Hello everyone!
Im writing to get some advice on what i should do as a BS,who is separated from her H,but he has asked me to move back home.
The issue im faced with is "why does he want me home?" i did ask him but all he said was "if i tell you why u wont believe me anyway". The 2nd issue is he is still afraid to talk with the other woman in front of me(they have a child together) and last but not least is who should be calling who when it comes to the oc.
any advice is appreciated

M, I will tell you that the first thing you need to do is a POJA
Look here
POJA

How old is the OC? How long has he been out of the house and has he been living w/. the ow?
And also read under the Basic concepts, you need to work on your M and then the oc issues, if possible. Does he want C or NC? How do you feel?

Basic Concepts:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html

PLEASE read over these. They do help if you start off where you are w/ them! We are praying for you and look forward in talking to you !
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mischele,
First off the contact with the ow must cease. In order for you two to get a steady foothold on your marriage the ow must be left out, including oc for now.

He will probably lie for a while longer about contact with ow. I am hoping you ask him if he wants you to come home (which if is not abusive, I'd do), he must begin to protect your feelings and stop all contact for whatever reason, with ow.

He should be able to allow you to check his cell phone or whatever else you must do to know he's on the up and up.

Once contact has ceased, the two of you would benefit from counseling. The Harleys deal with this exact betrayal and offer expert advice to help you each recover.

You need to focus on you and your marriage leaving ow/oc out of the mix until you are emotionally able to discuss the matter.

I know you are hurting. I know you are confused. Your H is sending mixed messages right now.

He must get off that infidelity fence and jump on your side and show it with actions.

Prayers to you sweetie,
love
Debi

SUNNYD,
MY H was living with the ow/oc for about 2months and then he decided to come home,but im still out of the house.
I know my h wont go for nc with the oc, im ready to except that on a few conditions.
Yet im still afraid to tell him how i really feel about those issues.

Yet im still afraid to tell him how i really feel about those issues.


Mishele,

I just wondered why you are afraid to tell him how you feel? Has there been some abuse? Sorry if that is not the case, but your feelings are real and you should be able to share them with your H.
Sorry you are dealing with all of this.

FF

mishele,
As soon as your H knew you found out what did he do?

He moved home.

It says he wants you. Ok.

Well if he expects you to just "put it in the past" and accept whatever the fallout is...well you had better get counseling and speak up for what you feel. Or rather how you are feeling.

This is your husband of some 13 years, right?

You two have three children, right?

If he wants YOU and his family, he better show some actions that compliment that.

He cannot say one thing and do another...it will cause the marriage to end.

Speak up without yelling. Tell him of your horrific pain.

He is not a mindreader and has to begin to know your needs. He won't know unless you tell him.

What is more frightening than what you already know?

That he'll leave?

Maybe you can print out the POJA and the honesty policy and show him.

I have a feeling he's caught between you two right now.

Act like his "life partner" You know him. Think back to your younger days together, what worked then? Use that way of talking to tell him your fears, needs and love for him. Tell him you want him for life. Tell him his lack of honesty will surely kill any love you have left for him.

Above all else take care of finances for your 3 kids. File for a legal seperation now. It is not divorce.

If he balks, then tell him it is to protect your 3 kids together.

He will act or react to that.

He needs to open up with you or you will wither away from the pain.
I assure you that you will have better days.

C'mon Mishele. Do something for you now.

All reading this....Mishele is a very close friend who helped me out back in 2000-2001 when I needed a friend.

LynnG or anyone else here, please help me help her.
I steered her here when she first told me.

All the oldies reading please help and let her know that her H is in the fog.

She's a real doll who is in intolerable pain, while working and raising her 3 kids...virtually alone.

I love her and want this to be a place for her to come and vent and get help.

Calling all you angels.
love
Debi

Hello faithful flower and Gem,
Im afraid to say anything because, he puts the blame on me. Im admitting what i did was wrong ( i didnt have an affair) but iam admitting i made mistakes.

The blame always gets put on me, he cant seem to take responibilities for his actions or for what he did. That is why im afraid to say anything.

And Debi, im trying real hard to deal with this.

mishele,
I know you're trying really hard.

Thing is, if you do nothing to improve this situation, you'll remain in limbo.

Your H should be doing all he can to protect you and your feelings if you are who he wants to be with!

An emergency counseling session with the Harleys will benefit you both. They will take an hour to explain to your H just what is bothering you and give soloutions for resolve the situation.

I think your H is truly in a fog. He may or may not have loving feelings for ow, but if he still loves you he has to show it.

By sneaking to call ow (no matter what the reason) will only add to your pain. Ask him to turn the situation around just one time, how would he feel or react to you doing that?

Sweetie, if he still won't budge, you may need a quick planB.
Save the love you have for him before it is too late.
During planB, you will work on yourself, get your nails done, see a movie, go out to eat, shop, whatever it takes to help you feel confident again. All the while having no conversations or contact with your H. None.

This time allows him to see life without you. He never really saw that.

Allow it some time.

Write the letter of planB telling him his actions are killing your love for him. Tell him that your love will be lost unless he comes with some concrete plans on stopping all contact with ow. He cannot be married to you and expect you to be alright with him still talking to ow. There is only room for TWO in your marriage, and his talking to her is disrespectful.

Again, mishele. The oc/ow must be on a back burner until you guys get a DNA, establish paternity, set up child support with a lawyer.

If you don't do something soon, he'll be content to keep on seeing just how much you can take and it will for sure end your marriage.

Now either counsel with him, or planB.

You deserve so much better than this. You won't get better if you stay stuck, paralized by fear, afraid to talk.

If he won't listen to your heart, why keep going on daily without any answers? How happy will you be?

I'm pulling and praying for you.

When you are ready to do what is necessary, you'll simply get up one day and do it.

love
Debi

M, reading your story I would like you to look at this web site. Please read some of the materials there and see if your H fits into these different cat. Hope this helps in your search for the right thing to do for you and your children. Hugs
Kinds of Abuse


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