I know i have not posted in a while but things HAD been going o.k. Somethings have changed!!!!

OW decided she WOULD let H pick up oc and spend tmie with her. Which was o.k. with me because I have never met her and I wanted to meet my step daughter. But here is the problem. I want to go with H to pick up daughter and he does not want me to go, everyone I talk to says i should not go, I should let him take care of HIS RESONSIBILITY AND BE A MAN and let him go get her himself. I dont why I feel the need to go but I do, he will not let me go he says if I have to go then he will NEVER go get her. He thinks i want to meet OW. Part of me does and part of me does not. You know this OW has destroyed my life I would atlease like to see what she looks like. Does anyone understand this.

Well, this weekend H sends Sis to go get baby since I as he stated was ACTING CRAZY, sis goes and gets her. Later that night he takes her back by himself and I did not say anything but when he gets to where he has to meet her she tells him that beacause I was trippin over him comin to get her by himself that he cant come get her anymore (she told him" What she cant let you be a man and come get your daughter by yourself! why does she need to come with you.) something like that was said so now H is pissed at me because he says its all my fault. But I also say WHO opened their mouth and told her I was upset I can only think it was his sis. I just dont understand why people can not mind their own business. Why does his family feel the need to get to know OW. SHE is not part of the family they should only get to know OC. AM i right or wrong on this.

I have met OC, and she is soo beautiful. I had decided before I ever met her that I would keep a open heart and mind. She is a innocent child taht did not ask to be brought here. She just had two fu----ed up parents that thought selfifhly and brought her here. I have to admit I do feel something for her. I actually gave her a bath on Saturday, but H cousin was upstairs with me in the bathroom. I am sure he did not mean anything but I feel like I am being WATCHED. Everything I do with this child I will be watched!! Damn, Ihave only seen her twice. I guess peolpe just dont trust me yet and thats sad that people think i would actually hurt htis child.

I am just soo confused and hurt right now, everytime I think I am better with the situatiion something comes up and i get hurt again.

There is NO reason you should not be allowed to accompany him. Period. Even if you stayed in the car while he went to the door.

Lonely,

Sorry you're hurting.

OW decided she WOULD let H pick up oc and spend tmie with her. Which was o.k. with me because I have never met her and I wanted to meet my step daughter. But here is the problem. I want to go with H to pick up daughter and he does not want me to go, everyone I talk to says i should not go, I should let him take care of HIS RESONSIBILITY AND BE A MAN and let him go get her himself.

Well I completely understand your desire to go. Your husband had an affair with this woman and it probably feels much safer for you to be completely "aware" this time of what kind of interaction they have. I would also want to be present when H and OW were going to be meeting...and that in no way inhibits him from picking up his daughter.

I dont why I feel the need to go but I do, he will not let me go he says if I have to go then he will NEVER go get her.

Well that is simply and ugly threat to manipulate you. Maybe you could compromise by staying in the car...but for him to forbid you to and say he won't see his child if you do...is not about being a man...it's about being in "control".

He thinks i want to meet OW. Part of me does and part of me does not. You know this OW has destroyed my life I would atlease like to see what she looks like. Does anyone understand this.

I can imagine that you do have curiousity about this...but child visitation is probably not the right time to satisfy this. Seeing her may make this harder you know.


Well, this weekend H sends Sis to go get baby since I as he stated was ACTING CRAZY, sis goes and gets her.

Actually....that is another reasonable alternative.

Later that night he takes her back by himself and I did not say anything but when he gets to where he has to meet her she tells him that beacause I was trippin over him comin to get her by himself that he cant come get her anymore (she told him" What she cant let you be a man and come get your daughter by yourself! why does she need to come with you.) something like that was said so now H is pissed at me because he says its all my fault.

Ah...so he disrespects you by talking about you to the OW...and he's mad?? hmmm This is exactly the kind of emotional intimacy (sharing marriage discussion) that makes this whole situation fearful and uncomfortable for you. Talking badly about your spouse to another woman is very disrespectful. Please try and use some radical honesty, feeling statements and respectful requests to talk about this rather than:

But I also say WHO opened their mouth and told her I was upset I can only think it was his sis. I just dont understand why people can not mind their own business. Why does his family feel the need to get to know OW. SHE is not part of the family they should only get to know OC. AM i right or wrong on this.

I can only imagine that because this woman is their grandchild's mothere...that they have some curiosity about her or think they may need to develop some kind of relationship since legally they don't have many rights to see this child without her permission. It puts you in a tough spot...I'm so sorry.

I have met OC, and she is soo beautiful. I had decided before I ever met her that I would keep a open heart and mind. She is a innocent child taht did not ask to be brought here. She just had two fu----ed up parents that thought selfifhly and brought her here. I have to admit I do feel something for her. I actually gave her a bath on Saturday, but H cousin was upstairs with me in the bathroom. I am sure he did not mean anything but I feel like I am being WATCHED. Everything I do with this child I will be watched!! Damn, Ihave only seen her twice. I guess peolpe just dont trust me yet and thats sad that people think i would actually hurt htis child.

