You know we are currently in NC & I have been haging out in Recovery...(just so you know)

But I was talking to a friend I hadn't seen in awhile the other day & was so uplifted by being able to compare notes on various things we have been through & what the LORD had done/is doing in our lives ect.

SO anyway..................I was relaying to her how I thought OW was always afraid I was trying or would replace her as OC mother. OW couldn't beleive that being OC mother (taking OW place) was the FARTHEST thing in my mind. My friend agreed that I probably would have become OC best friend.

SO anyway......I wanted to relay some GREAT reasons for being a BW/STEP-mom & NOT the OW/REAL mom:

1) issues that develop w/in OC heart that require future therapy will NOT be my fault.

2)in such therapy when blame is placed....it will NOT be on me. (we ALL know how our mothers get blamed for everything)

3) OC is ultimately NOT my responsibility.

Now before anyone misinterprates this post or gets all huffy....please allow me to explain further.

I treated OC as my own, same rules, same, "no you can't have candy for breakfast" arguements ect.

But ultimately I was not burdened, as w/ my own kids, that somehow I would ultimately RUIN this child & have to pay thousands in therapy bills down the road. kwim?

I think EVERY mother @ some time in their lives think this w/ regard to their kids. That we will do 'it' wrong.

Or that dreadful, doubting of our selves when we think we've screwed them up forever!! Fearing our son will become Norman Bates or what have you! LOL (that's a joke) but you kwim right?

It's like how relaxed grandparents are w/ their grandkids when they were soooo uptight w/ you? They KNOW they are not ultimately responsible for how they turn out like they were w/ their own kids.

That is the relief I had to enjoy OC in those moments. Knowing that I would (or could have)be the friend/confidant when that dreaded 'I hate my parents stage rolled in'.

I would be the 'nuetral' & understanding party. I would be the one who 'understands' when no one else does. (maybe that's what OW was afraid of????)

So I just wanted to give a little shout out & encouragement to those brave step-moms who are just starting out. Those who are behind the scenes doing the grunt work...you will be rewarded in the end. Either way.

sincerely,
ooo
xxx
kt

Thanks for the other point of view kinda.

It reminds me of my friend.

My friend (lisa) is doing well with contact and tries to instill all her RULES with the OC.

The xow (also a former friend of mine)is very lax in the dicipline of her child yet the OC likes my friend better than her own mother lol with all the rules and strict eating requirements.

The ow(former friend of mine) just says to her child lol ok if you dont.... I will tell (my friend lisa) what a brat your being. STRANGE relationship to say the least.

My friend lisa has thrown out the exhusband (he remarried and had more children yrs ago) and still has contact with the OC for the children's sake.
Her own ex the father of the oc hardly sees the oc or speaks to the oc at all. So my friend had a choice to never have any contact with the OC at all but decided that for all the children's sake it should continue.


I of course still cant imagine myself doing any thing remotely close to that. My friend just says you do the best with what you have. She must be some kind of saint. lol

Thank you for the smile KT. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Cordelia, that's a very interesting story. Very different, yes, probably not great boundaries, but I can sympathize with Lisa trying to do the right think for the kid(s)' sake and it just turning out weird. Kinda how I feel about my own sit.

KT,
Your points hit home with me in regards to my stepson, Josh.
But, they don't ring true with Lil Bit.

I guess because we have custody of her.
I see her as my responsiblity, my concern.
Even though, as you said, Ultimately she is neither.

Should something happen in the future between Mr Lee and myself, it would come down to the fact that I have NO Legal rights to her at all.

To paraphrase Rosalind Russell's character, Mame Dennis, in Auntie Mame, "I have the responsiblity, (they) have the authority."
It describes the way I feel SOMETIMES.
Such a fine line...

Stacia

stacia, that makes all the sense in the world.

((((stacia))))

Hugs,
J

KT, I think you've got it! I know with me and my situation, working on the papers for V and all. Its over whelming sometimes what I feel and what I have NO CONTROL over. I knew we would have ups and downs and I know dealing with "other peoples" children things can get a bit, tense, to say the least. I find handling it like I did the children in my daycare (when I had it) is about the same. I know in my heart there is a reason for me being in his life and I will do my best to make it good for him. On the other hand, you are so afraid to let your heart completely "go" or "give" to that child knowing that yes, you may not be a perminate
part of this childs life. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Its scary and something to think about when making the decsions on C or N/C. Thats why I know it is best to do everything LEGAL, but even then its still not quaniteed. KWIM. As a step mom, I take it day by day and pray alot!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

H and I have custody of my stepson, which means that I do feel I AM responsible to him in every way. I think the entire dynamics of the relationship change when you are the in-home parental figure.

Now, his sister, does not live w/us. She is basically my GIRLIE-GIRL RELIEF!! I adore this girl and she does me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .. She is a dream come true to me -- because I have 100,00 men/boys in my life till her... AND I LOVE it for the very reasons that KT SAID!!!

I am like sugar-mommy! Its a beautiful thing. She follows me around like I am a goddesss-- telling me how pretty I am, how cool I am, how she wishes I was her mother... she helps me clean, brushes my hair, lotions my hands, arms... etc... comes to me when I am upset with a homemade CARD in hand... I cannot BEAT IT!! I DID NOT HAVE TO GET FAT and give birth to her EITHER!! LOL!

Now, on my end... as stepmommy, what *I* do for is...

Let her wear high, chunky heeled shoes (and she's only 10).. lend her my clothes, make-up and my jewelry to play with... I take her girl hopping (shopping) on the weekends... Hit the dollar stores and buy silly things like "tonytails", paint and do projects... AND MOST IMPORTANTLY.. we talk crap on the other 3 life forms in our house that we call BOYS... LOL!!!

AND THEN.. the next beautiful thing happens........RIGHT about when I'm exhausted, its time to kiss my little High Maintenance Princess" goodbye and say "LOVE YOU! SEE YA NEXT WEEK!!!"

I tell ya KT you are SO RIGHT - I am her confidant, her best friend, her Girl Power Sista !!!!!!! Oh yeah, and I get to do this...

"Honey.. you better go ask daddy or .... you better call mommy cause its not up to me....." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Dont get me wrong.... I dont spoil her or anything (cough cough).. and I do have a hand in her proper upbringing.. !

It is sad about OC because I love little girls and I am a huge role in my stepchildrens' lives- so I know I could really bond w/her too. I even feel much more ready to handle the reality of her being around especially since she is just a baby. But again, our children cannot afford being exposed to this now.. etc etc.

Sunny, look at it this way as I did w/my stepchildren when H and I were seperated and possibly heading for divorce..

Love the child with all you have and want to give- you never know what ANY future holds... A child could be loved or cared for by someone they don't see the rest of their lives, but SURELY he would remember you as being a positive influence in his life. Think of the teacher you had that really cared for you, the ones that people remember 20, 30, 40 years later.

If you withhold love from someone just cause you are afraid you may lose them.. well.. we'd technically be afraid of loving anyone. Life is so unpredictable and fragile, as we know.

I'm sure, Sunny, that in time you will do what comes natural regardless of fears-- and that is be the best stepmother you can!

Great post KT.

I already know that OC is going to need therapy, I think he is already in it at 5. And who's fault is it? His mothers. H and I have no bearing on what she did to get him there.

Hopefully in the future I will get the chance to give him the love he deserves. Until then all I can do is pray that he is doing good.