I'm a new poster. I don't see continuing to post here much after this, but I felt strongly about telling my story. I've been reading this site for a few months after also reading the otherchild site. I registered a few weeks ago but never got around to posting this. I've read CodyG's story with quite a bit of interest.

So here is something you really should all read.
I am an adult OC. I have not seen my father in about 12 years, and have no desire to. My mother was honest about their relationship when I was old enough to understand, and while I don't agree with what she did with him, I love her every day for having me and raising me with love.
I won't pretend I know all the facts or details, but I do know a few things. I know that my fathers wife found out about me when I was born, and I know my father told her he wouldn't see me or my mother again. He did however, continue to come around. I don't remember this of course, but I've seen photos of my father and I over the first year and a half or so of my life. My father paid my mother support directly and she never went to the courts. Then his wife discovered he was still seeing me, and demanded he stop or she'd divorce him. He had three other children and so he stopped. She also told him he couldn't tell their children about me. My mother doesn't talk about it much, but she never said bad things about his wife, at least not to me. The reason I know about his choice is that he sent me a letter around the time I graduated high school. Some years before, when I was around 8, he divorced his wife when his last child with her turned 18. In his letter he wrote that he didn't leave her before because he didn't want to pay support on all those children, so he stayed until they were adults. (That is just one of the many reasons I have no respect for him.)
Anyway, when he divorced, he asked to see me. As I said, I was around 8. I'll be honest, I hated him by then. My mother never said bad things about him. She never said anything about him really, but I hated him anyway. She told him when he came to see me that it was up to me whether I wanted a relationship with him, and I didn't. He never persued it legally. In the years before he divorced he never sent cards or gifts or anything, so I felt ignored and unloved. That made me hate him.
My mother raised me with lots of love, and even though he paid her support only sporadically, she had a good job and we were ok with money. She did her best to be both parents to me, but even thoug she tried, it was never the same as having a Dad. I was jealous and hurt when I saw my buddies Dads at our baseball games and stuff.
To this day I feel incomplete, and there is a hole in my life.
My father's parents never saw me either, According to his letter his wife asked them not to, so they didn't. They have both since died, so I never got to meet them. I honestly don't know what or if his other kids know about me, because I haven't ever tried to contact them. I'd love to know my brothers and sister, but it seems very complicated.

I don't know what my point is exactly, just I guess a caution about the true pain this has caused me in my life. I've read a lot of you say that the child is fine with it's mother, but let me assure you that no matter how great the mother is, it still isn't the same as having a Dad.

I understand what your saying <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
My H and I want contact with OC, as a family H,I ,our 2 children and OC , He will be a part of Our Family! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> OW is not and will not be a part of Our Family,we r dealing with a very selfish OW, unfortunatly.

<small>[ October 07, 2004, 09:20 AM: Message edited by: angels1966 ]</small>

Can I ask you a question? How do you think you would have felt if his wife wanted to include you into their family.
Mt stepson is 9 (OC). I found out about him right before he turned 7.
I do my best to include him into our family. He lives 800 miles away. We have gone to see him and he has came down here to visit us. He has bonded well with his siblings. He talkes to my H and his siblings often.
I sent him packages every couple of months kust to let him know I am thinking of him.
I would say that 90% of the time when he calls or my H calls him he doesnt want to talk to me, Just my H and the kids.
I think he probably believes I am the reason his parents are not together.
I do not want to push myself on him. I would like a relationship with him.
He did call me about a month ago and tell me he loved me, but I wonder if he really meant it or his mom (who I have become friends with) had him say it.
I worry about how this is going to effect him as an adult. Am I doing the right thing by trying to be a part of his life?

Thanks.

It's sad your mom's choice deprived you of a father in your life. It's unfortunate you were placed in the middle of such raw emotions.

I've never met my bio dad due to a completely unrelated reason, my mom made a foolish decision when she was young. She remarried when I was one and he adopted me so I ended up with a dad anyway. It doesn't just happen to children who are the product of an affair. That's something we have to keep in mind here.

