It has been about 6 weeks...I cant even remember what day it is anymore! I only slept for 30 minutes last night. Got a call from mom about 5:30, "daddy may not make it thru the night" We were on our way to the Cher concert. We decided to go to the concert. I called after the concert to see how he was. He was "resting" peacefully. I spoke to my Uncle who said it was grim. I had decided to go ahead and go out this morning. I was up all night long, despite taking sleeping pills.

Well, being up all night long, I started to think. Think really hard. My H has been so withdrawn, so distant with me. I asked him about it a few days ago. He said he was thinking of how he was going to handle it when the baby comes. It is getting closer, he says...WHAT?? It is still 5 months away! Whatever. He hasn't approached me in weeks for SF, something we did everyday at the beginning of the R. He hasn't reassured me, told me he loves me, told me I am the one, told me anything...just keeps getting more and more distant.

Well, this mroning I called him on it. I flat out told him I thought he was seeing her again. Why else would he be so distant. AT first he said "I'm not saying a word". I told him his actions speak louder than words nowadays. I told him I cant go on this way, that as soon as we bury my dad, he is free to go. Roll of the eyes from him and "here we go again". He said he has a lot going thru his mind...I repeated out loud what I thought was going thru his mind


This marriage is never going to work

I shouldn't have given up OW

She is better in bed than you are

Maybe I should just go and be with her so I can raise this GIRL!

This is so boring, I dont want to live this way.

His response was "yea, I wont deny having thought about all those things"

Well, here is the problem...when he first came home and out of the fog, so to speak , he couldn't BELIEVE he EVER thought things like that. He couldn't believe that he couldn't see the future for what it could be and not for what it was! He KNEW that I was the one and he was sooooo happy that he married me and couldnt' believe he doubted it! Well, now he IS doubting it again. He is NOT seeing our future for what it could be.

I am so sick of this. I am NOT going to go on this way. I thought this was behind us, but you know what...I dont think it ever will be. I dont think I want him anymore. I deserve better than this and I wont let him betray me AGAIN! HE is the fool! HE will look like the idiot on national TV...GOOD! So be it!

I wish I was off to see that show more than that I wish my H could see it. He thinks we are the only people in the world living this way. Just wanted to let you know my H did the same thing at first he was the perfect I'll do anything to get you back and that quickly has faded.

M23B,
I generally don't post over on this board, but saw your post this morning and had to drop in on you.

GENTLE 2X4 coming your way....

Mom...you are going through an EXTREMELY difficult time. You aren't sleeping...there is no normalcy to your life. I think you're upset about everything and you have EVERY right to be.

This is how stressed out you are....you titled your thread...ACTIONS speak louder than words. Mom... Dad is having these thoughts...and GRANTED... I KNOW it's the last thing you want to hear right now....but let's examine his ACTIONS...ok ?

He isn't in contact with her.
He is with you.
He is telling you how he feels.
He's displaying honesty...even though it does hurt...it's being honest.
THIS is withdrawal.

This is SO very very normal !!!!! I can't tell you enough how I really think this will work out.

I know it's VERY difficult for you right now...with your Dad's illness...I can't imagine having to deal with this...so you know what...DON'T.

Dad is home...isn't he ? And you're both doing the best you can... there are other matters at hand..that make it increasingly difficult to do much more than what you guys are both doing now.

Please please please...take a deep breath... CRY..SCREAM....let this out...and BELIEVE. Where is that message you were suppposed to print out ?

He does love you, he's there with you. I know you'd see things differently if you weren't under so much stress...that's why I'm not beating you up <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I can just see...following you guys for so long...that Dad really isn't under suspicion this time...and it's not YOUR fault you're having these feelings either.

I don't know how you haven't just collapsed yet.

You're running on empty.

Give Dad a big hug...thank him for being honest.

I hope you're okay Mom...I'll be praying for you and your family.

Thank you itsforme and Betrayed! yes, your post makes sense, but i am not sure I can go up to him and hug him and thank him for being honest. He hasn't hugged me or reassured me in weeks.

I forgot to mention all the quarters I found in his car the other day. He had about $2.00 worth of quarters...the only other time he ever carried quarters was when he was calling her from a pay phone. Of course he denied this one too. Says he found the quarters on the fridge and took them...hmmm, that's funny...said he needed them for coffee or something.

Oh and did I mention the gum chewing..the only time he ever chewed gum before was when he saw OW...he had gum in his mouth the other day after leving one of the NH's...could have been THE NH, I dont know, cuz he doesn't call me from them anymore. I just dont trust the man. Will I ever trust him? dont know, doubt it. not with him acting this way and not without any reassurance. I just dont need this right now.!

Hey there,
Gosh your mind is working overtime ! You need SLEEP in the very worst of ways.

One day...you're going to come back here and remember getting suspicious and anxious over quarters and gum. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He hasn't hugged me or reassured me in weeks. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Think about this for a minute...remove DAD from the picture..and think about reading about the actions..the distance...the overall...cruminess seething out of the FWS during withdrawal.

I mentioned to you in another post...NOW..he IS showing classic ..classic symptoms...he's just overall self absorbed. But that's okay for now. It just happens to additionally SUCK...during a time that you need physical comfort..more than ever.

