Preface: I am NOT saying contact is the answer for everyone b/c it is NOT.

But contact holds a set of issues which non-contactors don't have to deal with. Contactors seem to be in minority (for good reasons!).

I'd like to "collect" who is contact and talk about how WE cope. I feel like if I complain about contact feelings here, I'm only going to be told "quit contact!" I don't think that is the answer for my family right now.

Compare that to people talking about how hard recovery is being told "just quit your marriage". It is NOT the same, I know, but I'd like to be able to discuss contact without the auto-matic "just quit" solution being the "answer". kwim?

So, contact-ors, how are you?!?!
"Jenny"
contact w/6yo OC

Hi Jenny,

I do have contact w/ OC, I sent u an email.

We started out having contact with child and things seemed to have been going well until the cs was finalized. She now is keeping child from us and told us if we want to see him we needed to establish visitation, and even then she may not comply. That she doesnt need us in his life and that she doesn't care if my H ever sees his son again. She states we dont have any rights to him just because H pays cs. To me this is extremely unfair and why should a man be forced to support a child when he does not have rights to the child. Its like she forcing us spend even more money taking her to court, which takes from the other kids. I guess she feel like this his punishment for not continuing the affair with her, and playing family with her. Im really starting to rethink think this thing because it is really getting on my nerves and H and I argue when oc is discussed, because I told him not to even bother taking her to court. It a waste of our time and hard earned money. WE have other children to raise. I love the oc but I will not stand by and watch ow manipulate H and I.

J, We have C and so far, so good. I have prayed since day one that all three of us could some how grow up and become the adults we needed to be. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> Well prayers so work and we have all grown to see this situation for what it is and was. I think C should be prayed about, talked about and dicussed as a team. Being M and working on a alread strained M, being together on things is where you build the trust and regain the relationship your M was ment to be. I never considered NC. I grew up w/a brother and sister that NEVER knew their father. I saw first hand what it can cause. I knew my mother did what was best for her family, but I saw what and how my B&S felt. And with my H not having a mom growing up and dealing w/ SEVERAL step moms. I have decided to be an exception to the rule. In this day and age there are more and more BLENDED families. And knowing that water and oil doesn't mix, I will be sugar, it works w/ water, it blends better.
My advise to anyone seeking C is:

Has to be a team thing. up front, honest about your feelings w/ spouse. Remember your family has rights and use the law! You have to. Everything in writting, Cover all basis, all ages, all situations. I would find a parenting plan on the computer that goes w/ the state you live in and just discuss everything up front. What would be best for the family. Find out what your rights are, the visitations EVERYTHING. The more prepaired you are the better off you will be.
Dont be a team against the OW, but a team for your family and the right to have the OC in your life. If you/ow plays games, guess what the judge will see it. If you are tring to what is best for the children, he will see it. If not he will see that too. Dont say anything that can/and will be used against you. Tame your anger and tongue. Remember having C is a gray world, cant be black and white, has to be give and take on both ends. Dont worry if the ow doesn't want to give, no sweat, USE THE LAW! As long as you show an example of working for the good of the children, you will come out on top. C doesn't come w/o the expence. My belief anything worth having is worth fighting for! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I am a step mom, thats all I want to be. I really know my place and I'm ok w/ it. I know what I DONT have to do and what I do, is what in my heart saids is right. I get more w/ being sugar, than with being oil. I hope that helps or email if you like. Praying for your family! Keep the faith!.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

neicy, I got it. Will get back to you when i can, k?

ndiy, what a b-word she is!!! That does not bode well for contact. I'm sorry it came down to lawyers and I hope you and hubby keep working towards joint policy of agreement; I think poja is SO critical to marriages. Don't let this break a great recovery. I'm sure it's hard, tho.

sunny, you are such as inspiration to me at times! I recognize the whole "catch more flies with honey" southern thing ya got goin' there (i'm so not southern), but it was pretty cool how you and H played good cop/bad cop w/xow when she came over, and you look like the sweetie she should be GRATEFUL for!! Woohoo and two thumbs up!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I'm both excited AND scared about contact. I like OC. And I feel like God had a hand in our being here, that I shouldn't fight.

Dealing w/xow and explain/not explaining to OTHER people, those I struggle with. Since we had 6y of no visitation and it's OBVIOUS that something's fishy (non-twins the same age)... Sigh. Awkward, uncomfortable ...

Keep postin'!

Jenny,

No problem, I post on MSN too, so we can talk there!

Jenny, I can totally relate to the explaining of the 'all-of-a-sudden' child in your family. LOL

We began C when OC was 4.5 yo.
We are currenlty in NC for the past 3 mos.
OC is now almost 7.

It's hard when the $$$$$ runs out (for lawyers---as if we had any to begin w/) & OW is playing visitation games. Add to that my own child physically suffering. (too much stress)

I am praying for a miracle though. I don't believe NC is forever. @ first I only prayed alone, w/o telling H. But then I spoke to him about it. SO now he knows I am praying for OW to come to her senses regarding OC relationsip w/ us. And hopefully @ some point we can/will resume C.

I do know that GOD does miracles. What I AM totally perplexed about was.......LAST summer (2003), I was fervently praying becaues C was taking a serious toll on our family--due to OW not agreeing to anything-back & forth in court blah, blah blah blah-then after a few sessions w/ therapist/ acting as mediator----(all 3 of us)OW agrees to everything-------So halleluyah! I thought our prayers were answered.

