Your husband and you need counseling.

He needs to understand that YOUR needs come before anyones, meaning his family, oc, etc. Right now you are really being shoved around. He needs to stand up to his responsiblity TO YOU.

If he can't see this, or get an understanding, you are in for a rough time. Get ahold of this NOW. Having his sister pick up the oc was wrong. Him not bringing you along is wrong. Him being mad at you is wrong. You two need counseling, have you had any?

We ahve had NO counseling. Trying to handle this on our own. But this weekend I completely lost it. I tried something this weekend I thought I would never try and now I hate myself for it. Makes me open my eyes and say i really do need help before i hurt myself. I dont want that. Maybe this has opened his eyes too. He says what i pulled this weekend is not acceptable, he cant handle that. HE asked me if i need help and i told him i guess i do. I never in my life thought i would actully try what i tried this weekend. I guess things are just becoming to much to handle I am at my breaking point. Just when i thought things seemed to be going o.k. they really are not.

First off, not just YOU need help. You both do. Your M does. But you are going to have to get over your anger. What does l315 want? What are your needs.Do you know his? What are you sorry for? Speaking your mind, letting him know your feelings? NO this is not wrong and the only thing you might have done wrong was how you said it, or presented it. ANGER is not a good way to get your point across and you are going to have to deal with it. Do you have a right to be angry? Heck yes you do. But you also have to get over before you can work on your M! Is it hard yes. Read Romans 12 and memorize a verse a week! This will help you one day when the anger comes creeping back in. Fight the anger with bible verse and prayer. It workes. But dont feel you dont have the right to express your fears, concerns and ideas of making your M work! I'm here for you and come here and vent or email me and I will talk to you private. ((((Hugs))))mbsunnyd@yahoo.com
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

Sunny check your emials

I did, writing back now! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I would like some of the others to join in! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

HOw are you ging to post it here.

No, not here. I sent it you should have it now.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

Back at ya!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

Lonely 315,

I am sorry I have not responded to you sooner. Sometimes real life beckons. I am not very familiar w/ your story.

It sounds like you are EXTREMELY overwhelmed. I don't want to jump to any conclusions or assumptions, but I have been where you are @ I think. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> Anti-depressants helped me TREMENDOUSLY. You would not believe. They did not take away the 'problem' but allowed me to be NORMAL while trying to deal w/ it & figure things out.

H & I also tried to do things ourselves & that is REALLY hard to do. GOOD marriage counseling is a MUST! We could have gotten so much farther, so much faster if we had sought some guidance.

I did not find out about OC until OC was 6 mos old. I had NO idea. The A had ended upon OW pg. That was years ago now but it was horrible. H did not even tell me the complete truth back then & I immediately left him. SO I did not have to deal w/ him every day & sharing my bed w/ this horrible thing hanging over our heads. But we did get back together & it was not until about 2.5 years ago that my H finally told me the complete truth. (when we were about to meet OC)

And while our marriage was on more solid ground-------I was NOT. I just about lost it. TOTALLY. I had these racing thoughts all the time, insomnia, mood swings, blah blah, blah. I had CRAZY thoughts followed by the idea that my CRAZY thoughts were NORMAL--------NOT.

This is a traumatic thing to happen to a person.
It might help you to function on a more normal, rational level if you spoke to your doctor & inquired about anti-depressants.
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This will not be easy & it still hurt some days more than others. You have to stay focused on your goal-------to get through this TOGETHER w/ your marriage & family intact.

I totally understand that sometimes it seems IMPOSSIBLY over-whelming. It doesn't help to hear others say (as if it is soooooooooo easy) to get over it, or you can't handle it, or just let go of your anger (no offense sunny)...but I think all that is a process & it is not a fast one. I wish!lol

Hunny bunny----take a deep breathe & focus. You can do this. You are a strong one-----a moment of weakness may overtake you but don't let it define you.

