My H has 2 oc by 2 diff women, one 7, the other 3. I left him 3 weeks ago and I am filing for divorce ASAP, based on the sheer hell that my life has been for the past 14 years. My kids, 13, 11, and 8, are emotional wrecks, and I am completely overwhelmed by the situation. As if I didn't have enough problems, I just found out last night that he has been xk%$#@ing another woman from his previous job. She said that he told her he was divorced! Well, at least that won't be a lie for long! Anyway, my issue today is whether to tell my kids about the oc's....as far as I know, my H has had no contact with the one who lives here in town, but the cs comes out of his check for her. The mother left him when she found out he was married, but had the baby anyway for whatever reason, but she has never tried to contact me or give me grief about the situation.

However, the other oc has a psycho for a mother. She harrassed me by phone at my job and she used to call my parent's constantly (I have never met her and she lives 3,000 miles away from my parents). She was in lust with my husband and had the audacity to tell me that she knew he was married with 3 kids, but "what do you do when you love somebody?" She has managed to find out our new unlisted phone number (well, at one point, she was writing my H at his job before he lost that one, too). I know how unstable she is and now that my H has his own place, it's just a matter of time before they are in contact with each other. She got our info from the court papers (her cs also comes out of his paycheck--what's left of it). I don't want my kids to find out the hard way about the oc, because this crazy ***** would definitely tell them. At one point she called up screaming at me that our children were going to be siblings and she wanted them to meet. My H doesn't want his father of the year image to be shattered with the kids (he blames the breakup on me, telling the kids that he still loves me but I don't want him). A loud voice is telling me to let my oldest child know the truth, but I know my youngest is too young to know. My son, who will be 12 next month, is so emotionally distraught over the situation that I'm afraid this could put him over the edge. I thought about getting a restraining order to keep her from them, but let's be realistic--if she tells them, a piece of paper won't untell it.

Please advise--this is the only place where I can talk to people who know EXACTLY what I'm going through. I know that telling my kids about the oc's won't benefit them in the least, but I just don't want them to be traumatized by finding out from a crazy stranger.

Thanks for listening.

survivor,
I'm sorry for you pain and your kids' pain.

Can you afford counseling? Is it covered by insurance or anything?

Divorce seems to me like a good time to "come clean" with the kids, but if your oldest is emotionally unstable, I would get a professional opinion first. I say this b/c I have a friend who left an abusive H last year and her oldest child kinda came unglued; was psychologically hospitalized twice. I certainly hope your siuation is not that bad.

Re: the OC who lives in town, I agree it's better to find our from parent(s). My cousins were approached in high school by an OC/half-sister they had not known!

I understand your H's concern, but telling does not *have* to mean your kids hate him (although, with D pending, they might). It's possible to explain that, while a parent's behavior is wrong (and serial adultery is def. wrong!), parents are not perfect and still can and do love their kids, and kids can still love imperfect H, just like parents love kids when kids do something wrong.


That way it doesn't look like you're trying to turn the kids against H. Yet it provides some SANE basis for the Div. It teaches your kids that, while you were willing to reconcile if H tried (forgiveness), there are limits to what you can accept (consequences). That's setting a good example: forgive, but don't be a doormat.

I think what you're trying to do is healthy. Best wishes!
J, 6y recovery and visitation begun this yr.

Strong.......

I am so sorry.. I dont have much time and just saw your post.

My 3 kids are the EXACT same age of when my H's A was and boy my kids were distraught too. Its always about the OC with the OW- they JUST do not realize that just cause dad is "home" with them, that they are really insecure, sad and act out.

I refused to allow any of my kids to know of this f'ed up situation so not to hurt them anymore at a tender age/and tender TIME in their lives. Your kids do not need this now. They need some security and love around them - even without H- you can give them that. THey need to get over this. You NEED to let this PSYCHO OW KNOW that you WILL not play this game- leave your poor kids out of this. HOW CAN these insane women do this to YOU of all people????? Be frank with her about leaving your kids alone. Ugh......

You must be really worried, I know honey-- but IF YOU CAN find a way to settle this nut down - I would not adivse telling them for any other reason now.

I hope someone else comes along- I can post to you later and will, okay?

Big huge hug to you ...

Hello,

Sorry for your pain. Sorry u are here for this occasion.

