Things are not getting any better. They seem to be getting worse. I am becoming more and more resentful everyday.

Resentful that this man did this to us, to our family. Resentful that there is an OC. Resentful that I don't even know what the enemy(OW) looks like. Resentful that life seems to be going forward for him. While I am stuck in this horrendous existence. Resentful that his reasoning is that he "didn't mean for this to happen" What the hell do you mean when you **** someone that's not your wife?

I'm having a really bad week. Actually, I'm having a really bad life.

Cryn

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Things are not getting any better. They seem to be getting worse. I am becoming more and more resentful everyday.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Cryn,

Are you and your H in MC? Have you tried IC for yourself? If you are not in counseling can you get H to go? If not please get some help for yourself. Not familiar with your story, how long since DDay? How old is OC? What is triggering you?
Remember that your feelings are normal, you are hurt and betrayed. Now you have the OC to remind you of this too. I am sorry you are having a hard time. It does take time to heal. We are only 4 months post dd and about 3 months NC. Last week was horrible for me, but this is a new day a new week for me and my H.

Hang in there and post, vent whatever you need to do.

Cryn,

I just read your earlier posts. Are you still in counseling? How is the counseling going? Have you talked to your H about your feelings? I personally would not be able to function without AD's, would you reconsider your resistance to taking them until you get through the worst of this? Hang in there.

Faithful,

Thank you for responding. Yes, we are both still in IC and MC. We see the same person for both. I am also looking into counseling that is offered at our church.

At our last session, I was so angry I told him in front of the MC. You didn't MEAN to [censored] that woman. You didn't MEAN to sneak out of the house in the middle of the night to go see her. You didn't mean to file for a divorce. You didn't MEAN to hurt our children by introducing them to her. You didn't MEAN to get her pregnant. Then, I guess I don't MEAN to hate you as much as I do right now.

It was not pretty in that office. The air was so thick you could cut it. I felt like I was suffocating and I was crying so hard I could barely breathe. I walked out in the middle of the session.

I am strongly against meds. Temporarily lessening the pain with AD's won't make my husband having an OC any more bearable. I simply can't bring myself to take them for a multitude of reasons, primarily my family history.

The more time that passes, the more reconciliation seems completely unattainable. The more I believe that what he did is truly unforgivable.

Cryn,

Take a look at my thread to Pepperband.
Pepperband
I understand what you are feeling, our MC sessions are been very painful and downright ugly at times. I can't tell you how many times I wanted to walk out, but I stayed. I can't tell you how all this will turn out, but I know things are slowly getting better for me. However, OC has not been born yet in our sitch.

I am currently working on ME. Focusing on my H was killing me. Perhaps a change of focus would help you too?

Please keep posting. Tell me if I am totally off base, I am still new to this but your story really struck a chord in me. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Hi Cryin,
My fwh and I are 2yrs today past d-day and I can vividly recall your anger. You are gonig to have to deal with this pain whether or not the m works out and there really isn't any instruction booklet on how to get rid of it. I remember being soo tired of being angry and unable to let it go. It's draining physically as well as emotionally. You can and will get through it, though. It takes time and unitl you feel "right" again don't make any life-altering decisions. After you have released your anger, the resentment will fade and then you can decide whether or not you still want your m, if not you can d with a clear concience and the d won't be so full of hatred and bitterness. You and your kids have been put through enough, take the time to work on yourself. Think of this time-period like a pause in your life planning to regroup and rest.

Other posts have great tips on how to deal with anger. I used prayer and have a vivid imagination, I took imaginary cruise ship vacations alone. I know it sounds corny, but it helped. I also would not have any contact with ow/oc until you are healed more,(if that's possible) it would be unfair to all involved. No one can be expected to make rational, healthy decisions right now.

Hugs and prayers to you!!!

All totally normal my dear. So you blasted him with some words, in the counseling session, totally normal. Everything you said is everything you are feeling right now. What is important here is that he heard you. Did he?

What was his reaction? Did he feel punched in the gut at being hated by his wife? Did he show signs of true remorse and shame for all he has done to you?

Honey, you are going to have days where you feel ok, and days that you feel crappy. But no way are you going to get through this by ignoring it.

Why did he have the affair? Has that been answered yet?

Either way this is part of it. So what if you blew at him, what did you expect? What did he expect? HELLLOOO, he has to face you and watch and see what he has done. This is HIS responsibility and fault.

