Hi Friends,


The court date for CS is this Friday Dec. 10,2004.
My dilemma is this; My husband has asked me to go with him. Should I go? This would be the first time I've ever seen OW and possibly OC if she brings him. I know that I can behave civil if I need to , which I'm sure I will. It's my nature to be friendly but in this instance I wonder should I tone it down a bit. I mean this woman slept with my H and knew about me ( she is a co-worker). So of course I don't trust her. I don't know whether to go in there with my guard up or not <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> Some of you girls have been through this. Please help me. I need some good advice and soon!!!!

Well, if you are going N/C. Then maybe I would go, but I would wait ourside. KWIM. She can ask you to be removed, just like if she brings the OC your H can ask for him to be removed. Have you read the C/S papers and do you agree w/ them? If so I dont even think he has to go. So I would check on that first. Plus you say you know how to act and be civil and all that, but dont put yourself in a situation where there maybe a chance based on her actions that you loose it. To me if you want to support your H and he wants you to be there. Then great, but I wouldn't want you to sit there and have all the pain, hurt, disappointment feelings you had when this started. Supporting your husband is fine, but dont let your feelings and heart be the expence of your support effort. KWIM? Good Luck.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

I would go if it was me, show her a united couple <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks girls,

And starfish, that's just what I was thinking " presented us (me & H) as a united front. But If anyone has anymore advice out there I sure would appreciate it please, please, please!!!!

Hey,

I know that this is going to be a hard thing for you to do, but I think if it were me I would definately go. I would want to be there to show her that I am still HERE and in control of my behavior and interested to every degree in my marriage. You must remember that this is your marriage and YOUR HUSBAND. What concerns him concerns YOU, but I would advise you to remain composed at all times. If someone is going to act up let it be her.

Even if she does ask for you to be removed it will show the judge that she is the vendictive one in this case. Be supportive and as kind and gentle as you must be for allowing her OC to be involved in your life in some way. Let her know that you are living with your choice and now she must do the same and move on with her life.

I hope I am not rambling, but I think you should GO by all means, but do not SAY A WORD while you are there. Hold onto your purse straps tightly (squeezing regularly) to keep from drawing blood when she says something stupid because I know she will!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

If it were me I would go and if he wants you there the more certain I would be about his commitment to your marriage. He chose YOU and it's time she dealt with it - just like you are having to deal with the fact that OC is here! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

So Go (Whew!)

JT <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ December 07, 2004, 12:13 PM: Message edited by: JT2 ]</small>

Thanks so much JT2.
That's exactly what I needed to hear.
I feel so much better now.
I'm going!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
Until I read your thread I was so nervous about this but not anymore. I realize I have every right to be there and show OW that she cannot "Divide and Conquer" this union. I'm going to keep it cool and show OW that I'm the bigger and better woman that's why my H chose me.
I really don't know how the OW's character is but I remember my H telling me that OW called him and said " Let your W know that I don't want you". My question to that is " If it was just a roll in the sack and you did'nt want him, why did you keep the OC? " And after I guess OW figured out that H wasn't leaving me she serves him w/ CS papers and then calls him saying she wants to talk to me.Of course when my H told me this I gave him the look of death <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> and he says he told OW " I don't think you wanna talk to her right now" and H was right at that time I wasn't ready to talk to OW. From what I gather OW seems really gullable and nieve or putting on a good act. I don't know what to expect but I'm ready. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Tan,

Go, but hey don't expect anything this is your H's bit. He has to handle her. Hey and let me tell you from experience you gain nothing from talking to her ever. You will never know the real truth so don't let that consume you. If you have decided to remain in your marriage you do what you have to do to keep that going. Put her aside.

I don't mean to let your H handle your dealings with OC alone if that's what you have decided to do, but having a fishing expedition on what happened or what H said to her is fruitless. OW will never tell the whole truth and neither will your H for that matter. so just love him and move on.

later,

JT <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />


Praying for ya!

Thanks JT2,

I will <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

For What!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> You are so welcome!! Keep me posted!!


Here if you need me!

JT <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hey there,

I too think you should go...

But since no one else mentioned it, I wanted to make sure you know that there is a strong chance you may not be allowed into the proceedings, so be prepared for that, okay?

It depends how your state does things. In many, including mine, only the two bio parents and their lawyers are allowed in the room. It isn't an open court situation where anyone can listen in.

Just wanted to give you a heads up on that!

<small>[ December 07, 2004, 01:37 PM: Message edited by: meNtheboyz ]</small>

Thanks meNtheboyz,

I'm from NYC and they don't allow anyone but the bio parents in the courtroom. I know I'll have to wait outside but I think my presence alone makes a strong statement <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hey tan..
I know how you feel. I had NO CLUE what OW looked like. The first time I saw her was at the first court hearing. I asked my MIL to go with me because I knew I would NEVER embarass myself in front of her.
When OW stepped off the elevator with her H, my MIL whispered to me, "There she is." I started laughing. I had this whole other pic in my head of what she looked like. It wasn't even close. She was a "Monet". Pretty from far away...but up close a real mess. LOL!
Didn't help me laughing though. She got mad and refused to mediate. Ended up going in front of the judge. I'm in TX. The only time I couldn't be with H was when they mediate. As for regular court, I was there.

ent

Oh you better believe I went! & I was 8 mos. pg. First time I ever laid eyes on that 'chick' as well. (5 years AFTER A) H needed me there too. OW had the nerve to say 'nice to meet you'! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I thought that was funny!

