Oh it took a while! My first instinct was the very next day to be sitting in a laywers office, arms loaded with tax returns and bank statments and the like. I was sooooo going to divorce. I packed his stuff, basically did everything to get him out and the divorce in process. HE is the one who had to fight for this marriage, and he did. The verbal assaults I threw at him were vicious and meant to hurt. I fought him on basically everything. When he would put up the slightest fuss (color of the bathroom while painting for instance), I would tell him if he didn't like it, hit the bricks. I was so ready to divorce and he knew it. But he stayed and put up with all of it. Then I went into a sorta denial mode. I don't recall how long lasted, but for a while, all seemed fine and we were going to make it. It all came back. We hadn't processed it at all and this time not only was I mad, angry, hurt, etc., but I was not in such a state of shock. Out of the blue my husband was served with divorce papers, again. He was stunned. He came home, totally defeated. I was a lunatic, throwing all of his clothes, and his stuff at him in the foyer. Screaming at him that I would not live with a cheater who has a child with another... He put up with all of it.

I can't tell you how long it was, but with help from dear dear women who had gone through it, and couples who told us that contact would make it worse, and their examples of why, we made it. It didn't happen over night. It was a slow process.

We have never regretted our decision for no contact as it allowed us to raise our children in peace and not have to deal with ow/oc and the drama attached with them.

So we moved forward and lived life.

Each couple is different, the effects are different, etc. There is probably no set time table of when you have to do anything. I can however, tell you that you need to make a choice and work towards that. You can't spend your life in a funk over this. You CAN however, spend a few hours a week, with him and the dicussion will be about this. Write down questions, feelings, fear, hopes, and discuss them in that time frame. But don't do it everyday, 24/7 that is poinless and a waste of a good day!

Cryin

You have soo much pain, I understand myself as well. My H has oc but have decided on contact. H feels the need to try to be a father the best he can to this oc. My heart breaks because i have 2 step sons and 1 of my own sons so he has 3 boys and this OC was a girl. HIS FIRST DAUGHTER. IT should have been mine, that what I keep saying to myself. that has hurt me soo much, i say what if I cant have a girl, what if, what if that os the only girl he has. I pray everyday taht GOD will BLESS me with a little girl of my own.

Lonely,

IT should have been mine, that what I keep saying to myself. that has hurt me soo much, i say what if I cant have a I couldn't agree more. It really hurts to know that I don't have his son that she has the only one. The most hurtful part is that just prior to his affair we discussed wanting to have another baby with the hope that it would be a boy. I don't think I'll ever have that opportunity now....