Don't beat yourself up about being mad. It is a normal way to be. I would be far more concerned about you if you were all: "well, he is so sorry, we are going to be ok.....I will love oc as if my own....." That would be totally unrealistic at this time. You do need to process all of this.

Take care of yourself. TELL HIM what you want or need. "...I want you to pick up take out tonight cause I need to be alone...." Then fill a hot bath, and relax. Have a big bathroom? Bring in a tv/dvd player and watch a movie from the tub. Ignore all responsiblity and relax. You need to take care of yourself. So start right now.

As for the AD's that is a personal choice. To help your body get rid of the tension and anxiety, make sure you are out there walking and getting rid of the adreniline. You are worth it.

As for the whole oc issue. Don't worry. Once oc is born and if you choose no contact as what is best for your family, it all just becomes a minute detail. I'm serious. Your life will be fine and you will thrive.

For now, go to the sessions and let it out. Your entitled to be honest and to discuss how you are feeling. What did you think you would be like and saying?

You are going to be fine!!! I promise.

Faithful,

I also read your story and can see myself in many of your posts. Some of the suggestions you received in the Pepperband thread sound like things I can try.

I am currently working on ME. Focusing on my H was killing me. Perhaps a change of focus would help you too? This is something I really need to do. I have been spending so much of my energy thinking about the betrayal, the pain, the OC that I'm literally making myself sick. It's the doing that's the hard part.

<small>[ November 16, 2004, 07:00 PM: Message edited by: Crynsomuch ]</small>

Happy,

You can and will get through it, though. It takes time and unitl you feel "right" again don't make any life-altering decisions I know that I'm not prepared to make any life alterring decisions at this time. I can barely tie my shoes without intensely focusing on it. I know that divorcing could be something that I might regret... Therefore, I'll give it a little more time and prayer before I make a choice. It's sometimes hard to see a light at the end of this tunnel though.

<small>[ November 16, 2004, 08:42 PM: Message edited by: Crynsomuch ]</small>

LynnG,

What was his reaction? Did he feel punched in the gut at being hated by his wife? Did he show signs of true remorse and shame for all he has done to you? His reaction was nothing. He does not show emotion very often. His voice sounded irritated but, I'm sensitive enough to his moods to know that this is how he repsonds when he is stressed out. However, when I hear the irritation no matter what the underlying cause I get even more upset.

Why did he have the affair? Has that been answered yet? To date I am not satisfied with his answer. It was convenient, he was drunk, she was available and his life was stressful. He obviously has deeper character issues that I want him to explore more fully in IC.

Don't beat yourself up about being mad. I'm not just mad. I'm raging angry. Not just at him but at her and that child (I don't care if that's not PC, I hate them both). I hate the whole damn world right now.

As for the whole oc issue. Don't worry. Once oc is born and if you choose no contact as what is best for your family OC is one year old and NC is the path we have chosen. The whole concept of my husband making a baby with that hoor kills me.

For now, go to the sessions and let it out. Your entitled to be honest and to discuss how you are feeling. The more I let it out, the more he seems to pull away, the more I feel this is hopeless. I'm sure he's scared to death to be near me. For anyone that remotely believes it's easier for the MM to stay with his wife they should stay at our house for a week. He'd have to be dead to be any closer to living in hell than he is now. My head tells me that this is not the right approach, but my heart hurts so much that I can't stop myself from being vicious.

You are going to be fine!!! I promise. Please don't break that promise

Cryn

<small>[ November 16, 2004, 08:48 PM: Message edited by: Crynsomuch ]</small>

Ok Slow down. Are you raging at him all the time? The reason I ask is that if this is ALL you think/talk about it that is not good for you at all. It keeps picking at a scab.

At some point you have to CHOSE what you want. If it is the marriage, you are going to have to work on letting go of the rage in a more constructive manner. When you feel all riled up start walking as fast as you can. Use that rage as a plus for you and your health, not a negative. The ow/oc are not worth your health.

