I am new to this site and I really don't know how it works but I will post my situation to see how it goes. I have been married for 7 years. At about 3 years into the marriage there was verbal abuse from my husband and it got to some physical abuse. My husband is a programmer and spent a great deal on the computer working. I either felt ignored, or was just waiting for my husband to explode when he was stressed about work. I love my husband dearly and I sometimes feel that he married me because he settled for me. Last year I started an affair with a man on the internet. I got pregnant and now I think the baby is his. The man I was having the affair with and I wanted to see who was the father of the baby. One saturday, my husband and I got into an argument - I told him I wasn't gonna take his abuse anymore and he said fine for me to leave but to leave the baby and we would just sell the house. He took my purse and my phone away from me, but I still left with the baby.He went through my purse and found some documents where I was going to do the DNA test. He was devastated to the point that he bought a shot gun. I feared for my life and left the state. I still love my husband and I feel guilty for having had the affair. I want him to get help for anger management but he wouldn't go with me. Now he says he hates me for what i have done to him and he's going to destroy me financially, emotionally and physically. Sometiemes when he's not angry we chat online and he tells me he forgives me but that we can't go back together. I want him to be like he was on our first years of marriage. I truly love him. He tells me he has found another woman online and that she's studying to be a psychologist and that she is helping him bring down the walls that he had put out. He's making me feel like I was uncapable of doing that - and that I failed at that. She's coming to stay with him and he says that if the baby is his, she will help him raise it. I don't want to lose my baby, and I wish I could work things out with him....is the relationship to far gone? This only happened 3 weeks ago. He's angry and I don't blame him. I am at another state and he hates me for leaving. I don't knkow what to do I'm desperate. I have filed for divorce and he has too. I wish we could have worked things out before all this happened, but he never wanted to go to counseling with me. I tried and tried to get him to understand - I just want things to be the way things were when we first got married - I miss him so. The other man wants to be a father for the baby if it is his, he wants to have a physical relationship, but not an emotional one. I can't handle all this. I was also in love with this other man, I am just disappointed in men, but I have some to blame - I'm lost and desperate, I want my husband I want him as he use to be, not like now. Please help.

Sunny D recently wrote a new "Welcome to the Pregnancy/Child Forum" which I am going to paste here for you.....

First off I would like to say welcome to this forum. I am so sorry that you had to find yourself in this situation. But you are NOT alone! You will find the princibles here will help you get though and get over the obstacles in your M. I will be the first to tell you that this site is NOT ment to change your spouse. Just to change YOU. There are many reasons why Marriages go south. You have found a place to find our how and why. Its up to you to make the changes in youself first.

Things to do

Read EVERYTHING on this site ! From start to finish, print it, save it, make notes.
Basic Concepts

Get to Know Plan A (PA) and Plan B (PB)
What are Plan A and Plan B

Start on a Policy of Joint Agreement
Policy of Joint Agreement

On a more personal note my advice that I received when I first got here where:

Breathe!

Get some exercise, go for a walk, get out of the bed, uncover your head, and get up and make a change.

Dont expect to go this alone. Just about everyone here has had the help of Anti-Depressants (AD)

Find a good attorney. Cover yourself and your children.

Find a good marriage counselor. (MC) If not a marriage an individual counselor (IC)

Be honest with yourself and your spouse.
Please Read:
Concept of Radical Honesty

Questions you may ask yourself are

How this happened? When? Where? Who? Are all honest questions. But brace yourself for the answers, some you may not what to know.

Do I want this M to work?
- If yes, then lets get to work! Make your M first and the oc issue second. Work on M and then make the decisions on Other Child (OC)

Can I get though this?
- The answer is YES, what ever the out come!

Do we want contact with the child?
-Contact HAS to be a team thing, legal thing, only way.

Do we not want contact?
- No Contact is the same, Team thing, legal thing. only way!

What are my rights?
- Do the research here and other sites, every state is different. YOU do have rights which ever is choosen C or NC. Find them, know them, never be under prepaired!

Document EVERYTHING from this day forward. Keep a journal.

Even though our situations are alike there are different people involved in these situations and different things work for some and some don't work for others. But we are here to help you make the best of what you decide that is best for your family!

Good Luck and our Prayers are with you. Come in and get to know us!

Sunny D

************************************

However,,having said all that..

I also have to warn you, and I'm sure you are already aware,,,because your case involves some serious physical abuse issues,,you need to be very careful!! The safety of you and your baby takes priority over everything and anything else!!!

Before you even consider trying to save this marriage, or return to your husband, he has to deal with his abuse issues.

The weekends are slow. Please be patient, read, read, read and continue to post. And know that you are not alone...........

<small>[ October 31, 2004, 12:37 AM: Message edited by: Nerlycrzy ]</small>

eacl,

Well, I have a couple questions before I can give you the advice that would help best. The first question is HAS the DNA test been done yet?

My second question is do you have any other children with your H? I ask this because from your description of your H's actions, well, you may just be better off letting the D go through and moving on with your life. Why, you may ask, well he has already shown himself to be abusive BEFORE you had the A, and it just may not be the best thing for you to try to reconcile if he has and is still threatening to "ruin you financially, emotionally, and physically"!!!!

You are only 3 weeks into this, and I think that you need to REALLY examine where your M is right now, and where it could go! You need to get yourself into some counceling, regardless of whether your H does or not. Ultimately, your H needs to deal with his anger/abusive issues BEFORE you should ever return to him! The abuse started BEFORE your A, and not that I am excusing or condoning your behavior, but is ultimately what drove you into the A in the first place. And, with the history of threats, and abuse, your H would hava a hard time taking the baby from you. Look into what your rights are. Help yourself, and look into Plan B. Usually, it's the BS(betrayed spouse) who impliments Plan A/B, but in a case of abuse where the WS(wayward spouse) is wanting to repair the M and the BS is not, the WS is the one to use the plans. READ UP on the plans, and you will see why I recommend Plan B. You need to protect yourself, and your child and your H needs to deal with his anger and abusivness!

I hope that I have helped in some way. Read everything that you can on this site, Q&A, FAQ's, Concepts, Recommended reading, anything and everything that you can! Keep posting, and we will be there for you in any way we can!

Tigger

An angry abusive husband with a gun....

Imagine your baby growing inside of you is a girl. You raise her and she is so sweet and good.

Imagine your daughter grows into a fine young woman. She meets a guy, falls in love, marries him. They are so cute and happy together... for awhile.

She later tells you that her husband has hit her a few times, but she still loves him. And she tells you she thinks she deserves getting hit, because she made him so mad he couldn't help himself.

He hits her a few times more. Your daughter feels "guilty" for making her husband so angry that he has to hit her.

She still loves him. You see the bruses on your daughter's body and the vacant look in her eyes. You recognize that her husband is killing your daughter's soul not just abusing her body. He is isolating her. He takes away her phone so she cannot call you and talk to you. He is making her doubt her own sanity. He is controlling her every move.

Your daughter tells you her husband is really REALLY mad right now, and he's got a gun.

What advice would you give your daughter? She stills "loves" him. What would you say? She feels responsible for his anger. What would you say?

Pep

For a marriage to be saved and rebuilt, BOTH spouses must be willing to address their personal issues which contributed to the bad state of the marriage. So far your H has refused to acknowledge that his abusive behavior was an issue that contributed to the breakdown of the marriage and coupled with your continued contact with the OM, your marriage has no chance to recover. You can't force your H to change but you can most certainly change yourself if that is what you want. The fact that you chose men who are abusive and that have no desire to have an emotional relationship with you suggests that you may have some co-dependency issues that must be addressed through counseling before you are well enough to be involved with another man. Please seek out counseling.

The DNA testing has not been done. WE canceled it because I didn't want my husband to know who the other man was. Due to work related issues from his part. My husband has told me that even though he's 99.9% sure the baby is not his, he still wants to take him away from me and then do the testing. I have found myself a good lawyer, and I have been reading so much in this website. This is my first child. We had tried for years and years and never got pregnant. I throught I was the one with the fertility problems. I use to be so angry with God because he wouldn't give me a child. My prayers were answered, but i guess I had to be careful of what I prayed for. I love my boy don't get me wrong and he's the only thing that's keeping me going. What really hurts is that my husband says that he's found someone already after only 1 week that I left. He went online and found someone. He says she's helping him bring down the barriers, counseling - supposedly she's a psychologist major at a university in a Latin American country. I feel I failed him. Why didn't he listen to me? The woman whom he married. I was so honest with him prior to my affair, about my feelings, about everything I had to do. Everything on the honesty page that it said I should follow. He never acknowledged me, or just didn't care what I thought...I slowly started not giving my opinion anymore. I just started retreating to myself. He said that he didn't know me this past year. I just felt that I shouldn't even bother anymore - he wasn't gonna listen, but I still had hope it was going to change. I was hanging on by a thread. He asked why didn't I leave him before I started the affair, and I told him because I loved him and despite it, I wanted him to treat me like I was loved. The site says that infidelity is the worst and selfish form of abuse, and that I have inflicted pain on him. I never meant to cause him pain I really didn't. I know he's suffering, and I know I have my issues to deal with. I am planning on getting counseling at this time I cannot afford it. I left with the clothes on my back when I left him. He canceled the bank accounts, I had to quit my job, I cannot get a teaching job here because the field I am in is saturated. My documents and important papers were all left over there. I have to start everything all over again. I had a beautiful huge home, nice cars, a nice job. I have nothing now, I feel so lost. I have my son, and I am happy that I have him. Now he's thretening to take him away because according to my husband I am a sexual deviant who is unfit to raise a child. I have reached to the web for therapy and found this website, it has helped. I remember when he broke my laptop to pieces one day and I asked him after that to go to counseling with me. He said, "we'll go one time and that's it. Nothing's broke, well just you're laptop - and he smiled" I was so disappointed. I want to save the marriage, but I know that we need time separated. He needs time to cool down and to think things through, it's up to him to get therapy. I am afraid he won't come back and like plan b says that's the risk I have to take. In the meantime my close relatives say i'm better off without him, but they don't know how I feel for him. I don't want to through 7 years of marriage, I do love him. Maybe I'm just paying for my sins now and I'm getting what I deserve.

