The OC is due in May. My H and I are doing great right now with NC from OW, I wish this didn't have to change, but we are choosing C with OC when it is born. My question is how did this go for those of you who have/had C. I feel like I won't blame the OC and will be able to deal with that part of it. But I know how much H adores our 3 children together and can't imagine how I will feel seeing H with Oc. Will it be too much? We always look at our children and compare who they're like, me or him and we always think of "us" when we see them. What will it be like with OC? I just don't know if this will be an obstacle I will ever overcome. For any of you with contact, how did this go for you? How did you reconcile this within yourselves, if you did.

Well.....

It was a struggle at first because we wanted contact. We tried to do it on OW's terms, but we got tired of jumping through hoops real quick! lol
We didn't have contact until all legalities were established. Which meant lawyers, judges, beaurocrats, and waiting....waiting....waiting.... That is one thing you should be prepared for. It is a "hurry up and wait" process. Everyone wants the info yesterday and you kind of have to sit back and not drive yourself insane.
My family was already in counseling before we met OC. THAT helped tremendously!! Everyone knew where each of the family members stood. Plus it was espcially important for our 2 children to be prepared.
I love OC. I have been able to easily draw a line between OC/OW. My biggest rule for myself is,"DON'T SAY ANYTHING BAD ABOUT OW IN FRONT OF OC!".
Hope that has helped a tiny bit.

ent

CDJ, I know that contact is one of the hardest things you will go though in this healing process. You shouldnt worry about the contact issue until closer the the time for the OC. Legally there is nothing you can do right now. A DNA test can be done, but w/ the risk invlved I doubt the OW would agree. Please just work on your M. You are going to need to be closer and honest and together when the time comes! Right now all you can do is get as much information on YOUR rights as a family. See what the C/S and visitation laws in your state are. When it gets closer to the time you and your H need to come to a POJA on visits and what is best for your family. Find an attorney that is informed on this type of situation! Has to be done legal, there is no other way! You will have to work on when, where & how to tell your children. Watch them closely. The younger ones will not really understand as much as the older ones. The older ones show more aggravation of it all.I will tell you to expect ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. That is why its so important to be working on nothing right now but your M! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Almost 90% of the M couples here choose NC, its what is right for their family. Search your heart and soul, on why you want this. YOU not anyone else. Dont put aside your feelings for the sake of any of your children or H. Be honest w/ him and yourself. I dont care how much you tell yourself you can and wont have this feeling or that type of feelings. Cause YOU will. You will examine your motives for wanting the C when the OW starts crap, and most do, not all. You will have to come a realize that you are a STEP mom, with no legal rights to this child that you bring into your home and care for as your own. And you will have other people questioning your motives. Dont start anything that you dont plan on doing for the rest of your life. If you allow OW and or H to do this or that well most of the time it snow balls. Set your ground rules what do YOU want. This is important and I am now working at that stage in all of this. If you read my post you will find I have stated from day one on C w/ OC. And I love him w/ all my heart, couldn't imagine life w/o him. Its hard on my M, its hard on my D, its hard on the OW to release a child, whom she and my H made me his step mom, and I agreed by staying. But do alot of searching and alot of praying and keep in touch.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

Oh here are some web sites to start with.
Childrens Justice

Fathers Rights

Divorice Net- c/s and visitations issues
Hope that helps
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

On the whole 'comparison' thing......for me, I would focus on the atributes that OC had of my H.

She had his curly hair, so I would compliment her on how nice her hair looked, 'just like daddy', or how she loved to draw & would tell her maybe she will be an artist like her daddy.

Yes, there were physical attributes & characteristics like OW, but I tried to ignore those & focus on what she had inherited genetically from H. If I found myself getting annoyed becuase of reminders of OW, I focused on the similarities bewteen OC & H.

And people who didn't know, well they never knew anything. Unless there is a major racial difference, families come in all shapes, sizes & colors now so no one is the wiser. Most would say we had 2 that looked just like H & 2 that looked exactly like me, even though 3 were from me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> go figure! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

If you decide this is what you want to do & what is best for your family, then realize that this is a CHOICE you are making, no one is forcing you to do this.

EVERYTHING must be done legally from the beginning, set your boundaries & stick to the them.

I think C w/ OC slows down the recovery & healing process of the marriage & do not think it is a positive situation to be in. I know this is only my POV but I stand by it. It creates constant unneccessary stress & conflict within the marraige that can be avoided. Especially so soon after the 'fact'.

I stand by my advice that C w/ OC should be avoided.

It is a constant reminder, how can it not be? But reminders are not always negative but they are there.

Hope it works out for you & your marraige heals from this nightmare that has been created. It can & you will recover.

Go on living & loving & focus on YOUR family & marraige for now.

sincerely,
kt