The OW did not take the news too well that I was not going to get involved with OC until she was older. She did not make threats or anything but she was mad.

My dad told me that the OW has contacted his lawyer and wants to talk about an increase in CS. The timing sure is interesting.

The good news is according to dads lawyer she cannot get an increase because he already pays the max allowed by state guidelines. I guess that is why she did not file for it.

She asked him to pay for private school as well. She told him that OC should have the same advantages I had growing up.

I agree that OC should be able to go to a private school and have dance lessons. I told dad that too. He said he would have to discuss it with my mom and that he would consider it. I know he told his lawyer to tell OW "no" to all her requests but I want my sister to have a good start in life.

I don't think its in her best interest that I am in her life now but I will try and help her from behind the scenes. I also know I had no business telling my dad that he should pay for this but it will benefit OC and he can afford it. They won't even miss the money. It can be arranged where he pays the school directly. The OW won't get a penny of it.

I hope dad does this for OC. Well that's my update.

Good for you Cody:

You've made your decision concerning contact, and we have to respect that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />
Fortunately your Not saying Never.... just Not "right now".

With that said, it is nice that you have at least a partial answer about the OW (yes, she did get understandably upset....but She didn't go "psycho" or anything on You).
So that is at least a piece of the puzzle for You.

It is also very encouraging (as well as refreshing) that you are Still willing to be an advocate for your sister (even if only behind the scenes).

Hopefully, no one will have a problem with all monies going directly to a third part, ( where the OW will have no access) but your Sister will still be able to benefit from it.

Although I realize that this decision is basically in the hands of your Mom.

Your doing your best to find solutions to problems in an imperfect world.
You should be commended. I applaud Your Efforts and Your Attitude.

Thanks for the update! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Yes Cody, I am SO PLEASED to see a man of your age being so mature, loving, kind, caring and loyal to your family, all around, OC included.

I hope the issues that led you to this site, will also have you reading more and more about marriage itself- since you are about to become a H to someone- and A DARN GOOD ONE from what it looks like.

You can be my big brother, anytime, sweetie!!

Oh and by the way <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> on the timing of the needing more money thing... talk about an indication that you DID make the RIGHT decision about having OW in your life in any capacity for now...

Hello CodyG,

I applaud u on your efforts for OC.

I was going to say why doesn't OW use the money she gets for CS to pay for private school, but since u said that your parents would not even miss the money, and they could pay the school directly, then I think that is a great solution.

Talk about timing & the OW....well sometimes emotions run rapid when u don't get what u want...and then u sit back and consider your next move. OW's next move was hit your Dad in the pocket where u think it might hurt...oh well, taking the good with the bad, at least perhaps OC will get a good private school education out of the situation. Did this make sense????LOL.

A kind heart is always so refreshing. Take care & good luck.

<small>[ October 14, 2004, 05:08 PM: Message edited by: Gofigure ]</small>

cody,

i must say that i expected something tohappen if you didn't do the contact thing that she wanted. what is it with these women? why can't they just leave it alone and go on with their lives. i am glad at least that your father will not have to increase his cs, but you taking it upn yourself to work behind the scenes is a bit much i think.

in my opinion it is not your job or duty to worry or assist in oc's upbringing. whether your father decides to or not i just think it is up to him and your mother ( even though they can afford it that doesn't mean that they should want to do it or that she is entitled to it). JMO - please don't get upset i am just throwing this out there - I promise no other motives!

think about it - you thought ow was being sincere with you and when you did not do what she thought you should she retaliated!

Take care of you,

JT

I agree with everything JT said. Your parents are paying child support, the max allowable. Sounds like this ow wanted a sugar daddy, don't play into her hands anymore.

I would think that you could show your mother a bit more respect by leaving this issue out of her life. She has been through enough with this. Let it go.

I don't think the oc is deserving of the exact same benefits as the children of the marriage. Your mother is 50% of that marriage and you can bet she had something to do with the financial success they enjoy today. She certainly does not have to pay child support.

I think you should consider her run for more money, after being told that you would not be pursuing a relationship right now as a big red flag.

It is best that you leave this alone and go enjoy your own life. You are unwittingly being played by the ow, who is using her child to try and extort guilt money out of your father.

Leave this alone. She was money grubbing and using you to do it.

About the whole money issue. If he pays for any extras it will go directly to the school or the dance company. The OW did think originally that she was in for a windfall. She actually thought she would get enough money to quit her job and stay home. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> She offered to settle for some outrageous amount. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> She got less than 1/5th of what she was asking for. She should have consulted the state guidelines before getting pregnant or moved to California. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I agree I had no business asking dad to pay for that but its not like I am asking him to set up a trust fund for her or something. If he can afford to pay for her education why shouldn't he pay it? I don't get that. A good education will get her so far. Why begrudge OC that? The OW will not benefit from this, only OC.