Dad is being scrutinized on national TV...he has NO closure for all this...only time will do that. I'm sure a BIG part of him is embarrassed, and humiliated on a dozen different levels...throw in an anxious stressed out wife, who's father is passing.... WOW.

Do you think you guys MAYBE...JUST MAYBE...have a whole HELL of a lot going on right now ?

You know what Mom...sometimes..you have to just throw your hands in there air and surrender. That's what helped me with the anxiety. We can only control ourselves...think about all the time and effort..EMOTIONS...you're putting into worrying about this.

DO YOUR PART...let HIM worry about doing his. We both know if he wants to see her...and continue down that path of destruction...there isn't a enough worry to prevent it..so STOP.

You know who you are...you know what you want...you know you can make it either way. Let HIM do HIS part. If he falters... and this is the MOST IMPORTANT THING SO READ CAREFULLY...IF...he faulters....it will be of NO reflection of what you did or didn't do...couldn't or couldn't do...because you're doing your best.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I just dont trust the man. Will I ever trust him? dont know, doubt it. not with him acting this way and not without any reassurance. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well if we all had a dollar for every time we thought THAT. Trust...a long way out. Isn't given away freely anymore...a long road to earning it.
This is early recovery. This is where you have to drag out all your resources to deal with your emotions.

Maybe Dad just feels like a big failure right now. In the midst of you going through this very difficult time...he has to live with the idea he's put so much more on your plate.

Just a thought...he did say he had a lot going on his mind.

But he IS being honest.

He's been your H for 12 years... you have 3 children together...you CAN hug him..and you NEED a hug...so get one.

OK, so I'll be the bad guy here. I'm new and all, so take what I say with a grain of salt.

Trust your instinct

He may be going through withdrawal, whatever that is.

I say, forget about it. He's gonna make a decision one way or another, no matter what you say or do at this point. Are you in counseling? I would suggest it, but if he isn't being honest, with you or himself, it won't matter. Take care of you. Let him know how you feel/care about him and let him know you will be there for him when he's ready, but inho, he ain't ready. So, let it go. That doesn't mean you need to leave, but go do something for yourself. Take a mini-vacation, be with your father, buy some new clothes, call a good friend and go out to eat. The only way you're going to feel worthy of more is to see and know that you deserve and can have more. I think the WS does this by having an A, but you don't have to do that. Sitting around and waiting for him to come to his senses and see that he is about to lose the best thing he ever had won't do it either. Get out there and LIVE. Good luck to you and your family. I wish you the best.

Jersey-- great, wonderful post!

But Mom, while I agree w/Jersey I also agree w/coldday...

I think gum and quarters CAN BE a red flag IF it WAS a sign ONLY during the A. I don't think you should minimize the possibility. To me that is not very wise, and it is the scary beginning of "looking the other way" when we have that gut feeling. I personally will never, ever accept cheating again- and WILL keep myself protected by being in the KNOW of what is going on in my marriage- our outside of it.

If you are suspicious, you have reason to be, and if you are ready for a Plan B- maybe you should. Don't deny your own feelings in this. This marriage is not just for him! I am a huge supporter of leart to TRUST and FORTIVE, but not without CONFIRMATION and ACTIONS/WORDS that match up totally. I personally will not, ever, allow signs to go unnoticed. You were at a complete disadvantage before- now you are not. You are aware of the cruel reality of life now, right!

In the meantime, though, the others are right- you MUST not obsess about what "he" is doing and thinking every second because it will not always be favorable. Maybe he is in withdraw (ick who wants to live with that??).... and if he is, IN MY OPINION, that might be part of this ride, it might be part of life -- but ALSO TIME FOR YOU TO WITHDRAW yourself...

WITHDRAW from the crappy way you are feeling and functioning. WITHDRAW from the sadness and the "whats H up to every second" stress. Easier said than done, of course, but you CAN do it little by little.

Do NOT let your life, health and well being fall to the wayside... that is a sin when you dont even know what day it is-- and H is there like "oh well"....

Oh my I know how hard it is to think you should feel sorry for him.. that you should be pampering him back to health and out of his "hard times"... It IS VERY HARD <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> But you have to remember one thign that I forgot- HE needs ME too, he NEEDS LOVE even though he does not seem to deserve it. You have to try to forget the old "well he isn't so I'm not".. thats what got most of us here to begin with. I opened my arms to H when I wanted to open his grave and plop him in it.... and the rest is LOVELY history.. it worked. Strange but true tale....!

And I have the worst temper in the world at times... if I took some bricks out of my own wall, anyone can.. LOL

<small>[ November 08, 2004, 12:51 PM: Message edited by: giovanna123 ]</small>

Okay g123,

I hear you loud and clear, but correct me if I'm wrong hear (don't mean to thread jack but...) what if he does not reciprocate that love? I tried, I think ( you know my story - did I)to do plan A and he walked all over my feelings. It has only been since I Plan B'd and moved on with my life that he wants to come back. But really nothing has changed? does that make any sense? Loving him and feeling sorry for him did not help me by any means.

What do you do then? Or better yet am i looking for an excuse to still take stuff off this man?

But back to you Mom, try doing things for yourself it helped me tremendously. Also I agree try to love him up some ( Plan a) and see how it goes?

Love ya and wishing for you a brighter tomorrow,

JT <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />