</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by giovanna123:
many OW have a DEEP DEEP seated hatred for the MM"s W and even their children. Just as many BS have deep hate for OW/OC.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know that any "deep seated hatred" requires a lot of mental energy to maintain. It's exhausting to really really "hate" another person. That sort of hate uses up time and energy in one's life that cannot be recovered.

When we really hate another person, we elevate their importance in our lives.

After the dust settles, and enough time has passed, there is no useful purpose in one's life in keeping up the deep seated hatred for any past event. It's a psychic drain and there is no reward for such stubborn hatred.

I think that as part of everyone's healing, we each are responsible for softening the hatred in our hearts, pushing it into the background of "that was then, this is now, so that the hatred fades into the past. Where it belongs.

Holding onto a deep seated hatred takes up space in our lives needed for other things.

God will not judge us for hating the correct people, but by how well we lived and loved.

I am NOT speaking to anyone *freshly* wounded by an affair, D-day, or knee-deep in current OC chaos.... but to those who's life has achieved a sort of normalcy.... hatred is a costly emotion.

Healing is never complete while watering a deep hatred for the past.

Pep

<small>[ October 21, 2004, 10:13 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Gio~

I can't speak for any ow's out there as to what they would or would not do in the given situation. For my H and I, any reluctance we may have in helping x-om and/or any children he may have if and when he marries, stems not from hatred, but from our steadfastness to NC, privacy and a peaceful life. I'm one of those, who is grateful to x-om for staying away. In our situation, we'd probably have "hatred" for x-om if he tried for contact. At any rate, I would hope we'd be willing to help someone in need, even though that someone is one we vowed to put behind us.

I know we would only approach him in desperation for our baby, and would hope and pray he would try to help us. So I know the right thing to do, would be to try to help him if he found himself in the same desperate situation.

You say you think you guys would help OC, but you didn't say if you'd approach ow/OC for help if your H or children needed it. Do you think you would?

It's all hypothetical, and I tend to worry too much about the "what-ifs" in life. Still I find this kind of interesting.

<small>[ October 21, 2004, 10:36 AM: Message edited by: autumnday ]</small>

I'd do anything for my OC....anything! They deserve the best in life, just like all children.

I guess it's kind of apparent, huh?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As far as a deep seated hatrid: BS/OW/OC, this is not word for word, but I turn to Romans 12, it might help.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

It's kinda hard for me to contemplate hypothetical situations w/o a factual basis. But I find it interesting.....like what kind of situation could there possibly be? Like a bone marrow transplant or something?

Does anyone have a realistic idea? Because realistically, I'm thinking if it WERE a case like that then wouldn't the children of the marriage be a better match for siblings of the marriage?

Isn't that what you see on the news? Couples having another baby to be a donor for a child already alive so how would a half sibling really be able to help?

Now if OC ever needed anything that we could medically supply, then by all means-give us a call. But why not? I'm willing to donate blood for complete strangers & my organs if/when I die so why wouldn't I give OC something they needed as well, if I could. Just becuase Oc is OC? I'm a BW not a monster! lol (although some thing they are synonymous)

As far as asking OC for a donation of something--if we had never met--no, OC would be a stranger & it probably would never have crossed my mind. But now that we have actually met......I guess I would. I might feel a bit prideful of having to ask OW for something BUT as a mother (if it was one of my kids) I'm sure that feeling wouldn't last long & I'm sure OW would be willing to help---@ least I think she would, I hope she would.
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Good question, I think I will ask H but he will probably laugh @ me! lol


kt

...who hates hypothetical question unless it is one that goes like, Would you still love me if my face was permamentally shaped like this? (squishes face all freaky-like!) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ktbunch:
<strong> Because realistically, I'm thinking if it WERE a case like that then wouldn't the children of the marriage be a better match for siblings of the marriage?

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know a woman who had Leukemia and needed a Bone Marrow Transplant.
Out of eight siblings, only ONE was a match.
(He donated and she's alive and well today.)

Wow, this one sure has some twists and turns!!

My husband has no interest in the oc. Oc is a stranger to him. The subject has been brought up over the years, and he has never been open to wanting to know the oc. He is not pining away for the oc. After this discussion the other night, I asked him "would you be interested in getting to know oc? He is a young man now, arn't you even curious about him?" The response was:

"What, are you nuts? the only kids I'm curiuos about are ours and K (neighbor girl living with us).

Hardly the words of a man pining away for a person who he has never met. We are all so past the whole ow/oc drama. Why on earth would we/she/he want to stir it all up again? Everyone is living their lives in peace, why change that?

Cheerful

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, but in my state, it's legal. I'm giving him the opportunity to walk away for good and he won't.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You keep saying that you are "allowing" him. First you allow him NOTHING. Thats his option to choose. And second, your not letting him walk away. If he's paying child support... then thats NOT allowing him to walk!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

wiz

CLO, why don't you go to court and drop your claim for child support and then "allow" him to terminate his rights?

