relationship with husband is great until we are on the topic of oc. See the ow allowed us to have child whenever we wanted, but since cs was finalized she cut it off. Now she is telling us to get visitation set up. I guess she is afraid that we will try and get shared parenting or custody. I know this is what my husband wants and it frustrates me to see him focus on fighting her in court, and not our home. He has become obessed with this and its making us at odds. I told him to just pay the support and stop spending money fighting her. I dont understand why the visitation was not setup in court when the judge asked them. She had stated earlier that visitation was not a problem to her, So now why the change? We have not talked in a few days because the last conversation we had he told me that the financial part was none of my business and why I concern myself with the money he is spending. I just figure that its what the ow wants, him to spend, spend and spend as a way of punishing him. Her behavior has totally changed, she says the only reason she has to send oc to our home is if she needed a break. what a way to make me feel used. I tried to introduce poja to H but he's a man's man and thinks he does not have to ask my permission or agree with me on certain things. I feel like he involves me only when it comes to taking care of the oc. It makes me feel just a little bit resentful and more hurt. I dont want to be the one to break the ice because I dont want to discuss oc anymore. I just wish that everything was good, and no one was bitter and angry. I cant understand how H does not understand my pain, and why I may feel neglected. I guess Im just suppose to get over it, and smile, smile, smile. Im tired of smiling, and tired of feeling like my H and ow doormat. Should I just totally not discuss situation with him and let him deal with these issues on his own? I just dont know if I could let go.

NDY, i will tell you that you and your H needs to some kind of agreement on this. He has to repect your feelings on this subject. And YES it is your business. It effects YOUR family, you should have a say. That is what being a team is. Yes he needs to take care of this, but your input and feelings shouldn't be push aside.
Please read this on giver and taker
Giver & Taker

And realize that if your H is like mine, if I gave him a list of MY demainds he would freak! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Find the right time and right place to talk about your POJA. Everyone has to be together on the when and wheres and how things are to be handled. Less conflict and an up front understanding on how you feel is this or that happens. That way there is none of this "well I din't know" or a blow up when things already discussed comes up. He should know how you feel BEFORE something happens. The vistations should have been set up w/ the C/S. But people can get the C/S set up w/o it. But that was not covering your family or protecting it. So yes the added expence is a head ache. But if any kind of C is to be done it has to be legal, in writing. Look up in your state and find out as much information you can on visitations. Be informed! Help each other find solutions to the problems you are having. Something else that is good to read is this:
Negotiations.

I hope all of this rambling has helped in some way. Also a start to find laws in your state you can go to www.divorce.net look for your state and get imformed!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

sunnydale,

I guess you can tel half of the story without all. Alot of these principles work for americans, but when your H is from another country, culture they are less affective. My h is from another country where it was norm for men to have ow. His father had two wives and twenty children plus I think some on the side. So I dont know how to relate new principles to him, such has decisions being made by both. In his country only the man makes decisions.

Notdoneyet,

I am so sorry for this frustrating and painful situation. Reading your story makes ME frustrated so I can only imagine how you are feeling.

How can a man tell you this is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS... and then YOU take care of he and OW's child? Wow.... I cannot beleive it. Is it bad MB advice to tell him that you will not take care of a child that is none of your bueiness? If he will NOT listen to you and is not open to what you have to say.. ... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

You are dealing with something hard- cultural differences. His money is none of your business, and he is free to give it to OW ???

I wish I wasn't so stumped on this one. I dont know what to say without being angry <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> .

I know that your LIFE, your MARRIAGE and your FEELINGS ARE your business, and he is not allowing you to be human, much less caring of your poor heart right now.

Take a stand for YOU- YOU are in control of your life, he is not. He does not have the right to keep hurting you and shutting you out- and using you when he feels it works for the baby and OW and HIM. I think you need to make some very serious decisions- i.e. will the cultural differences, alone, make it impossible for you to be happy and fulfilled in your life and marriage? How long can you do this-- tip toeing around this and receiving no help from him when you present a problem to him.

(((Hugs)))) Please keep us posted- and please try to take a stand for yourself in all of this, quickly.

He doesnt give her money willingly but was forced by cs, and is now putting all this money into a lawyer to fight her. I guess its ok if it will give us some type of stand, but I want to be apart of it as well, and nothing is wrong with it. Im just constantly reminded by everything that happens and everybody that they made this child and Im just the babysitter when needed. Making me just a little bit depressed. I have a child by another man and can see the problems that can arrise from raising children alone, and refuse to put another child in that situation.

notdoneinyet,
No advice but a lot of similarities <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> xH is back home after 9 1/2 months, three weeks now. We are from another country. His father had two OC and cheated on his mom all his life. Now his father is very proud because his son has three kids from three different women <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> One son from his first wife, our daughter and OC.

xH wants to work with our relationship but wants to deal alone with the xOW and OC situation.
He was living alone for three months on which OW allowed him to have OC to the apt with daughter whenever he wanted. Now that he is back with us, she doesn't want him to see OC.

Last night she 'allowed' him to visit OC but at her house and told him that under no circumstances she would allow him to take OC with us.

I feel your pain and frustration and like you I'm too, tired of smiling ...

If I had it to do over again I probably would have given it a second thought, because I was not raised that way. H and I had discussed oc numberous times and he asked me why do I have such a problem with raising oc his mother did it? My answer to that was your mother was the second wife right? So she knew all along what she was up against and was ok with it. I was raised to believe in one woman to one man, and for that my beliefs are different. I could love this child as my own, but the fighting and bickering between H and ow probably will prevent that because Im probably always be too damn angry. He is trying to uphold his culture and yet have me understand that he can not back down to a woman. I respect his culture and for the most part knew this of his culture, just thought it would never happen to me. All the others from his country (maybe not everyone) have ow on the side. Most of them just get away with it by not making the mistake of having children with ow. Im sure my husband doesn't think having the ow was wrong but that he made a huge costly mistake getting the ow pregnant. See in his culture there is no such thing as cs, the man automatically provide for the children without being forced. He has a child back home and sends money regulary.

I have learned to love him unconditionally, but sometimes things just make me so pissed.

At least having his child back home and mother back home I dont have to deal with it, but having oc here with angry ow is making my life harder. Sometimes I have to just ask him what the heck was you thinking? Did you not realize that women do get pregnant? And no in this country you can not force them to get an abortion.

Maybe things will work itself in the end, and me and my family will be happy again w/without oc. I just hate to see that child suffer, but I guess Im suffering too.