(x)H works overnight with Tuesday and Wednesday nights off. Yesterday morning he said he had to work. You know that gut feeling in the stomach that you get when they are lying ...well, I got that ...
He left at 8pm ... I called him at 9:15, by this time he was supposed to be working. He didn't answer the phone.

Took the car and went to OW house. Yes. He was there.
He said that she called him saying that OC was sick. That he called work to say he was coming late. I told him I didn't beleive him. She came out. He told her not to say anything. She left. He said that I should go home and not worry about anything.
OW came out and threw his jacket outside.
I told him, how could I ever trust him again if everything he said to me were lies. That I was not going to live like that, that what he did on Thanksgiving (he spent the day with OW and her family) hurt too much and that he kept doing things that were hurting me.
He took his jacket and said, now I have to go to work.
I left. He left.

Checked his cell calls this morning. Lies, lies, lies. She called him, he called her ... they talked during the night.

Sent him a text message: You lost me and your daughter. I hope that when I come home this afternoon you will not be there.

I feel so sad ... dead inside ...

((((Mily))))

I'm sorry for your pain and loss. Have you read about PLAN B?? There is the possibility that through the separation and a good Plan B, your H might come out of his fog. It's good that you are setting boundaries, even though it hurts. I'm sorry.

Hug,
J

Jeeny, thanks.
Do you reallythink is worth it to do a Plan B?
I'm so hurt right now.

Hi Mily, I am not an experienced MB er but from what I have read about it, Plan B sounds like your next option. Obviously whatever your doing now isn't working right? There's a saying that goes something like "It's useless to think that by repeating the same mistake one day you will get a different outcome" Not that your making a mistake, but it's the saying. Good luck. You'll be ok.

STRONG STRONG STRONG Plan B. This man is getting away with way to much.

You deserve to be happy and to have a life full of happiness and love. What he is doing is cruel and should not be tolerated. You need to pack up his belongings if he doesn't.

Be strong, be true to yourself. These types of things do not resolve themselves overnight. So take some time here. Remove him from your life to stop the abuse of your heart. THEN go on and plan your holidays. CHOSE to have a good time and enjoy them with your daughter. DO NOT allow this man and his actions to ruin one more day of YOUR life.

I know it will be hard. But take some time for YOU. Get together with friends, shop, go to lunch, bake cookies. Engage in YOUR life and surround yourself with people who care. YOU WILL BE FINE. Just don't allow this to overwhelm you and seeing you end up obsessed about this.

What do you like to do? Hobby? Sport? Make sure you spend time doing just that. Your life should not be put on hold while this is going on.

I promise you, that no matter what the outcome of all of this is, YOU WILL SURVIVE and BE FINE.

So, take a shower, do your hair, put on some nice makeup, dress well, and go and live your life. DO NOT SIT BACK AN SULK. This will do nothing but waste a perfectly good day. So get up and get engaged in your life.

YOU CAN DO THIS.

I just went to the apartment. He took his clothes out. I gave him my plan B letter.
OMG ... this NC is going to be so hard but I know that I need to be strong ... for me and for my daughter. I can not let him keep hurting me anymore.

He has an appointment on Monday to go to IC. He said that he was going to go. I really hope that he'll do it and that he can open up to the counselor ...

What do I do about our daughter?
When do I let him go and see her? right now I don't think I can see him or talk to him ...

The divorce agreement had him visiting her on Monday, Wednesday afternoons and Saturday mornings. He never did because by the time we got divorced he was going to the apartment everyday and saying that he wanted to come back.

I can not let him take my daughter to be with OW. But then I can not let him go and visit her in the apartment either ...

Milly, you're at your last straw whether you Plan B or just call it divorce, right? So why not give Plan B a try? That's my thought. You can say you tried everything you know, whether it goes well or badly, know what I mean? It will all be on HIS head if he can't get his act together.

I've heard phone counseling with Dr. Harley from this site is well worth the money, too. Click "Counsel" at the top of pg.

