First off I would like to say welcome to this forum. I am so sorry that you had to find yourself in this situation. But you are NOT alone! You will find the princibles here will help you get though and get over the obstacles in your M. I will be the first to tell you that this site is NOT ment to change your spouse. Just to change YOU. There are many reasons why Marriages go south. You have found a place to find our how and why. Its up to you to make the changes in youself first.

Things to do

Read EVERYTHING on this site ! From start to finish, print it, save it, make notes.
Basic Concepts

Get to Know Plan A (PA) and Plan B (PB)
What are Plan A and Plan B

Start on a Policy of Joint Agreement
Policy of Joint Agreement

On a more personal note my advice that I received when I first got here where:

Breathe!

Get some exercise, go for a walk, get out of the bed, uncover your head, and get up and make a change.

Dont expect to go this alone. Just about everyone here has had the help of Anti-Depressions (AD)

Find a good attorney. Cover yourself and your children.

Find a good marriage counselor. (MC) If not a marriage an individual counselor (IC)

Be honest with yourself and your spouse.
Please Read:
Policy of Radical Honesty


Questions you may ask yourself are

How this happened? When? Where? Who? Are all honest questions. But brace yourself for the answers, some you may not what to know.

Do I want this M to work?
- If yes, then lets get to work! Make your M first and the oc issue second. Work on M and then make the decisions on Other Child (OC)

Something to look at that is helpful to look at:
Dr. Irene

Can I get though this?
- The answer is YES, what ever the out come!

Do we want contact with the child?
-Contact HAS to be a team thing, legal thing, only way.

Do we not want contact?
- No Contact is the same, Team thing, legal thing. only way!

What are my rights?
- Do the research here and other sites, every state is different. YOU do have rights which ever is choosen C or NC. Find them, know them, never be under prepaired!

Document EVERYTHING from this day forward. Keep a journal.

Even though our situations are alike there are different people involved in these situations and different things work for some and some don't work for others. But we are here to help you make the best of what you decide that is best for your family!

Good Luck and our Prayers are with you. Come in and get to know us!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

<small>[ November 01, 2004, 12:50 PM: Message edited by: sunnydale ]</small>

sunny this is a great start chere! It really helps if when you talk about Plan and B...you insert "links" to that information. Same thing with the POJA. If you don't know how to do this....let me know and I'll walk you through it.

show me teach me for I am clay <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

TEACH ME TOOOOOO

I Need to learn everything.

Sunny your help is soo greatful.

Okay....there are two good ways to creat links. Takola wrote this for us on the EN Welcome Thread:

At times you want to link to another thread with more information.

1.) Adding links. On the 'Add New Topic' or 'Add Reply' page, put your cursor in the 'Message' text area at the location you wish the link to appear in your post. Click the 'URL' button under the 'Instant UBB Code' heading. A javascript prompt will appear in the upper left of your screen asking you for the complete URL. Type or paste the URL (web address) in the text box of this prompt and click 'Ok'. The javascript prompt then asks you for a title for the link. Type or paste in your title and then click 'Ok'. The link is now in your post.

Example:

For the 'Basic Concepts', the URL is 'http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html' and the title is 'Basic Concepts'.


I prefer the html way...it just seems easier to me. In a separate window, open the page you want to link. Copy the URL of that page which begins with http;// In the place where you want to insert the link type paste the copied URL in here

So it would look like this (without the spaces)

[U R L=http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html]Policy of Joint Agreement[/U R L]

And it comes out like this: Policy of Joint Agreement

By God she can be taught!!! Took four times but I got it now! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> No wonder ! Now we start teling our stories? Come on ya'll I need some help here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

Telling our stories? What do you mean?

Here is another VERY good tip to remember: setting 'appointments' w/ each other to discuss the situation.

As a BS you MAY have tons of burning questions running through your mind. Your WS is going to be torn between answering them honestly & you turning into a raging lunatic everytime you hear an honest answer OR not telling you the honest answer & you turning into a raging lunatic when you are not getting the answers you want, honest or not.

So to avoid this scenario & encourage HONESTY within your relationship (which is an absolute MUST right?) you must encourage your spouse by responding POSITIVELY to their answers.

How to do this you wonder when the answers MAY be so shocking/disgusting/maddening/perplexing?----you choose the adjective.....

Choose a block of time ahead of time. Do not ask any questions or start any discussion until the set appointment time. Set a predetermined amount of time, maybe only 30 minutes to start. After that time is up--that's is--discussion over.

This will help in a number of ways. It allows you to be heard & ask the questions you need. And it allows WS to know when/where/what the next 'discussion' will be. Many times both BS & BW are walking on eggshells never knowing when the BS will 'attack' & the WS will be defensive.

This way you both know what is coming up, it is a more controlled setting, less emotional to start with & you can be sensitive to when/if things begin to get emotional or upsetting. And neither one is overwhelmed w/ unlimited questions/discussions.

kwim?

This advice was INVALUABLE to me when I came here. I am a 'thinker' by nature (as opposed to a 'feeler') so my idea was if I just got enough information I could figure this entire mess out & if I was confused I figured it was only because I did not have enough information.

My H however is a feeler so my 'discussions' felt like badgering, interrogations to him & he never knew what to expect or when it was coming. This helped us to be able to meet both of our needs, my need to discuss & get answers & his need to not feel on guard on the time & for both of us to enjoy the time we did have together.

Hope this can help someone. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

KT, oh my!! This was one of the exercises that we were told to do years and years ago!! I am so glad to here that it helped you!

I was talking about this just recently with some friends. I am thinking of writing a book, along with some of them. We all have older oc's in our lives....that is how we meet...years and years ago.

You know that hour or so block of time to discuss? Well it works for other things too! We have kept it up just to talk about what is bugging us, or whatever. We still take that time to discuss everything "big" Stuff like tuition payments, new cars, what we are going to do with the old dog, who is getting older <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Stuff like that. It allows us to enjoy the week, knowing that the big stuff will be discussed on Thursday. Obviously if something bad happens, it is taken care of (like when daughter totalled my brand new car) immediately.

Marriage is lots of things besides the loving relationships. It is also a mini business with bills to pay, and details to iron out. So do a weekly "temperature check" It does help!

well, lynn, I should have given proper credit where due since it was YOU that advised me of this very helpful tip!

HUGE help I should say!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Yes, my poor H would be so overwhelmed by my 'barrage'. We both understand each other much better now. And yes, we do 'regular' check-ups as well. We make sure to do regular maintinance (sp?) on our relationship & marriage. WEll worth it. Sometimes it big stuff.....(not too big anymore <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ) others it's just a regular romantic date night <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ----keeps the kids jealous! (you went out to eat where?) LOL

I've always thought of a book too--or @ least a pamphlet--like the Newly BW Survival Guide or something! LOL (not that it's something to laugh about but I think you get the idea)

Oh I don't want credit for it. It just makes me feel good that advice that is way old, still works!!!

I think it helps in so many ways. Allows Betrayed to get answers, or discussion. Allows the WS to not feel threatened. Knowing that the conversation is coming allows the couple to live their day to day lives and not have to keep yakking about this.

Its funny because when I first found out, we talked about it on and off for 1 month. After that and after we made the decsion to stay together, we would only have certian times that we would talk about it. I referred to them as VooDoo talks. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> But it was so much better than talking about it EVERYDAY! On the other 29-30 days of the month, we worked on US!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

bump up for newbie

Bumping yet again. Let's try to keep this one at the top!

^bump^

^bumping for Crews^

bumpity bump! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

xoxox
kt

<<<<BUMP>>>>

Bump for amiloco

bump for newbies!!!!

bumping up^^^