Funny Lynn

When H and I got custody of the OC. The judge was going to enter an order for CS against the OW. We desparately wanted HER to WALK.

We requested to have NO child support. My H didn't want any of her money..he absolutely wanted NOTHING from her not even her money.

He was that disgusted with her!

<small>[ October 21, 2004, 10:13 PM: Message edited by: wizard ]</small>

Oh my goodness, I purposely tried not to make it a complicated question. I usually give too many details, and end up with a long boring post. I figured medical emergency/life or death would be enough info anyway.

So okay this is the question I'm most interested in...For those of you in NC, if one of your children's life might could be saved by OC through bone marrow transplant, a kidney transplant, whatever...Would you seek help from the OC even though you've never wanted any kind of contact and have never had any contact? Would that kind of desperate situation cause you to seek out OC?

Reversed, if OC sought your help because your children might could save OC life, would you try to help?

I recall a story in the news years ago about a divorced couple arguing over this type of thing in court. They had 2 children together, before the D. I believe the W gained primary custody. I think they both re-married. The H had a son with his 2nd W, who became ill--I believe it was leukemia, and his son's only hope was a bone-marrow transplant. The H went to the x-W wanting to have the children of their M to be tested to see if they would be possible donors. Of course there was no way to know if either of them were a match without testing first. The x-W would not allow the children to even be tested, stating that the testing procedure alone is a difficult one as is, and she would not allow her minor children to go through the trauma of it all for a possibility. So it wound up in court. I don't recall if I ever heard the outcome.

I'm not talking blood donation here, I'm talking something that can save the life of a child, whether your own, or OC.

You're right it usually is a matter of 1/2 sibling helping 1/2 sibling, not so much the parents helping the child--from what I've heard anyway. Still, if minor children, you'd have to go through the parent.

<small>[ October 22, 2004, 09:15 AM: Message edited by: autumnday ]</small>

Well, in my case, if my younger child needed bone marrow or something drastic, he has a sibling in my older child, so I'd go that route before I went to his father about their child. My younger son is their childs only sibling, so if they came to me I would have no hesitation about helping their child.

I do think certain important medical information should be provided by the father, even if he is in NC...not little things, but certainly family history of a severe allergy (like peanuts or something)or inherited desease...

I hear you on that M&TB--I knew I was going NC with x-om, but before I did, I asked him as many Q's as I could about family medical history. I didn't think about allergies, but I asked about illnesses like diabetes. Asked if there was any Downs, things like that. I basically asked the rundown of questions I knew my OB would ask me at my first visit.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by needtomoveon:
<strong> I can answer that.......in most (I think all) it's illegal unless there is someone to adopt or under very special circumstances. The courts don't look at it as the best interest of the child. Also in most cases, if you sign your rights away that means no cs for the child. At least in my state that is what it's about. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You can pursue termination of rights under grounds of abandonment. I am the one who asked my husband for the termination since he completely dissapeared for 3 years. He didnt fight it... spoke volumes... he signed right away once he realized he would not be responsible for child support.

<small>[ October 22, 2004, 10:00 AM: Message edited by: nycmedic ]</small>

NYC,

I checked into that "abandonment" clause in my state, but here as long as the father is paying CS, he technically hasn't 'abandoned' the child...even if he never sees the child.

Now, if he isn't paying support, that may be another matter, but since mine is, I couldn't use that option.

Pep-

I didnt say *I* had deep hatred for anyone. I cannot deal w/hate and raging emotions like that. I go into overload w/it- can't think, cant function, cant go on till I resolve it. At least down to a dislike! I will have dreams over and over again and think of it constantly.. Doesn't work for me! So I agree w/you! However, there is so much hate in the world- too too much. I try to listen to God when he tells me to hate is wrong.

Autumn.. YES I would seek out OC if it were for my children. Surely not the ideal situation, and I'd look to OW to say heck no-- but I'd die trying to save my children so it'd be worth any begging, pleading or rejections I may receive!!! I can't imagine ANY mother in that situation having too much pride for anything at that point.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can't imagine ANY mother in that situation having too much pride for anything at that point.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mine and my H's thoughts exactly. Although we don't relish the notion one single bit, we'd seek out x-om in a heartbeat, especially if there's a chance he may have some children. For us, it would mean, disclosing a secret we have intended never to expose. We would do it though, for baby, no doubt about it. Of course, we too would obviously check our children first for a match.

Desperate times call for desperate measures sometimes. That's just one of the reasons I believe in not burning bridges--never know when you might have to walk over one again.

I would not have a problem either way. If my kids needed it, I would ask. If oc needed it I would not have a problem having my kids tested.

I assume everyone here is on the Bone Marrow list? If not do so. I have never been called upon, nor has anyone in my family. But I would do it for anyone.

Autumnday I agree with you wholeheartly. And Lynng even you. I would help out anyone. Everyone should be put on the bone marrow list. I have 11 ebroies that I donated to the Michael J Fox foundation and children's foundation. It was a hard decision for me as I could not just destroy them, but I knew that was going for a good cause.