Re: your daughter, is there any kind of neutral or semi-neutral go-between you can use? A relative or friend who is willing to help with drop-offs and pick-ups? It's very normal to not want your daughter around OW, but I'm not sure what legal standing you have to demand it (anyone help out here???)... Re: visitation schedule, you can use the state guidelines or use anything that you and H will both agree to.

For visitation of OC, we meet at neutral places, like fast food, church, school, and parking lots. We do not go to each others' homes. That could help in your situation too, esp. if you can get a friend or relative to meet him.

Again, I'm sorry for you and your dau.
Hugs,
J (in recovery 6y, visitation 3mo)

Jenny we are already divorced ... and one of the things he said when he came back was that he wanted to get married ... I'm glad I didn't take him seriously ...
For me is more Plan B, or call it quits for ever.

He came last night to see the baby and at first he tried to talk to me like nothing happenened ... I gave him the plan B letter at lunch ... either he didn't read it or he didn't think I was serious ...

Then the attitude he gets when he is with OW appeared ... like everything that's happenning is my fault ... I couldn't help myself and I started crying ... he was so cold ...
DD had an appointment today at the doctor's and he said to call him if I wanted him to be there.

After he left, I sent him a text message saying that I really meant - no contact between us and that he was only going to see the baby the days of the court.

I didn't call him ... I really want to do a good plan B ...

He doesn't get it <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
How hard is to look at an empty closet ... at empty spaces ... where your life used to be ...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> How hard is to look at an empty closet ... at empty spaces ... where your life used to be </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">((((MILY)))) My heart aches for you. I've been there...

I'll tell you EXACTLY what I did--- and I had a huge walk in closet (his half) to fill.... I REMOVED the emptiness by REPLACING those nasty painful empty hangers with MY things.... and THEN I'll tell you what else happened.. My H FREAKED when he saw that I IMMEDIATELY phased his spaces out.. it hurt him too- but that was just one of the little things he needed to see-- that HE was just as "replacable" as he had made me...

And as Lynn said-- it is imperative that you look and act healthy-- even when you dont feel it-- you will eventually. Let HIM wonder what YOU are doing- instead of him knowing exactly where and when and how to reach you. Dont answer his calls. Get a babysitter and GO ANYWHERE, even just to sit at a friends house.

I hate what is happening to you- the coldness from H- the evil is taking over him and you CANNOT go down with him ANYMORE. For YOU AND YOUR BABY, this DESTRUCTION OF MILY MUST END.

giovanna,
Thanks for your words ... I'll try to fix those empty spaces before he comes to see the baby again.
I won't let him see me crying and vulnerable ...
I'll add this to my signature ...
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> DESTRUCTION OF MILY MUST END </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Here it is ... my new signature ...

hi Mily,

Boy, your dates in your signature line sort of look like mine. Amazing how close they really are. I have a few questions for you as I am going through similar attacks.

So after you divorced your H he still tried to say he wanted to come home to you? Did he ever really take the divorce seriously? Does he ever throw up the fact that the two of you are no longer married? What exactly does he say about the two of you?

I hope this doesn't hurt you feelings, but I am asking because I have filed for D from my WH who is currently still living with his OW/OC. he begs and pleads on a daily basis that he wants us to work out, but of course has yet to do the work.

We have babies as well boy=3, and girl=1 so on some level I am trying to remain as friendly as posible, but he is just not getting it?


Just curious? Plus I think plan B is the way for you to go or since you are already divorced I think you should decide whether you want a life of happiness or a life of misery waiting on the possibility of change?
He knows you'll always be waiting for him so he does what he wants in the meantime! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

JT

woo hoo!!! (chanting M-I-L-Y M-I-L-Y!

That is where the start is... writing and saying things like in your signature line over and over. Out loud, on paper- in your head. You will, little, by little, start to live the words- to beleive in yourself.

