I APOLOGIZE IN ADVANCE FOR THIS BEING SO LONG...I just had much to say. Maybe I should shorten it?
S
I have loved you since the first moment that I saw you. I was so sad when you were going to Guatemala back in 1996 after you had met me, to go meet that girl. When you came back and stayed and we developed a relationship, I asked God to never let you go away from me again. Now I don’t have you again, and I am saddened once again, I can hardly breathe to be away from you. I know that I face the consequences of my affair, and I am paying for them dearly. I am writing to you for many reasons.
Before I start I want to tell you that I love you and that I cannot begin to realize how much I have hurt you. I have hurt the person who I have loved the most. The person who I wanted to be for the rest of my life. I have lost you, and like you have told me I have lost you forever. S, I cannot keep in touch with you anymore. I think it’s better if we talk through our lawyers, or maybe through family members. I need time for myself to get some help. I have realized, like I had long time ago that I needed counseling. You and I had discussed this and you had finally agreed to go once, but we never did get it. I hope that you will also realize that it is best to find the root of our problems individually. You must find help for your anger, not for me but for yourself. I know you must hate me right now, your actions and your words show it.
I will miss you S, just like I miss you right now. I miss the person you use to be: loving, caring, my best friend. We both changed, you were always so angry. Remember your saying, “I’m tired, I’m stressed, my head hurts..†We use to make a joke of it.
S. I am afraid of you, I started being afraid of you for a while. I was always afraid of something that would trigger your anger. I would always get a knot in my stomach and my heart everytime this happened. You made me feel like I was always to blame. Like when you would roadrage, you would say I would instigate it by telling you to slow down and not to get angry. I felt love and fear for you S., not just love anymore. I was afraid of going somewhere and you becoming angry on the way to the place or when we got there. I stopped being myself, I started losing my sense of identity. I resented you for this. I always felt I always had to be tiptoeing around you. When we were together I always thought of the mean things you said or did, now that I am here, I miss the caring person you once use to be. I look at pictures of you at the botanical gardens. We took them 2 years after we were married. We were happy then S. You said marriages evolve, and they do, but ours was going from good to bad, and that’s not a way to evolve. I reached out for you S. I asked to talk about our problems while we lay at night in bed, spend quality time.
I always felt I was second best, like you had settled for me. I was the girl that you got after the other one didn’t want you. I was second best to your work.
You say you have found the person who you should have been all along. That I’m not worthy of your love. This may be true, but I want to tell you that I gave my heart and soul to you for 6 years, those 6 years prior to the affair. I should have done the responsible thing and ended our relationship before I began an affair, but in my state of mind, I always had it deep in my heart that you would change. You berrade me and you insult me, but I deserve respect, not for the affair but for the previous years that I held on to the hope of our marriage to work. You say this woman is helping you out bringing down the walls you put up. I am glad someone is helping you out, but I’m heartbroken that it could not be me even after the many attempts. I felt like a failure when you said this to me.
Whether we want it or not, this time apart will makes us reflect on our relationship, what we did wrong and what we could have done better. You say you stopped knowing me this last year, but I sure know you. I know how you like your back scratched as we laid in bed and how you use to direct me as the itch traveled. I know the little bump on your back we named “Mount E†and how you like for me to rub your neck when you drive. I know that your mouth is slightly open as you sleep and you let out a little sight every now and then. I know you stick out your tongue when you’re concentrating on something. I can still hear your silly laugh that scares people when you watch a movie. I know that your hair stands up when you just get out of bed and you walk around all day like that on a Sunday and not care. I know you’re a perfectionist and an extremely hard worker. I know that it saddens you not having your father around, but you refuse to talk about it. I know all these thing S. and I will miss them all, and I can’t help but cry because I have lost you. I have lost the little freckels that stand out from your Jaguar tatoo, and that red hair of yours.
It hurts me that you use my ethnicity to hurt me. Did you always feel this way? It breaks my heart that you use the things I told you in intimacy as my partner and best friend against me. My affair is out in the open, my family, friends, co-workers all know, it shames me – but it doesn’t matter, I have to face the responsibility, what Shames me the most is having lost our marriage – it slipped away. Even before the affair. I must say goodbye and that in time you will forgive me. This will be the last you hear from me directly. I will have to delete my yahoo account and e-mail. This is something I have to do for my own sanity, because even after all these miles I am so afraid of you still, of the things you are threatening to do or say and I’m in a state of anguish all the time. Like I have told you I must get some counseling. I hope that in time you will forgive me. You say that once a cheater always a cheater. I don’t believe that, I also don’t believe that once an abuser, always an abuser. We both can get help but we must do it individually. I am not asking you to take me back, or even considering this. You must do what you feel it is the best for you. For me as it is right now, I know I love you, but I know I must receive some individual counseling. I am praying to God S. just like I did a long time ago. I have been praying a lot. I love you.
E.
This song explains also how I feel.
I'm not a perfect person
As many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you
I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
Thats why i need you to hear
I've found a resaon for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is You [x4]
I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you
I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you
