She e-mailed me and told me that she wanted to meet me again. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Talk about manipulation. I made it clear that I did not want contact until she was older like a teenager. I can't believe OW would tell her about me. She knew how I felt about contact right now. I asked OW what made her tell and she said OC deserved to know.

This is a power play on her part. She is a piss poor excuse of a mother. She has put her own child in the position of being rejected.

I am between a rock and a hard place now. Dad was right when he said she would not go away quitely, but to use her own child?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I'm sorry to hear this Cody. She shouldn't have told her anything, she would have been none the wiser. I guess you are finding out the hard way why your dad wants so little contact with exOW.

SO SORRY CODY!
Typical xOW B.S. doesn't care about the end result of hurting her own child! Her only point in telling OC about you and then to turn around and tell YOU that she told OC about you is to make you feel guilty! The woman doesn't care that she told an innocent little girl that your her wonderful big brother when you had told xOW that contact was not going to work at this time! She is hurting her daughter and you! And jeopardizing your future relationship with OC too. Pisses me off! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
The only reasoning or hope to offer is that I have told my kids about OC and NC because I don't want it come as a surprise in the delicate teen-age years that they have half-sibling. But I don't believe this was your xOW intention. Who knows what she was thinking?
I don't know what advice to give you now, your definitely in hard spot. Its a shame that your Dad and xOW had to make this mess and now you and OC are paying for it too. I would watch out for more manipulation from the xOW in the future too. Sounds like your Dad made the best decision in NC and in warning you about xOW.
Best of Luck!!

Cody,

I am not going to say I told you so (but I am thinking it)! I had a strong feeling that she,OW was up to something and now she is not going to go quietly. She feels like she will gain something from your family through this whole ordeal and it is likely now that she will. She knows how gentle your feelings about OC are and she is going to use that for leverage. Why do some of TOW do this is beyond me, but stupid none the less.

I figured your mom and dad had a good reason for not trusting her and from staying away from her all these years.

Just bite your tongue and decide what you are going to do. I just want to leave you with one thought: If you start a relationship under someone elses terms more than likely it will remain that way.

Be careful and remember protecting OC is not your job, but hers. So don't do anything out of guilt or sorrow for OC. Make this your decision - not HERS!


JT

<small>[ November 11, 2004, 05:10 PM: Message edited by: JT2 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by CodyG:
<strong> She e-mailed me and told me that she wanted to meet me again. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Talk about manipulation. I made it clear that I did not want contact until she was older like a teenager. I can't believe OW would tell her about me. She knew how I felt about contact right now. I asked OW what made her tell and she said OC deserved to know.

This is a power play on her part. She is a piss poor excuse of a mother. She has put her own child in the position of being rejected.

I am between a rock and a hard place now. Dad was right when he said she would not go away quitely, but to use her own child?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know you have compassion on this child and righteous anger toward a mother who would exploit that child. Have you reported this woman to social services so that Child Protective Services can intervene and give this child some therapeutic support?

If I were in your situation, I'd recognize that someone has to be an adult here - and that's you; which means you have to say that it's not appropriate for us to be in contact until you are older. You don't need to add "and away from the corrosive influence of your mother".

As a quietly opposing view, I'm in favor of telling children the truth. It's important that they understand the environment and history of their lives, and that there not be nasty surprises waiting for them when they're older. These stories must be told in an age-appropriate way -- but to avoid telling them does tremendous damage to the children.

Though you may be hurt by this truth, perhaps it would be wise to really spend some time thinking about why it hurts you. It doesn't change any knowledge that you had, does it? So what is the change that upsets you so much?

Just J

I agree somewhat you are saying..but I understand what Cody is trying to convey... He wants to do this when the child is older..why tell the child this info... What could this possible info be benificial to this child??

I think this has to be in agreemnet with all parties involved..the OW is NOT alone with making all the final decisions on this....

It just another way of manpulating the situation... don't even feel guilty. This mother should be ashamed of herself.

Cody stand your ground... your very intelligent young man... someday you can explain to your half - sister. Tell this mother..stop using her child.... that the relationship that you will later develop or not develop with half sister..will be between your sister and you.

wiz

Hi Cody!

I too agree that being gently honest and age-appropriately honest is what is best for children to develop good self-esteem as it allows them to ask questions they need answers to and recieve and digest information as they can handle it.

Now, that said, being honest is a far cry from pushing a relationship neither you or your sister may be ready for. Your oc sister is a small child and is far too young to have a voice and relay what she's ready for. You are a grown man and waiting for a relationship is not robbing the two of you of growing up together as siblings. Ow needs to understand that you are not rejecting your sister, but that you simply refuse to put the child into a situation where she may be adversely effected.

This woman cannot possibly be so grossly unaware of her child's needs that she can't understand that. She is exploiting her child...and I wouldn't wait around to find out why.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by KaylaAndy:


[/qb]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know you have compassion on this child and righteous anger toward a mother who would exploit that child. Have you reported this woman to social services so that Child Protective Services can intervene and give this child some therapeutic support?