Since your H took it upon his self to tell the kids that the breakup is your fault, I think u have some explaining to do to them....really I should say just the 13 year old. (He will probably spill the beans to the other siblings, but hey that is what brothers & sisters do.)Explain to the 13 year old that both u and your H love all of them, but there are just some things in a marriage that u can not, and will not put up with. ( We don't give our children enough credit sometimes, they probably know more than u think...they hear the arguments, and see u dealing with this trauma day in and day out, so don't underestimate their awareness to the situation.) My H took it upon his self to tell my 13 yr old everything after we had a big argument ( which she heard & witnessed ), I could tell she was disappointed in her Dad, but it did not take away any of the love she has for him. I think u should be honest with your feelings with them, not bashing your H completely, but just letting them know where u stand, since u r in the process of a divorce.

As far as that sick ****** OW #2 is concerned, u need to rectify that situation as quickly as possible. No one messes with my children, that is where I draw the line. U need to let her know that if she even thinks about approaching them or saying anything to them, she will regret it. U also need to tell your H about her threats, and let him know that if she steps to u or your kids, he will regret it and she (OW) will definitely regret it.

Take care, Just my 2 cents. Stay praying.

The kids are going to need therapy... get that arranged. The therapist will advise you when the time is right for each child to hear "the whole story".

Don't lie if you get asked a direct question.

**GET A 1% ATTORNEY**

~LOL~ (see my joke sig line)~~~~

Pep

Thank you all so much for your posts! I just got home from taking my two youngest to see a counselor (my oldest refused to go). It was rough...my H was there, feeling very SORRY for himself, but saying all of the right things to the counselor, like how he has had multiple affairs that have resulted in 2 outside kids, and is currently having an affair. He told the counselor that he is often suicidal, so of course, she started to focus on him. When he got up to go to the bathroom, I told her that he won't be killing himself quickly, but slowly with alcohol, sex, and food. I talked to her about the possibility of telling the kids about the oc's, but she said that my H and I would have to make that decision on our own. I don't want them to be hurt anymore, especially with all of the changes in the last couple of weeks, so I am going to pray about it and wait for an answer. I read on this site that it is best to wait until the children are teens before telling them, so I won't have to wait long (my oldest is almost 14).

Unfortunately, my youngest, an 8-year-old girl, was the most upset at the session. She adores her dad, and when she got upset and I motioned for her to come to me, she wouldn't. Instead, she went to him. You know my heart sank, but if that's what she needs right now, then I will live with it. I am going to get her into more sessions, because I think she is affected by all of this the most. My oldest seems fine now, just hanging out with all of her friends (who are good influences and good kids). My son said that he is not as sad as he was at first, which is good news. I'm still feeling overwhelmed right now, because I went to the counseling session AND I talked to the current mistress on the phone today. I am so happy to be out of this marriage, but I still have a long road ahead.

Thank you all again for your words of experience...I agree that the psycho ow needs to be checked (again), but I am not in contact with her, and I haven't talked to her since last year when she got our unlisted number off the cs paperwork and called me and pretended to be a new mistress (I bet she didn't know there would be another one soon after). She is certifiable, and I don't plan on dealing with her unless I have to. I don't want to end up in prison because she %$#*@ed with my kids, but I also don't want to call her just to tell her not to talk to my kids. WHEW!!!!It is rough being one of the special people--those strong enough to deal with drama like this. Take care everybody.

YIKES. I would not let him turn those kids against you at this time. With all the turmoil and anger they are living with, they need to understand what the heck is going on. You need to explain, plainly and gently something like "Dad and mom have had some hard times due to some poor decisions your dad has made, while I tried as hard as I could to live with his mistakes, I just can't go on like this anymore, we will all be happier if mom and dad separate and live in calm. We both love each of you with all of our hearts and that will never change. But for right now, we all need some peace in our lives"

I agree, especially with the 13 year old, that they probably know way more then you realize. What they also know, is that they don't have the whole truth. So tell them. The truth is always easier to deal with, no matter how painfull it is, then uncertainty.

As for the psycho ow, start keeping logs and talk to your attorney about all of this. And don't be afraid to charge her with harrassment either. Should have done that after the first call to your parents. We had an ow who thought she would would try to play the grandparents too. Today, there is a lein against her house for our attorney fees! She learned the hardway, that the law looks out for the betrayed spouse and the mm family too.