Hello Justfindanddandy,

The pain you explained is the main reason why this situation is so hard to deal with. From what I read, you have deep rooted feelings of hurt and pain towards your Dad...you need to let it go. You love your Mom and were able to forgive her for her roll in putting you in this situation, but you won't forgive your Dad? Understand that he was caught between a rock and a hard place with this situation also...should he continue to be deceitful to his marriage and see u, or should he leave things alone....well, u would probably argue that he should of stood up for u to his wife, so he could see u....that didn't happen
... just know that he never forgot about you in his heart...he had to carry his pain with him all this time to.
The bottom line is that this type of situation never really has great tales to go with it. Someone is bound to get hurt...all at the expense of two selfish people...your Dad and his OW, your Mom. Sit back and think about what you would of done if it were u. Really think about how you would feel if you were your Dads wife. Think about how your Mom truly felt, knowing the situation she selfishly put herself in, as well as her precious child. It is all painful, and your Mom had no choice but to make the best of the situation by loving you...that is what Mothers are all about, no matter what.

So, I would advise you to stop wasting time, we only have one life to live...if your Dad wants to see you, and get to know you, and try to make amends...let him...it is never too late. He is divorced. Free yourself, and also bring peace by freeing another lost soul, your Dad.

Just my 2 cents.I hope it helps.

JustFine,

I am truly sorry that you have had to suffer the pain and feel the hate you described in your post. Your situation and feelings do not actually surpise any of us here, in fact it actually confirms what most of us think will happen in these unfortuante and "unfair" situations.

Affairs profoundly hurt so many, and hurt/consequences that can show up in different forms for years. You are an example of part of the hurt that lasts and lasts. Even your father has been hurt greatly I'm sure, by the guilt and pain of not having a relationship with you and also his M ending in divorce, etc. etc.

Makes me so mad when kids are created who will feel what you do and my H's OC may feel some day. Makes me sad for the wives and families of these men (like me and my kids) who have had their dreams and families shattered. Makes me sad for my H for the guilt and torment he feels.

This is part of the "hurt pie" as another poster here says... and we all get a sh*tty slice of it to live with-however we canwe can find a way to live with it. Not everyone knows what to do in crisis, there is no one way to handle such emotional and painful issues. Your father's ex-wife thought she could never handle or live with the pain of your presence, however, this may have been the reason your father and she didn't make it... it is just VERY VERY hard for EVERYONE and things get botched very often.

I bet your father is very sad that he does not know you now and that you don't want to know him.
However, you are still living and so is he. Hate can be replaced with forgiveness, for the things people do that hurt others. Maybe some day you can find a way, and have a new found family that will be around for as many years as it was not.

<small>[ October 07, 2004, 10:39 AM: Message edited by: giovanna123 ]</small>

Wow Gofigure.. we basically just said the same thing in completely different words. We posted at the same time.

Basically, the father of the OC is tormented with the decision of - lose my wife and 3 kids of the home- or lose the OC- its like a 4 to 1 thing, and every life is precious so .... someone or everyone is losing out. IT CAN WORK, however, it is neither right or wrong for what one can live with or withstand. Everyone has a different threshhold for pain. Everyone is not as strong or able to accept OC, and more commonly most wives and MM cannot survive seeing OC. Raw emotions, yes Gofigure- IT SUCKS, period, for all.

Thanks Gio123,

Just proves that great minds think alike!!! Thanks!!!

We have proven as women dealing with this kind of situation that we are strong, and with the help of God, we can endure what ever comes our way, and whatever God allows us to endure...it just goes back to the saying that God will not put more on us than we can bare ( even though we think we can't take anymore)...we know God will direct our paths if the direction needs to change, no matter what the outcome.

Life goes on...out of this new darkness will come light!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's sad your mom's choice deprived you of a father in your life. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, my fathers choice left me without a father.

And to go back to his wife only to aviod more child support (his words in the letter, not mine) certainly doesn't win him anyway awards with me.

Taylors,

I really can't answer your question about how I would have felt in his family's life, because I don't know how anyone would have been toward me. I was around 7 or 8 I guess when his youngest turned 18 and he divorced, so it's not as if we would have been playmates. Do I wish I had gotten a chance to know? Absolutely. But what I was told, again in the letter, was that his wife was %100 never going to allow it.
I think the biggest thing that bothered me was him not even sending me birthday cards or anything. As an adult now, I really think that was crappy. It was like I just fell off the earth to him. He could have done that, at least. Maybe if he had, I wouldn't have been so angry when he tried to come around when I was 8.