Thanks for your thoughts everyone. I have learned so much here.

Why begrudge OC this? I don't think your fahter is "begruding" any one anything.

He has taken responsibility, he is paying CS @ the maximum allowable by law. It is OW responsibility to spend that CS on OC & her right to choose what to do w/ it. IF OW wants OC to attend ps then she can afford it herself or use the CS.

Just because you had it does not mean that OC is entitled to it. Would that mean if OC got something better than YOU than you deserve it?

Maybe your parents are rich & that is why you say they can 'afford' it, there may be many things in life we can 'afford' it doesn't mean we are entitled to get to GIVE it.

Your parents chose NC so whatever OW does w/ the CS is none of thier business---& whatever they do w/ thier $$$$ is not her or your business as well.

You don't find it the least bit odd that AFTER you decided NC----------OW went straight to her checkbook? Straight to the lawyers to 'inquire' about getting more CS? And then start hassling yoru dad about ps?

I respect you for your level headedness but I still think some things are not clear to you.

Ps is an OPTION not a right, which is also why no judge in America would force your dad to pay for it. He is under NO obligation, whatsoever.

If he does this I think it would be very generous but still under NO obligation.
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<small>[ October 15, 2004, 12:56 PM: Message edited by: ktbunch ]</small>

Of course I find her timing suspicious and I see right through her. It still does not change the fact that private schools are better than public ones. It's a given that anytime the OW asks for something through the lawyer dad will automatically say no. He does not even think about it. I just think he should actually think more about this private school thing and how it can benefit OC. If I had not told him he should pay for it he would not have given it a second thought. He had already told his lawyer to tell the OW no after only 1 short telephone conversation.

I don't see why he should not pay for PS if he can afford it. Yes I do acknowledge it's none of my business how my parents spend THEIR money but I will not let that stop me from stating my opinion especially if it can benefit my sister in such a positive way.

<small>[ October 15, 2004, 11:18 AM: Message edited by: CodyG ]</small>

I also question the motives of dad for telling me about the OW requests. I have never known him to bring up OW. I think the mention of the OW's name depresses him because he is reminded of his past behavior and he is still very ashamed and embarrassed by it as he should be. No that was his way of trying to make the OW look bad in my eyes or his way of saying he was right all along. He does not have to do that because my opinion of her being a cheap little tart has not changed. I am a lot more observant than some will give me credit for. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

What if your dad paid for HALF of the PS tuition and HALF of the dance class? After all, the xOW gave the OC HALF of her own DNA, right? To me, it seems as if the xOW is STILL looking for her windfall of support from your dad, and because you wouldn't have contact RIGHT NOW with the OC, she is trying to punish you and your family, regardless of whether your parents can afford the tuition or not. I can see where putting a % aside for college, but I feel it's greedy for the xOW to EXPECT full tuition paid for PS, when public schools are just as good, if not sometimes BETTER than PS. Many times the kids at the PS end up acting like those who go to public schools are beneath them. I personally have experienced it myself, having gone to public schools all my life. I think for things to be fair, the xOW should have to foot some of the bills for this! You are out of the home now, and were for a while before even the NEED for PS was even thought of. To me, it would be different if you were of a similar age, and going to PS at the same time as the OC, but that's not the case here. If it had been thought of before, then it would have been in the original CS papers.

From the start of when you shared your story, the xOW has seemed very suspicious to me, and in my eyes, with this update, she has proven WHY she wanted you in the OC's life. She now seems more concerned about the money than what the OC needs emotionally. I would continue to tread very carefully with the xOW in ANYTHING! She has shown her true colors, yet again, and as I said before, if it's truly an issue, why not have half paid by your dad and half paid by xOW? Seems perfectly fair, as they are all famous for saying, they are BOTH responsible for the P/OC, then they should BOTH be responsible for things like dance classes and PS. If your dad is already paying the maximum, then from that point on, it should be 50-50.

Just my $0.02, not meant to offend anyone with anything here, just what I see, from the outside looking in.

Tigger

LOL Cody! I agree.......

I don't mind you stating your opinion, even if it differs from mine &/or popular majority.

I'm not AFRAID of differing opinions, contrary to popular belief. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

It all sounds 'fair'......but that doesn't mean I agree is all.

Even tiggers idea of half sounds even more fair.
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btw: when are you getting married?

has your father's actions influenced your ideas/expectations of marriage?

For example, are you thinking FOR SURE you would never do something like that?

