LynnG,

Since your H's OC is 17, do you think you & H will pursue a relationship when the OC turns 18 since OW "should" be out of the picture at that time?

No. The oc is not part of our family.

Should he search us out he will be told the truth. He was the product of an affair, and we had a family to raise and wanted to do so in peace. That his mother was off her rocker with her harrassment of us and other members of our family and that for the well being of our family, no contact was for the best. We would, of course be kind, but clear that many people were hurt by the actions of two people.

We would never subject our children to this drama. They have been hurt by this also. Their welfare will always come first. They have no wishes to meet oc, nor do they see him as a sibling.

So, because of what your H and the OW did, you and your family will not accept this person even as an adult?
Your H's son means absolutely nothing to you and your H? Even when OW is not a part of the equation? You can't look at him as H's son and separate the OW and affair?
No room for love in you & your H's heart for him? Because of circumstances that were not his to take responsibility for?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by CheerfulLittleOne:
<strong> So, because of what your H and the OW did, you and your family will not accept this person even as an adult?
Your H's son means absolutely nothing to you and your H? Even when OW is not a part of the equation? You can't look at him as H's son and separate the OW and affair?
No room for love in you & your H's heart for him? Because of circumstances that were not his to take responsibility for? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yeah. I think that's what she said, Cheerful. It bugs you, but there it is. Everyone is different and the way this family has chosen to put itself back together and thrive is perhaps not the way you would do it. Methinks you would do yourself a lot of good to move on and stop reading anything Lynn posts if it bothers you so much.

~ Snow

We do not harbor any longing to have oc as part of the family. Nor do we even consider inviting him into it. Our children and their needs come before all others. We have all (oc included) been hurt by the selfish actions of two. We have accepted it and moved on. The past is the past.

As for the future, well it isn't here is it? So that is a moot point. But I will say it again, we have no plans to seek out a relationship with him.

We have a family, three children we love and adore. Their well being comes first and foremost. We have a beautiful sweet girl living with us, as her parents moved away and she wanted to graduate with her class. SHE is like family to us. We have known and loved her since she was a baby. SHE is like family to us, due to shared experiences and sharing a life. We love her like a daughter. Just like many other people truly love their neighbors like family.

The oc is a complete stranger to us. We know nothing about him and chose it that way as what was/is best for this family. The cold hard fact of this is, everyone gets a kick in the pants over this. Oc too. I guess it is up to the OW to explain why his father isn't around. She is the one who chose this for him.

Snowbelle,
Her post doesn't bother me. I think I would have been a little pissy in my reply if it did.

I do feel sorry for her and her H for not knowing his son. I look at is as "their loss" but if they don't look at things that way- no harm done, right?

They're obviously people who love children and family is of utmost importance to them.

It amazes me how someone can have so much love for family and friends, but discard a family member's child due the circumstances into which the child was born. They've just built a wall in which OC will never get over. I find that sad, not for OC's sake, but for theirs. They'll never know the joy this person could (and probably would) bring to their life. That's only my opinion though.

That's all.

Well, and I was simply curious if her & H's NC views would change when OC approaches adulthood.


LynnG,
Thank you for your reply.

Hey Pep,
You wouldn't by chance be in the Sales or Advertisement field, would you? I think you have a knack for it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by CheerfulLittleOne:
<strong> Hey Pep,
You wouldn't by chance be in the Sales or Advertisement field, would you? I think you have a knack for it. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No. Not even close. I have never worked in sales.

CLO.... if YOU are married, and want some MB help with your marriage, I am willing to spend my personal time and energy helping you reach that goal.

Just let me know. OK?

Pep

Thanks Pep,
I appreciate that and I'll keep it in mind.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by CheerfulLittleOne:
<strong> Thanks Pep,
I appreciate that and I'll keep it in mind. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">and... I am goooood at it too! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I have been married 23 years. My parents were married 57 years, before my Mom died this year. I am so pro-marriage because I think that a strong Marriage is a cultural advantage for children and for society.


It is never premature to study all the concepts on MB .... I think XOW come into new relationships somewhat handicapped due to past poor decisions and some relationship baggage.

It takes a committed attitude through thick and thin to make a marriage a long-term success. And there is always hope that YOU CLO can one day find yourself happilly and blissfully married.

Study the MB concepts. It will serve you well.

That will be my prayer for you.

Pep (I am a nurse practitioner, I can only sell Girl Scout cookies!)

<small>[ October 19, 2004, 11:06 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

I'm curious, why would you think adulthood would make a difference?


I am assuming that just as our family had to come to grips with our reality, so too did ow/oc.


Also, while you may see oc in our lives as a positive, I am never going to risk the family foundation to find out. We have ALL moved on. It is reality.

Oh, and for the record,,,,,,18 is hardly an adult, have you lived with one yet??????? They are only adults when they argue with you! When they get overwhelmed they turn into little kiddies quickly.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by LynnG:

Oh, and for the record,,,,,,18 is hardly an adult, have you lived with one yet??????? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Pep raises her hand.... yep, I have an 18-year-old "man"....

He wants freedom and independence, as long as it is financed by Mom and Dad!!! ~LOL~

He's cute tho....

Pep

<small>[ October 19, 2004, 11:22 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by LynnG:
<strong> I'm curious, why would you think adulthood would make a difference?
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not necessarily "Adulthood", but the drama that would come along with contact of a minor; "STOW Games" if you will.

Cheerful

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I do feel sorry for her and her H for not knowing his son. I look at is as "their loss" but if they don't look at things that way- no harm done, right?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I guess you must feel sorry for people that give up a child for adoption. This really no different. Lots of women do it everyday..but you don't seem to be asking them that??? Lots of people give up their children for adoption.. b/c they felt they could not provide for them like they should. It doesn't make them evil? The men in these situations..have the right to make the same kinds of decisions...

And frankly, I for one, am sick and tired of hearing the same arguement... for once...why not look at your own role in this. You doomed your own child to a life without a father... and if having father for your child is that important to you. WHY? Would you even risk a pregnancy to a MM that has already made a family?

Not too long ago, there was another poptart ....except this one had to be the dumbest one I have ever encounter. (You all know her really well too) She was too stupid to know what "birth control is" ... she continues to have an A knowing that this man is serial cheater. In fact he had another "OC" out there (if I am correct two of them before her). She knew this. And what does this dumb twit do... gets pregnant. All the while this guy already has a family and another 2x OC! She use to have the same agruement that you did. Over and over. She was too thick to see it. She too, like you, doomed her own son without a father... It puts this child in horrible position...having to defend the mother or hate the father.

Myself, I loved my children more and thought of them before I even conceived them. I never allow myself to be in position to even hurt the children I brought into this world.

But you continue to put it on the father, instead of taking deeper look at what you put your child into. You doomed your to child to that kind of rejection. YOU put them in this position.

My hats goes off to the fathers that know they have screwed up and is taking steps to make the tough decisions..and protecting their families. And if they go NO Contact, they have absolutely nothing to be ashamed with that decision... its not much different then giving up a child for adoption.


And I am curious... why are you really here? Are you married? Has your husband got some twit pregnant?

<small>[ October 20, 2004, 07:19 AM: Message edited by: Justuss ]</small>

And lets not forget, that a woman who gives up her child for adoption is considered as "noble".

Lets not forget, that a man, not the woman, MUST pay support each month for 18 years for the child he basically gives up for "adoption".

Wiz: I disagree with you on the adotion thing. I won't get into the jest of it all, as to not start a board war........As far that poptart....wow.......I don't know who your talking about wow. I know after my little bundle of joy was born I took care of it so It would never happen again with anyone!!! As far as seeing the child when they turn 18, I see CLO point and I agree that it's a shame. But hey what can you do. If someone chooses not be a part of that child's life well that is there choice. There is nothing you can do about it. I know that I have to protect my child's feelings and would never put her in that position but when she's 18 I have no choice in what she wants to do (meet them or not). I just hope that if she does choose to meet thema and they get a response as LynnG says they will do, that I have raised her well enough to overcome it and not let it affect her the rejection I mean.

Goodmorning Mary

***edit*****
More than anything, I may disagree but you know what..I want to hear what you have to say.

As far adoption... goes..I think it is fair. You know why...women do it everyday..and you know what Mary...the woman even has the option.. to even change her mind within year of giving up the child for adoption so why is it a man can't change his mind??? I think men have to rights too. I firm believer... that they should be allow to say what happens to the future of their children.

As far as the birth control..I would say the very same thing to the men. "What were you thinking not wearing protection!!" Especially with deseases... not just unwanted pregnancies...

Gotta run Mary..Have to work <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ October 21, 2004, 07:26 AM: Message edited by: Justuss ]</small>

Wiz,

Don't know who you're talking about, but it isn't any of OUR Mods....

I'm trying to think if anyone had a situation even similar to what you describe, but no one springs to mind...

Oh well, who knows.

Good morning Wiz: Let me rephrase that. I think adoption is the most unselfish act a person can do. But I don't think a woman should have to be forced to do so. It's a human life we are talking about. Yes, the xmm is choosing to not be in the child's life and that is his choice. Yes your right these men have rights too and they are using them (i e no contact). Both the xow and xmm have to be responsible for that child. I agree with you on the bc issue too. WHAT WAS I THINKING!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know it will never happen again for a fact this time. I thought I knew but was only going off a doctors opinion before, and past issues and history. I think the choices we make are dealing with the circumstances we are in and that is what makes us go on certain sides of the fence. If I was bw who the heck knows how I would really feel......and if you were ever in my shoes who heck knows how you'd feel about my choices. We can say all what we think we would do, but there are things I'd swore I'd never do before (xmm) and it happened. You really never know until your in those shoes.