I used to be killnme, but I changed my name to reflect the path I am choosing. You said on a thread to NTMO that others on the GQll board can coach her. I am not proficient at posting a quote, so I just copied and pasted it.

""Well... if YOU want to give it a try.... there is a small army of MBers on GQII who would be willing to coach you. Particularly JL.""

Anyway, my point is although my H and I are newly in recovery I have issues with truly working on myself and not focusing on the XOW or the A. With OC in the near future, I feel I need to be fully committed to my 1/2 of improving our M. We have a terrific MC, but most of those sessions are focused on my H because he has so many issues. This leaves me with very few outlets for the pain and confusion I still feel from the A. I want to move past it. My H has done many things to show me that our M is what he is committed to, but he is an avoider so many things are left unsaid. I need to know how to deal with ME and MY issues without driving my H away. I am looking for your suggestions on how to begin.

Thank you and sorry for the long message.

FF

We have a terrific MC, but most of those sessions are focused on my H because he has so many issues.

Well, thank God you have a terrific MC.

This leaves me with very few outlets for the pain and confusion I still feel from the A. I want to move past it.

I know that moving "past it" sounds good... but in reality, you must move "through it". You cannot avoid the pain, it is a part of the healing process.

My H has done many things to show me that our M is what he is committed to, but he is an avoider so many things are left unsaid.

What are some of the important positive things your H has shown you? Make a list.

Then, what do you think are the things that are being avoided, left unsaid? Make a separate list... and we can discuss.

I need to know how to deal with ME and MY issues without driving my H away. I am looking for your suggestions on how to begin.

If solving problems drives you husband away ... then I am a monkey's uncle!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

What is something about you that needs your self-evaluation?

Pep

What are some of the important positive things your H has shown you? Make a list.

Then, what do you think are the things that are being avoided, left unsaid? Make a separate list... and we can discuss.

Ok, positive changes:

)Keep in mind this is from a man that has huge intimacy issues)
There is warmth in his hugs and kisses
He no longer retreats into himself every evening
He is willing to share child rearing duties
Helps D with homework
sleeps in the bed with me every night
Held me and tried to comfort me after a terrible emotional breakdown of mine the other night
Continues with MC even though very painful and focused on him
returned all cards/letters to XOW
says he wants M to work/loves me

My issues:

My anger and weepiness
my lack of self esteem
my inability to focus
anger/resentment towards XOW
can't stop replaying the "movies" in my head of the A, I guess kind of obessing over it

What I mean by driving my H away, is I try to hold everything in and then it becomes to much or there is a trigger and it all comes out once. He just can't take it.

I am trying to focus on myself and my spiritual growth but I can't seem to get through all this.

Any insight you can offer would be appreciated.

FF

This would be a great issue to bring up with your MC. In front of him.

An idea. If it is ok with your MC. Run it by MC first.

Set aside an hour or so each week. That time is specifically to address your needs and feelings as pertaining to the affair.

Any quesitons? Ask them in this time. Feelings driving you nuts? Write them in a journal to discuss at that time. Then do it. No matter what, when the time is up, it's up. Thank him for being honest then go and do something else. No matter how angry you are, or how upset you are stop at the designated time. That way he will learn to feel save in discussing this, at that time and not have to worry about you blowing and any given time. It removes the eggshells he may have been walking on. PLUS it teaches you how to take control of the raging emotions. What may have been driving you nuts one day, may not be a big deal on Thursday.

And if you do this, don't beat the verbal heck out of him if he answers or explains or whatever. TALK about it.

If your problem is the on going movie in your head, calmly and with detail, explain exactly what it is. Example: "honey, sometimes I start thinking and all I see is you and her........and it hurts so bad.........."

Another real good exercise is for you to write down questions for him, then instead of you asking them, he asks YOU. Then you answer them the way YOU think it was. This was a huge eye opener for my husband. You will be amazed at how far off base you really are. When I was telling him how romantic, etc. it all must have been his eyes were wide. He was shocked at what my mind had made up. He then told me that the back seat of a Truck is hardly romantic. He was even more embarrassed at how seedy it all was.

But don't hide your issues here. This is MC, not you sitting in on his IC. You both should be gaining an understanding here.

<small>[ November 01, 2004, 06:21 PM: Message edited by: LynnG ]</small>

Take a look at this post on GQII... it's about the BS pain after D day...

The reason I'd like you to read this is so you will understand that what your reaction is... well, it's nomal. And this is written by someone without an OC involved.

Go to this link:

The pain of D-day written by Bob Pure

Let me know what you think.

Pep

Lynn G

Thank you for your reply. I like your idea of setting aside time just for this topic. I do agree that he needs to feel safe that I won't bring it up all the time or go past the designated time. I took your advice and got some of my feelings and issues out in our MC last night. Another very painful but very productive session and this time I didn't feel like I was sitting in on his IC.