I'll give her credit for 'trying' or @ least putting up a good front for that intitial meeting.

'Monet'--that's a good one ent! My OW was not even that. I was so disappointed when I saw her---I just thought----you risked all this for that???!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> H had the nerve to say, "she looked different back then!" Not one of his brightest lines! LOL

In my state, anyone & their brother can be in the court room, just not upfront by the judge, only plaintiff & defendant. I have accompanied my H every time except once & that was just to get a judge's signature. Mediations over visitation issues are for bio's only though but I just wait outside.

When you get there......you don't need to talk to OW @ all, there is NO reason to talk to her @ all & none for H either. The DA does their stuff, interviews H & OW about financials ect & then they should go in front of the judge.

You should be able to stand in the halls & just avoid her. IF she dares to approach you......you can choose to listen to what she has to say or you can walk away--BOTH of you, not just you. I would say don't even respond though. It is hard...but show your class & dignity!

H spoke to her (friendly chit-chat about OC ect) @ our first court appearance, I was right there w/ him but didn't say a word. I couldn't even look @ her. But every instance after that (there were many), all 3 of us kept our distance from each other. We were no longer on 'friendly' terms. (baby mama drama <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ) We even sat on separate ends of the court room.

Tell your H to be VERY respectful to the judge & dress nice. As nice as he can be & still be comfortable. NO jeans!

Do you guys have a lawyer or are you representing yourself?

OH! & tan?-whatever you DO---do NOT act intimidated. IF you feel the least dip in your self-confidence or self-esteem, PRETEND that you don't! PRETEND that you are the most self-confident & assured woman there. IT really works. And if you feel the water works coming on----BITE your lip---HARD---it will STOP the tears! Really. Then when they go into the court room---you can go into the restroom to be alone, let it all out, wash your face, take a deep breath, & get a drink of water ect!

You are STRONG & you will get through this & you did NOTHING wrong! Hold your head HIGH girl!!!!!

sincerely,
ooo
xxx
kt

Thanks friends,

And ktbunch I'm showing up with bells on girl.
I'm definitely curious to see what my H risked his M for. I plan on only listening and observing the OW , but I wonder if she is bringing the OC? I think that would make me tear up. Me & H have no children together so we've always fantasized about what our kids would look like. All it's gonna take is for me to see OC and he turns out to look just like my H. They would be tears of joy and hurt, but I will not allow the OW to see me like that. I know I can do this <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

thanks,
Tan

If the OC is bought to the court room, please ask your H to consider asking if the OC could be removed. The paperwork we receive in Texas does ask that the child, or any children for that matter, to not be bought inside the court room. If she states that she didn't have anyone to watch the child, have you lawyer ask for the date to be reset so that she has time to find someone.

During my many court dates with both my exs, there has only been one time in which support people (anyone other than the bios) were asked to leave the court room and that was because it was an exceptionally busy day and space was limited.

My second ex bought his GF to the proceedings and I even agreed to let her stay in the court room when we transferred to a visiting judge. My ex was contesting everything and had refused mediation twice. The court had figured that most cases could be heard and decided within 10 minutes but with all our issues would probably take close to an hour. So a visiting judge was asked to review our case in a private courtroom and I was given the option by the judge of letting her enter. I had no bias against her even though it was she who had made my ex start questioning our initial agreement.

Defintely wear your best. I wore my best "dress" I owned and looked "fantabulous". lol
Just sit down with your H and make sure you know what you want if you decide for visitation. In TX there is no set visitation for a child under the age of 3. It depends on many factors in the judge's decision. We have 1st, 3rd, and 5th weekend of every month. Overnight visitations from 6 Friday to 6 Sun. The judge could order a "cooling off" period. Which they did with us, considering the circumstances, child of an affair.

ent

Ent,

I know that some of the typical agreements here also give the option of Wednesday night visitation and one full month out of the summer? Did you opt out of those or were they not offered?

Just wondering. I know enough divorced people who have trouble keeping up with the above two areas, more so than the every other weekend schedule. More often the non custodial parent decides not to exercise their rights some weeks or years for the summer option and it leaves the custodial parent bent out of shape especially if they had been looking forward to having a child free moment.

In my state all cases dealing with children are sealed. My case is sealed and NO ONE except attorney's and bio parents are allowed in the court room. There is absolutly no reason for her to bring the oc. Kids do not belong in the court rooms. I agree with whomever said about changing the court date if she brings the child. EVERYONE and I mean EVERYONE I know kept saying I should bring my oc and I was like uh NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! Why would I do that to my child? There is no reason a child should be at a court house i.e divorce, or anthing.