I haven't totally put my trust in god or I would be totally okay with PB so I work towards that and figure if he is meant to come back then he will and he will work for it--I was honestly at that point last year at this exact time.

You know albany, I know there is a big difference between Plan B and filing for a divorce. And if I didn't know it, believe me...there's lots of posters that would correct me if I said they are the same. That being said, I do wonder though, if at this juncture, it might be wise for you to file for divorce. I mean--yes, if you can do Plan B, that would be for the best--give it a try and all that. If not, maybe the wake up call he needs is YOU filing for the D. YOU forcing his hand. I must warn you, this isn't a game though. If you do it, you must mean it, and follow through, if that's how things go. But maybe, just maybe--it will be what finally causes him to take you and the M seriously. If not, and he signs the D easily, then there is your answer that you've been wanting to know all this time.

D doesn't even have to be the FINAL chapter for you guys. Many people have remarried their x-spouses. Not trying to give you false hope of reconcilliation after a D, or stupid advice, but just another angle you may want to explore. It has been a long, long time that you've been going through this.

I am the LAST one to ever recommend D, much less say the word, and you will NEVER, (well okay--never say never, but you know what I mean), hear me give "high fives" to someone who has filed for D, but in some cases, perhaps it should be looked into.

Still not giving up hope though, and praying you will find a way to do a Plan B...

<small>[ October 05, 2004, 05:26 PM: Message edited by: autumnday ]</small>