my divorce will be final in another 2 months. My wife does not think it will work with her having the other man child and I would have to agree because she will not do what I need her to do for me to feel comfortable with the situation it will have to be her way for to work. Her cake and eating it too. My questions: What will be the long term effect on my 2 children 8 and 10? Will they grow up resenting there mother? How will it effect them when she marries this guy? They do not talk much about this but I know they do not like it. I do not think they can really express what they are feeling. what are the chances of my wife and the guy lasting dating or married. he was going through a divorce and my wife feeled the hole in his heart

<small>[ December 08, 2004, 09:37 AM: Message edited by: swimming alone ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My questions: What will be the long term effect on my 2 children 8 and 10?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In general, the effect will be "not good". There's very little that can be positively gained from this situation for your children. They will certainly resent your wife, especially if they already know about the affair issue concerning the pregnancy. They may resent you as well for the divorce. They may resent the child that is yet to be born.

Your best hope is to be fully involved in your kids lives---to not speak ill of your wife, and to integrate this new child into 'your' life at a level that you can be comfortable with---especially IF the OM is out of the picture and your kids are OK with it.

Generosity (of time) and love are never bad things when dealing with people---your kids will need a lot of this to deal with the divorce.

As an aside---are you or your wife going to have primary physical custody (or are you going for joint physical custody)?

we will have joint custody. she still is a good mother--just has issues causing her to repeat this behavior..I do not speak ill of my wife..But sometimes to say stuff about the OM. MY children do know him and do know about the pregnancy. He was a mutual friend of ours. My kids knew him before all this.

If I were YOU, I would get the best darn attorney & FIGHT my butt off for FULL custody of those kids. I have no respect for a women who does something like this & is not remorseful to repair hte damage she has done.

SHE is choosing to end the marraige & break up the family. IF she gets primary custody (even w/ joint) then she will be calling all the shots & still having her cake & eat it too.

I think she should have to feel the full brunt of what she is doing. There is no reason YOU should have to lose time w/ your kids & only see them occasionally. They should have the least amount of disruption as possible.

Keep them in YOUR home that you are in now, w/ you. W wants out---well then let her go. She can leave NOT you!! YOu are not the one breakign up the family so why should YOu go & the kids have to move or whatever?

I know this probably sounds harsh but I find this behavior of women disgusting & do not consider these actions to be of someone who IS a good mother, since she is still currently involved in these actions!

I don't know if you have sons or daughters but statistics show that the potential for sexual abuse rises w/ mother's boyfriends & step-dads (not to insult any great step-dads out there) towards the daughters, & physical abuse as well.

I would do whatever I could to keep full custody of my kids & make it VERY hard for the WS to get them. There is no reason SHe should have it so easy & you just have to accept it.

I think you should really show her what it is she is risking by this behavior. Not only is she going to lose her H & marraige but also her kids.

My vote is to fight w/ all that is within you. KEEP THOSE KIDS!

sincerely,
kt

I understand what you are saying I hope I have not made a mistake but the process has started

Change the process! The only mistake is finishing with the divorce with custody results that are unacceptable to you! It might delay the divorce, but so what? If you want the kids, you should fight for them. They attorney can file ammendments, etc. or just call her attorney and say you have changed your mind on the terms. You have that right.

Don't be bamboozled if you are being short-changed in the divorce with your children. It's not over 'til it's over. You decide what you really want.

Swimming Alone,

Please read my reply not only as an xOW, but as a child who was affected by D that resulted from an A.
I was older than your children are, and I was too young to be told WHY the D was happening.
There is no reason why I should have been subjected to a problem of this nature at the age I was.
I grew up as a young woman holding no value to relationships and marriage. I have been a serial OW (although I do not exclusively date MM's) and I must say, I would probably do it again.
I hated my wayward parent until I was 20 years old and I had no contact until I was 18 by my choice. I saw the damage it did to my betrayed parent and I swore I would never cheat on anyone. I have never cheated on anyone in my life but I certainly have contributed to A's as the third party. (It doesn't make it right, but it makes it "acceptable" to me that "I" am not cheating on anyone).
I'm not saying your children will have issues with honoring or even giving value to relationships, but that is what my wayward parent's A did for me. It taught me that no matter how well you know someone, you really don't know them at all; and that marriage is something that doesn't have to be respected.

Now, if they would have said something like "Mommy and Daddy just can't seem to live together happily, but we both love you and we both will always be here for you" then LATER IN LIFE (when I was an adult) let the truth come out- well, it probably would have made a world of difference.