That lasted a few months (until AFTER final hearing <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ) before we could clearly see that OW meant NOTHING she said she agreed too & OW started to change all the schedules again---saying she NEVER agreed in the first place. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

So my confusion comes from----WHAT WAS THAT?---did I misread God or what? Is HIS will for our family really NC? That's what I think about things for us right now.

Still gonna keep praying & sending OC letters & stuff--even w/ no replies---EVER in 3 months. Kind of discouraging but I keep thinking it's NOT OC responsibility to keep a relationship w/ us but OURS to keep a relationship w/ her. kwim?

Makes you wonder though doesn't it?
Sorry for the TJ.
***********
***********
How are things for YOU right now?
So how do YOU deal w/ explanations?

Most of our friends kinda knew but I just told people straight out. MOST people won't ask questions or really go into it w/ you.

Some would be like, "Ooooh who's this?" I'd just say, "oh my step-daughter" & leave them w/ their confused looks or if they were closer friends I'd add "oh we've been married X amount of years & Oc is X years old, do the math & I'm sure you can figure it out" & give them a big smile, then I'd leave them w/ their jaws on the floor.

LOL LOL-if they were shocked-oh well-not my problem----shouldn't have asked. If they wanted to know more-I was open to tell them. I had nothing to hide or be ashamed of. Usually people were very gracious & showed concern & support for ME & then would be impressed that H & I were still together. Talk about a living breathing testimony!

ooo
xxx
kt

Hi...
My family currently has contact. Our OC is 11 mos. old. She is such a doll. We've already been to court for child support and for visistation. So the legal stuff is done for now. Hopefully forvever. lol
H has had problems with boundaries with OW. Not like "in love" stuff. Just OW wanting him to listen to all of her life stuff. He can't stand it and she doesn't listen when he says he doesn't want to talk about her life.
But for the past couple of months, things have been going good. I don't talk to OW. H does all of that. I figure that is part of his "punishment". If you knew the OW and how she likes to talk and talk and talk.....you would understand.

ent

Jenny

I'm in an odd situation. I currently have NC with Xmm since July. Our daughter made some acusations against him so I ended contact. I will say things have been alot better since it ended and the kids (5 yr G & 3yr B) don't miss him or want to see him.

As for H Oc, we have contact but are having problems with Xow. She is playing games, her way or the highway. Like normal visits are fine when she needs something. Right now Oc is in the custody of the state, Xow lost custody due to neglect. She is still playing games so H is having a hard time getting custody of Oc.

i'm new here and i read a few of your posting and from what i've read you make h xow out to be quen of all b***hs. We all now all us women to have a short fuse we can have our bad moment but how much wroce can h xow be

Heart, First of welcome to MB......alot of ow are not that bad from my experience....but some them like to play games but remember we only hear one side of things. and it is hard to post info here because you really don't want to reveal alot info you don't know who is reading these post i guess but so far no problem here

DS...Isn't this site for people to have someone to talk to and get advice from other people. How am i suppose to give other people advice when i can't get the whole story ?

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> you are here to help and to receive help right ........... some people don't like to tell the whole story they might think your gang up on somone... so be careful and i guess cm had her post copied and was hold against her so you might want to be careful want you post because you might be next i'm not tring to scare you away because it sound like you need to be here to get some advice on you problem. i think everyone is with me when i say this glad you are here hope things get better for you(because sound like you need it keep in touch) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ November 02, 2004, 11:42 PM: Message edited by: DRAWSTRING ]</small>

I see so basically this wouldn't be a good thing for me to be doing is shareing all my info on here with people not knowing whose reading or what not... well i guess i'll just have to watch what i say thanks for the advice

Kinda but i would like to help you but what i was saying was don't put names to the faces. pretty much so please stay in touch i also know other boards you can go to too.

ALright....So really how much advice can these people give me is any of it good

Thank you KT, entwife, crazymum, and drawstring.

KT, if it's someone I don't know well, I just let them flounder, like you describe. A neighbor, parents at sports... whatever.

There's one family we see weekly who knew us and XOW (during the A); that makes it harder for me, more shameful somehow. It knots my stomach and I should tell her to get it over with.

My 6yo mentions OC whenever she feels like it, so i expect to be faced w/reactions a lot.

A lot of long distance relatives/friends/acquaintances ask me how we are, and OC is such a BIG (hello--HUGE!!) change in my mind, but I always hesitate to discuss her... still don't most of the time. But why keep it a "secret" NOW? I don't know.

crazymum, I hope things improve for you guys.

entw, I understand. Sometimes I feel similarly about my H. Haha on you, honey! YOU deal w/Nutcase.

heartbroken, welcome to MB. It's a great board. Personally, I think xow have a higher-than-average rate of Being Difficult. Remember "h*ll hath no fury like a woman scorned" ?? Everyone's emotions are so high, sometimes we're immature; it's usu. worse that blended families after divorce, ya know?

<small>[ November 03, 2004, 01:21 PM: Message edited by: Jenny ]</small>

hello, we are going to do the contact thing too, only don't know how yet. does anyone else have the situation where they have the oc in their family? it is me and my husband, and then the other man who wants to meet his son and stay in contact. I don't know how to deal with it or if I should do something legal.