Hello, I have some questions for people who have experienced this situation or know anything. When my husband and I were separated I got pregnant by another guy, got back together with my husband in May and moved to another state, and I had the baby in August. The other guy knows about his son and says he wants to see him but hasn't done so yet. I have been talking to a lawyer about visitation and child support and how that all works. Should I mess with any of that or not? I would like to hear your experiences

Welcome to the board.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> When my husband and I were separated I got pregnant by another guy, got back together with my husband in May and moved to another state, and I had the baby in August </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">First thing, is your H on the birth certificate? Have you talked things over with your H and what are his feelings about XOM having a relationship and being in contact with you and your son?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Should I mess with any of that or not? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Every relationship is different on what they can handle. I have 2 oc from my affair. My H is considered their legal father. I get no child support or anything from the Bio dad. Xmm did have visits with the kids until July of this year. I can say this, my marriage is a lot better since I've been in no contact.

You really need to sit down with your H and talk this over. Consider if you do go for child support that the Bio dad has rights to your son. Can your H handle having this man in your life?

Best of luck

Take a deep breath..there are some great people here who have literally been IN your shoes that can offer you some more experienced 'advice'.

FIRST: if OM has not tried to see the baby.....then there should not be any other type of C right? I mean are you in C w/ OM currently?

Are you working on your marraige? What does your H want to do?

Those will actually be the most important factors in how you choose to proceed w/ this.

It seems recovery goes better when there is No Contact between the FWS (Former Wayward Spouse) & OP (Other Partner) so....avoidance is best & increases your chances of a fuller recovery & restoration of your marriage.

Your H has some legal rights since the child was conceived while you were still married, if he chooses to excercise them. If not then OM also has the right to excercise his rights towards the child as well. W/ that right also comes the obligation for CS (child support).

So if you want to raise this child in a more stable environment (intact home) then your choice would lean more towards H raising the child as his own & OM having no part of your lives.

Normally I would say OW is not a factor in your marraige so here i say OM is NOT a factor in your marital decisions. Te choice is stricly between you & your H.

Read ALL you can on this site & familiarize yourself w/ it well. The POJA (Policy Of Joint Agreement) will come into play here as you & H work together to make a decision that you BOTH can be comfortable w/ & what is best for your marraige & family.

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I don't want to overwhelm you w/ too much info right now.

You will be ok & your marriage CAN survive this.

You are in the right place.

Let us know what you need.
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Are you currently in counseling together?

We have sent him some pictures of the baby. Husband and I feel pretty much the same, limited contact is okay. It may not be the easier route but it doesn't seem fair that the other man should have to pay for [sins] 18 years wondering about his baby. My husband and I both feel this way, but we also want to make sure our son gets a good life and not highly confusing with all of these conflicts and issues. More thoughts appreciated.

Is your H on the birth certificate or not? Or are legally going after Om for child support?

Yes my husbands name is on the birth certificate. Right now we aren't doing anything legal and don't know what we are doing. Not sure what to do because doing nothing leaves it sort of in the position of trusting the xom and I don't know if that is a good idea.

ceres~

Is x-om single, or married? If married, does his W know about the A/OC?

I'm with kt, seeing as in most states, your H is automatically assumed to be the father by virtue of your marital status at time of conception, you are best advised to raise baby as your own, without the x-om.

It's better for your M, and IMO, it's better for your son as well. I don't think anyone could convince me otherwise. As long as your H is willing to raise the baby as his own, he's got all the Dad he'll ever need. Why bring confusion and two homes into this baby's life, when it's not necessary?

If however, you and your H BOTH honestly think x-om should have some contact, then that's your decision to make. You need to get it all taken care of legally, though. Be sure this is what you really want to do, and be careful what you wish for. Limited contact, could turn out to be 50/50 custody.

~ad

ceres~

A few more questions. Sorry for the "3rd degree", but helps to know some stuff, to get a better handle on things, and be able to assist you better, too.

How far away does x-om live?

When was the last time there was any contact with him?

When was the last time he said he might want to see the baby?