Those are just my two cents- something I wanted to share. I really hope you haven't told your children about the affair- they're just too impressionable at that age in my opinion.

well my kids do know about the affair and the baby and who it belongs to. My little girl found out because the neice of the guy told her that my uncle and your mommy are dating and wouldnt it beel cool if you become my cousin and she told her I saw my uncle and y our mommy kissing--etc. My little boy had suspicions but my wife told them about the baby and who it belonged to. So that's kinda how they found out

Swimming,
That's too bad that they already know- I would have them do some counseling (and soon).
I can't stress enough how much my wayward parent's A tought me that marriage is an insignificant bond.

when we told them about the divorce it was mediated with a counselor . my wife told them about the pregnancy with out the counselor. They have been to counseling but did not like the counselor. They said they did not want to go anymore but thinking about getting them to another one

Swimming you need to get them back into counseling. I'm also going to disagree with the majority here. The kids know what happened, that's a done deal. You can't change that. But to try and take her kids away from her is just as wrong as what she did. It's not right. YOU said yourself she is a good mother. No what she did was not looking out for the best interest of her family, but honestly, I'm assuming she cares very well for her kids? Your going to add salt to the wound of your kids. I doubt the court will allow you to take full custody of the kids either because she had an affair. Well if your in bible belt country maybe you have a better chance. So your spending more money that you could use on your kids to fight a possible loosing battle. As long as she is not abusive and all to your kids then the courts will probally give her primary custody. I would in no way let your kids think it's okay what she did though. Together you and your stbxw need to come to an understanding about this and talk to your kids about this and work with them. I truely hope everything works out and I'm sorry your kids are having to go through this.

I felt it would add salt to their wounds. She is a good mother and does care deeply for them and will not put them in harms way or around any drugs or drinking she does not hang out with people like that. She is well aware of how this may effect her relationship with the children and is trying along with myself to minimize this for her and the kids. She may be an unfit spouse to me and I suspect she will to the next guy-- but she is not an unfit mother.Her parents really pushed for me to get the kids but that would have made things really ugly between her and her family. But these people didn't care. I will get them back into counseling.thanks

Her parents really pushed for me to get the kids but that would have made things really ugly between her and her family. But these people didn't care.

Uh??? HAve you considered it was becuase they care MORE about your kids then your WS stupid 'feelings'! YES I said stupid!

& this crap about NOT taking away HER kids? I'm getting whiplash here! WTHEck is that junk?

WHY should YOU get YOUR kids taken away when YOU are NOT choosing this? SO don't take HER kids away but it's ok to take them away from YOU?

IF that is not the BIGGEST double standard I have ever seen! SHE is choosing to take apart the family unit NOT you soooo...let her but that does NOT mean that she gets to keep the kids w/ her all the time & you have mere visitation!

HELLO out there? YOu CANNOT have your cake & eat it too! RIGHT?

SHE wants out-------------then fine but it's not free--there are consequences & they cost, some cost more! SHe will NOT have her family & she shouldn't!

WHY should YOU, the BS have to give up your kids? Did you end the amrraige? NO, so why should you have to suffer?

I'm not sayign that she never sees her kids again-I'm just saying that YOu should have full custody or the majority & their primary residence should be w/ you. YOu make the decision over their lives & she gets to have weekend visist or whatever it is.

AND I'm a mother saying this! I am fully aware of hte consequences my actions would have on my faily as well as my H. ANd this is the opinon that I have. Women want equal rights ooh but not when it comes ot them not getting what THEY want! Let's look @ it like this: she ahs a free will, she is making ehr own CHOICE so SHSE is CHOOSING to lose her family & regular time w/ ehr children. You are NOT takign them away-she is choosing to leave them!

DO you get that?

ANd like that other poster said-you also have a choice, you can change what you want. Just call the lawyer & let them know. You dont' have to just sit there & take it so you look like a nice guy to your WS or whatever. It doesn't have to get 'ugly'. YOu just state what you want & the lawyer takes care of it. YOu & WS shouldn't even be discussing it @ this point. THe attorneys should be handling it all.

What kind of life are you chidlren going to have if they are living w/ a mom who didn't care enough about them to keep their family intact? Seriously!? WHo is that selfish? SHe cares more about herself than her children.

ITs' one thing to do something wrong, sure but then to deliberately KEEP doing it? Are you crazy? WE hear all about chidlrens' rights & blah ablh blah blahblahb around here so what about THESE children's rights to have an intact home & @ least ONE parent who is committed to their welfare & well-being instead of just their own?
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ANd this crap about NOT telling them? Puuuuuuhleeeze! If that's NOT letting them think it was all OK then I don't know what is. YES, age appropriately, they need to know that what mommy did was wrong & you very well CAN'T hide the fact of a new baby! How would you explain that? Obviously you have to tell them that it was from someone else.


ETA: moving response to cheerful to her knock knock thread--so no TJ. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ December 09, 2004, 04:16 PM: Message edited by: ktbunch ]</small>