I strayed in my marriage years ago and now have a child as a result of it. It’s something I regret terribly.

I have tried to savage a marriage that both my wife and I acknowledged was a mistake from day one, but don’t know if I can. She has no knowledge of the affair, but the guilt and remorse is tearing me apart. I sought counseling, but it was of no help. I don’t know where else to turn. I would like to post my story here and seek help, but I don’t want to offend anyone.

Please let me know if it’s acceptable and I will tell the rest of the story.

It's been kinda quiet around here, so be patient, people will respond.

Do you think that the guilt you are carrying is keeping you from REALLY working on your marriage?

this is a website dedicated to fixing the marriage if that is what your seeking. I dont think however not being honest to your wife is going to help you or your marriage. Im sure that everyone agree that if she doesnt know about the affair or the oc, your doing more damage than good. I would like to hear more of your story.

Did you seek counseling for yourself or both you and your wife (mc)?

Hi JohnDow,

I think that you are in the right place if you want to rebuild your marriage. However how can you rebuild it with this huge LIE you're keeping from your W? Are you in contact with the other woman/other child? Have you been all this time? what do you plan to do about it? Are you paying CS? Do you have any children in the marriage? What are your plans for them as well as your wife? What are their places in all of this confusion?

I don't mean to overwhelm you, but these are questions I think you need to know the answers to. I also think the only way to help your marriage is to be open and HONEST with your WIFE and yourself about all that has happened and all that might be to come.

Read all you can on this site, but HONESTY is one of the main concepts here! Can you do that? Will you do that?


JT <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

JD,

What you are being told here about honesty is true. My FWH just found out about my A from almost 10 years ago! He is really hurting at my hands and I consider myself cowardly for never telling him and giving our M a true chance at intimacy and healing. How can their be true closeness when you are holding such a huge part of your life secret? Please find a way to tell your W the truth. It will come out sometime and you want to be the one to tell her don't you?

Are you taking care of CS for the OC? Are you still in contact with OW? You definitely need to try to get your W in MC with you.

Hang in there and know that we are not judging you, just trying to help. Take my painful experience as an example of what NOT to do. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I appreciate the feedback and the honesty from all.

I have been married for 10 years and have 2 children with my wife, a third through the affair. I have been in contact with the other women all these years and up until last year I saw the child regularly. I have provided emotional, financial and any other type support to the other women for the last 6 years, while doing the same at home for my family. Other than my stupidity, I have been a good husband, provider and father to my children. I have tried to make a wrong thing right in anyway that I could, but it’s just not possible to fix something like this.

The other woman is in another relationship now, and my relevance in her life has diminished to almost nothing. Still, I do see my child a few times a year, but she does not know that I am her father. (It was an agreement that we made from the beginning.) I wish that this could be different. I love children and can not help but feel anything but love for her.

I want to be honest about the situation at home with my wife, but I know she will be hurt beyond belief and that it will end any chance of ever saving the marriage. I would be out the door moments after I told her and probably never see my children again. I know the hurt I feel in guilt for what I have done – I can’t fathom hurting my wife that deeply for the sake of being honest or clearing my conscious. It just seems it would do more damage than good.

As hard as I try to reinvest in the marriage, I feel like a complete phony at home and live in a constant state of guild and remorse for what I did. This has impacted all areas of my life. I feel like I have no right to be there and consider leaving for this reason.

I have sought counseling but it has not helped. I don’t know what to do.

John,

You know that this will come out sooner than later don't you? Wouldn't you rather it came from YOU than someone else? My H had to hear it from someone other than me and it hurts even more because of it. Don't be afraid to do the right thing. I would recommend you buy Surviving An Affair and Torn Asunder to read and for you W to read. If you are not in MC now, please find a C right away. Do you belong to a church? Can you find one of the spiritual leaders of the church to help you walk through this? Look at my thread on the recovery board regarding my H's discovery of my past A. click here

John, you can do this and I will pray for you and your W. You sound quite troubled and believe me I understand what that big load of guilt does to a person.

Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.