OW with an OC typically has so much trouble with visitation. One of the big things you hear is that they fear the BW will harm the child. Yet, when a M couple divorces and MM moves onto OW and there are children involved from his M, the BW needs to deal with/get over the fact the OW will be around her children.

This double standard has been bothering me for a while now... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

FMWB,

I must admit I have been wondering the same thing for a year now! Why would they assume that we ( BS ) would harm an innocent child if we decided on C? We are not the guilty parties here! We have done nothing morally wrong - in fact it would be very big and kind hearted for any BS to even consider C! So if they are going to allow (again I mean allow) OC in their household then be very clear that they (BS) have thought it trough a long time.

They also would have to have an unsurmountable (?) amount of love in their hearts to do so!

So what the heck do they (OW) mean by that comment? Or why would it even be necessary - if the MM chose his family it will be something they'll either have to get over or deal with as it comes, just as the BS will have to get use to it.

JT

Because too many people look for ways to hurt each other. Unless you have a rock solid evidence that something has happened. The mother thing takes over. "How can she/he love my child like I do"? Too many times people use children and its sad. Weither be in D or OW/OC BS/BC issues. It is sad and what are we teaching our children. Am I "bad" because we have C and I love this child as my own. Some poeple have said I am teaching my child to "except" this type of behavior from her F. I say nope, she know the comandments. She knows right from wrong and she knows everyone makes mistakes. She also sees a Mom that is loving and caring, no mater where you came from.


How did Jesus love us enough to get on that cross? He gave himself for us.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Why would they assume that we ( BS ) would harm an innocent child if we decided on C? We are not the guilty parties here! We have done nothing morally wrong - in fact it would be very big and kind hearted for any BS to even consider C! So if they are going to allow (again I mean allow) OC in their household then be very clear that they (BS) have thought it trough a long time.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why couldn't this conversation have happened 2 weeks ago??? LOL Most likey Xow would have not printed this to actually show that some BW do love the Oc like there own.

I think it reflects far more on those ow and their way of thinking. The selfish, me me me attiude they seem to have, always their needs above anyone else. They thought nothing of participating in an affair, thus hurting other people, so they think that ALL women are like that. Because SHE is ok with hurting others she just assumes all people are like that.

Look at Sunny. She is having contact and has gone above and beyond what would be expected of her. Think of the class and grace she has shown in this. Now think of the ridiculus ow she has. Expecting to see the room? How stupid does she look now? Did she think the oc was going to sleep on a box on the porch? Imagine how uncomfortable and ugly that ow must have felt in the presence of such goodness and grace that is Sunny?

Maybe it's cause ow are so mean and selfish they can't grasp the concept of love and forgivness at all. They can't quite understand how a couple can move past this. Basically, they don't understand real love at all. It is so sad that they equate sex with love. That is why I think they always say the wife is blaming them for the affair too. They don't get it at all. They don't undestand what love and commitment is. That people (MM) can and do make big mistakes and live to regret them dearly. They just don't get it. They don't understand the true meaning of marriage, love, commitment and how love and forgiveness works.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by sunnydale:
<strong> "How can she/he love my child like I do"?</strong> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I won't & don't, I will only love OC like I do. Which I think is pretty darn good-just ask my OWN kids! I think those OW playing that card, have a hard time accepting the fact that BW/step-mom's are NOT out to replace OC mom. Only to be the best step-mom they can be.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Am I "bad" because we have C and I love this child as my own.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No way, how could you be? But am I bad if I don't? I don't think so. Or if my H & I decide that NC really IS the best thing for our family? Some people (not you sunnyd)think so & those are the ones that annoy me. The ones that can't understand that there is NO black & white answer here. I believe in black & white & for the first time in MY life I had to realize there was this grey area. I can't stand it, I want easy answers, definate right & wrong but there just isn't. SO the black & white is determined by what is BEST for the marriage & family in the marriage!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> <strong>Some poeple have said I am teaching my child to "except" this type of behavior from her F.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And some say I am teaching my kids the same thing PLUS the fact that you can walk away from your 'problems'. huh? How about teaching my kids that decisions have consequences & BAD decisions have even worse consequences! How about my kids learning that you can love & forgive someone but there are STILL consequences? And THIS type of situation, in a marraige, can be VERY destructive & EVERYBODY gets hurt. Sometimes there is NO happy ending & not everybody gets along.

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Then sometimes there are plain ol' control issues from OW. Ok so she may realize that she is not valued by xMM, but she will create her value within the context of determining & making decisions regarding OC. That is what I think. (imo)

Thanks for the responses. I have been reading everhopeful's story on general and divorcing boards, it made me so mad. There is often no consideration for how the children of the M deal with all of this.

They often have the OP thrust upon them so they can attempt to buddy up to them. Then you constantly hear (from WS/OP) how the children are not as affected by it as we say, yet years later there they are, in therapy. Dealing with their own A, or the fact they married someone just like their cheating parent.

Trust me, I was one of those in therapy, dealing with my own A. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />