I am going crazy. i don't know what to do. I think about all the details of the relationship that lasted approximately a month. i ask questions about details and i want to know but when i hear the answers it hurts. how could he do these things and not think about the consequences and for him to say he still loves me. i have not decided what to do, if i will stay with him or not. he has had a A one other time a one nite stand when he was away on a deployment. so he knew the consequences. we have been married 12 years and have a 4 year old that i know he adores. i know one thing is that i am leaving the city we live in now because i just can't be here because she OW lives here as well and i don't know what i will do if i run into her or see the OC. i am not ready for that. i feel like i am running away but i can't handle this. i am leaving the home and city that i love and leaving everything we worked for. but he didn't thin about that so why should I. Am i wrong for leaving? please someone help

Hi

How long have you known about the A/OC? If this fresh, there are things you can do to protect yourself...

LynnG is better at words than I... but please read as much as you can..here. I know you feel like you are in hopeless situation...but there are things you can do to survive this.

I was in your shoes many years ago... but I fought to win my life back...

Where does your H say about all this?

Welcome to our board! Keep posting ..keep talking...most of us have been where you are...

wiz

I just found out 2 weeks ago about the A and OC. so it is very fresh.

NO you are not wrong.

We usually recommend that BS do not make any rash decisions right now. Take a deep breath, or ten. LOL

This feels like the enitre end of the world for you but it is NOT. WHatever happens, God is w/ you & always has been. YOu will survive & be ok.

Sorry if I am repeating things you have already heard, I am not familiar w/ your story & have not read your other posts.

If you think you need some space & time to get away & think about things...then by all means do it. Make sure to go someplace where you can be loved & cared for, w/ supportive family or friends. Support, as in will support your decision, in whatever you decide.

You need a strong shoulder to lean on & cry on right now. OF course, well meaning friends will want to take your side but you also need those who are strong enough to support your marriage through this as well if you decide that.

MAny marraiges have come through your same situation & lived to tell about it. It won't happen over-night but it can happen. It is not easy but it is well worth it in the end if both spouses are willing.

Hang in there hunnybunny---the boards are slow on the weekends.

sincerely,
kt

oh yah------if you are going to separate anyway....do it LEGALLY!

In most states, who ever gets their CS set up FIRST, gets the most. REALLY! They will not care who is born first. SO.....set up an appointment w/ an attorney & get legal separation papers drawn up, w/ Cs & everything.

IF you get back together-then great, more $$ is secured to stay in the family, if not then you are taken care of.

That is one the first things Lynng would say.

I'm so sorry hunnybunny--this is still so fresh & new to you! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

sincerely,
kt

I am so sorry downandout34...

I know how utterly devastated you are feeling. If I understand you correctly..the OW had the baby already? How does your H know its his for sure? Any DNA testing done?

How does he know this "woman" ( and I use that term very losely...usually I call them poptarts)

Anyways, please don't allow this horrible situation ruin your life...

If there is any advice I can give you...is read all you can..under LynnG profile..click on her previous posts. She breathe of fresh air. She was once where you are.

She got a lot of legal advice to give you..
The first thing she is going to say is get yourself a baracuda of a lawyer...

I'll try and go look for her links...

Be back later. Please hang in there. Your not alone. We are here for you.

Wiz

Help, I just found out that the OW has sent H pictures through the email and mail. so he has seen this baby but he said he was curious and destroyed the pictures and the emails of the pics. But he hurts like hell to know he has seen this child that he says he wants nothing to do with. I just cused him out and told him not to call me again. I am out of my mind with grief and have no one to talk to and my 4 year old is sitting her watching me. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I don't have a lot of time to wirte now, but I will come back later. Let me tell you something, right now you are in the hell of your life, you feel like nothing else in this world could be worse....it does get better I know you cannot see that now but it will. Pray hard and pray often, God will carry you through this. I will talk to you more later. My stats H 34 Me 29 married 10 years, three girls 10, 4, and 2, Affair happened 4 and 1/2 years ago, oc 3 1/2 no contact. My marriage today has never been better!
Yelo

Downandout,
Don't do anything yet. give yourself some time to see what you REALLY want. As you can see from this board, you are (unfortunately)not alone in dealing with this. If it gives you hope, my H husband had an affair 12 years ago; we had another child while dealing with this and the OC was born 4 mos after our child was born. We pay CS and have NO CONTACT. That is the way he wanted to go.
You also mention "deployment" so I am guessing he is military. That brings other things into the situation. He doesn't want to be charged with committing adultery. If he is active duty military, then their are marriage counselors on post/base. They do NOT tell anyone what goes on in sessions, so no one would have to know in his chain of command what is going on.
What I suggest are:
1. See a lawyer and find out what your rights are in a divorce, child support etc. Again, if he is active duty military, you can see a JAG lawyer and discuss your options, but will have to get a civilian lawyer to handle child support and/or divorce. They can give a list of lawyers that are reservists and help military sometimes for free. Be sure you get the meanest one you can find, one who will fight for YOU.
2. Find a counselor and get into counseling with your husband, especially if you want to keep your marriage.
3. Go thru the information here, there is a lot of good information here.
4 don't do anything drastic now, like moving.
You mention moving from a place that is your home and you love that place. If you do that you remove yourself from friends and your support system I would think. You are also allowing her to "win".
5. You can get thru this. It won't be easy, but if you can recreate your marital relationship and make it better, you will create a better life.
You will have taken a bad situation and made it wonderful.
6. He has to do his part. That means he has to give up the OW, and the OC possibly if that is what it takes. He will still have to pay CS, but you all don't have to be involved with "her" child. (This will get me slammed, but financially it is theirs, but we always felt it was the OW's child. She knew he was married, she knew she was taking an antibiotic that would denigrate Birth Control pills, she could have bought condoms and insisted he wear them; she knew he was ending it. Yet she did nothing and ended up pregnant. She didn't have to keep the OC, she could have given it to us, or let another coule adopt the baby. She chose to be selfish and keep her child.)
7. Take care of yourself during this time. I mean both emotionally and physically.
8. Talk to your husband, don't nag, talk. See where he is now about his affair and the marriage.
9. Remember you are stronger than you think.

"I am woman, hear me roar!"

All of the Harley books are good. Another book I used was DIVORCE BUSTING. It helped me a lot.

Good luck
Texasgirl

We will be celebrating our 31st wedding anniversary soon. His affair occured at 19 years.
We have come a long way.

<small>[ December 07, 2004, 12:44 AM: Message edited by: Texasgirl ]</small>