Is that your feeling...or do you think folks really are watching you. If so...why would they fear you harming this child?

editted....misread me's response.

<small>[ October 25, 2004, 11:29 AM: Message edited by: star*fish ]</small>

I can't think of any reason for her to be left out if it is so important to her.

Why would anyone have a problem with her coming along?

L315, I will tell you this, I think every BS would tell you not to be excluded from anything w/ the OC. This type of situation is very hard on everyone and I feel you shouldn't be excluded. Trust after all we have been though is hard. I dont know where you and your H are on this stage of your recovery. I told mine earlier on before the oc arrived what/when/where I expected. They do not really deserve to be trusted alone again. H needs to understand this. This should be discussed in the PJOA. But given all of this and the situation of being "watched" Be glad! I didn't really think of the fact, being the fact that in MOST, not all of these situations the OW/BS do not always get along. But some do. Even though I and the OW are getting along and getting to know each other for the sake of our children. I asked H , that I didn't want to be left alone w/ the oc yet. Where ever he is someone is there w/ me. I do not put myself in a situation where anything can be said or thought of against me. If something ever happened to the oc while I was alone, just think of the horror stories could start? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Yes, its not fair to have to feel this way about a child. But when you first step on this board we tell you to COVER YOUR BUTT. And that is more so, after the visits start w/ such a small child. Be comfortable that you will never be put in a situation, if something bad (God forbid) happen. I guess my background w/ a licened daycare, that is one of the first things they stress. Good luck and you are in my prayers. Work on getting all of your concerns in a POJA. And if your H hasn't given you any reason, not to trust him picking up the child, then you have to take that step w/ him. And ask yourself, is riding in a car and just making demains worth losing visits or even your M over?
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

Sorry Me!....I misread what you wrote! I thought you said she shouldn't go.

Lonely315
In my situation I am not allowed to be there for pick up or drop offs for the first six months by the court order. The judge felt this was ample "cooling" off time for everyone involved. But I have to trust my H since we have contact with OC.
After six months, I can pick up OC. I have to commend you on your attitude towards OC. I also love my little OC. She's beautiful and a welcome addition to our family. You're right that the child had no say in how and to whom she was born.
Unfortunately, if you go to court they may do what they did with us. At the time I was angry with the ruling. But in hindsight, it IS for the best.
Love,
ent

Sunny,

Thank you soo much!!!

I dont think my H has given me a reason not to trust him to go. ITs just that this is ALL SO new and I dont know how to handle things. I feel like he has to earn trust somewhere why not start here. But it is just a feeling I have that I need to go.

H has NEVER talked bad about me to OW he would NEVER say anything negative about me. He wants her to think I am great. IT is his FAMILY that opened their mouth!!!! they just dont know how to SHUT UP sometimes. I feel like what goes on with me & my h does not concern her at all even if we do have a fight about OC, it DOES NOT CONCERN OW.

I found myself doing soemthing this mornign I have not done in a month or two which is checking his phone bill. I dont know why i did it but I did. I got to a breaking poitn this weekend with all the fighting and frustration. I have to go to counseling. I lost it this weekend. Things came to my mind this weekend that should have never come to my mind. If you guys understand what I am saying. I dont know why I thought like that but i guess part of me just felt like shi- my life is soo bad I cant seem to get control, I am losing it. I am sure I suffer from Depression. My H asked me last night if I needed help. I told him i dont know, YES, Maybe i do. So I think I am going to get help. Soemtimes I jsut feel like this is soooo unfair to me. But iguess I should not think just about me.

L315, I know its hard, but letting your mind take over and thinking about things that maybe at one time in the past that happened, you have to let that go. Its not easy, but if you pray about it and when it starts, start praying again. And my SIL, I really dont think she wants H with either me or the OW, but she has become friends w/ the OW and I just dont tell her anything and her conversations w/ the ow, I dont worry about. Because I myself have proven myself over and over again that I am not like what she saids, never will be. But some people just like making stink for someones so they dont smell so bad! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Trusting and building it, is working on your M! Fighting about OW and you in a car so you can get a glimps of a woman that brought you so much pain, isn't. The unknown is ok, not every detail of the A will ever be known. Dont let your own insecurities over come you. PRAY PRAY AND PRAY. To me my brain is a place that I waste too much time making up what could happen and might be going on and its a waste of my time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> And yours! Do you have a POJA w/ H? if not, need to work on getting one. Do you have a attorney? GET ONE! Do these visits legal and no other way. H has to put you first and NEVER exclude you in what is going on. This is how you work on C and your M at the same time. I know some here are against this and say it can't be done, But I know it can. I'm here for you and if you have concerns or your brain is making up stuff, come here or SBF, tell them get them out and lots of times you will fine by the time you sit down and talk to your H about these concerns, you do this w/o LB'ing all over the place. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Like I said good luck and keep in touch
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

Sunny,

THank you soo much.