Hello Dandy,

It seems that u r bent on staying angry at your Dad...and not willing to place any of the blame on your Mom (because its easier to blame Dad )...u really are not being fair...but that is your choice.

Really, u should stop looking for someone to blame entirely....what is done is done, we can not change what has already happened, but we can do our best to make our futures brighter. I don't know if you have kids or not, but alot of lessons are learned by what we teach and show people. Perhaps you can show your Dad how U FEEL things are suppose to be....expressions of love, etc...since u feel he has not fulfilled his duties as a father....nobody is perfect, we all make mistakes. I am not taking anyone's side on this. Everyone gets hurt. Point blank.

But what I was told, again in the letter, was that his wife was %100 never going to allow it.

All of us are responsible to make decisions that will increase or decrease the quality of our individual life.

All decisions come with consequences.

Your mother made poor choices and suffered the consequences.

Your father made poor choices and suffered the consequences.

The innocent children suffer the consequences born from the poor choices the adults made.

Your unhappy situation is a direct result of the poor choices of your mother and your father.

Your father's wife was entitled to establish her boundaries of contact to protect her children as she saw fit. This woman is not responsible for your unhappiness. Your parent's were equally responsible.

Now that you are an adult, you make a choice of how you want to conduct the rest of your life. You can choose to carry this anger and resentment. You can choose to release this anger and resentment.

You decide what type of emotional environment you want to live in for the rest of your life.
Pep

Your mom is just as much to blame. I can see where you would be more loyal to her, but that doesn't make her any less guilty.

If she really wanted you to have a father and a wholesome family experience she wouldn't have chosen a MM for your dad.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Gofigure:
<strong> Hello Dandy,

It seems that u r bent on staying angry at your Dad...and not willing to place any of the blame on your Mom (because its easier to blame Dad )...u really are not being fair...but that is your choice. </strong>

It's just my personal observation, but it seems like it's the same way with the BWs here...That a lot of the blame is placed on the OW and the husband is forgiven after the initial anger/sadness has passed. It's easier to blame the OW because the husband has shown his remorse and asked for forgiveness and has a daily contact with the wife in order to make things right. This man was shown constant love and affection from his mom but completely ignored by his father. It just seems like there are some that want to make it completely his mom's fault when she has I guess shown her remorse and did the right thing by him.

<strong> Really, u should stop looking for someone to blame entirely....what is done is done, we can not change what has already happened, but we can do our best to make our futures brighter. I don't know if you have kids or not, but alot of lessons are learned by what we teach and show people. Perhaps you can show your Dad how U FEEL things are suppose to be....expressions of love, etc...since u feel he has not fulfilled his duties as a father....nobody is perfect, we all make mistakes. I am not taking anyone's side on this. Everyone gets hurt. Point blank. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Again, it seems like you want him to be angry with his mom, because she was an OW. That doesn't seem fair...if you are able to forgive the wayward husband because he has made it up to you, but still hold resentment for the OW, why would you try to get him to be upset with his mother when she has done nothing but love him, and his father was the one that made the choice to have No Contact with him after his wife caught him having contact with him in the first place? It just seems like his father initially wanted contact but his wife gave him the ultimatum of Contact=Divorce or No Contact=Stay married.

Although my fiance and I have discussed what would happen if we were ever put in this situation, I know there is always the possibility it could happen. Could I say I wouldn't blame the OW at all ? HECK NO!! Of course I would blame her too! But to try to make this man blame his mom is kinda whack in my opinion.

Wow Findingmywayback,

[QUOTE]Your mom is just as much to blame. I can see where you would be more loyal to her, but that doesn't make her any less guilty.

If she really wanted you to have a father and a wholesome family experience she wouldn't have chosen a MM for your dad.



U really hit the nail on the head. I was trying to be cordial with my words, but there is nothing wrong with "keepin it real".

The reason I know about his choice is that he sent me a letter around the time I graduated high school.

Your father tried to form a relationship with you when you were in your late teens. You chose not to accept, and you have lived with the consequences of that choice. An offer was made, and refused.

Some years before, when I was around 8, he divorced his wife when his last child with her turned 18. In his letter he wrote that he didn't leave her before because he didn't want to pay support on all those children, so he stayed until they were adults. (That is just one of the many reasons I have no respect for him.)

