First of all, this MB has been a lifesaver for me. A friend direct me to MB website on March and I was lurking on the Just Found Out board but there was too much pain and too many similar stories ...
But about two months and a half ago, I came back and 'noticed' this board. I've been reading old posts and just could not believe how many people are going through the same pain and suffering.

Here is my story ...
We were married on June 97 and just recently moved to Upstate NY. (I'm currently 31, he is 35)
Three years later he told me he was having an affair with someone from work, that he had strong feelings for her, all the works. He moved in with her. Just for two weeks.
He came back, we went to marriage counseling. OW became a psycho and a stalker. She hit him on several occasions, she tried to commit suicide. (Not to mention she had four kids from two different men and no CS, the last thing she tried to do was to say she was pregnant. She was not.) He changed jobs, we moved to a different place. He let everyone at his old job think that we moved out of state. Everything was fine. Or so I thought.

Two years later we started trying for a family. But after a year and half, my OB/GYN diagnosed me with PCOS. He put me on treatment. That's when I think his new affair started. I knew he was disappointed because we hadn't been able to have a baby and he started to work long hours, his attitude changed. Everything was just as the first time. I asked him if he was seeing another person. And he told me no, that it was in my mind.
I got pregnant on Jan 2003, after two months of treatment. I couldn't believe it! But at the same time, I didn't feel things were right between us. He left for the weekend to 'clear his mind'. It was horrible. I was sure he was with her and that it was over.
That Sunday, I read about Retrouvaille at the Church Bulletin. When he came back he said that he felt happy because we were going to have a baby, that it was just that he was spending to much time at work and little time with me, but he didn't want to go back to MC. I talked to him about Retrouvaille. He accepted to go. I told him if there was another person involved the program was not going to work. Again he said everything was in my mind. A month later we went to Retrouvaille. Great program. But I felt that he was not emotionally there with me.

But at that time I chose to enjoy my pregnancy, I was depressed but I tried to feel happy for the baby. His attitude change a little bit for the better and he went with me to all the doctors appointments. We did the baby's room together. On the surface everything seemed fine.
My baby girl was born on October 2, 2003 after breaking my water at work and 32 hours of labor and a C-section. He was with me all that time. He fell in love with her. I felt him closer. At that time I thought everything was going to be all right.

But things did not change, he was still working a lot of hours and did not increase the time he was spending with me or the baby. On that Christmas we were going to go home for the families to meet our daughter. I left a week earlier. But before leaving, by mistake (or by God's hand) I opened his cell phone bill. $300!!!! I looked for older bills, $200, $400, $300 ... he sure was not talking to me.

I created an account in the cell phone's website and I was able to see all the calls made to this one number ... all the time at different hours. I felt my world crumbled ...
I did not do anything else, I did not want to ruin my vacations or think about what was going to happen ...

When we came back, our daughter was going to start daycare, I was going to work back from maternity leave. Baby was 3 1/2 months old. He was going to start training at another place for the next six months. When I logged in, hoping that there were no more calls to that number ... boy, was I wrong ... I called the number. 'You have reached the voicemail of ...' ... I downloaded the last year of calls ... took my agenda and went day by day ... one of the worst days of my life ... when we were supposed to be working on our marriage, he was talking to her, when we were at a restaurant, he would go to the bathroom, he was talking to her. She was the first person he called when the baby was born! He called her everyday while we were on vacations ...
after a lot of thinking, I confronted him. I said, I'm going to tell you a name and you are going to tell me what relationship you have with that person. He laughed. I guess he thought he was error-proofed ... when I said her name, I just wished I had a camera because of the look in his face ... he said it was someone from work. I asked again. He said it was a friend. I asked again, then he admitted that he was having an affair with her since before I got pregnant! That he was not going to leave us, but he was not going to leave her either. Let's just pretend that nothing is going on. OMG!
The funny thing, I tried ... I tried to pretend ... for two weeks ... instead of calling her less, he was calling her more. I guess it was been difficult with his new place of work to see each other as before...
I couldn't wait, I asked him to make a decision ... he left for work that Saturday ... and did not come back on Sunday. While I was at church, he left a message saying 'this is not going to work. I'm not coming back'. I was devastated. I was left alone with a four month old baby ... He moved in with her.
Later that week he came back to talk, like nothing happened .... after he left, I called a lawyer and made an appointment. He was so cold with me.
This was on February. I visited the lawyer. She oriented me on the different options I had. I was ready to ask for a divorce on grounds of adultery and emotional abuse. He didn't care ... I kept everything. I kept my debts and assets, he kept his. I know they were doing fine on February. But on March, things started to change. He started spending a lot of time at the apartment ... almost everyday ... by April he was making comments that he wanted to come back.
By April, I was sure that he wanted to come back but something was not right ... something was not letting him leaving her ...