You are soo right I need to stop letting my mind play tricks on me. I need to stop stressing on the things that have already happened that I cannot change. Fear is my bigggest concern.

Lonely, I see no reason why you can't be there when he picks up the baby. I never looked at it before the way SunnyD explained it, but I guess that makes sense. In time I hope it gets better. As far as your h stating that to the xow, well, that was not nice. Then telling you what she said back about it? That is putting fuel on the fire. I agree that you both have to agree on things together to make this go smoother. I too would feel very strange being watched with my every move with the child. I'm sorry your having to go through this. I hope you can come to some type of agreement with your husband over these issues.

Mary, like I was explained to by MY attorney. (Who happens to be a friend of mine- FREE advice) I have no rights to the OC what so ever, right, but if something was to happen to him, while he was in my care, Legally, guess what, I am responsable. Like I would be for any child that comes into my home. I dont think I ever seen this subject discussed, and really I didn't think about it until she said something to me about it. I'm lucky, I do have her for advice. She tells me if you don't put yourself into a potentually hazzardous situations, you may never need me! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> So I do take her advice, so far she has been right on the money! But she OW is a mother such as I and when things happen that we sometimes dont have control over, I to would raise the same questions the OW would, if he was ever hurt or something happened to him while in my home. Mothers would all react the same. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> So therefore, I protect myself therfore protecting my family.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

Yeah, I can see what you mean. One time stbxh had the girls and I have one twin who is up in everything. She basically has no fear. He was cooking something for them and turned the burner off and pot off and she touches the burner. Well he calls me she is screaming and I'm mad. I go to the store and get all this stuff for her and go over there and taking care of her and yelling at him......he of course feels bad. I had to apoligize to him the next day cause it truely was an accident and knowing my daughter the way I know her she is quick and does things on her own accord. So yeah I see what your saying.

And you can see where it wasn't his fault or his doing, but you still went on a I'm the mommy and what the H*ll happened! And just think if they had been alone w/ a GF, BS. Not that they would hurt them, but shoot, you just dont know and that I can say would be my FIRST reaction. Either right or wrong, we all would react the same. So I would suggest that being "watched" over, may just be protecting you in the long run. And my greatest fear is SIDS, he is really young and I had a friend that just happened to. She has a daycare and guess what she was guilty until it was proven she wasn't and she wasn't even alone w/ the child, and that is what saved her butt! It wasn't even the childs parents, it was the state that put her though crap.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

Someone told me that if my H is not letting me go then he is trying to hide something from me. Do you think this is neccessarily true? If so how do i confront him? just ask him if he is not telling me something. What i just dont know.

It may or may not be that he is trying to *hide* something, but regardless of his motivation, he needs to put YOUR feelings on the issue first

Only you know his heart. What do you feel? I know it was agreed upon at the start that I would not, could not, be excluded in anyway. I think most of them think there is going to be this huge confrontation when the OW/BS meet and sometimes it does happen, sometimes not. Let her bring the child to your home? that way you are there and you agree to wait inside and him go to the car to get the child? How would that work. If it would make you feel more sercure, then suggest this. Find a solution to the problem, instead of fighting about it. There is a way around most situations, sometime you have to look harder to find them. I will say right now in my relationship, I do not have a problem w/ my H picking up the child. But that is me and our stage. Not to say I'm not going to let my brain kick in and start thinking this and that. Cause it happens to everyone! No matter how long its been. But to let you know, the ow does most of the drop offs and comes into my home and p/u the oc. But that is where we are also. I'm not giving up my feelings and do not feel threatend or invaded by this. And the one time my H did p/u HE took our D w/ him she is 11. W/O me saying a word. And the ow had her aunt there, so that to made me see, she too, felt the same way about the being alone and crap starts, good or bad, covered her butt and so did he. But it was already discussed in the POJA or like I called it my lines in the sand! This POJA is very important! Either verbal (which ours was) or written. I like verbal! But the limits need to be addressed way before they happen, its easier and better for all involved.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

I just dont know if I want her knowing where i Live. but on the other hand how does he know where she lives? I have never asked him that.
It has only been 4 moths since I found out. I guess maybe I am just trying to hard.

L315, yes then it is still new w/ lots of question, you may never know the answers to. Get a POJA, read up on them write down your feelings and talk about them. Face your fears! Legally, if you have her child, she has the right to know where you live. And why wouldn't he know where she lives? She has his child right? Same thing he has the right to know. He has to put you first, you have to be a team. And thats not a team against her, just a team for your family. You cnat tell her she cant come to your home and drop off or not know where the child will be staying. Now would you let your child go if you didn't know? Dont ask for demands you as a mother wouldn't do or as a wife, wouldn't expect your H to do. And visa versa. Pick your battles, some are so small and not an issue or just way out there, that is is not worth all the pain and cuts the words you do in anger. You can NEVER take back a word in anger, it cuts and the scar stays. I'm praying for you! Hang in there.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D