Posting suggestions...

Break your posts into paragraphs... too difficult to read without paragraph breaks.

Respond to the people who have taken their time to respond to your posts...

If you want to copy what the other poster said to you so you can reply to it... click on the quote marks lhat look like this ---> " " just above that individual post... and you will have that posters words to reply to ... you can delete parts of the quote back if you don't want to respond to the entire quote.

Pep

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by eacl:
In the meantime my close relatives say i'm better off without him, but they don't know how I feel for him. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Like this... I deleted everything in the quote back but this sentence...

Ask yourself... do you want a violent man around your child? Does what you feel for you husband justify exposing the child to violence?

Pep

When reading your post eacl , it brought back some very painful memories of my sister's first husband(she loved him). He was abusive in every way possible;emotionally, phsically, sexually etc....The abuse always continued.
He also had a gun and not only pulled it on her he held it to her belly while she was pregnant w/ one of thier children. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> i'm starting to cry just remembering it and telling you, but I will continue.
Over the yrs they where together he cut her off ,no contact in any form with any of her family and freinds.
In the later yrs. I moved in with them when divorceing my 1st H,
I had to chose many times to proctect the my nephews and niece from him and while protecting them had to listen to him hit her, vebally abuse her and sometimes even heard him sexually asualt her . <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
Right before I moved out he hit me , while I was pregnant with my H"s baby. I kicked his but and left that night. After I moved out he later sexually abused his Own 3 Children. He is in prison for 75 yrs. for what he did to my sister, their children, his niece and others. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
Please, Please,know that his abuse not only hurts and effects you but it also effects your family and frends too!
Please seek consuling to help you through this time. I WILL Be Praying For You & Your Baby
NO EVER DESEARVES TO BE ABUSED ,EVER !!!!!!!!

<small>[ October 31, 2004, 01:24 PM: Message edited by: angels1966 ]</small>

[QUOTE]Originally posted by tigger4jdt:
[QB] eacl,

The first question is HAS the DNA test been done yet?

My second question is do you have any other children with your H?


The DNA testing has not been done yet. The man I had an affair with doesn't want to anymore because of his employment. This is my first child after 7 years of marriage. My baby is 2 months old. I posted the long story earlier. I didn't know how this thing worked, but I think I"m getting better. Thank you for your response.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by angels1966:
<strong> When reading your post eacl , it brought back some very painful memories of my sister's first husband(she loved him). NO EVER DESEARVES TO BE ABUSED ,EVER !!!!!!!! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My husband did not abuse me like every day and it wasn't severe to the point that he left bruises. He was quite verbally abusive and sometimes he would get me in the car and road rage. He said he wanted to kill us both because I was so stupid for not doing something that he asked me to do. I feel lonely and I feel like no one will ever love me. I started this affair in the hope that someone would. Now my husband hates me, and the other man does not want to be involved with me emotionally. I guess i'm getting what I deserve. I am feeling so down I don't know if I ever will see the light. I am reading and trying to cope and tell myself that eventually everything will be fine, but it doesn't feel that way. I can't breathe. I take time like you guys said, but it doesn't help. My heart feels tight and the tears are always rolling down...at any moment. I think of the places we use to go together, my husband and I. The nice times, and I miss that. I just want everything to go away - disappear, never happened. All a big nightmare. But it's real and I can't escape it. I am truly paying for my sins.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by T00MuchCoffeeMan:
<strong> For a marriage to be saved and rebuilt, BOTH spouses must be willing to address their personal issues which contributed to the bad state of the marriage. The fact that you chose men who are abusive and that have no desire to have an emotional relationship with you suggests that you may have some co-dependency issues that must be addressed through counseling before you are well enough to be involved with another man. Please seek out counseling. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I really wanted to address the issues even before the affair. I often asked him to go to counseling with me. He refuses and still refuses. He has however found a woman whom he says has brought down the barriers for him and that she's done what I couldn't do. I will seek for counseling but I can't afford it right now. I have no insurance. Everything I left back in my home. I had to quit my job. I not only lost my husband, but my home, my car, my life. I can't face the fact that I have to start everything all over again.