On May the divorce became final ... very quick! too quick! in less than three months we were divorced. He had to pay a lot in CS, medical plan and daycare for our daughter. He said he didn't care because it was for our baby. I never asked him about OW ... I've never seen her ... I was trying to ignore her existence and trying to get my life back together with him. The day the divorce was final, I cried. He told me that it was a good opportunity for us to start over. May be we wanted to date for a while and see how things went from there. He was visiting us everyday ... he even stayed overnight a couple of times when the baby was sick ... but there was something else and I couldn't figure it out. How naive! ...
Then on the first week of August, he said that he wanted to talk ... ok, this is it ... I thought ... did we talk! for six hours! For the first time he apologized and said he was sorry. We cried together. He wanted to come back with us. He wanted us to get married again. But there was something else. Our daughter has now a little brother ... born six week premature ... nine months apart from each other ... OMG! I saw the line where people go from sane to crazy ... He said he didn't feel anything for her but he wanted to know if I was going to be able to accept him back with his kid.

He talked to her. He said to OW that he still loved me and was going to come back ... she moved back with her parents (She is 27 and divorced and now with a kid.). Then she said that she wanted to talk to me. That she felt sorry for everything she's done to me and she wanted to apologize.... what!?!?! ... She's playing the victim I told him. But I agreed to meet her anyways. We met, she knew who I was obviously, but I've never seen her ... I went with my daughter, she went with her son ... after three hours of uncomfortable silence breaks ... not a word of apology came out of her mouth ... it was more like I was the OW and she was the BW! She told me that even when she told her he loved me, she didn't believe him and that she was going to fight for him and for her son to have a father ... OMG!!! I was blinded! I felt so depressed ... that was not what I was expecting ... not at all ...
Then I came back to the apartment and he said that he was confused and was going to move back to the other apartment to live by himself for a while ... I felt like I was framed by both of them!

I spent a couple of weeks by myself with the baby ... then I called him... we started talking again, he apologized again and told me that his feelings for me have not changed but that he wanted that time alone to get his live together. How patient I have to be!? I don't know if I can wait for him forever!
The truth was that I've never felt him closer to us ... he was coming to the apartment Tuesdays and Thursdays with the OC to spend time with our daughter.
Then this Monday the ball started rolling ... OW sent me four text messages asking why he was spending so much time at the apartment ... what type of relationship we were having ... and why I didn't let him take OUR daughter to HER house! That I should be thankful that she was letting him spend all that time with our daughter. I was furious!
I waited until yesterday to send her back a message ... well two messages. On the first one this is what I wrote:


This is not a competition. But if it was, my daughter will always be first. You should have thought about that before getting pregnant from a married man with a baby.



On the second one,

I should be thankful? Because I?m raising my daughter by myself? Because she has a part time dad?



Less than 30 seconds and she was calling to my cell phone. I didn't answer it. She left a long message. I misunderstood her messages. She just wanted to know what type of relationship we were having that he was spending all his time at the apartment with our daughter and not with her son. That she didn't wanted hatred between us. That he has never lied to her but she was feeling confused.

I called him and told him what was going on. I asked, why is she asking for us? are you telling her the same things that you are saying to me? that you are going to go back to her? He said no, that she was desperate, that she was harassing him. He said to ignore her call that he will talk to her on the afternoon.



It took me about one hour of deep breaths and praying before I called her ... I told her that I didn't misunderstood her messages, that one of us was living in Fantasy Land and I wanted to know if it was her or if it was me. Then she told me that she moved back to the apartment on Monday ... ok ... Another deep breath ... this time I felt very secure of what I was going to say ... Did he ask you back or did you move back? silence ... she said that she moved back and he said it was ok. That she loved him and was going to fight for him until the day she died. That she could not loose him because he was her best friend, everything for her. I told her that I loved him too and I was going to fight for us too ... that she could not compare two years to seven years of marriage and four years of dating ... I told her everything he said to me that he loved me and wanted to be with us, that she was harassing him, that he wanted us to get married again, everything, we are going to church together again, we are going to friends' activities together, we are doing shopping together, everything ... she lost it ... she said she was going to kill him ... and she hung up.

I sat in my cube for about three minutes. I called home since he was there with the two babies. He did not answer. I took my key and left.

At the same time I'm parking my car in front of my apartment, she was parking behind me ... OMG ...

She started yelling like a maniac ... she opened the door and took her baby ... then she gave him to me ... she was out of it, I was worried about her baby and about my baby (she was sleeping), and I was worried about what she was going to do to him ... she started yelling at him ... why he had not tell me that they were back together ... he said, no, you asked me if I care if you move back, that your name was in the lease and I told you that I didn't care. She said that he's been lying to her and to me. And he said, I have not being lying to her (to me) ... then he told her that he loved me and he wanted to be with us not with her ...

I couldn't believe what my eyes were seeing ... he confronted her! he said that he loved me to her! Under this awful circumstances, isn't this what we want to hear? our secret fantasy that he is going to accept that he loves us in front of the OW?

Then she took the baby back and said that she was going to ask for CS and was going to leave him without a cent, that he was not going to be able to see his son anymore and that she was going to remove his last name from the baby's ...

I didn't say anything ... It felt so weird ... like it was happening to someone else ...

After she left, we talked for a while and he asked to come back for good ... and I said yes.