Another thing that has helped me through all kinds of things that *I* needed to do for *me*... I used to sit and look in the mirror at my tired and stressed eyes and YELL at myself or just talk to myself. Tell myself YOU ARE AN IDIOT- YOU ARE BEING USED- YOU ARE WORTH SOMETHING- YOU ARE A DIVA!! It sounds strange- but to face yourself dead on in the mirror - well- thats God's child! God demands that you love and take care of HIS CHILD (you). Look into your own eyes and see how sad the situation really is- your eyes reflect it-- and THEN you keep telling yourself that you are going to GET A HOLD of YOUR PRECIOUS LIFE. THIS IS NOT LIVING!

You can either life this pathetic existence due to a man who obviously is NOT SUFFERING for you- he IS WITH SOMEONE ELSE...... OR you can START YOUR NEW LIFE WITH YOUR LITTLE PRECIOUS ONE TODAY. Six months from now will you be more beat down, tired, abused and sick... or will you be FAR INTO your NEW LIFE that you are living for MILY, GOD AND YOUR BABY?

If and when H comes to his senses- you will not have been waiting for him- you will be improved and new. I did it- many others did. Thats why I know and others here know-- how important this very week is to you in the LIFE DECISION you are making now. Time to be a soldier, my dear.

((hugs again)) ((big ones))

JT2,
The divorce process .... or should I say the expensive divorce joke ? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I remember when I was in my teens saying that I would never get married and if I did it would be forever ... and I really thought that it was going to be forever ...

I don't think I would had persue a divorce if it wasn't for my daughter. After he left on february, I went to a lawyer for counselig/gathering information. Very very good lawyer. A co-worker was going through a divorce too and I asked him for his lawyer's number ... he said no, I'll better give you hers. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

She was really great ... she adviced me in all the things that I had to do and all the things I didn't have to and all the places he was getting screwed up because he didn't have a lawyer.

He never took the whole divorce process seriously. When I told him I wanted to get a divorce, he said if it was going to be on mutual agreement grounds, like if it was a joke for him. No. The divorce was final on grounds of adultery and emotional abuse. He didn't care.

I didn't want to go to court ... it was too hard, so we received the papers by mail. That day I cried (more than usual). By that time he was already saying that he wanted to come back and his comment was that that was a perfect opportunity for us to start anew.

I was very honest with my laywer. I told her that I loved him and that I knew that eventually we were going to be together again but that I wanted to protect my daughter and my assets. She had some clauses (sp?) in the agreement that said that if we ever remarried or lived in together that the agreement was still in place (especially the CS). She had another one said that if I ever wanted to go back home (we both are from PR and all the family is there), that in good faith that I was going to keep contact with him, he was not going to forbid me to do so.

He never took it seriously. I think he thought it was something I wanted to do to get it out of my system. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

When we went to the counselor, she asked him how he felt about us being divorced. This was two weeks ago. He said again he wanted to remarry and that he never felt that we were divorced. That he always had referred to me as his wife and as his marriage. Yeah ... he is a little screwed up <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
He even showed excitement that we would remarry with the priest that we go to church now.

So far, he has never said or throw back that we are not married anymore.

The whole divorce process ... for those of us that take it seriously ... is very hard. Too hard. The harder thing for me was filling the questionnaires on emotional abuse and all the things that are categorized as emotional abuse.

I won't mind getting married again, but I don't think I can do the divorce thing ... I really think that those that marry and divorce like nothing happenened here, it was not real feelings they had for each other.

Mily,

I knwo what you mean, I feel guilt everytime I think about or do anything to move the divorce forward. My H doesn't even believe that I am going to go through with it. He acts like we are going to reconcile at any moment and really I would love it, but he has done nothing asked of him when dealing with OW/OC. He acts as though I should trust him and his commitment to us(his family). I had been doing that ofr ten months before I decided to stand up for me and my children. I know what you mean I am doing this to protect them moreso than myself. They, we, did not ask to be in this situation, but here we are! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I know that I am probably going to still have problems with him even after I divorce and I am going to divorce because that is the only way to secure my childrens future. Mine as well if oyu think of it, but I do still love him sometimes I wonder why. It maybe for the fantasy that I have for our lives or for the one I always dreamed it could be. He was not all bad, just cheated and got another family started, but hey that does not help us.

