Hi there. I could use some advice or something. My husband just told me a week ago that he had sex with a woman we both know. This woman had been my best friend for 15 years, but she got me fired from my job (she is boss's ex-wife). I begged my husband not to talk to her anymore, but still did (happened six years ago)
I found out that it happened 2 1/2 years ago and she got pregnant. He says it only happened once time. He is very sorry that he hurt me. says he doesn't nor has he ever loved her, but he betrayed me. Now there is a child involved. I just don't know what to do.

I'm sorry i didn't introduce myself or give more information. Just really hurting right now. it's hard to think straight.
Been married almost 10 years - together 14 yrs.
Have a daughter that is almost eight. ow was maid of honour and god mother. haven't spoken to her in almost six years. husband refused to sever contact. wasn't a love affair, just sex, once, which obviously is enough to produce a child. I believe ow wanted to hurt me, continued talking to H in hopes of being the death of my M. H says he called her one night (we were having some problems), and when he got to her place, low lights (candlelight?) soft music and drink. He says he got drunk and doesn't know how it happened. Doesn't remember much. i don't believe that! but what can i say? I wouldn't want to remember the night i betrayed my family either. H doesn't know if he wants to maintain contact with 1 1/2 year old oc. i can't make a decision until i know what his intentions are. MY FAMILY IS FIRST!!!! WE SHOULD HAVE ALWAYS BEEN FIRST!!! This should never have happened. he was weak. what guarantee is there that he won't be weak again?
I just really need some advice or comforting or something. (maybe a noose for her?) God help me.

Betrayed,

Sorry you haven't gotten any responses yet. I know someone will be along soon to welcome to MB. Sorry for the circumstances that bring you here.
Just wanted you to know someone is thinking of you.

You need some counseling. Are you getting any?

Pep

Not yet...Still too new...don't know what the h*ll i'm going to do yet... thanks

((((HUGS))))

If it's any consolation (and I know it's little, believe me), it does get easier. The hardest part for me was to give up what I *thought* our marriage was so that I could concentrate on how it actually IS. Two totally different creatures, kwim?

Read this whole site, every single word. Then get counseling, etiher with the Harleys, or one in your area. NO decisions on anything should be done without POJA PERIOD.

Always always always know that you and your daughter are just as innocent as the oc. YOUR needs, wishes and lives are all you need to concern yourself with. While you and your husband work through this, be totally and 100% honest.

You can't be forced to welcome the oc into your home and family if you are not 100% willing and agreeable to that. (I am firmly and 100% against any contact with oc). Just as you can't force him into no contact unless that is what he wants. This is where the total honesty comes to play. If either of you are forced, the marriage will eventually crumble. Be honest and talk this out with a qualified professional.

As for your future, you will have one. You will be happy and your life is going on, today, right now!! Don't let this mistake control you or your future. Go and live, be happy, love. Spend time with your family. This is not the worst thing that can happen. Don't give it more importance then it deserves. Work through the mistake and get your marriage back on track, the decisions fall into place then.

WE chose no contact. We didn't want our family disrupted by the instrusion of the oc. I never wanted my children to have to suffer the embarrassment of their fathers mistake. I believe that contact is asking far to much of the family. We have gone on to live a wonderful life with fabulous children. We have lived with this for 17 years. It is soon over for us, as cs will come to an end in less then a year. We have enjoyed holidays, birthdays, family trips. We have put ow/oc in the past as mistakes, huge mistake to be sure. But we got past it and have been happy. There are others on here who have had difficult contact, choosing no contact afterall. There are some just starting on contact and hoping for the best. Then there are some who appear to have contact forced on them and they seem angry at others who do not choose contact. You will get all sides to this here.

You need to slowly work through all of this and come to a decision based on your family and your needs and what will work best for you. But no matter what, you will survive and be happy again.

Thanks for the kind words. It's difficult to deal with. Problem is, hubby was at the birth, held the baby, but says he hasn't had any contact since, just drive by the park and watch from afar. i can't deal with that. what i can't deal with is if he wants visitation. I want to pretend this never happened.

H says he wants to grow old with me, but what exactly does that mean? That he wants to have his cake and eat it too? don't misunderstand, he's hurting too. i know that. but it's his actions that brought us to this point.

I just have to try to sort through all the mess in my head, i guess. it's not easy, especially since i know the woman, and believe that she specifically set out to do this (get pregnant too!) She knows her cycle, practices the rhythm method, hasn't gotten pregnant in all her relationships!!!! What does that tell me? the obvious. trap!

I don't know how to handle this. Where do i start sorting through in order to start healing? There is so much pain right now. It seeps from my pores and colours my life with darkness. the only light i have is my daughter. Our daughter. who should have been the only progeny of either one of us while we are / were together.... Sorry, bit depressed at the moment. nobody knows as yet so i don't really have anyone to talk to...

Question: When do you tell a seven year old child that she has a brother? Especially when she asks santa for one every year?

God this hurts. I can't seem to stop crying, i'm not eating, i'm not sleeping. The only thing i can do is survive for my daughter.

Thanks again for listening. Sorry for being long winded.

In my opinion ... when you need real help with an issue as serious and as confusing and complicated as yours is... call an expert.

I highly recommend you call the number on this site for personal counseling with one of the Harleys.

Scroll up to the top of this page, and under the marriageBuilders name you will see "counseling" click on it and set up an appointment. It is expensive... but probably the best and most experienced experts concerning situations like yours...

Be PROACTIVE .... try not to be reactionary and defensive ... but PROACTIVE!!! Doing that will save you much heartache.

Pep

Honey, of course he wants to spend his life with you, he loves you. He made a huge mistake. But he loves YOU.

I agree with Pep. Call the Harleys. It would be time and money well spent as they are experts.

As for no contact with oc, I am with you! Pauy the check and move on. Leave the mistake in the past. Works best for all involved. You and your husband need to discuss this CALMLY and with a professional.

Bless you.

i just wanted to say thank you for all your support in my hour of need. Never have i needed it more. it just doesn't seem fair. our lives were finally getting back on track and he decided that he could no longer hold this from me if we were to have any kind of relationship. He should have thought of that before he scr*wed her. the time for healing will come, some day. whether we're together or not.

again thanks for listening.

Hi there. H and i had a talk last night and i told him that he would have to decide about whether or not he wants contact with his outside child. Once he makes that decision, then i can make mine. whatever that is.

well, near the end of the conversation, he told me that he wouldn't seek contact (visitation). I told him not to rush his decision (ha! he's known for almost 2 years, just told me less than two weeks ago) and make sure that this is what he really wants because neither i don't want him to end up resenting me or my daughter.

can anyone help me try to get through this? advice? how do i decide that i can allow my h to see this oc and feel that he is not giving this family 100%?

this is so confusing and painful... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

There is no need to rush anything right now. No ultimatums will do.

1. This is going to be part of your life for 16 years. So take your time.

2. You two, together, make the decision on contact or not. Not him, not you. BOTH OF YOU. You base the decision on what is best for you, him and your marriage and family. This is vital YOU NEED TO WORK THIS OUT WITH A PROFESSIONAL.

3. You should be focusing on honesty, and truth right now. The oc is not part of your marriage. So work on the marriage. What do YOU want out of your life? What are YOUR needs. Then let him know. Ask him to think about his and discuss them.

4. Find out why he had the affair. Has he taken resonsiblity for all the damage he has inflited upon you and your family? Is it what you need to heal?

5. Call the Harleys. They are the best.

Now, I want you to understand something. This is not the end of your life. You will not be miserable for the rest of your life, but you need to CHOSE to be happy. You can't sit and dwell on the past. You need to work through the past, to be sure, but don't dwell on it. If he is serious about loving you and wanting to stay with YOU, then set this aside for the Thanksgiving Holiday. Give your tired mind a rest and enjoy your family. Put all of this out of your mind.
At least for a few days.

As for contact? This doesn't have to be addressed immediately. You need to heal the marriage first, and get on solid footing THEN decide how you two will handle contact. Never should it be JUST what he wants. He may THINK he wants to be daddy, and has not worked this all through. He may not realize how this could effect his family. This all needs to be addressed. Maybe, after this is all worked out, you may not be so against contact, so why paint yourselves into the corner from the get go?

TAKE YOUR TIME.

But know that you can and will be happy again.

So please, take a few days and set this aside. Be happy and love your family. This is not going away, there is no magic wand that suddenly makes it all better. So enjoy the times you can and take it one day at a time.