It's been a very emotional time ... I feel emotionally exhausted ... what should I do now? what should we do now?

Mily,

Well, I would make sure that you POJA your H's return into your life full time. There NEEDS to be firm boundaries, and if they are overstepped, he needs to understand the consequences. I would keep your CS order IN PLACE and make ABSOLUTELY certain that you are willing to have him back. He needs to PROVE to you that he is being truthful with you, and the xOW needs to have a NC letter, and if your H and you agree to contact, then there NEEDS to be a 3rd party involved for such contact. You get ALL YOUR ducks in a row before making anything final with regard to the xOW or your H.

Tigger

Oh,and I want to welcome you to the board. Post often for support or venting or whatever! We are here to help you with our own experiences through this trying time.

Thanks for your advice.
We already talked about the current CS order for our daughter and that is staying in place. First, so he is showing me that he's back because he wants to and not because he does not want to pay it. Also, the laywer added a paragraph in the divorce agreement that even if we remarried or live together again that the order and the whole agreement stays unless we go to court requesting cancellation. I'm not planning on doing that.

Mily:

I think IN ALL HONESTY you should prepare and expect your husband to let you down. His actions DO NOT in any way, shape, or form match his words. You are obviously in love with him and clearly co-dependent on him. It is almost as if you have blamed the OW for all of this. Your husband was obviously playing you guys against each other. he let her move back in and tried to use semantics with you explaning it. Why would the OW be so incredulous and filled with so mcuh hate if he di not lie to her also. I can see that you want your husband more than anything and will let him back. Please use this board for support. Your story is so familiar that I can almost write a future post for you. Please do not be offended by my post. I wish you the best, but with all of what this man has put you through, how can you let him back so easily. YOu have to realize that without fixing all of the things that started this you will just live this scenario over and over again. Good luck. I will say a prayer for you.

Hi Mily

At the moment all I can say is WOW....

I am amazed you have struggle this far along..with the situation being like it is. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I have to go along with the other poster.. You have an awful alot to work ahead of you.. PLEASE stay on guard.

Welcome to this board!

<small>[ October 16, 2004, 02:02 PM: Message edited by: wizard ]</small>

mily,
that was exhausting, just reading it!!!

Welcome to the board and you're in good company here. Relationship work and legal business... that's the two aspects to this stuff.

Keep posting and hang in there!
Hugs,
J, 6y recovery and recent visitation

Mily,

What have you read on this board, in regards to the suggested books and the Q&A, the principles of Plan A/B, POJA, radical honesty, emotional needs, and such. If you have only read on the forums, I highly recommend looking into all of the above, ESPECIALLY if you are going to allow your H to move back in with you and your D! You need to know what you need to do to 1) save your love for your H, and 2) rebuild the foundation of your M(yes, you are going to have to start from the bottom, and get that firm foundation underneath you) You have a long road ahead of you, and if you and your H are sincere in wanting to rebuild your M(I know that you are still D'd at this time) then you have the time to do it right, and get that foundation solid before you re-marry!

Tigger

Your story broke my already broken heart. I have truly been there, done that, with my H, only the names and circumstances were different. We were trying to reconcile after being separated for nearly 5 months when he was hospitalized. I was working the night shift, but I would come to the hospital every day and bring our 3 kids to see him. Then, the 2nd day he was in the hospital, the psycho ow called my parent's house and told them to tell my H to stop calling her and telling her that he was inthe hospital dying. I completely lost it, and I slapped him while he was lying in the bed with tubes in his nose.

I'm telling you this story because any person who has been duplicitous before WILL be duplicitous again if it suits him. Your H is spending a lot of energy playing two women, and he is telling a ton of lies. Any person who can do this has a problem, and your believing his lies enables him to avoid changing. I know the pain you're in without him, but believe me, that's how you need to be--WITHOUT him. Your child is too young to even know when he is or isn't there, and it would be a good idea to detox yourself from your H while your baby is unaware of the situation. It is not too late for you to get help and find out why you are tolerating such horrible behavior from your H, because he is totally disrespecting you and does not care about your feelings. Just like the other posters have said, if you take him back, keep the kleenex handy, because you will be needing them again. Just please ask yourself if you want him near only to alleviate the pain that he himself has caused you, because you deserve so much more than that.

I know my words are harsh, but I pray that you heed them, because it took me 14 years and 3 kids to learn this lesson. I wish you the best and I hope that the days get easier for you.

Strong Survivor (you are one, too!)

Everyone - thanks for all you messages. I know the road ahead will not be easy.

lemmonman, strong survivor - I'll keep my feet on the ground and I'll give our relationship another try. I don't want to go through all of this again <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I can't ... I'll keep my eyes and ears open ...
I don't blame OW alone for all of this ... sometimes I fell sorry for her because we both believed all his lies ...
I still feel in my heart that he will change his ways ...

Tigger - I'll be reading Dr Harley's concepts and info on the website and reviewing the books.

mily

One of things I noticed is that you are one smart cookie! Keeping that CS order in place is the smartest thing you probably ever did!

wiz