<small>[ October 31, 2004, 05:27 PM: Message edited by: eacl ]</small>

You might want to consider leaving your baby with relatinves for a few days, going back to your home town and visit your local police station to request a police escort to get some of your things out of your home. Even if your H changed the locks you still have a right to go into your own home to retrive your belongings and important documents. Your H would be very stupid to try anything foolish while the police are there to make sure that the situation doesn't deteriorate into violence. You need to get all of your important documents in order to help you improve your chances of getting another job in your chosen field. Good jobs are still hard to come by and with a baby it becomes a more urgent issue than ever before. So please, for your sake as well as your baby's consider retreiving your most important documents that you left behind

You are being abused. It doesn't matter if it doesn't happen every day or there are no bruises. I am a therapist and have worked in domestic violence. Some of the most painful abuse is of the emotional nature. The constant putdowns, criticisms, threats, undermining one's desireability "no one else would want you!"

Abuse is about control over another...punishing another. Of course there are good times to remember. It's called the "honeymoon" phase of the Cycle of Violence. The promises it won't happen again, or things will be different or better...or they were just feeling tired...or if you just wouldn't have said or done something a certain way..or not said or not done something a certain way...you wouldn't have "forced" them to act that way towards you. Then the pressure typically builds up again, and the next episode of abuse occurs.

As far as you getting what you "deserve"..don't buy it because it isn't true! We all make mistakes...we all do the best we can. You tried to communicate with your husband about your concerns long before the affair. Did you deserve to be ignored, criticized, mocked, threatened then?? NO.

As far as finding someone to help him "bring the walls down"....I doubt it. He might feel more "safe" with her, only because he can tell her anything and she has very few ways to validate how truthful he is. And if she is acting as a "psychologist" to him, that's not an equal, healthy relationship either. Besides, he knows how badly you wanted that to happen with him, so what better way to hurt you?

You need to get help now, if not for yourself then for your son. Domestic Violence counseling is offered in most counties at no cost. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at : 1-800-799-7233 and ask them about services in your area. Even if you don't feel you're being abused, or aren't sure, what would it hurt to go and listen to what they have to say?

You may feel like you're giving up everything and having to start over....but you could end up giving up you life...and your son would have to start all over with a new mama, if he survived.

I don't expect you to accept or believe everything I have said. But would you at least think about it? I do care and am very concerned about you and your son. Just because we make mistakes or aren't perfect doesn't mean we don't deserve to be loved.

Please keep coming here and letting us know how you're doing. We care.

<small>[ October 31, 2004, 11:58 PM: Message edited by: heartfailure ]</small>

[QUOTE]Originally posted by T00MuchCoffeeMan:
[QB] You might want to consider leaving your baby with relatinves for a few days, going back to your home town and visit your local police station to request a police escort to get some of your things out of your home.

At this time I am unable to go. I am 1500 miles away from where I use to live. I had no family support over there, that's why I had to fly over here. My lawyer has adviced me not to go back home for my safety. So I think I"m stuck here and have to request all my documents all over again. It's costing a fortune, but my mother has been very supportive.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by heartfailure:
<strong> You are being abused. It doesn't matter if it doesn't happen every day or there are no bruises.
Abuse is about control over another...punishing another. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thank you for your support. I am calling that number. At this point I feel that I am very messed up. He has left messages that this woman he met recenly on my voice mail. She's telling him how much she loves him. I can't help to feel jealous, but I know I have no right to be because of what I did to him. I know plan B says I should not have contact with him. At this point I wish I could call him and tell him I want him back and that I'm sorry. I want him to forgive me. He's so hurt and shows more anger towards me. My mind tells me how stupid I am for wanting to go back with him, but my heart tells me another thing. I was the type of person who always said that the first time someone talked to me the way he did, or even lay a hand on me I would leave right away. Now I find myself in this situation. I can't help but say taht I love him and I wish I was back with him.