WH and I had long "conversation" this morning about problems. A little background. OC was born 09/08/04. He has seen OC just a few times and I haven't seen him at all. I'm doing my darndest to make a difficult situation not so difficult by not putting too much pressure etc. But you know there has to be a time when you discuss these things and how you can get on with your life??? - - right. All goes well as long as we don't discuss important things. So here goes.

This morning, I say shouldn't we be getting a room ready for the OC, ie buying a crib etc. Well that led to all sorts of things. OW doesn't want me to be involved at all with the OC. WH mentioned to her that he would take care of OC while she was at work. That was all fine and dandy until she asked him where he would be doing that and of course his answer is at our house. Absolutely no way she says. Again, I guess I'm the horrible BS and not capaable of being a caring mother even thought I've raise three children - two of which were step children. So the "conversation" goes from bad to worse.

WH wants to see OC, but he thinks I think it should be ok that he see him in her "trailer" - the same one they screwed in. Now he did say that he didn't think this was a long term solution and that it wasn't right that he go down there and spend much time. So I said, what about at a third party location. His comment was "you won't like that either". I'm not going to lie, I don't. You're all saying, it needs to go through the court system - yep it does and deep down he knows this, but he doesn't want to make her mad.

Somewhere in his small mind he's thinking that she'll just come around and all will be fine. To make long story short, we got into the issue of me trusting him and him not being able to "come and go" as he please etc. There's a darned good reason I don't trust him, but he doesn't see that. He thinks I should just trust him and not try to "control" him. He can make his own decisions and take care of things. Doesn't seem to get the fact that we have to make visitation etc decision together as a unit.

Then he throws at me that I can't except the OC and it'll be a continued mess for 18 years. How hurtful is that. He full well knows me and how I anaylze things until there's no more to analyze and that I would be doing this unless it felt ok in my heart. So then comes the you can't handle things so we need to get a divorce. Like that's going to relieve his stress and he can deal with the OC on his own terms and she won't then make it hard for him because I'm then not around.

He's suffering from major anxiety/BP and even went to DR. today to have BP checked. I'm trying so hard to be supportive and be his soft pillow to fall on, but how much more do I take.

We still haven't dealt with some of our extended family and adult children yet. Does he really think that getting a D is going to make things all better. Now mind you, he doesn't say anything about being with OW. That I know will never work and if it's "tried" it will be very short lived.

I guess what I'm asking is what do I do and how can you work some MB principals like POJA and radical honest etc when you're the only one doing it?

Also, I mention this message board and he has fits, calling me stupid and those people don't know what they're talking about - the who gammit.

So, help what do I do now?

Sorry if there's misepellings and grammar errors, don't have energy to reread and correct..

I guess what I'm asking is what do I do and how can you work some MB principals like POJA and radical honest etc when you're the only one doing it?

What are your firm boundaries?

Make a list...

"I am certain ........" State what you are CERTAIN you cannot tolerate.

If visitation in the sex trailer (ugh) makes you want to puke....

You tell him ---> "This is not a solution I can agree to. If you insist on visiting OC in OW's trailer where you and she betrayed our marriage , I will not be able to tolerate the pain and disrespect this shows me and our marriage. I suggest we sit down as a married couple and come up with something we can both feel good about. Are you up for that?"

Also, I mention this message board and he has fits, calling me stupid and those people don't know what they're talking about - the who gammit.

You say something like ---> "I need a support system. I am dealing with a crisis in my life. I need guidance from people who have lived through their own similar crisis. Please do not call those who support me 'stupid'. I need help. I am seeking help."

Get ready for Plan B..... Have you written a Plan B letter?

Pep

You are to bring YOUR reasonable limits to the POJA table ....

The first step is to really take a personal inventory.... really become familiar with yourself.... your strengths and weaknesses.... and you are.... YOU ARE.... responsible for NOT agreeing to some solution that will increase your pain and hurt and further damage your marriage.

If you 'give away' your protective boundaries you have constructed a paradigm where you will live in a state of resentment... and that is not good for your health.

I get the feeling your husband is not too great a communicator....

Pep

Honey, I am so sorry for this crud you are dealing with! I bet you have a HUGE HOLE in your home somewhere from where you have beaten your head against it repeatedly, right? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Does you H have any idea how many woman would have hit that door by now? How many women have not the strength, desire or the courage to face the most painful thing a woman can (Dealing with not just A BUT OC in their lives!!) Does he realize that his WIFE is talking about buying a crib and making a place for the baby he created with ANOTHER WOMAN? EEEEEERRGGG how can human beings be so foggy, so irrational, so SELFISH towards someone as special as you obviously are.

Please bring to the bargaining table with you-- A SLEDGE hammer and knock him back into reality.
How can any woman want her H to go have nicey-nice visits with the WOMAN and at the TRAILOR that they did what they did. Does he have any idea of what HE would feel if you, his wife were pregnant and then proceeded to visit her xOM at his home with yours and his baby? Ask him that.

Do you have any reason whatsoever to believe he is still secretly having some form of emotinal or physical relationship with her? He is fitting the script a bit on that one from what you say. If he had nothing to hide, guess what- he would NOT care if you eased your poor mixed up pretty head by checking up. He would love nothing more than to PROVE he was honest now.

I don't LIKE delivering such crappy thoughts into your head, at all. I just feel like you have to be real at all times about this. I feel as a newly betrayed spouse, you owe it to yourself to agressively seek your own happiness IN or OUT of this marriage. Your H is NOT giving you anything to be happy about or to feel at peace with.

As Pep says, maybe it is time to either put plan B into place- or begin to think about it. POJA is for two people who are ON THIS PLANET, and frankly your H still is on Mars.

Please, please realize you ARE a wonderful woman for having the heart and courage you have shown. You do not deserve to be called stupid for needing understanding and support -does he realize that some people actually kill or commit suicide from this type of pain? You are not getting support from him.

I know your pain and I know that you need to protect yourself from futher pain however that is- it will only get worse if you do not. Keep us posted. We DO care, very very much.

<small>[ October 13, 2004, 10:45 AM: Message edited by: giovanna123 ]</small>

Thank you for your support and words of encouragement to help me know that I'm not the crazy.

Here's the latest. She has now accused me of calling CPS on here and claims they visited her last week. The nature of the complain was that she was leaving the baby with her 11 year old and going out to the bar and picking up men. She has also tried to stir trouble that I called her at her work place and her supervisor and they recorded the phone calls etc. Of course when I tell my WH that I will be more than happy to go have my voice analyzed and compared with the recording it goes no further. One sick OW.

My WH is in complete denial about the whole situation and doens't see that she is doing this to cause trouble between us. DUH - WAKE UP OUT OF THE FOG. Maybe he never will.

I went to town today (this afternoon) and there he is parked at her trailer house. The door to the trailer was wide open. I pulled in and honked the horn and he came out and spoke with me and we then left right away. Then he asks me what I'm doing in town like it's my fault I saw him there. Can you believe it? I thought I set a "firm boundary" about not going to her house and low and behold he breaks it EVERY time. God I wish it would just end.

He STILL says he has no choice about visitation etc. I tell him she's holding the OC hostage by not letting you see him unless I'm not around. Go to court and get it set. He won't do it.

I know I need to go to Plan B and boot his butt out the door, but I can't make myself do it. I did make an appointment at attorney for next week. I pray that I have the strength to go through with it.

Grasping at straws and not making much sense. Boy do I need a 2 X 4 over the head or what???????

SWEETY. I think this a** is still having an affair with her. PLEASE find out - do whatever it takes.

This is NOT living- do you hear me !

BEEN there and looking back I WAS where you were. You have to be really firm with yourself and H and go to plan B...

And IF you don't you're getting the 2X4 girl! LOL !

Just kidding- we all have done our share of still loving the heck out of this sh*tface that USED to be our Husbands!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Its the middle of the night for me...

Please excuse me...

I am exhausted..but I had to post to you....

The BIG question is... "How are you going to deal with this for the next 18+++ years??"

Seriously. Can you live like this for the next 18 years??

Then you have to get serious with him...

You see this is how they manipulate you...twist it..make you look like your NUTS. And this situation..like it is..IS going to drive you insane. Woman..you need some PEACE from this.

You are going to have to be the grown up..in this situation.

Get a peice of paper... and make your boundries...

If your H doesn't stand up..and stand by your side... then you got some big..adult decisions to make. You are going to have to tell your H its time to grow up buddy... you are either in this marriage or not! (It just amazes me..that some of these guys are more worried pissing off the OW..than their own wives!)

Talk to your local legal department... no matter what..

ONLY you can make difference... Its YOUR life on the line! You know....DEEP in your soul what you have to do at this point...

Girl... DRAW that line in the SAND!

wiz

Thanks Wiz, Pepper & Gio

Yes, I know deep down in my what I have to do. It's just that you keep grasping at straws no matter how little they are and hoping that he's going to "see the light". I know I need to boot his behind out of our house so he doesn't have the comfort of coming home to dinner, made bed, clean clothes, clean house, seeing his beloved dog, me (although I wonder), sitting his butt on the couch and watching TV, carrying on a conversation with me about his day, dishes done and and and. I do think then he would see the reality. However, I'm "scared" to take this step because of what his actions might be when he's out on his behind. He has an alcohol problem and he goes off of the deep end and I do know that he will do that.

We're in a small, small town and unfortunately I will find out about his escapades (which may include going over to OW trailer) in his drunken stupor. That's what happened and resulted in OC. He loses all sense of self - morally, ethically etc in that mode. He's not even him. I don't know then that I could ever forgive him and would be forced into the BIG D.

I just keep praying to god that he guides me in the right direction. Your words of wisdom help - please keep it coming.

I still have an appointment with an attorney next Thursday and am at least going to go and check out what my options are.

Thanks so much.

Hi Inanutshell,

I am so sorry for what you are going through. You got very good advise so there is nothing else I can add. I just hate a woman as smart as you are going through this pain.