Hi,

I don't post much so I will give a brief background. My H had an A with a former g/f in 2/04, dday 3/2/04 and then 3 weeks later started back up again (without my knowledge)2nd d-day was 6/29/04. Found out that 2nd time around they had unprotected sex so we both were tested for STD's. Two weeks later OW calls H to say she is pg. Since H has not seen her since the 2nd dday we were not sure she was really pg. Yesterday H got a card in the mail, it was "It's a boy!" announcement card with 3 ultrasound pics inside. On the one hand at least we really know now, but I am so sick to my stomach. My H is torn to bits, he did not want to be a father again (we have 3) and he does not want a R with her anymore. We are doing fairly well in recovery process. We have a great C and much has changed but I am so afraid of the turmoil this is going to bring. I have days that I can see myself loving on this innocent child if given the chance (OW hates me) and other days that I just can't see how we can pursure C knowing our marriage is still healing.

Thanks for listening. Sorry this is so long.

K

me BS 43
FWH 40
DS 21
DD 11
DS2 6
M 13 years together 15
DDay 1 3/2/04
DDay 2 6/29/04
slowly going through recovery

<small>[ October 14, 2004, 02:46 PM: Message edited by: killnme ]</small>

Before you even consider contact make sure the baby is actually his. A DNA test needs to be done. Don't take the word of the OW. It's worthless.

killn,
I'm so sorry for your pain. It's too soon to worry about contact. Focus on your marriage and family to all extent possible.

Cody is right--get DNA (after birth or during amnio if she has one) before doing anything else.

After the results, you and H can form a policy of joint agreement re: contact. There's no hurry. But protect yourself financially. See what the child-support laws are for your state. See if you should tranfer some assets or other pro-active stuff.

Ultimately, you can force contact through the courts, but IF xOW is going to be ugly/nasty/etc. about contact, contact will be very hard on your marriage and the child. I think visitaion works best when everyone is trying... sort of like marriage.

Still, contact is a very personal issue; not one solution for everyone.

Best wishes on *RECOVERY*!!!
J
6y recovery; visitation begun this year

Hi Cody and Jenny,

Thank you both for your replies. You are right, I forgot about the DNA part. Still small hope the baby is not my H's. Jenny, I guess you are right that I am pretty much putting the cart before the horse. We need to get our marriage strong first before we consider contact. I noticed in your sig line that you are just beginning contact. Was that a choice or was the OW uncooperative. My OW has said really nasty things about me to my H that I read and she wrote me a letter about "the truth of their R" as an attempt to get me to D him. She even told him in letter that she thought I was stupid and weak for not D'ing him after I read her letter. Anyway, my main concern is for OC if he belongs to my H. I will however make sure we get DNA first and a POJA about contact 2nd. Thanks very much for helping screw my head on straight.

K

me,
such painful stuff, and yours is made worse by vindictive xow. Maybe some days you and H can LAUGH at her sad desperation and know you are UNITED against her ploys to break you up! You are NOT stupid or weak. You have the strength to do what's right despite evil's attempts against you!! Celebrate recovering your marriage!!

Re: visitation, we were long distance for 6 years. Those years were HUGE blessing. We got counseling; we reset boundaries; we healed. We had mail contact re:OC for 4 of those years. We're military and got sent back to her area. Xow (who was a "friend" of mine) is jeckel and hyde... most of the time cooperative, with sudden periods of very nasty (esp. towards me). We only have OC 2-3 days/mo. and she's a nice kid, so that part hasn't been too bad.

You're still very early is this ordeal, me. Are you guys in counseling? Do you have any recovery books? Do you have kids? These are the important things: your family, day by day.

Keep in touch. This board gets xow "trolls" but you'll get good responses too. Hopefully more than this time. Trolls distract.

Hugs,
J

Hi Jenny,

Yes, we are in MC. We have been since our first DDay. We have three children. My oldest is , DS, is mine from another relationship that my H has raised since he was 8. We had a DD almost 12 and DS 6 together. Although the counseling is going well, we are currently in a down cycle in our M. My H is just not good at opening himself up and our recovery requires him to work at it in both C and his bible studies with our minister. He is going to a men's retreat this weekend and wants to think and pray about what is next. It is possible this is all too much for him and we won't make it. I know my need for affection and communication (after not having any for over 3 years)is also driving him away from me. How do I get close the flood gates after they have been opened? Anyway, thanks for listening.

K