My SIL is telling my H that she INTENDS to show OC pictures of her brother, and tell her about him. She wants C w/OC and she will not let it go. She rides H and she is a pest. Keep in mind that my sweet SIL is only 23-- this is a NOVELTY to her. She and xow were friends growing up and she feels trapped in the middle. I told her, as LynnG coined for me..

TAKE A LITTLE SLICE OF THE HURT PIE. She cannot keep being so involved in our M... but H has a hard time w/her and so does my MIL- she's a big mouthed young buck. I cant make her grow up any faster and she is making this hard. And its a no brainwe that her brother's family and her existing niece and nephews come first. She says they do- its just for OC...

I understand her interest and love for OC but as stated, we all have to take a slice of the hurt pie in order to put lives back together, period. Or possibly forever. She has a TINY slice compared to what I am eating many days- LIVE WITH IT as we all are. I am close with her, and I love her and I know she loves me-- but its still too much to ask her to be rational and grown up- she is not yet. She is a very young 23 and fiesty and opinionated as they come (even more than me, her big sis)..

H does not want to hear anything about Oc and he made that CLEAR over and over - that she MUST respect HIS decision. He told her he would disown her if she continued to disrespect him. She wound up coming over drunk and hugging on us and being obnoxious in front of the kids (crying, talking about the situation...) She said she does not want disowned and I told her I would NOT ALLOW a family member to disown ANY family member. My family and my entire life my family has never, ever fought. They are the only siblings they have, and I won't let annimosity break them up.

BUT WHAT the heck should we do??? Stand our gound w/her .... H wants to but ... I mean I dont know if we are "supposed" to let her see her neice???? As usual, MY burden re: OC cause I care more about the situaion than H!!! We the BS so much seem to pay for fow/H's decision-it all trickes down in our lap cause as the W we usually are the strong decision makers. Most women I know are. We have no rights, though! LOL.

Any opinions on how to handle something like this would be GREATLY appreciated.

<small>[ October 23, 2004, 01:26 PM: Message edited by: giovanna123 ]</small>

G123

You may have to sit her down..and be firm with her. Tell her that as much as you love her..she is going to have to trust you on this. Sometimes you have to lay it on the line..spell it out.

Tell her that under no circumstances is she to involve herself in this situation..and if she continues... that you are going to be in the position of cutting ties with her also. Tell her how this will break your heart but you have the emotional welfare of your family to think about first.

23 years old..just young chick... Tell her that if she has any respect for your family she would not put you in this position. You had enough to deal with....

wiz

Giovanna,
Our son is 24...I remember being 23...

This is something your sil needs to stay away from.
Point blank tell her if she continues to be involved with oc, you will cut her from yours and your H's lives until she can respect what you guys have gone through.

Do not hesitate to remove her from holidays and everyday events until she respects your wishes.

Perhaps telling things from your shoes will allow her to see what you mean. Let her put on your shirt...ask her how she'd feel. If she comes around, chalk it up to youth, if not...drop her off and do not look back until an apology to you comes from her mouth.
Love
Debi

G123, I kindof agree with the others. But I'm also looking at this on the other side. If your sil is young and knows all about life it is going to be hard to set those demands. Plus she has been long time friends with this girl. The thing is you can't stop her from being friends, but you can request that she does not show pictures of your kids or family to this woman and stay completely out of the situation. Tell her you don't want to hear anything about her or life. You don't want to find out she has told her anything about your lives. That you guys are family and that is most important to you and husband, but under the cirucumstances this is going to be very uncomfortable for you guys. Tell her that you don't want trouble in your family, and if she loves you guys that much she will abide by your wishes. The thing is she is young and they were friends before this happened and more than likely this ow will hold on to your sil because of the fact that she has a child with your husband. Did sil know they were having an affair? Did she comment about how much she loved you and did not agree with the affair? What it did to you and your kids? I don't think if I were in her shoes I could be friends with the family member, or even a close friend. It would just be to strange.

SIL did not know. However, xow started trying to use SIL to get closer to H-- according to MIL.

As I told SIL- sorry, this is NOT your friend. I'd never in a million years get involved in my "friends" married H's life. xow also betrayed H's family who she claims to respect, yadda yadda.

The point is that SIL is opening the door and keeping it open w/contact. H is very uncomfortable with this.. he is really upset.
Its just a shame because the baby to her, well-its just a novelty to have another "niece".

Its hard to say "no" you cant see the baby- MIL is very hurt too but she knows it must be like this. My H cannot heal from this either while he is getting bugs in his ear, etc. and having the subject brought up by his sister- and its none of her business.

She says she is so sorry for what H put me thru, and that she knows how I must feel, etc. She has also said before that "this is as hard on me as it is you".. UGH.. yeah right... thats what I mean about her being young and hard to get thru to!!

Time to get tough. This girl is 23, she is not a child but a young woman. She needs to grow up and learn the consequences of nosing around in others business. Sounds like she has been told and told and she just is tone deaf to what YOUR wishes are for your own children and your own family.

Tell her flat out that "..until she can respect the wishes of your family, pertaining this, she is no longer welcome in your home, or near your children." THEN STAND BY IT. This is not disowning anyone, or kicking her out of the family, it is keeping her away. Thanksgiving is coming up, do you have it at your house? If so, DO NOT INVITE HER. She needs to learn that his is a serious matter. She has already proven how disloyal she is to family, by having any contact with her "friend" when she knows how that "friend" has behaved. Personally, you owe her very little loyalty for the way she has behaved.

I would cut any/all contact with her.

Hello All,

I can tell u how this whole thing turns out...why...because I've been there & done that....my H's family were all into OW and OC in the beginning...I had basically cut them off...my H finally began to open his eyes and see all the manipulating that was going on by the OW and his own family, and he had finally had enough...but they continued on until stuff started to hit the fan...the lies, the games, so many headaches...now they can not stand this Ow, and they don't want to have anything to do with her period. I deal with them with a long handled spoon...because, how do u trust them after all that...they could not fathom the pain that I endured during the whole ordeal...my SIL said, I was never for her, I am a women too, and I don't condone what happened, it was only about the OC...No its about keeping the drama going...messing with my marriage...whatever, u were in the middle of it with the rest of the family...now they are ashamed and sorry about how they treated me...the wife.

Miss 23 year old needs to mind her own business...and respect your wishes. The OW is not her friend. OW will continue to USE the SIL to find out all the goings on with u and your H, and your household. I would not tell her anything u didn't want anyone else to know. She is the "go-between" right now...she can not be trusted. Sometimes people don't understand situations or see them the way we see them because they are not in our shoes. She needs to get a life...is it that serious of an issue to her for her to come over drunk about it...my goodness. I am sorry, that is exactly why I don't tell my family every little thing...people try to take your matters into there hands,...everyone has an opinion, but u are the one who has to deal with everything. And I hardly believe that she didn't know that her brother was having an affair with her friend...especially since she wants to go thru all these measures to be involved.(sorry to be so blunt).

Take care, and put sister-girl in her place. Tell her how would she feel if she was in your shoes...she wouldn't like it one bit.

Take care.