If your H won't go to marraige counseling then @ least look into some individual counseling so you can get some more guidance on how you can deal w/ this in a constructive way & not lose yourself.

ooo
xxx
sincerely,
kt

lonely,

Beginning contact is a difficult period.
From what I have seen, nearly 9 out of 10 OWs want the BW to be excluded from the contact.
Why? you may ask... I have read where some have said things to the effect that the BW is not a part of the MM and that she has no right.
True, she has no legal right in regards to the child... but she IS a part of the MM in the fact that they are married. IF the MM is choosing to stay with the W, then she SHOULD be included in EVERY ASPECT of Contact.
In the eyes of the Law, they are one. And should be treated as such.

In my case, we filed to establish paternity of the baby BEFORE her birth. Paternity was established when Lil Bit was only 5 wks old.
Mr Lee picked her up that very weekend. Without me. I wanted to go, but because it had been agreed that he would pick her up on his way home from work it was silly, in his way of thinking, to come home, get me and then backtrack...
As with your H, I didn't think there was any danger at that point.. but I still felt the need to be present. But, even at the drop off I wasn't allowed to go.


When we went to court over a DCS referral (H called them because OW was neglecting Lil Bit) OW tried to require that I would have to leave my home while Lil Bit was there.
I found that absurd because Lil Bit had been in our home every day for 2 wks by this time and OW didn't seem to have a problem with it until then.
The attorney that was acting in the best interest of the child told OW that her request was uncalled for. She proceeded to tell OW that she had chosen to get involved with a MM and then to have a child by him... and in so chosing, she had chosen to involve his wife in the child's life. She went on to tear every accusation, that the OW had about me, completely apart. Everything was unfounded. Everything she said was a lie.

I told my H that I wanted to be included as much as possible because I wanted OW to understand that I wasn't going anywhere. I wanted make sure that she knew.. WE ARE A PACKAGE DEAL!
I was kept out of 1 conference... but have been included in everything since then. The courts now see that I am supporting my husband and his right to parent his daughter. The attorneys all understand that I will be involved and I am able to control myself and not cause problems in court.

Sunny has given you good advice. Definitely you need to use the POJA to come to a decision on visitations (p/u & d/o) that both you and your H can be comfortable with.
I believe that you know that you need counseling... and that you are in dire need of it. Knowing that you need help is a step towards getting that help...
Coming here and posting about it... another step towards getting help...
Steps... Steps... Keep stepping... As long as you are stepping, you are moving towards your goal... KEEP MOVING... DON'T STOP... Keep going until you find the help you need.
Keep posting so you can find support and understanding...

There are many that have traveled the same type of road.. Not all the roads are the same.. but the potholes are very similar... and every once in a while we all hit one and are sent barreling for the ditch... Hang on.. Keep your head and you will regain the steering. Pull yourself back on the road... and keep moving FORWARD!

Hey L-315 how r u this morning? KT is right I was on AD's for the first part of this. They help, dont have to go it alone! I still have my "chill" pills that I only take when a "oh sh*t" attach happens. But they have gotten better too. Just checking in on you!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

Stacia is right as well, everything is a STEP.

Step one: FOCUS ON YOU: get yourself checked out by the doctor, get some IC for yourself.

Step two: FOCUS ON MARRIAGE: some marriage counseling, POjA in affect, discuss whatever comes up, radical honesty ect. Read up on all of MB principles

Step three: FOCUS ON DECISIONS: attorneys, regarding OC, C/NC, Paternity, CS ect.

I think you get the idea.

You are @ the lowest...do whatever it takes to stay healthy. If you can't 'handle' (I hate that word) things right now..then avoid them--in HEALTHY ways---that's ok to do.

Be honest w/ yourself & your H. You both have to discuss things & make decisions together.

Let us know what you need----we're here for ya' hunny bunny.

Take a deep breath, try to eat right, try to get some form of daily excercise, even if it's just a walk around the block, it will help to clear your mind & keep your senses sharp. Avoid over-indulgence in caffiene that can trigger mood swings w/ extreme highs & crashing lows.

Talk to us----we're listening.

ooo
xxx
kt

Thank you guys soo much.

