This is a bit off-topic. But...I think it's really more a trigger issue than anything else. So...if anyone here has any thoughts or perspective, I'd love to hear them.

My wife became pregnant through a date rape eight years ago - shortly before she and I met. That child is our son. (I put my name on the birth certficate.)

My wife still feels a lot of scars from the rape. It's affected her views on sex, and really quashed her self-esteem and confidence. (She is slowly getting these back by attending college.)

She is a great mom, and she LOVES the child. But...she also admits that his presence is the main reason that she hasn't sought counseling to deal with the rape. In a nutshell, she is concerned that re-opening that box will unleash a lot of feelings that she has repressed - and that she will grow to hate/resent her son. Already, she admits, she seems some similarities. When he was born, she said, she was scared by how much his hands looked like his biological "father's." I think she is primarily afraid that she will see more of these similarities if she looks the incident squarely in the face.

Again, I know that this isn't an exact parallel to an OC situation. But...any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

Hi Andrew...

My son is the product of a sexual assault by a married (ex)friend of mine. I too, now have a loving man in my life who will eventually adopt my child...

But I know how your wife is feeling, all too well.
There was actually a moment when he was a newborn and I found out who his father was (I'd gone through my pregnancy thinking my child was my then boyfriends)I could hardly look at him. I was soooo ashamed, but for a week or so I could hardly stand to pick him up and hold him. I almost gave him up for adoption to a family member.

THANK GOD I got my rear end to a wonderful therapist, and she helped me work through it. My child is the light of my world, but I certainly still have my "moments", especially because my child is the spitting image of his father...

I hope you and your wife find healing, it is a lifelong process...

I just wanted you and your wife to know you're not alone, and I'd be happy to help you in any way I can.

~M&TB

MeNtheBoyz,

Thank you for your reply!

My wife told me today that she has gotten the contact info for a local rape survivor group. Hopefully, that will be a good start for her.

I have one other question: what should I expect from her as she begins to work through this? I want to give her whatever support she needs. I understand that she will have to face some ugly memories and emotions. Is my role basically to be the shoulder that is there for her to lean on?

Oh gosh, Andrew, it is SUCH a personl experience that I really can't tell you what to expect...

However I think it is VERY important that you give proper attention to YOUR feelings as she explores this issue. Find YOURSELF an individual therapist, or perhaps there is a spouses support group within the rape crisis center she contacted...
As she shares things with you, you may have very serious angry/disgusted feelings of your own, and while you MUST address them, it shouldn't be to her, because the last thing she needs is to KNOW how disgusted you are...know what I mean?

It is paramount to her healing process that she feel you still love her and that you don't see her as "damaged" goods. Of course, it has been long enough since the rape that she *should* know that, but as she dredges up these feelings and memories, she may have moments of doubt.

The best advice I can give you is to make sure she realizes every day that you are THERE for her, that her experience won't scare you away, and that you love her.

Thank you very much, indeed, MNTB! I know this will be along, difficult road for her. And I will be there every step of the way.

Hi Andrew,

I will pray for you and your wife. I was raped as a child and now help child survivors of rape. I'm not a counselor, I'm a big sister at our local foster center for these young girls who cannot live at home now because their rapist was their guardian.

I'm not sure what to expect from your wife, but I can tell you generally what these girls go through as I went through it myself.
1. Inability to see themselves having a real future. They tend to live in the moment.
2. Hyper-sexuality with no real intimacy, they want the control without having to deal with the intimacy. Love-less sex.(if you love her you make her feel vulnerable in the bedroom)
3. Flashbacks of the rape in the form of suddenly recalling something they had forgotten. This results in a mild -severe dissociation. (becoming temporarily emotionally detached to deal with the pain/fear/loss of control)
4. Rages, go fig self-explanatory, usually occurs after the dissociation fades from a flashback.
5. Need to be in control-your basic control freak and can also be in the form of manipulation.
6. Increased startle reflex.
7. Cannot/will not tolerate feeling "physically" trapped.ex: Don't argue with her while you are blocking the only exit from a room...she will do or say anything to get you to move, she's now in survival mode.

I hope that helps, but like I said I work with teens, so NTB is right, talk to a support group and ask her therapist what you can do to help and what behaviors to expect.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> 1. Inability to see themselves having a real future. They tend to live in the moment.
2. Hyper-sexuality with no real intimacy, they want the control without having to deal with the intimacy. Love-less sex.(if you love her you make her feel vulnerable in the bedroom)
3. Flashbacks of the rape in the form of suddenly recalling something they had forgotten. This results in a mild -severe dissociation. (becoming temporarily emotionally detached to deal with the pain/fear/loss of control)
4. Rages, go fig self-explanatory, usually occurs after the dissociation fades from a flashback.
5. Need to be in control-your basic control freak and can also be in the form of manipulation.
6. Increased startle reflex.
7. Cannot/will not tolerate feeling "physically" trapped.ex: Don't argue with her while you are blocking the only exit from a room...she will do or say anything to get you to move, she's now in survival mode.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WOW

I to was raped. Date rape as a teen. I have some of these things that you posted. Never thought it had anything to do with the rape. H has learned not to try and stop me from leaving, Xmm also, almost ran him over.....