You are entitled to feel whatever you want to the ow/oc, cause they don't matter to you at all. Your "thoughts" don't hurt anybody anyway. However, since they are a moot point, and nothing but a monthy check, why give them the power? Your husband has chosen to stay and fight for his marriage to YOU. He has left his mistakes (ow/oc) in the past and is probably deeply regretting all of it. But what do you want him to do now? He can't erase it. He can't take it back. All he can humanly do is be sorry, and make it up to you. Since you do not want contact, and he is 100% supportive of that choice, he is putting you and your needs above all others. That is all he can do right now. But he is showing you that ow/oc are not a priority with him, and that your feelings and wishes will be held above theirs CAUSE HE LOVES YOU AND IS TERRIBLY SORRY FOR WHAT HE HAS DONE.

So, while it is ok to let him know of your hurt and pain, it is also up to you to work on YOU and move forward. Why not put this aside, and spend some quality time with him? Let him make this up to you. Let him hold you and kiss you. But NOT to soothe your heartache, but to seduce you. You need to spend happy times as a couple, not as parents, or workers, or homeowners, etc. But as a man and woman. SEDUCE HIM AND MEAN IT. Set up a romantic scene and go for it. This ow/oc are nothing, just a mistake. Work on putting it in the past and live for today and the future.

Holidays are coming up, make them festive. ENJOY YOUR LIFE, FAMILY and HUSBAND. Quit letting a mistake control you. YOU CAN DO THIS.

Today, make it a point to NOT dwell on the past. Save that for counselors. Also, if there is something you specifically need TELL HIM. Tell him that when you feel raged and under pressure, it would help that he hug you instead of feeling defensive.

You will be fine as long as you don't let this consume you. ow/oc are not in your life, so move on, move forward. The greatest revenge is to live, love and laugh. You can be happy if you CHOSE to forget about them. They are not worth your thoughts. BE HAPPY TODAY!!!

I'm sorry that you are having to go through so much pain. I never realized how angry, actually raging, I could ever be until I had to deal with my xWS affair resulting in an OC. My oh my, I was steaming and held nothing back at one point. I didn't know I was capable of such depth of negative feelings. Affairs are such an extreme wounding. With that deep wound comes deep reactions.

I know you said you were strongly against medication (anti-depressants), some of it due to family history. You talked about how temporarily lessening the pain wasn't going to make it any more bearable. I certainly don't know your family history, nor the reasons you are strongly against taking medications. I'd like to throw out a few ideas/thoughts. Not because I'm pro-meds, but because I know alot of people have ideas about meds. that may not be accurate.

I know that I didn't want to take A-D because I didn't want to be dependent on anything outside myself to help me. I was already feeling like so much of my life was out of my control, that I sure as h#%& didn't want to feel like something else was now going to "control" me. I was sure I could talk it out, feel it out, reason it out, through IC and MC. The problem occurs, however, that when we go into stressful situations that old "flight-fight" pattern kicks in, and our brain and body chemistry is altered to try and assist the stress response. It works in the short run, which it was meant for. In the long run, however, if the stress continues, those "valves" (hormones), which alter our brain and body chemistry to help manage a crisis, get stuck wide open. The body and brain remain in an "all alert" status with the accompanying chemical changes. Eventually these chemicals can become damaging to the brain and body as they create imbalances within the system. What chemicals worked for a short term crisis, do not work well to maintain the body on a regular basis. Talk therapy cannot always make a shift in this chemistry.

If you don't get the chemistry back in balance, it can affect your mood and thought processes. Therefore, you end up working from an altered brain, anyhow. A-Ds can help bring the brain chemicals back into balance. They can help "re-fuel" the chemicals that were depleted in the crisis. So, you're not getting an artificial "high", or trying to cover pain, but trying to get back into balance.The balance helps you think and respond in a way that is more consistent with who you were when your chemistry was balanced.

Now, I'm not talking about tranquilizers (Valium, Ativan,). They are a short term fix that can alter mood artificially. They are also addictive. So if there is any family history of addiction/alcoholism, it's generally not best to take tranquilizers. One would be at a higher risk for addiction to the pills.

Obviously taking A-Ds is a very personal decision. But as I've said, I know many people who are misinformed, or who have inaccurate beliefs about what A-Ds do. They can literally be a life saver for some. (I do know that there are many scares in the general public when they hear about people on A-Ds who got more agitated and suicided. This can happen. That's why it's essential to work and communicate with a doctor you trust.)

Please keep coming back for support. Few who have not been through this experience can really understand the depth of our pain, much less why we would even consider fighting for our marriages. Take care.

<small>[ November 20, 2004, 03:16 PM: Message edited by: heartfailure ]</small>