. [/QB][/QUOTE]

I think CPS would just say we are sorry that this lady did this........is this child in danger? Is she being beaten? Abused? That is no reason to report to CPS.

cody how old is this little girl? 4? 6? I don't remmeber. As a mother in your OW's position I don't know if I think she is wrong or not. On one hand I'm sitting here thinking, well was this child asking questions? How mature is she? How did she tell her? And yes my biggest concern for my daughter would be the rejection. As a mother you want to protect your kids and save them from as much hurt as you can. Does this child know your dad at all? Know of her dad? My daughter has 2 stepsisters. At some point in her life I'll have to tell her. Again though it goes back to her age, and what I feel she can handle and first and foremost NOT HURT HER with the rejection thing, ya know? I have mixed feelings about this and what she did. All I can say is hoepfully you will handle this news with dignity and symphathy for your 1/2 sister. If she asks you at this age (if you talk or see her anytime soon) why what and when..........I hope you totally leave your dad and her mom out of it and tell her something like you in a different city for now and or some good excuse that a child would relate too and maybe just start sending her cards or little presents. You've said yourself your very confussed about this all. You seem mature though and hopefully you'll think okay the cat is out of the bag (not by your choice, but it's out) I am not ready for a relationship with her right now, but don't want to burn my bridges either for later on if I choose to do so..........so even the smallest thing to a child is a big thing. Do you know what I mean? I'm sorry your feeling so bad about all this.

You should contact your fathers attorney immediatly. This woman is harrassing you. I hate to say it, but I too am not surprised that she is still manipulating your whole family. She has used you to extort tuition for her child, why not continue on? She knows of your contempt for your father and is exploiting it to her own advantage. She will not stop.

Contact the attorney and have a stiff, firm letter sent to her to cease her harrassment or face charges.

I have a feeling if you did spend time with this child, you would need an attorney later anyway as this ow would fake charges against you.

Quit letting her pull your chain so much. That child is not going to gain a thing by knowing you, especially when it is forced like this. I can only imagine how angry your parents must feel right now. Your concern for the child appears to supercede your concern for the crap you are putting your mother through.

It takes far more then blood to create a sibling relationship. So quit being such a willing pawn to this ow and call the attorney. She is sitting back and plotting and contriving the next manipulation and you are letting her. Your father was probably picked as the daddy based on his income, and now she is out for more.

Stand up for YOUR family, and quit putting the oc needs above everyones. It is creating problems already. I"m sure your parents are hardly thrilled with the pandoras box that has been opened.

Call a laywer.

Okay dad read me the riot act for letting the OW in our lives again. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> He is the one that brought that ***** into our lives. I cannot believe he told me that. I hung up the phone on him.

I am not going to see OC because I don't want her mother in our lives. I am not ready to bring in the lawyers just yet. I told OW nothing has changed. I still did not want contact until OC was no longer under her control. I told her not to contact me again and she better come up with a good story about why I cannot see her. Not only for her emotional well being but that I would make sure she knew the truth when she was older if she tried anything.

Hi Cody,

I'm sorry that you were upset by what your father said. I think he's scared----scared for YOU.

He has been in your shoes before--not knowing what is under exOW's exterior until he was in way over his head, not knowing how much pain and turmoil it would cause your mom, not knowing so many things until it was too late to undo the actions that put everything on track for the inevitable trainwreck.

And now your dad (and mom) might have to watch another trainwreck happen because the exOW is driving the train again on a similar track--it's the only route she knows. Except this time, YOU will be in the wreckage and possibly your half-sibling too. This time, your parents cannot protect you like they could before.

There's no way to describe what a parent feels when they see a trainwreck waiting to happen for their kids. And to be the CAUSE of that trainwreck? I don't know how I would be able to endure it.

I will pray for all of you, especially your dad. I don't think that your parents having NC with OC was a first choice, it was probably a last resort. Your parents couldn't change who exOW is, no matter how honorable they may have wanted to be as far as the OC.

You had good and honorable intentions, Cody. But you cannot control or change who exOW is either; you can only control your side of it. I think you will do that in an honorable way--hopefully without having to learn every lesson the hardest way like your parents did.

Btw, it's important that you don't keep any dealings or contact with exOW a secret from your parents. Once you go into cahoots with exOW in that way, you're sunk. Even if it "causes problems" be open and honest with your parents--doing that takes away exOW's biggest weapon.

Take care

Hey Cody-----on a lighter note-----

I'm going to tell you what I tell my sons: If a girl offers you a one night stand with no strings attached, first decide if you want her to be the mother of your child for the rest of your lives because that might be the decision you're REALLY making at the time.

My sons half jokingly/half seriously tell me I've ruined them for sleeping around like their friends do. You're a good guy Cody, so I wanted to "ruin" you too! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Hi Cody,

Sometimes we do things against others wishes because we feel it is the right thing to do. Unfortunately, alot of times we end up learning the hard way. When your father chose NC, he had his reasons, and it probably was his last resort, as stated early from another post. Yes he is the one that made the mistake, but his final action was to have NC, and no matter how wrong u may of thought it was, that was his choice....now I understand that u were not brought into this solely on your own, u were approached by OW...however, your parents told u where they stood on the situation, and u decided to deal with the situation as best u could, not wanting to hurt anybody...especially not your sister. Unfortunately, some people take kindness for weakness..ie..OW in this case. Her actions of using her OWN CHILD for the sole purpose of manipulating u & in return getting whatever she can out of it speaks for itself. I would block her e-mails from your address. I would not feel guilty or anything like that, because remember, your sister is her mothers child, and she is going to tell her what ever she wants to tell her, whether u or anyone else likes it or not. U really have no control over the situation at this time in that regards. So why waste your time worrying about something u can not control??? If in the near future , u and your sister bump heads when she is of age, u can explain your side of the story...she can chose to listen and except or call u a lier...thats it. Which ever way the wind blows. Sorry, but that's just the way things are. I would not loose any sleep over the matter. U did your best, and that is all u can carry in your heart right now. No sense in beating yourself up. Take Care.

Iagree with the above. Quit beating yourself up for this. None of this is your cross to bare. SHE (OW) is the one who is using/toying with the life of her child. NOT YOU.