1.) we have taken our own paternity test to prove to ourselves that this is his child. Did not take one that will hold up in court because the baby has OW married last name, not even my H. I was told under IL law that since she was married when she had the child legally it is her husbands until she can prove otherwise, so i feel like why stike up child support if we dont have to. I dont think she will ever go as fas as to do a legal paternity test. But with OW you NEVER KNOW!!!
2.) IF anything good has come out this Ihave lost almost 30 pounds and in 3-4 months managed to keep it off. Yes, I lost 30 pounds in almost 1 month. I know that was not good, but I managing to keep it off is whats good. Now my stomach has actually shrunk because I could not eat so now I can not even eat as much as sometimes when I get upset I can not eat, so I am not completely eating like I should.

I have come to this conclusion its such a little fight right now about ging with him to pick her up I am thinking about giving in on this one FOR NOW, if she even lets him to continue seeing her after OW found out that I was acting a fool about not being able to go and told H that he could not come get Kayla(baby) anymore because of me. We will see how long this lasts though. She keeps saying she is leaving with her kids but she has been saying that, I will believe it when she really leaves.

I believe it is KT it is soo true we have a lot in common I did not find out about OC till she was 6 months. I am trying to cope some women say I am doing better then they are. I now see I had one momentof despair and I CAN NOT let it happen again. I CAN NOT LET HER(OW) get the best of MY emotions or anything that has to do with OW and A get me down, I have to learn to stop letting things mess with my mind I cant help sometimes but think of negative things I have to learn to stop that. I have my first IC session next Tues @ 8:00pm. I feel better but a little scared. Dont know why. Thank you gusy for being so concered about me I see you DO really care what happens to me THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

That weight loss is something else hanh?

This second time around (finding out the COMPLETE truth a week before meeting OW & OC, & having baby a week after that) I had a lot of trouble gaining weight while being pg & then it literally dropped off after I had baby PLUS about 20 lbs more besides that--& I was breast-feeding------talk about having nothing left to give!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

It's crazy AND it is NOT healthy. It can contribute to the freakiness feelings & mood swings---plus your hair can fall out---a whole list of physical consequences--sure it can look great if you were overweight------uh I wasn't.

Anyhoo---just let us know what you need-we are here for you.
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I undersatnd just letting some things go---thinking they are not worth fighting over it. That's ok but be honest about it. It will not help if you are feeling bullied into backing down & H continues to do it & then you continue to get upset over it.

H comment about NOT going if you insist on being present is a little wierd, I think. Then he is making it NOT about baby....but something else?

There's no reason why you two can't discuss it & POJA it so that there is a good compromise that you are both secure w/ & feel good about. It is not about bullying someone to get their way.

You can't force H & he can't force you. You must work together on this.

Have you read the MB principles & has your H?

I'm glad that you are deciding to stick around! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

KT Read them a while ago, dont know if i remeber them also never FULLY understod them.

I dont think that i feel bullyed but my heart says i have ntohing to worry about its just that my head says you need to go. When asked why do i feeel the need to go i say I dont know I just want to go maybe its to put up a strong front but I am also seeing it now like if maybe i dont go that will me look like a stronger woman because i can trust him to go without me, I just want to stab it to OW to show her I am here and I am not going anywhere, but people say that she obviously knows taht because I have not left H yet but I want to make sure she understands that. I am just going off on something different. Sorry trying to work & tallk at the same time. NOt diong a good job today.

Yes, my hairs is still coming out i dont know what to do about it!!! i had such thick hair and now it is not soo thick, i hate that. My H says he is determined to work things out!! He went so far before my breakdown happened to say he wanted to have a baby in Jan. of next year, now i am not soo sure if that is a good idea. Well see. I need to worry about myself first.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Me too ! We hate to see newbies come, but we do enjoy getting to help and know you! And we do care. We are here for you and the others. I think your taking the right steps for you and your family, lets get l-315 back in the game of things and then, work on M and then work on visits and oc. Its hard women want to fix everything and fix it today, dont happen. Hang on, this roller coaster will SLOW DOWN. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D