This says (although you perhaps meant it another way) that you do not respect a man who stuck it out in an unhappy marriage to raise his 3 kids to adulthood. Forget the child support issue. He stayed to raise his kids, and for this you resent him. Think about that.


Anyway, when he divorced, he asked to see me. As I said, I was around 8. I'll be honest, I hated him by then. My mother never said bad things about him. She never said anything about him really, but I hated him anyway. She told him when he came to see me that it was up to me whether I wanted a relationship with him, and I didn't.

And you have the consequences of your decision.

You also have a choice now. You could reach out to him. And you can not reach out to him.

You are making adult choices now. If a relationship with your dad is something you'd like to try, then why not? If it is not something you'd like to try, then let it go.

He offered. You did not accept. He dropped the issue. You resent him.

Some of this could be repaired if you made the choice to make the effort.

Pep

<small>[ October 07, 2004, 04:43 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Wow Findingmywayback,

[QUOTE]Your mom is just as much to blame. I can see where you would be more loyal to her, but that doesn't make her any less guilty.

If she really wanted you to have a father and a wholesome family experience she wouldn't have chosen a MM for your dad.



U really hit the nail on the head. I was trying to be cordial with my words, but there is nothing wrong with "keepin it real".

Hello CaseyNC,

Thanks for your comments.

I have to tell u that by no means am I trying to make him (Dandy)blame his Mom, more than his Dad, that is absurd....they are both responsible for this whole episode.

Yes, we as BW's may harp on what the OW has done, and blah, blah, blah, ( because this is where we come to vent) but don't for one second think that that loving H of ours has not gotten his share of trauma from us BW's. We let them have it because we are married to them. We took vows to them, not to OW. So just so that you know, in my eyes the H is just as guilty, but we can't stay dragging on about his shoulda, woulda, coulda's if we want to have a family...we have choices, and decisions to make too, but we all have to move on. Everyone makes mistakes, everyone. Nobody is perfect.
The bottom line is that he (Dandy) needs to get past his pain & hurt just like everyone involved, and try to forgive...., everyone is hurting (BW/H/OW/OC/BC's), everyone is in pain, and everyone is searching for some kind of healing, and trying to make the best of this ugly situation. I told him that both parents are to blame, not one more than the other, no matter how much he feels he is loved more by one than the other, because they were both willing participates in creating this situation in the first place.

Please CaseyNC, don't get it twisted. Thanks for your opinions, and I hope I clarified some things for you.

Take care.

I don't see where you are getting the impression we are all saying BLAME THE MOM. Even the post you quoted from gofigure never stated blame the mom. We all have said they share equal blame in this, and he (JF&D) seems to be the one wanting to blame one person, his dad.

You are twisting words, and it's not going to work here. Sorry.

Hello FineandDandy,

Your story is very touching. I have never read from the perspective of the OC before. I worry that my sister will grow up having serious issues with men because she was "abandoned" by our father even though that wasn't the case in our situation. The only way contact would have been possible is if he stayed in court.

You have an absolute right to be angry with your father and his choices. I stayed angry at mine for ages. BC/OC/BW/BH are the ones that get **** on and have to deal with the fall out and live with the consequences.

For the others I don't see where JustFine is placing any of the blame on BW but solely on his father. I don't think its very realistic to expect him to hold his mother responsible. In his eyes she raised him and loved him and was there for him, which his father never did. Of course he is not going to blame his mom for any of this.

JustFine,
You were dealt a crappy hand. I made the decision a long time ago that I would do everything possible to be a better man than my father. Forgiving him will make your life a lot easier because you will not be carrying that anger around but it took me ages to realize that. I only forgave him because it was in MY best interest. I did it for me NOT for him.

I hope you find some peace in your life. You seemed to turn out real good and that gives me some comfort where my sister is concerned.

Cody

Fine, thanks for sharing your story. It proves this is a life time event No matter which way it is done c or n/c. What bad choices people make for what ever the reason effects more than just them, and you prove it. But what we do it improve our lives after the bad choices matter the most. What if Christ picked and chosed the ones he wanted to forgive and save? Where would any of us be? (((Hugs to you)))) And I hope you make your life all it can be and not let the past hold you back! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D