Pep,

Thanks for the link. Wow is my response. I guess since I am only 4 months past DDAy 2 my feelings are normal. I never really looked at it though my H having more time to think through his thoughts and feelings than me, of course he did. He knew about the A resuming, I didn't. We had a chance to chat a little after MC last night and I got to ask him why he chose to come back to our M. I wish it was that he was passionately in love with me, but mostly it was for our D & S and he wanted to honor his marriage vows. I admire those reasons. He says he has a strong attachement to me and yes love for me. Do you think perhaps it is too soon for me to expect him to be completely over XOW? He seems to have no desire for C with her and says he no longer misses her, but maybe he misses those euphoric feelings of being "in love"?

Pep, How do I work through this and build up my self so I don't feel so vulnerable? I will take Lynn G's advice on how not to explode on my H. I don't want to kill his love for me, nor do I want to lose my love for him. I have so many days that I just want to give up, not sure I want to deal with the potential drama of OC.

Thanks,

FF

Do you think perhaps it is too soon for me to expect him to be completely over XOW? He seems to have no desire for C with her and says he no longer misses her, but maybe he misses those euphoric feelings of being "in love"?

This time frame is normal as well. The "feelings" he misses are endorphin-based. Try this: ask your H if you and he can start working out together. Walking, or running, any sort of physical work outs, going to the gym ___> TOGETHER.... that also raises endorphins... but this time, it will be associated with time spent with you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />


Pep, How do I work through this and build up my self so I don't feel so vulnerable?

You ARE vulnerable. Your feelings are true enough. One the the hardest parts of recovery is the vulnerability issue. This goes along with the big "T" ---> trust.

Here's my advice:

Begin to trust God first. (Or whatever higher power that works for you) Surrender to that God, and ask for help and Grace.

Then... begin to trust YOURSELF next. Trust your strength to endure the hard times. Trust your intelligence. Trust your values. Trust your judgements. Trust your desire to recover. This self-trust preceeds trusting ---> the formerly unfaithful husband.

Once you trust yourself to survive no matter what (this takes at least 6 months, sometimes longer) ...then you can begin to trust your H little by little. (If he is behaving in a trustworthy manner)

Then, once you trust God, trust yourself and your own abilities, the feeling of vulnerability are less and less.

I may not post much I am getting ready for a conference.

I will try to look in again a little later. I will return from the conference Saturday or Sunday.

An important recovery tool is a personal journal. Where you journal your strengths and what you have learned bout yourself.

Pep

Thank you so much, this is a great start. Enjoy your conference.

FF

Begin to trust God first. (Or whatever higher power that works for you) Surrender to that God, and ask for help and Grace .

Pep,
I wanted to update you after a couple of days. During MC on Monday my H said he wanted to take care of the OC/OW issue on his own schedule which our MC said requires ME to trust that he will put our family's need first. She acknowledged that this would be difficult for me but asked if I could try to back off. We ended MC with sort of a stalemate over this issue. On the way home it hit me and I turned to H and said "I am not able to trust that you will put our needs (me and our C)first, however, I CAN trust the God will protect us through whatever comes our way". I am spending time each day in prayer and each day I ask God to protect me and my children as well as my marriage. Such a relief from carrying that heavy load by myself! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Anyway, my point is since that time I have felt much better and my anxiety is nearly gone because I had missed the obvious. I was trying to trust in my H too soon and it was hurting me, but I can always trust in the Lord!

My H is continuing to show me a side of him I have not seen in years (if ever). He makes himself available to me emotionally and physically. He tries not to criticize me all the time (this was a real problem especially during the A) and no longer flees when I am hurting.

I guess this is the long way to saying I am feeling better. Thanks for the first step in taking care of ME.

FF

I will *never* trust my husband the way I trust God (100%) .

It was my mistake to trust my H 100% before his A.

NO HUMAN is 100% trustworthy... not me, not you, not our husbands.

Once we let go of that idea of 100% trust... it is such a lighter load!

Happy you noticed.

Pep

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by faithful follower:
H said he wanted to take care of the OC/OW issue on his own schedule which our MC said requires ME to trust that he will put our family's need first. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I really need to comment on this...

I am a HUGE fan of POJA...

And that tool POJA takes practice... and this would be a wonderful decision for you and your H to practice POJA (policy of joint agreement)

Basically, if your H comes to a OW/OC decision that you cannot enthusiastically support... the decision should wait until there is a mutually supportable choice on the table. (and I don't mean supportable by OW ... this is a "marriage only" POJA)

I request that you read the POJA elements of Harley's concepts .... and come back to this thread so we can discuss how POJA may be a much better marital tool than "backing off" as your MC suggested.

Pep

Thank you, Pep. I have printed out the the following for me and my H to read. The Policy of Joint Agreement, Four Guidlines for Successful Negotiation and Summary of Dr. Harley's concepts. I will read them through and ask my H to read. Do you think this is a good topic to bring up during our MC session tonight?

You may want to discuss the ~concept~ of POJA with your H first, and ASK HIM if he thinks that would be a good topic for MC...

see, this way, you demonstrate a POJA "attitude" even before you impliment it bilaterally <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Pep