I have been reading these forums for about 7 months, this is the first I have been compelled to write, maybe even comfortable enough. First off, I am a WS. In the 7 months since the A occurred, I have worked hard to make up for all of the damage I caused to my spouse, but also to my family. My spouse, as can be expected, has good days and bad days. About 3 months after the A occurred, I was in an accident where I suffered a severe head injury which took away my memory..both short and long term. Some of the longer term memories have come back, but many details of the A and the subsequent fights and arguments are gone. Several neurologists have said I may never remember. I consider losing the short term memories a blessing.

In the past few months I have tried to change everything about myself. I don't want to be known as an "adulterer" for the rest of my life. No matter what troubles my W and I had, I was the one who betrayed her trust (whether or not I remember it is irrelevant) and I want so badly to be trusted again..to be loved again. Both my wife and I have worked hard and we really have made true, concrete progress on being a better couple. There is one problem...

The OW may or may not be pregnant. Prior to D-day, the OW had told my W that she was pregnant but did not indicate who the father was. Since the OW told my W about the A we have not had any contact with her for the past 7-months. Not a call, email or nothing. I have no desire to speak to the OW, nor does my W. Despite how far my W and I have come, my W does not feel she can go on without knowing. I guess the answer is simple and I should contact the OW (in the presence of my W)? Thoughts?

Hi Matous,

First off. Got to say sorry about your injury and memory loss.

About calling OW. If your wife wants you to call. I would have your wife on one phone while you are on the other phone so she can hear everything. This would reasure her and put her more at ease. After all it is over and you have nothing to hide. I hope OW is not pregnant because contact is so very difficult on a marriage.

<small>[ October 06, 2004, 03:25 PM: Message edited by: Genia ]</small>

my W does not feel she can go on without knowing.

Is this what you mean ---> without knowing if OW is, or is not, pregnant, right?

I guess the answer is simple and I should contact the OW (in the presence of my W)?

I would hold off on this contact until you and your wife have (as a team using POJA) come up with a VERY clear understanding of the purpose of the call.

examples:

1. Is she pregnant now?
2. Was she pregnant at one time, but no longer is?
3. Are you the father of the baby? Proof of that?
4. What are her plans if she is pregnant?

I would not do this until the purpose of this action was clearly agreed upon.

There needs to be a reason for doing this that both of you agree is necessary and worthwhile. Work it out first.

Pep

Click on this

* link *

Pep

Matous,

Pepper has given you some awesome advice, but I want to add that you should look up the paternity laws on the internet for your state. I say this because you may be able to find out legally with out even having to contact the xOW. Some states have laws that say that a man who believes may have gotten a woman pregnant, can request a paternity test of the baby. You may be able to file with the courts to have the DNA test done if you know "around" when the baby is/was due. I would look into this stuff, and with your wife decide on what course of action to take next. Of course, you really need to work with the POJA so you are both on the same page!

Work together as a united front and support eachother through this whole mess! How much have you read on this site? If you pretty much just came to this board, I would highly recommend reading the Q&A sections, get some or all of the books recommened, maybe even look into the counseling here, or find a counselor who is familuar and works with the MB principles!

Above all else, I hope and pray that you and your W are able to continue to rebuild your M together!

Welcome to MB, and keep posting, and maybe even get your W to post here too.

Tigger