Let's talk about YOUR marriage.
What if.... what if you could impliment some new and dramatic behaviors toward your (separated but not divorced) husband .... and attract him back into the idea of "forever after" with YOU by his side as his wife and partner!!!!
And you would not get your "old" dysfunctional broken-down marriage back.... but a new much-improved model... one put together carefully using proven methods that work!!!
What if you could be coached along during the process, and you found yourself nurturing the most dynamic and strong relationship you've ever had... with the man you are STILL married to... despite all the troubles you've been through together!!!!
How GREAT would that senario be for your kids??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
If you say "That's impossible"... I say to you ... "You don't know what is possible, because you don't yet know your full potential as a wife."
You have a lot to offer your husband. You have learned some lessons in life and are smarter. All you need is motivation, and a plan, and some guidance.... and there is a chance that you could find your way back to a stable loving home ... like the one you grew up in!
Is it easy? NO. Is it do-able? YES. Is it time-comsuming? YES. Will it take patience and faith on your part? YES. Are you strong enough for the task? I think YES. Could it fail? YES. Could it work? YES. Is having an intact family worth your effort? .... well, is it?
What about your H's girlfriend? Well, technically, she's the OW. If your H wanted to fully commit to her, he'd divorce you and marry her. He has not done that. OW is not posting here, you are. If an OW posted here on MB that she was living with a 3-year separated-but-not-divorced man.... she would be told that he is
still a MM and she is
still the OW. And we would not ssupport that relationship as long as he was still a MM.
On the other thread you said that you "Plan A'd for 8 years" .... this is NOT Plan A. Plan A is a very time-limited effort to separate the spouse from the affair. For women, it generally should not last longer than 3 months. For men, Plan A should not last longer than 6 months. Women need a shorter Plan A because, usually they have been the ones putting the most effort into the M in the first place. An extended Plan A usually functions to
kill the love as the person Plan A-ing runs out of energy to singlehandedly hold up both ends of the M. An extended Plan A is highly discouraged. When you read MBers say things like ---> "I am Plan A-ing for life" ... know this, they do NOT understand Plan A. Plan A is not "being nice" while ignoring problems.... Plan A is fulfilling as many EN's of your wayward spouse as possible, in order to correct any misconception by the WS that you are not interested in meeting his/her needs. Plan A is
only applicable during your spouse's affair.
Plan A is not a "nice" plan ... it is a very agressive plan. Exposure of the affair to the world is a very important part of Plan A. POJA during Plan A is essential (thanks K <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ) Radical Honesty is very much practiced during Plan A. What is NOT Plan A is mousy acceptance of the affair... conflict avoidance is a big "no-no". Important issues must be brought up to the WS in non-love busting ways. Instead of saying "You are a lying adulterous sack-o-[censored]" ... Plan A remarks goes more like "When you lie to me, it hurts me very much."
Plan B ...is not "Asking him to leave"... Plan B is when Plan A has not been successful in separating the spouse from the affair, and the BS has shown a good or great track record for 3-6 months of how they will work to meet ENs. Plan B is to protect the BS from having to live with the affair in his/her face. Plan B involves writing a love letter to the WS explaining why the BS desires the M to work, what the BS is willing to do in order to make the M work, and also explains what the WS needs to do to return to the M. Plan B then cuts the WS off from getting
any ENs met by the BS. The affair now needs to meet all the needs of the WS, and that usually cannot work. Because, affair relationships, with very few exceptions, are fantasy relationships that function only in secret. When exposed to scrutiny in the light, they fall apart because they were based on a foundation of lies.
So.... back to YOU!!!!
You did NOT Plan A... you did NOT Plan B.... and I am very happy about that!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
Why? Because you can Plan A now! If you brainstorm, I am sure you can come up with your H's top 3 ENs. If you don't know what ENs are... look at the home page of this site, and read about them.
This is NOT an impossible task... the renewal of your M is VERY VERY possible!!!
On the GQII board, there is a poster "hopeful_person" who came to the board a few years ago as a divorced FWW who had her affair, left and divorced her H... and the affair partner was NOT the man she thought he was (duh). And she desperately wanted to reunite with her H. She was in a very bad position with her H.... who barely spoke to her. (They have 2 young adult children together) It took more than a year, and a LOT of hand-holding... and she was coached by all of us (mainly JustLearning) and , guess what????
She recently got re-married to her H!!! And she thought that would be impossible because her H held so much mistrust in her... but it was NOT impossible. She is happier than she ever was before... and so is her H, and so are their children.
And YOU have an advantage over her... YOU are NOT divorced because YOUR H chooses NOT to divorce you!!! He still has hope, I think, that someday you could be a family again!!!!!
Well... if YOU want to give it a try.... there is a small army of MBers on GQII who would be willing to coach you. Particularly JL.
Don't say "No" automatically. Say instead.... "Let me think it over."
Pep
