Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 1,383
OP Offline
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 1,383
Regarding your post on "I have the oc, now what?", you quoted me on...

"If x-om wants to pursue the matter, he will have to fight for it in court, as you and your H are the only ones who can easily contest paternity. I wouldn't hand him anything or make anything easy on him, whatsoever, unless of course your H and you mutually agree that you want this guy involved somehow."

Then you went on to say:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Ceres, others, I feel the above statement is not really fair.

This seems to completely go against what most do not find fair-- that the FATHER has no rights.

Ceres, this is HIS baby too. This gives him a right to know his child REGARDLESS of what you and your H want, only. I hate to read this from a MOW, really... this just confirms how little the fathers are considered or given a choice. A situation was created here, by 2 people-- and now both should have equal rights to this child if wanted (unless unfit of course).

I don't want to upset you Ceres, as I'm sure this is already what you realize. I do not think it is right to make a father prove he is the father when you know he is.

I'd suggest, Ceres, to try to stay completely amicable with him right now..... don't REMOVE his rights and act like a dictator in this-- that seems to almost surely make someone FIGHT just to FIGHT, know what I mean? He lives very far, and he is very young. I don't see him being a real relevant part of the child's life,now- but the hard to swallow part is, that he does have that right.

Hopefully you will all be able to make a decision that is done without hate and bullcrap- which can be hard, I know. I think your H needs all the consideration in the world in your decisions, yes, but when it comes right down to it, he can't make all of them.

Hugs to you girl, I can imagine how trying this time is- and I pray your marriage can be strong and hold together in a way that prevents OM to harm it in any way-even if C does have to happen because he insists.

Everyone is so down on fathers who dont want to know the child-- and you are stressing because he does. All of these situations are tough- but can work out... if the adults are willing to really work towards the child's best interests,only. Hang in there!

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">gio~

You may find my statement unfair, but it's the law and a fact in most states. That fact and my own personal experience is why I made the suggestion to ceres.

An x-om can seek a paternity test, but when the woman is married, it's more difficult to do. That's just the way it is, because the H is LEGALLY considered in most states to be the father. The x-om can try to exert his rights, but only through the courts, UNLESS the woman and H willingly agree to DNA.

I didn't suggest to ceres that she fight him or be a dictator. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I basically suggested her and her H do nothing for now. By doing nothing, it does make it more difficult for the x-om, but it's not taking anything AWAY from him. If she and her H choose to do nothing, that is their right by law to do so, and it is also, in NO WAY removing the x-om's rights. He knows he may be the father, I'm sure he's quite capable of checking into his rights and asking a judge for a paternity test, if he really wants to be a part of this baby's life.

I would think most BW and their WH's, (and I've actually heard quite a few BW say it), would be only to happy if the OW were M and has a H who is willing to raise the baby as his own, and requiring no CS.

Oh and a couple other things... For the record, I am NOT a MOW. My x-om was a SG, there was no W, nor GF, thus no woman to be another woman to. I'd really appreciate it if you did a little research before you assume things. I've been around here a little while now, so it's not too difficult to figure out.

Also, how did my statement confirm to you how little fathers are considered or given a choice??? Maybe what you said was not directed at me personally, but you said it in reference to my statement, so I AM taking it personally. Seeing as you don't know my situation, then you certainly don't know what transpired with x-om upon my P. I told him of the P. I told him he is probably the bio-father, but that I was going back to my H, and I asked him if he would leave me, the baby and my H alone, and in peace. He willingly agreed. I asked him, I didn't tell him. Big diff. There was more to the conversation, but trust me, he had a choice and he was considered. If I didn't consider him, I would not have told him at all. Okay now, this is a grown, adult man, so if he wanted to check into his rights/paternity, regarding the baby, or if I ever even had a baby, he could do so, and he is free to do so.

My H and I have not done a DNA, and have no plans to ever do one. How is that stripping rights away from x-om, especially when he was told up-front he's probably the bio? Did you know that some judges have even told bio-dad's, (who came back on their own, seeking paternity, months/years later saying, "but she never even told me she was P..."), that by virtue of the fact the man had sex with the woman, he should've realized the potential of a P, and it was up to him to check into it sooner?

Some laws may suck, but we can work to change them. This particular law, in my case has been a God send. I'm sorry if that offends you, but it's just plain true for us. My H is protected, by no C w/ x-om. My M is protected by no C with x-om. And yes, even our baby is better off without him. He has all the dad he needs in my H. I'm sure x-om is better off as well. I really believe that. He is able to move on with his life, marry, and have children, without bringing extra burdens into the M. He and his future wife and family are free from added stress, drama, and unnecessary financial burdens.

AD, (resident WW w/ probable OC, but not a MOW...hey, WW is label enough for me, thank you very much!) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ November 22, 2004, 04:51 PM: Message edited by: Autumn Day ]</small>

Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 594
Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 594
Autumn.... sweetiepete... I missed this totally till now! I'm sorry! I didn't mean to hurt you in any way! I think you are a fine and wonderful woman!!!!

I AGREE with EVERYTHING you just said to me.. unfortunately, I hit buttons for you because it was so close to home. To me-- I would have never realized I'd upset you - I was only offering the opinion regarding hiding or completely disallowing the xom to have the chance to be a father IF he wanted to be. I think its anyone's right. YOU were up front- and THAT makes ALL the difference!!

I do not think it is fair to anyone under any circumstances (unless of course there is abuse involved by xom)... of continuing any sort of lies after an A in any way- and that would include lying or hiding the possiblity of paternity.

And the MOW- true, I don't have all the info on everyone here and its hard to remember everything.

Please know that I am sorry if I pinched your nerve!! I adore your honesty, your insight and even your hurt feeling about my post--lets me know that you are a sensitive and caring person.

Just another reminder to me and to everyone here-- that we all (myself included) need to be careful of what we say regarding ow... because you are a fow who reads here and has great input- and can be hurt by our words- even when not directed really towards you personally they hurt.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 15,284
Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 15,284

I thought I would respond on AD's post rather than others here since the conflict seems a bit much these days.

You want to know a real travesty. IF the W who is pregnant by OM, doesn't tell the H, after two years HE is financially responsible for LIFE for this child even IF DNA subsequently proves the H is not the father. So the law that helped AD, if in fact any help was needed, also works against an H if he is not informed of the affair that led to a child.

So the "rights" of the "father" are at least available to be upheld but the rights of the H can really be stomped on. In short when it comes to men, the issue of "rights", "responsibilities", and "fairness" (whatever that means <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ) are a big mess.

Ultimately though what is best is often that the family is protected especially if there are other children involved.

There seems to be no easy, straightforward, or clean way out of these messes. That is why I find the quibbling on this site these days so annoying. Somehow people seem to think all of this can be neatly put in a box: OW here, OM here, H there, W here, child... It just doesn't work that way as is clear.

Must go,


Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (1 invisible), 109 guests, and 67 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
purple17, cbm800, Dodo M, Kingpin, MikaylaVaux
71,729 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5