Don't let your husband play that "poor me" game and tell the kids that YOU are the one at fault here. You are not. Maybe they resent that you are not standing up for yourself and that scares them. So be gentle, but be honest. If they ask questions, tell them the truth. They need to know they can count on you to be strong, in control and consise. If not they will be scared for the future and nervous about how they will live and who to trust and believe in. Let them know they can count on you. That you can be trusted. That you will take care of them. That you are strong and in control. That you tried and it didn't work. But don't let them see two parents screwed up, cause you are not. They need to see you be standing tall, with dignity, confidence, honesty and love for them so they can go back to being kids. They may be children of divorce, but they can be children of a strong self assured confident woman too. They will heal faster if they feel safe.

Dear Lynn,

Thank you so much for your post! Yesterday was a rough one for me, but I made it through with the help of my friends. You are absolutely right about the psycho ow, but she has not been a factor in over a year. Now I am dealing with the pain of finding out about the current ow. Then my H called me last night ranting about killing himself because he cannot handle the pain of how his life has turned out. I told him to call the hotline and talk to somebody else about how he was feeling, because it is no longer my problem. He cursed me out and screamed that I would believe it when I read it in the papers, and then hung up on me. Of course, he didn't do it, and called me at 8am this morning acting as if nothing had ever happened. He had the audacity to tell me how depressed he is and what a hard time he's having! He is so far gone that I doubt he'll make it back to reality. Anyway, I feel much better today, and I feel stronger, too. It's weird, but I knew that he would never stop messing around, but I never had the strength to stay away from him before. This time feels so different, because I'm looking at him objectively and without my rose-colored glasses. I know he can't believe that my enabling days are over, but they are. I just wish that my mother could be more emotionally supportive of me during this time, but she is where I would have been 54 years into my horrible marriage and just doesn't get it. She actually told me today that my H can't keep putting the blame on me for his affairs, and that my children won't have the stigma of coming from a broken home like it used to be in her day. She doesn't encourage me to be strong, and I don't know if she is jealous because I found the strength to leave my unhappy, abusive marriage and she never has. When she told me that she has been dealing with my dad for 54 years, I asked why, but she just kept on talking, telling me about other relatives and how they are in these unhappy marriages to alcoholics, but they just live separate lives. I can't--I would rather be alone than have my life partner be a living nightmare.

Well, I've gone on long enough. My kids know that I am strong, because I've always been strong. I was only weak when it came to my H, and now that is over. I know that I am setting a great example for my daughters that you don't have to take anyone's s$%t, no matter how long you have been together,or how may children you have. I just hope that my H tries to be a good father to them.


Again, thank you everyone for your support! I will take it wherever I can get it!

STRONG SURVIVOR

You are a Survivor! Your children will witness a woman that is self-assured and confident. As long as the children can see this..they will feel more secure.

I have dealt with a nutty OW for a lot years. The saving grace for me..was that I always kept my level head about it. In situation like this you have to be smart...

The OW in my case..did approach my children at school and spilled the beans... the wonderful principal at my children school; a wonderful lady. She was able to legally ban the OW stepping on the premises again. When the judge heard what she did... he granted a perminent restraining order... against the OW. My H told me the judge reemed her out...right front of her family.

It maybe something you will be able to stipulate in the divorce decree... that your H can not bring the OW around your children; due to mental and emotionally strain?? Something to check into.

You sound like your on your way to recovery..congratulations. Its nice to see someone that will stand up and do whats right by their children. Your children will grow up and look back... They will be so proud of you.

wiz

wow DEJAVUE your psycho sounds like my psycho xow.

I have 3 kids and the same line about its was too late I already loved him. LOL after one date and giving him a bj. cool she was obviously easy.

I have restraining orders and warrants out for my xow and she moved 3000 miles away to flee the police still harrased us. Can we say GET OVER IT ALREADY your fantasy was crushed, move on. LOL i like saying that to ow, thats fun.

Well I am in a very similar situation. Only one OC with no contact at all on my husbands part.

I am legally seperating from him.
if you want to pm anytime I can help with the restraining orders.

Our psycho tried to "end up" in the same places as our children to make them like her so it would make it easier for H to move in with her and leave me. That was my H excuse I guess, as to why she cant be a part of his life.
Oh my god I wanted to pound the ***** right after I got through battering my husband. Lucky for her I didnt know where she was. He said he knew I would go to jail if he told me so he didnt. Hope he likes the scars for the rest of his life.
I dont advice this bad behavior, but when you find things out like that sometimes you snap like I did.
So let your hubby know thats a possiblility- so to handle his business. He promised to keep your children safe forever, since his actions are what endangered thier mental health he better find a solution quick.
Ok offer is open to pm me if you need to.