Here is my story. On Valentines Day 2004 I married the love of my life. We always said we were soulmates to each other and has never met somebody we loved so much. We had our share of problems, but everything seemed to be going good. My wife became pregnant and we had discussed abortoin due to the timing of the pregnancy and our financial position. We decided to keep it and do the best we could. I was really starting to get excited for our new arrival, til last week 10-23-04. My WW had confessed to me that she had a one night stand during a period of time in which I was in the hospital for a chronic condition I have. She has had two ultrasounds since becoming pregnant and both show that the conception date was during the time I was hospitalized so we are really sure that there is no chance the baby is mine. Here is where it gets really ugly. The ONS she had was with a man of a different race than I am. I am in such a special kind of hell here. I have talked to my WW and told her that I could forgive her and work toward a "R" but could not raise the baby as my own. She has said that there is NO way she would consider putting the baby up for adoption. So we are both just hanging on waiting for the other to change thier mind. I just don't think I could possibly pick up the shattered pieces of my heart and pride and raise a baby of a different race. I so wish there were other options for us because we both say we dont want, nor know how to, let go and move on. She say's that if I loved her enough we could get past this and be a family. I say if she loved me enough we wouldn't be in this position. but, none-the-less we are here. I am wrong to want her to give the baby up for adoption and let us move on? OH GOD! please help me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Are you concerned about the race of the child, or the fact that it would be obvious that the child was not your own? Search your heart and try to understand the true reason why you feel that way. A child is a child no matter what the race. I sorry to hear your story and wish you all the best no matter what decision you choose. This is not the type of pain that one should have to undergo, but if you stick around long enough these people have some great advice and hearing other stories may also help you get through this. Just dont make any drastic decisions.

I feel like such a racist. but in my heart I do not believe I am. I am most concerned with the raised eyebrows people would give me and the constant reminder to eveyone I know just what my wife had done to our marriage. I feel that if it were the same race I might easier cope with it because we could keep it to ourselves and my shattered pride would not have to endure anymore. I feel horrible for thinking this way, but I just dont think I could deal with it. It is truly unfortunate for this innocent baby, I wish in my heart I could love her and give her the life she deserves.

SOM, I want to welcome you and please look at this link.
Welcome

I can say that your heart is heavy and I understand that. Search your heart. Pray alot and read some of the material here. We are here for you and I'm sure if pops and some of the other guys, will be along soon.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D.

Think of it this way... What if the child was the same race as you, but didn't look anything like you would you still not hurt? Even if you wanted to keep the child between you and your W, does she want that as well? Or does she want to have c with M? Regardless of who knows or the looks you may get the war is going to happen moreso in the home, until you guys deal with this together maybe get some counseling. As in my situation the oc is a constant reminder of what happened and it has nothing to do with race. Arguments about visitation, cs, and a whole range of things are going to be a reminder. Everyday when I think Im ok things always come up, but I do love this child regardless. Dont focus on the race issue, focus on if you can overcome this obstacle of an oc in your home. Sometimes things happen in our lives that we at the moment dont understand why, but if you just trust in God and know that he will never take you through more than you can handle you may find that this child is a blessing to your life. Pray, pray, and pray because it may be the only comfort you may find in the beginning. I think most of your worries lie amongst what people are going to think of you and your W. Do you live around people of other races this may be what your worrying about as well?

shell-of-a-man,

Here is an article by Dr Willard Harley Jr titled What To Do When You (Or Your Spouse) Becomes Pregnant With A Lover's Child . Consider the following excerpt:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"There are many important issues to consider in deciding your future together. If your daughter were your only child, and if your wife were still in love with her ex-lover, who happened to be single and wanted to marry her, I would lean toward encouraging you to divorce."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you beleive that you cannot love the child your W is carrying then please consider divorcing her. She has stated her steadfastness in not wanting to give up her child for adoption and you your steadfastness not to raise a child from a different racial background. This is a situation where there doesn't seem to be a mutually satisfactory agreement that would satisfy the two of you. In a situation where there were a few years before the infidelity occured I would not say the following but the simple fact that she was unfaithful to you just a short time after she got married to you may be very ominous sign of what is yet to come if you decide to remain married to her. You've got a lot of soul searching to do before you can make a wise decision.

Good luck.

Shell,
I wanted to add a few thoughts to my response to you over on the Just Found Out board.

One of the thoughts I posted there is that it's not an issue of race but it is an issue of the fact that the baby, child, young adult will be an eternal reminder of your wife's inconsiderate immature behavior.

I want to ammend what I said. The above is true, of course but the fact that the baby is of a different race will amplify your feelings of humiliation.

Humiliation, whether real or perceived, is an issue that all BSs (IMHO especially male ones) stuggle with and try to deal with. A same race "infidelity child" can cause some of these feelings especially if the child doesn't look anything like the parents. You'll get the questions like, "who in the family tree does the child look like?" These questions will be a reminder to you of the infidelity

Magnify those feelings by 100x when the child is of a different race. Every look, every question even every innocent smile will remind you of your "wife's" mistake and the associated feelings of humiliation.

If you're from a small town most everyone will know the truth. If you're from a larger city, strangers and acquaintances will assume that the child was adopted. Of course people who will have known you since the birth of the child ie family and close friends will know the truth.

Have you ever had feelings of humiliation? I hadn't until my wife had her affair. It sent me into a tailspin of depression, self-loathing, anxiety and humiliation.

Other than my wife and I only three other people know of the affair (that I know of) To this day when I'm in the presence of any of the these three people I have feelings of humiliation. I become reserved. I don't participate. Two of the three are family members while the third is my wife's best friend. I don't like speaking to her when she calls. I avoid her when we are in groups. It brings on feelings that I don't like but can't seem to control. Hyper anxiety mixed with melancholy is a way to describe it.

Maybe you'll be different. Maybe you'll not have these feelings of humiliation that reoccur 12, 18 & 24 months after DDay.

I hope you are a stronger person than I am.

Shell, I wish you well on this long road.

Mac

<small>[ November 02, 2004, 11:12 AM: Message edited by: cwmac ]</small>

cwmac....Could not have said it better myself. It's really hard to deal with the shattered pride and extreme humiliation. I am not that strong. I wish I was, but unfortunately I am not.