You are wise not to trust x-om. However, if you and your H decide you want nothing from this guy, and you don't want him to have "anything" either, then you are just fine, in not doing anything at the moment. If x-om wants to pursue the matter, he will have to fight for it in court, as you and your H are the only ones who can easily contest paternity. I wouldn't hand him anything or make anything easy on him, whatsoever, unless of course your H and you mutually agree that you want this guy involved somehow.

Having been through the custody thing with my 1st h, just wanted to give a word of caution. My h wanted nothing to do with his children for 4yrs., he didn't pay cs and just simply dissapeared. He then sued me for custody, it cost over $15,000.00 to keep my children, even though at the beginning of the whole thing my ex told me he knew he wouldn't win, he just wanted to show his kids he really did care and wanted them! We now have the displeasure of joint custody. If you can avoid the whole mess, I would, it tore apart my children as well as caused me to go bankrupt.

That is kind of what I want to avoid-- last minute wild court cases. I am afraid of waiting and then when he gets older he suddenly decides he wants joint custody and its a mess. I believe in premptive strikes and that is why I have considered dealing with the custody issue now rather than waiting for it to appear in paper on my doorstep. XOM just turned 21 (I am 24) and has only interest in seeing him once to "several" times a year. I am afraid when he gets older if for some reason he doesn't have more children suddenly he will want more. I don't know if I want to take that chance.

He lives about 500 miles away, a good 8-9 hour drive. Last contact was last week, last time he said he wanted to meet baby was same time.

I would leave things as they are. Keep your H as the legal father and give Xom no rights. That way Xom can cause all the trouble he wants in the future, the law is on your side.

I have 2 OC with Xmm, my H is the legal father and Xmm has no rights. Xmm even took me to court and lost.

You can still let Xom see your son, but keep your H as the father (that's if your H wants that also)

"If x-om wants to pursue the matter, he will have to fight for it in court, as you and your H are the only ones who can easily contest paternity. I wouldn't hand him anything or make anything easy on him, whatsoever, unless of course your H and you mutually agree that you want this guy involved somehow."

Ceres, others, I feel the above statement is not really fair.

This seems to completely go against what most do not find fair-- that the FATHER has no rights.

Ceres, this is HIS baby too. This gives him a right to know his child REGARDLESS of what you and your H want, only. I hate to read this from a MOW, really... this just confirms how little the fathers are considered or given a choice. A situation was created here, by 2 people-- and now both should have equal rights to this child if wanted (unless unfit of course).

I don't want to upset you Ceres, as I'm sure this is already what you realize. I do not think it is right to make a father prove he is the father when you know he is.

I'd suggest, Ceres, to try to stay completely amicable with him right now..... don't REMOVE his rights and act like a dictator in this-- that seems to almost surely make someone FIGHT just to FIGHT, know what I mean? He lives very far, and he is very young. I don't see him being a real relevant part of the child's life,now- but the hard to swallow part is, that he does have that right.

Hopefully you will all be able to make a decision that is done without hate and bullcrap- which can be hard, I know. I think your H needs all the consideration in the world in your decisions, yes, but when it comes right down to it, he can't make all of them.

Hugs to you girl, I can imagine how trying this time is- and I pray your marriage can be strong and hold together in a way that prevents OM to harm it in any way-even if C does have to happen because he insists.

Everyone is so down on fathers who dont want to know the child-- and you are stressing because he does. All of these situations are tough- but can work out... if the adults are willing to really work towards the child's best interests,only. Hang in there!

I think you are right and he does have the right to know him. I think for now no lawyers will be involved with visitation or child support.

ceres,

I beleive that both you and your H should think of the scenario that will serve not only the best interests of your marriage but of your OC as well. Who's to say that the best interests of both may be to strip away the rights of the OM? I'm not saying that this is the case in your situation, but depending on the situation and all the adults involved, every scenario should be explored before the final decision is made. Knee jerk decisions that shoot from the hip can often come back to bite us in the a** and the damage can be severe especially for the innocent OC.