I am just depressed over going to court on yesterday and I think I am second guessing myself to much. He has a way of making me feel guilty for him eventhough he is not doing right by his family.

Talk to you later, keep your head up,

JT <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Thanks everyone for your words of encouragement. I really needed them.
Talked yesterday with my counselor. I still feel sad and hurt but I think that finally I can see a little light at the end of the tunnel; where before I didn't know where I was or if I was looking in the right direction.

I feel like in a 'cloud' and that I know what I need to do. I just hope this is not another illusion and that I'm not going to crash later.
STRONG PLAN B ...
This was what I told myself the first couples of week after he left the first time and I will be saying them now ... KEEP YOUR HEAD HIGH. HE'S A LOSER. YOU DON'T NEED HIM.

H called twice and left messages. Did not answer him back.

I'll try to start a new life. One day at a time. ... one hour at a time. I have holiday lunch today. And after the 22 lbs lost ... I feel a little like a diva <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />
Gross old man made comments about me this morning when I was buying coffee. Stll gross ... but made me feel good.
Made plans for Saturday and Sunday with friends. So I have the weekend 'covered' ...

After so many years of worrying and thinking and caring for one person, I know is time to start worrying, thinking anf caring about me.

((((hugs)))

J2- WHAT IS UP with these clowns making us feel bad for them??? I HATE that- why can't WE RUN ALL OVER THEM without feeling love or guilt. My H used to do that to me also. I'd cry for 22 days straight without him even flinching-- and THEN one tear from him and I was helpless.

I guess that means we are much more loving and wonderful creatures-- BUT I STILL HATE IT!!! LOL! I WANNA BE MEAN without regard. Seems the big meanies in life always GET AHEAD, GET WHAT THEY WANT- AND WIN WIN WIN!! LOL

I know --- maybe here on earth, but still....... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

JT,
From time to time, I also second guess myself about the divorce. But then I think that without the CS, even when is not that much ... I might be in some financial problems while he is/was living with OW without responsibilities towards our daughter.
At first I wanted to do the CS from the day of when the divorce was final. The lawyer thought that he was giving me $$, something, even 5 bucks, but when I told her that since he left he had not give me any $$ ... she changed the CS to make it retroactive from the day he left.
Right now, he owes me a lot of money for CS.
Then if we had divided our assets and debts, I would have ended paying him money!!!! So to avoid that, I told him to keep his debts and assets and that I would keep mine and the ones we shared. Well, that was the part I got screwed, the ones we shared are a lot! ... but I didn't see it fair to share my assets (specially the ones from work) with him.
And also the main reason the agreement says that he would still pay CS if we remmarry or live together was to make sure that if he wanted to come back, it wasn't because he couldn't pay CS.

He has not say anything yet about the money issue but I know he is giving money also to OW for OC. Plus all the debts he has, he sure is in a good road towards bankruptcy.

And that's were I need to be strong not to try and resolve his problems <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> like I've done in the past.

I'm really glad I did not have to go to court ... I can't imagine how much difficult the whole situation would be, specially when we still care about them and worry about what's going to happen ...

Good luck with that ... be strong ...

Oh Mily! My heart breaks for your pain! (((MILY)))

One day at a time, chica! We're here for you - just take every day in baby steps and it'll get easier!

Thanks Mily,

I really appreciate all of your insight on this whole issue. Let me tell you your last few statements are so true. Sitting across from him in the court room is so hurtful, because I know if it could be another other way I would want it to be. I have knots in my stomach the night before we go to court everytime. He does to apparently because he called all that night worried about what was going to happen in court. Although he may have been just covering his a$$.

Mily,
you just need to remember to remain strong and let him go on about his business. The good thing for you is that he has his CS already set up and you are Divorced. So the hard part is already a done deal, but I know it will be hard still.

G123, I don't know why they do what they do girl. Keep me strong girl I need it, seriously.

Love ya lots and Mily if you need me I'll be here!


JT <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />