Hey guys and gals I'm pretty new here and just wanted to post a problem I'm having and hopefully get some good advice.
I'm 18 weeks pregnant and just lost my full time, very good paying job. As if that wasn't stressful enough I am now searching for work and trying to deal with a unhappy husband. I don't think he's unhappy about the pregnancy, but he is and has been very unhappy with me for a long time.
Anyways that's a whole other topic. I'm very excited about being pregnant and can't wait to have the baby. My only problem is the fact that I'm jobless, but my husband on the other hand has only shown excitement the day we found out and maybe a couple of other times. I know our marriage isn't perfect, but I really feel like he wishes I wasn't pregnant and isn't excited at all. I know he's probably nervous, but it's so hard trying to be excited yet always having these feelings like he isn't. I wish I could say I could just go to him and discuss this but he's not an emotional or talkative person. So that makes things a little hard. Any advice?

d

<small>[ November 28, 2004, 05:50 AM: Message edited by: baba2 ]</small>

He actually wanted the baby and decided it was time. At the time we weren't exactly trying thinking it would happen. I had been on birth control for years and I assumed it would take longer than the first try to get pregnant since my doctor had said it would take one to two years to become fertil again. I was more focussed on working and getting money settled, but when I found out I was super happy from the get go, and he seemed to be also at first. Now he shows very little intrest in it at all, so who knows.

d

<small>[ November 28, 2004, 05:50 AM: Message edited by: baba2 ]</small>

Hello Mindy. I agaree w/Baba....You need to sit him down and discuss his feelings. If there are "issues" in your marriage now, your pregnancy, while being a great happy thing, may drive a wedge in your marriage. I hope your H is not like mine in hiding his feelings, but the more I got wrapped up in my pregnancy, the more left out he felt. (it was my 1st pregnancy also) He ended up having an affair, and now we are struggling with that. Hindsight is 20/20. I knew things weren't perfect, but I thought we would deal with it after the baby. If I could change anything, I would have sat him down and made him open up to me, no matter what!!!! I'm not saying your husband is remotely like mine, but I think it would do you both good to get at these issues as soon as you can. I wish you the best. Enjoy your pregnancy and good luck w/everything.

How did you lose your job? Was it because of the pregnancy of for unfair circumstances? They can't do that, if so, and you can get your job back or money if they did something illegal...

Mindy,

Do sit down with your H and talk with him. I am a male and my children are pretty much grown. But, my W still likes to tell the kids about the "delightful shade of green" I turned when she announced she was pregnant with our first child. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You don't realize this but to you the child is real. IT is in you and growing and you know it. To most men a child to be is a responsibility. How will we afford this child, how can I afford to send him/her to college, we will need a bigger car/house/whatever. All of these thoughts go through most men's minds. Why? Because to us they are a responsibility and most of us take it very seriously. It is very scary.

Someone mentioned that she focused on her child and her H had an A. This is not uncommon. Why? Well, the other thing men KNOW, is that on the "to do" list they just moved way down the ladder. The focus is on the child and will be on the child, further lack of sleep, energy, POst Partum (sp) depression, whatever, often mean the marriage will degrade from his point of view. He will lose his friend and often men lose their lover.

He has heard all of this and he knows at least some of it is true. It is NOT something to look forward to from a male stand point.

So have I listed a single thing that would make your H look forward to your pregnancy and the coming of a child?? No I have not.

If this is true, then how in the world does the species continue?? Well, there is the "your WHAT?" factor. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> And there is the fact that once a child is born, men do bond to them and love them. You will be surprised to find this out, but men often take awhile to bond with them, and as they grow the bonding does increase. I think it really starts when we can buy them toys WE like to play with. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

But, all kidding aside, your H is very likely NOT as excited as you because from his end of the telescope, he is looking at the end of a sex life, the end of the marriage as he knows it, and the beginning of a significant financial responsibility. He does not see, what you feel inside of you, and he fears what is to come.

A lot of that will change once the baby is here. However Limi pointed out something else, the baby will satisfy you on many levels, but it will not provide for your H what he fears he will lose and might actually lose.

Talk with him, and also make a point of realizing things like lack of sex accompanied with focus on someone else are NOT things men look forward to. He will very likely deal with all of this, but if you talk with him, and you make sure your perpective is on the marriage, I am sure things will improve once the baby comes.

Just remember the baby is REAL to you, but is NOT to him...yet. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

God Bless,

JL

PS: There is one other thing to remember. I mentioned this on another thread and it actually shocked the lady posting as she had not thought of it this way. Do you realize that Harley lists sexual satisfaction as a NEED? Further, it is the #1 need for many men and some women as well. When women read this they nod their head and say, yeah! those guys are horney alright, but they will be alright if they don't get it as much.

BUT...Harley lists it under EMOTIONAL needs, not physical needs. Men can survive with out sex, it is not like oxygen or water, or food. However, consider it from an emotional need stand point that the picture changes. It is how men connect, and when pregnancy comes and a new child, that connection is often severed. Can you now see why it is possible your H fears or worries about this pregnancy?

Worse if he complains or says anything, he looks like a selfish fool. If you realize what his emotional needs are and talk in those terms you might get him to tell you what is bothering him and what he fears. You don't want to go through your marriage with your emotional needs unmet do you? See the point?

<small>[ November 11, 2004, 11:47 AM: Message edited by: Just Learning ]</small>