And if your W did that to you, do you think you would be able to reconcile w/ her (as your mother did) if she was willing?

jsut wondering.

tigger,

Dad just sent me an e-mail. He told me that he told his lawyer to request the OW's tax returns for the last 3 years and he would go from there!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I think he is thinking on the same lines you are tigger. If the OW will not produce those statements then she would only be hurting OC. I agree that OW should pay her fair share.

I am so past the point of trying to figure out the motives of the OW. I told her there was not any need for contact since I made my decision. Any contact in the future will be when OC is older and it's not necessary to go through the OW.

Thanks everybody! I hope this works out.

P.S. KTBunch about the OW being on welfare and being able to afford PS. I know some offer scholarships and there are voucher programs. Being the fact that she was an OW she could be working as a stripper or an escort if she is living way beyond her means. With those OW's you never know. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I will be getting married next summer. If there is one thing I learned from my dads affair you cannot take each other for granted. My parents devoted themselves completely to me but did not do things really as a couple or spend a lot of time together. My leaving for college really brought issues up in their marriage and I think sent it into a tailspin. Their marriage is so different now. As far as being able to forgive what my dad did if it happened to me that is one of those situations where you don't know what you will do until it actually happens. I hope it never does. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> As for me doing something like that I hope I could never sink so low. After all the hell we went through. I know what boundaries not to cross with the OPP sex. My dad of all people told me that if you will not do it in front of your wife then you should not be doing it at all. That will be one peice of advice of his I will follow. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

codyg wrote:P.S. KTBunch about the OW being on welfare and being able to afford PS. I know some offer scholarships and there are voucher programs. Being the fact that she was an OW she could be working as a stripper or an escort if she is living way beyond her means. With those OW's you never know.

LOL!!!! dude you are crackin' me up! Poor OW did get a partial "financial need scholarship". She still needed to come up w/ teh other 2/3 of the tuition.

Oh no, OW has an HONEST paying PART-TIME job. She was offered a full-time position w/ full benefits but chose not to take it because her '1-class-per-semester-education' was SO important to her! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

@ that rate I think she will be able to get a full-time job in time for OC to start college!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

That's crazy. No wonder the xOW in your case is still on welfare. Did the welfare office have anything to say about her turning down that full time job? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I don't think so--they probably didn't know.

It worked in our favor @ our last CS hearing though! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> H was requesting a 'hardship' deduction for our kids (which is an optional 'credit' given in consideration of 'other children in the home', @ the judges discretion) & the DA was refusing it. H stated that OW ONLY worked part-time & was going to school----OW interuppted & (in her own defense) blurted out, "only ONE class!". SO the judge then asked her if she worked full time or not, how many hours a week?

Then after H pointing out that our OWN kids did NOT have health insurance, judge awarded us a small hardship. Better than nothing. It was after she told OW, "ok, so you only work part-time".

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I'm sure she has her reasons though right? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
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I hope my son grows up w/ the same ideas towards marraige as you. I am afraid for him & for the rest of our kids when they get older.(too little to undersatnd any of it right now except that they miss their sister (oc)) I hope he can understand the complexities of all this.

Another update. No need to tell me I told you so. Dad told the lawyer on Friday to contact OW and have her produce her tax returns for the last 3 years. The lawyer sent the OW a fax and she replied back right away. She wants to see HIS income for the last 3 years now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> What a stupid woman. Does she really think she is entitled to this info? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> Here dad is willing to help with OC expenses that he is under no legal obligation to pay and she makes that stupid request. Dad told the lawyer not to even respond.

Nobody can be this stupid. She is in no position to try and demand anything from dad expecially his financial records. Dad wants OW to contribute as much as possible toward OC's education and dance lessons. Since OW won't do what dad asks, she will have to foot the whole bill herself. I cannot ask anymore of dad.

Sorry that it took that turn. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I guess she figured since he was asking, it was only fair for her to respond in kind. She must have been offended.

Did he have any right to request it from her either?

And yah, since he is already paying the maximum allowed by law......why would she even ask? It wouldn't have any bearing on her case anyway.

Maybe when she gets no response, she will probably call the lawyer again to find out what's up & by then maybe she will cool off & take it from there & in the end.........OC can get the education everyone would prefer.

Hope so @ least.

I suppose she could have been offended. She is under no obligation to provide him with her financial info or vice versa. The lawyer made it clear that he needed this info to determine how much money dad would contribute. She knows dad is not going to take her word about how much money she makes so I don't see why she would make this hard on herself. You would think that she would be thrilled at the prospect of dad paying for any of it especially since legally he is under no obligation to do so.